Desperate and ALone how did I get here.

[tbaby100]

There are so many issues going on I will try and stick to the ones that are most damaging. With some history for better understanding.

 

I began seeing a childhood friend while moved in together, we did not have a courtship as he was renting a room from me at my house. (He later told me that the reason he opted to become my roomer is that he had all intention of become my mate.) To avoid any confusion I made all issues CLEAR in the beginning before things started my liked dislikes, needs/wants, boundaries and deal breakers which I will list

-Prior to seeing eachother he had quit smoking as he was aware that I did not date smokers

-I was not going to get involved with someone that had drug/alcohol issues

-I would not tolerate abuse verbal,physical,sexual been there on all fronts with my divorce that was 8 months prior and not going back

-Not going to tolerate jealousy, controlling behavior, deadbeat dads as I have my own children.

-That I was a HEALTHY sexual young person with a high sexdrive (he stated he did too)

He was aware of the horrible marriage I went through and seen first hand the treatment I went through and the nightmare I was still living with during the separation, he was there through the healing process as well.

 

He used to say what he would do for a chance with a girl like me ect how amazing I was like only men dream of. He watched me attempt dating sites and we used to sit with a drink in the evenings and he would look over the guys I was interested in we would discuss them or laugh about them, even came with me when I met someone, he was very protective looking out to make sure that I did not get hurt. He had told me how wonderful he treated his previous women he cooked, cleaned, did romantic gestures, raised their kids had to do everything while his ex's did nothing, cheated on him , abused him, used him treated him badly so I thought that hey he understands how it feels that we had common ground on how not to treat a partner,

 

Then we wound up dating, My kids loved him, he was for the most part good wit his. He would tell me all the time how he never knew a relationship could be so good and easy as he had his share of crazies, he was very insecure and controlling, jealous waiting for the other shoe to drop as he had such a bad time with women , I would have to constantly be encouraging and let him know I would tolerate this for only so long as I understood that he would need time to transition, however I did not put my past relationship issues on him I deserved the same. We could talk about anything and things were great, we moved into a new house together and set a budget for rent ect when looking he said oh no problem with paying rents of $1700. that he made enough to cover it all ectect and carried on that he made so much money that I finally later on found out that he only makes $17.00 per hour so I left my bungalow which was affordable at $1100., energy efficient which I had lived in for 3 years and put alot of work into to get something bigger and closer to his work.

 

I WAS FORCED TO PAY ALL DEBTS AND HAVE HIM RUN UP A 20000. DEBT IN MY NAME in 6 months

*Stopped going to work, would tell me that he was using his vacation time for the summer, but then when it came to pay his half of the bills he had no money because it was not vaca time he was calling in sick and having his doctor sign short term sick benefit forms use that till it ran out and his work would send him notice that he would be let go to peruse disability, return to work for 1 week to be able to re qualify for 3 months sick leave again, Later I found out that all he has been doing since he was hired at his job.

 

I am a single mother on disability as I have back surgery from 2 severe accidents. I have always had a career until I was forced due to injury to leave. I was then forced to support him, and his 2 kids when they would come for their every other weekend and summer holidays ect.

Suddenly many of the bills could not be paid, which was very hard on me as I have never been in that situation, I no longer had a 10000. savings, disconnection bills coming every month ect. My children were then forced to have a lower than used to standard of living, I could no longer do anything go any where or have any fun time with my kids as there was no money to do so. He would refuse to cook meals, do anything around the house or his own kids when they would come.

He would stay up late go to bed about 1/2am and sleep till 5-7pm next day get up play video games and repeat. He would do nothing with his kids, nothing with mine, refused to be responsible for my kids in any way as a step in parent would other than now start to yell at them swear at them and calling them names, he would treat mine horribly and his own bad as well but mine worse. He began yelling at me and swearing at me, calling me nasty names, throw fits of rage that made everyone in the house terrified, I could not talk to him about anything, and he stopped having anything to do with me sexually and there is no kindness or intimacy of any kind. I found out that he loves his pot after getting together and that was not ok with me, I was willing to bend if he would only do it now and again OUT of the house and not around my kids or his as I found out he did around his kids all the time just not when he was "hooking me in" he could not stick to now and again so I said the drug or me, he hates me every day for having to choose and threatens me all the time how he will be going back, same with smoking that he did because he knew I would not date a smoker (which was making him really ill at the time)

 

I was not allowed to be mad at him when he would hurt me or do mean things, I was not allowed to be upset and scared about the financial situation that he forced me into with refusing to go to work, bills would be coming in to get shut off and he could not care it would make me physically ill. I was not talk to him about any of the problems he caused or he would treat me so badly and tell me it was my fault and I deserved it because I dared piss him off he tells me daily that he is done with me, he is leaving, what he is going to do to my life when he does leave me with the debt and more , then later say he only threatened it did he didnt do it yet... He would run to his mothers house and stay there till I would tell him I missed him love him and please come home constantly make me beg him and chase him, he would say sorry for everything, sat that he knew that it is all him and it would never happen again that he was going to go to work and it will get better to give him the chance to show me that we was going to get better, ect .

 

His mother would hate when he came home because with his last relationships she would do the same thing and get them fighting, over step boundaries, disrespect them as she does to me to sabatosh the relationship so that he has no where else to go because I have learned that he has never been able to support himself and will live off and use women till it is no longer convenient for him or he destroys her ,then they get fed up and kicked him out or not grovel for him to come back.All so he will have to pay his mothers rent because she cannot support herself her ex husband left her because she acts the same way as her son does to people and had he ex forced into bankruptcy and his father could no longer handle the lazy useless women , she raised both her sons so they are unable to care for themselves to force them to live with her and pay her $550. for one room each. She constantly says that he should not have to do anything for himself or his kids that that is MY job and that I have to force him to go to work when she knows NO one forces him to do anything, she said herself that she will not say anything to him for fear of the verbal abuse she would suffer from him, when I saved her from his verbal abusive attack one day due to her playing games with him she stated that she did not blame me for wanting to leave the way he treats women , she was one of the people that enlightened me about all his lies of everything he tried to say his ex's did to him and the he did everything for him was a lie that they had to live like I am living, he has never treated anyone good!

 

But if I even get upset at him and tell him he needs to go he will make me pay for even opening my mouth about it, then cycle starts again he runs to his mothers and she will encourages him to leave and live back with her and how dare I force him to go to work and try and tell him that he has to take care of his kids and pay half the bills and be a partner and he choose to be with someone with kids that requires him to step up a little with them, that it is my job to take care of my kids and his kids and the house and myself and him that he should have to do NOTHING! His kids have many issues because as I found out his brother and mother were the ones taking care of them when he had his visits he would be out partying drugs/drinking then if he came home pass out on the couch and sleep while his kids raised themselves until his mother/ brother would finally get out of bed well after NOON and they cared for the kids, he was never a Dad, his ex's filled me in on the horrible life they had to live with him and the ever constant problems with his mother and be aware, he would deny everything they would say when his friends/family confirmed much of it to me.

 

I no longer go out anywhere, my friends have all walked away because of him, I could not return to college to finish my degree because I am too busy paying all the bills and cant afford it, no longer go to the gym as I have no drive, I have almost forgotten how to do my make up and hair because I am so down on myself and depressed, I no longer pursue my modeling because have no self esteem anymore I went from a smart , gorgeous young fit happy girl to feeling like nothing scared about how much more he will do to my life and how many threats he will follow through on when the way it looks thing do end and I am forced thousands of dollars in debt and no way to pay it. He has sucked the life out of me, anytime I demand change he packs his bag and leaves, tries to tell me that I have to continue to make sacrifices when I do nothing wrong or he is leaving I am not allowed to stick up for myself, tell him what to do , or tell him ha has to do something, be upset about anything he does or hold him accountable or he will make me pay by yelling and swearing calling me names and threaten to leave me all with my kids in the house, he makes fun of me when I break down and cry because of the emotional pain I am going through. I am due to have surgery in a month and have no one.

It is now 4 years and much more than 30,000. in debt still no intimacy or sex, any possible hint of sex he gets moody I feel so neglected, alone useless.

I had his testosterone levels checked and they are fine, he is on meds for his rage/out of control behavior they help a bit but then he will not take them because he does not want to walk down to the kitchen and get them , i used to just get them for him but stopped as it is one more thing that I HAVE to do or else..He will laugh and say he will never take his pills again to scare me. There is nothing he has not called me or said to me to hurt me, went so far as to say that my ex that beat the hell out of me and raped me that I deserved it. Any simple discussion he will threaten me to shut the **** up or else he is gonna lose it or leave me so that I cant have any discussions with him, disagree with him , ANYthing!

What do I do now! I never thought that I would ever see myself in this place ever again and here I am and dont know what to do or how to fix it.

 

I get so scared because I think well who else will want me I have kids, I have life long injuries so I am pretty and have a good body but thats about all I have even that I have lost all self esteem for and am so self conscious, even though I get hit on all the time I think about it after the fact and chalk it up to the just see whats on the outside, and as much as I am starved for sex thats not all I am. I swore I would never let a man do this to me again!! He was so fake and told me everything I wanted to hear in the beginning it was so nice and now a nightmare that I cant wake up from.

Edited November 3, 2011 by tbaby100

[tbaby100]

I suppose that I should also mention, as per the no sexual interaction I have already done the following;

Sit down with him for YEARS and try to talk about it, had him see his doctor testosterone is fine, was given viagara to get some extra umph because he would be done in 2 min when we did actually have a sex life, but when he was done he would roll over or leave, I would talk about the fact that he was done and had his enjoyment but I was left burning and that here are many other ways to satisfy me so he did not get upset about his 2min issues which he really was not concerned with in the first place.

 

I have toys but he will not use them, he will not touch me in any way other than to place his rod so to speak but he loves the Perks of all the attention I will give him!

 

I try getting in the shower he will not bat an eye lash, I try traipsing around naked not a second glance. I am not disfigured, I have gained 5lbs so I am now 126lbs, I guess I am categorized as the hot blonde but I am smart I do not have the dumb blonde mentality nor the snitty,bitchy, better than everyone else attitude.

 

I was concerned that he was gay for quite some time but he refused it, the last women he was with was the same thing however she is overweight and not attractive, he would not sleep with her or have any sexual fun so so cheated and is now married, and the mother of his kids same thing no sex life other than the 2 min when she would demand it now and again then she stopped forcing the issue and just cheated she is also married.

 

I asked for sex therapist and couples counseling but he refuses to go. Anyone I have talked to says there is something wrong with this BIG TIME I dont want to be in my 30's when my body starts to go knowing that I wasted my youth!

[primer]

Is this relationship worth the financial burden? Is it worth the burden on your children? Are you committed?

[tbaby100]

Clearly older/wiser; wiser is quite false!

 

Mt children are more than financially taken care of, just not the higher standard they were getting used to after I left their father, who did unspeakable things to me infront of them and abused them,which I got them out of moved away and was still stalked as there is so much hoops to jump through then people have kids with police and courts that are far to concerned with ensuring they allow every last thread and second chances to be provided to the deadbeat parents that are out there to finally Ensured that he and all his influence was removed from my kids lives and legal action!

 

So they are more than adequately taken care of how dare you assume otherwise! They are not abused, they have a house I do not live in government housing or in some slum, they have healthy food and clothes on their back! I do not allow any inappropriate actions around them and make it clear to him that it is not tolerated and he is forced to leave when he acts up!

 

I can have ANY man as that is not the issue!!! It is the fact that most men act this exact way, some to just different degrees of evil!

 

I brought up the major issues in my situation thats what this ****ing site is for not for ionly the sexual issue and make assumptions and accuse someone of being a bad parent you dont know me from jack so if you dont have anything helpful to comment keep your ranting garbage to yourself! Jeez I really hope you dont have anyone around you that ever needs intelligent advise or help! This site is for helpfulness Not to have posts attacked by some loser that has nothing better than to reply to people reaching out and attack them with a one track mind on anything to do with sex!

Clearly you have quite your own issues that you can only focus on the sexual notes within the post and your response is nothing but attacking garbage! My kids are safe and much happier than they were which I had to fight to get them away from as even the courts believe in chance after chance!

 

I'll be honest - I couldn't read that wall of text, I just skimmed it.

 

The one thing I did get from your story is that you allow this man to be verbally abusive to your kids and you have chosen to put them in a situation where they are no longer adquately provided for - all because you're way too busy constantly paying off this loser's debts.

 

And the sad truth is that you're more than willing to sacrifice the happiness and well-being of your own innocent children just so you can have a man - ANY man - in your life. So what if he treats your kids like they're dirt on his shoe, so what if he smokes pot and has zero respect for anyone around him when he does it, so what that he's driven you so far into debt that your kids have to constantly do without now because mommy's too busy supporting her loser boyfriend, so what that your poor kids have to live in a constant state of turmoil, fear, and unhappiness because their own mother won't even PUT THEM FIRST.

 

And you're b*itching and moaning about how this piece of garbage won't touch you sexually. You you go on about sex toys and walking naked around this loser in the hopes of getting his attention and you're UPSET because this jerk won't touch you???

 

I guess feeling 'desireable' and getting this creep to touch you is much higher on your priority list than putting your own kids first and removing this toxic piece of human waste from your lives, right? After all, it's MUCH more important that YOU have a man in your life and some kind of sex life with him than it is to ensure that your children are provided for and feeling safe and happy.

 

Golly, I sure hope this knight in shining armor of yours agrees to go to sex therapy because THAT'S really the priority in your life right now, isn't it? That, and feeling desired by your so-called 'man,' yes sir. Everyone else be damned.

 

Well, I can pretty much guarantee everyone will be along to pat your back and cluck their tongues at how sad your situation is, and cry along with you at the injustice of it all. They'll all say how you need therapy and meds and blah blah blah (the standard message board .10 cent armchair psychology crap). Me? I agree you definitely need some kind of mental help as you're clearly not capable of making responsible choices that actually BENEFIT your children rather than harm them. Let's face it - you quit being a victim a LONG LONG time ago and you've been a volunteer for years.

 

It's pretty obvious you're no longer able to make mature and sensible decisions because your biggest worry is trying to get this loser romantically and sexually interested in you again, rather than kicking his ass out of your lives and trying to repair the DAMAGE you've done to your kids for YEARS now.

 

You should be ashamed of yourself.

[notmel]

tbaby Older and wiser is not very diplomatic but he is close to right change the locks and move on or rent a van and move out. You will be sadder and more alone for 3 months but then it will get better for every body even the jerk who is abusing you.

[frozensprouts]

it sounds like this guy has some severe issues, but you know what ? that should not be your problem.

 

take a step back from your situation, and imagine it was your friend instead of you who wrote the post on here. what advice would you give? why not be your own "best friend" and follow that advice. if it's still to hard to do it just for you, do it for your kids...they will be far better off away from this guy and his behaviors.

best of luck to you:)

[Quiet Storm]

I was reading your thread and thought at the beginning that your problem was going to be that this mooch and loser was refusing to leave.

 

But then he threatens to go to his mothers, and instead of being relieved that he's gone...you beg him back!

 

I don't understand.

 

Does he have any good qualities at all? Does he contribute ANYTHING positive to your household, your kids, your relationship?

 

Think about how your children must feel. To see their mom go from this:

 

a smart , gorgeous young fit happy girl

 

to

 

I no longer go out anywhere, my friends have all walked away because of him, I could not return to college to finish my degree because I am too busy paying all the bills and cant afford it, no longer go to the gym as I have no drive, I have almost forgotten how to do my make up and hair because I am so down on myself and depressed, I no longer pursue my modeling because have no self esteem anymore

 

How can you say this is not hurting your kids? Your own words:

 

I could no longer do anything go any where or have any fun time with my kids as there was no money to do so

 

He would do nothing with his kids, nothing with mine, refused to be responsible for my kids in any way as a step in parent would other than now start to yell at them swear at them and calling them names, he would treat mine horribly and his own bad as well but mine worse.

 

yelling at me and swearing at me, calling me nasty names, throw fits of rage that made everyone in the house terrified

 

You are in serious denial if you think this is not affecting your kids.

 

Stop playing the victim and get yourself together. Your kids don't deserve to be dragged through this drama because their mom is afraid to be alone. The kids are the victims in this, not you. He has shown you time and time again what kind of man he is and you keep going back for more.

 

Please see a doctor and get yourself some counseling or medication. You need to get stronger so that you can see this situation more clearly, and make a plan to lose this guy for good.

[findingnemo]

Please pack the man's bags and his kids and drop them off at his mother's house.