Selfless vs Selfish

[ch47wife]

So, yesterday I was wiped the f out. I've been sick, dealing with a sick kid, oh the joy! I could barely muster up the strength and energy to get up off of the couch. However....when my husband came home, I managed to get up, get dressed and head out to run errands for him. I went all the way across town to get him some medicine, then went to the grocery store. I even bought him some snacks with the money I was saving to get myself a little something. As soon as I walked in the door last night with a bag under my arm, all I got from him was glaring (like I'd wasted his money. Heaven forbid he actually ask me about it.)

I had also applied for food stamps to try and help out my family. I received the form and notice pkt in the mail on sat. I told my husband that I needed him to round up all the req'd forms and bills for me by wed because my appt was on thur morning. Well, I get home last night (wed night) and he still hadn't done it. He began to get it all together for me before he went to bed, but not w/o immense griping, huffing, puffing, stomping, and slamming around the house (at 11 pm while our 1.5 yr od son was trying to sleep). He puled up almost everything on the comp and told me to print it out and that he was going to bed.

I was up until 2am getting everything together that I'd asked him to get 4 days ago. To top it off, when my husband had to leave for work this morning, he was extremely rude and loud, and purposefully so to wake me up because I was asleep on the couch.

Needless to say, I was so exhausted that I slept through my alarm this morning and missed my appointment. Luckily I was able to reschedule.

My selflessness and his selfishness almost cost us possible assistance.

[norajane]

Has this always been the dynamic between you?

 

Why is he so hostile with you all the time?

[ch47wife]

Yeah, I'm to selfless when it comes to my family, and he's to selfish. When he doesn't get his way, or what he wants, he gets all pissy like a damn 5 year old. He stomps around the house huffing and puffing and throwing his little tantrum until he calms down. And when he does calm down, he acts like nothing ever happened just to avoid confrontation. I'm not just going to point the finger though, it takes two to tango. I have an EXTREMELY bad temper, and I make it well known when I'm less than happy. However, I tell him to give me my space to calm down, then we can talk about it if he still wants to (which never happens). He'd always rather pretend that nothing happened and just go on with things as usual. It's not a typical guy thing, 'cause I've known plenty of guys who'd talk about it to get it off the table and avoid any future conflict. I sometimes wonder if his personality traits were largely influenced by the military. If this is some sort of defense mechanism that's been ingrained into him from dealing with combat and what not. And if it is, I am at a total loss for why he is unable to separate work and family. Or son is about to turn 2. The whole first year of his life, I had to constantly nag at my husband to stop playing his video games or what ever he had dived into, and spend some time with his son. Partly for me to have a break, but mainly because he has a tendancy to get so enthralled in his own wants and needs that there's rarely ever any time for either of us (our son and myself). I am partly to blame though, and I realize this. I cater to him to much. The problem now is, how to fix it. To teach both of us to STOP doing this crap before it destroys us.

[norajane]

It does sound like both you have bad relationship skills. Have you considered marriage counseling? You can learn to communicate and how to better approach your relationship issues. You can learn how to stop all that crap.

 

But you have to really want to stop the crap and improve your interpersonal skills, gain control of your tempers, be vulnerable and open to each other. MC won't work if you or he are not ready to do the hard work together.

[ch47wife]

We've already tried MC. The counselor was more interested in personal counseling with me as apposed to helping us with our problems. And my husband was willing to go, but not so willing to open up to the counselor about his personal issues. You're right, it takes both of us to be willing to comply, unfortunately, it was only one of us that was doing it.

I plan to make a nice dinner on Monday, have the kid spend the night at a friend's house, and sit down with my husband and have a nice long talk about things in general. It just sucks that I'm always the one that's trying to make things work.

[ch47wife]

Honey, I've been trying to get a job for the past 3 years. CA has the lowest unemployment rate in the country. I go to interviews, apply online, submit resumes to everywhere and anywhere, fill out walk-in applications, everything shy of begging for a job. I even got turned down at McDonalds because they said I was OVER qualified. It's not as easy as you'd think. I even have applications and resumes in with the temp agencies. I don't stop either, every day, i'm looking and trying. There's nothing wrong with asking for some help in the mean time until I'm able to land something that will help me to provide for my family though.

[ch47wife]

Yeah, it is part of it. The f-ed up thing about it though, is that he knows how much it bothers me. I HATE not working. I'm a natural work-a-holic. One of the happiest times in my life was working two full time jobs (across town from one another) and going to school full time, and I didn't drive either! Sounds nutty, but it was great! I love working. It gives me a sense of self worth. I love my family, my son is my life. But without work, I have no real contribution, no safety net, no outlet, no nothing....and the husband knows darn well that this is how I feel. He KNOWS how much it hurts me personally to not be working. What kills me, is that he takes it and throws it back in my face at the first chance when I'm feeling low and we get into it. Its not like I'm not working by choice. I can't stand being cooped-up in the house all day every day, but I make the best of it. I take this as my job. Crappy hours, no pay, no days off, no vacation time. Thus is life. I bust my butt to make this house the best it can be so that he can come home to a beautiful house, and relax, so that he can have a home cooked meal EVERY night. I don't ask for anything unless I truely need it (like medicine), because I'm not working. I don't need any luxuries I can't afford for myself. He KNOWS all this, and yet still throws it in my face like a pissy little teenager when he gets mad. Its not fair. It takes a lot for me to even ask him for anything (like money for a pk of cigarettes), and partly because I know he'll use it against me.

[ch47wife]

Honey, I'd be thrilled to be working part time. The problem is that I can't even land a part time job. I hate not working, but I do make the best of it. It wouldn't be so bad if my husband didn't throw my unemployment back in my face every time we get into it though. One moment he'll be telling me that it's ok, and the next he'll be griping about it.

[MikeT4]

Hi, I read your posts. I hope you and he are feeling better now. I feel like I'm a little older and have been through some of these things with my wife.

 

She would do most of the housework, taking care of the kids and stuff. She'd ask for help, but, in a way that I just didn't hear. Totally my fault. But, she fixed it by going to counseling and learning to be assertive without nagging or getting mad. Getting real mad and showing it doesn't help even if the other party probably deserves a smack on the side of the head.

 

She also kept doing nice stuff for me even though I didn't deserve it and she didn't feel like it. It woke me up to how imbalanced things were. I've come around she says. I hope your husband will too.

 

MikeT4

[soserious1]

If he's the primary breadwinner filling out that Food stamp form is probably like an admission of failure to him, to say nothing of the intrusion it gives the government into your family's fiscal business.

 

Why not ask him if he's feeling ashamed ?

[ch47wife]

Thanx Benni!

And thanx to you to Mike! We did the counesling thing for a little bit, but we couldn't afford it anymore and had to stop. I've tried the same thing your wife did, what with the being nice thing. It was actually something I started doing around the beginning of the year....doesn't work with my husband. You're most definitely more in tune with your surroundings than he is! Haha!! When he was in the hospital after his motorcycle crash, I never left his side. A close friend had made a comment to me then, saying 'maybe this will be like a wake up call for him and he'll realize how much you care and are there for him and how much you do for him. Maybe it'll result in him being better to you'. In my opinion, it got worse. He got use to me picking up the slack for him and started getting pissy when I couldn't/wouldn't help him with what he wanted at the time he wanted it. And he became OBSESSED with getting his bike back together (which drove us into a financial hole). The first thing he did when he came home from the hospital (with two broken ribs), was to go out to the garage to work on his bike. He was really going at it to. But he couldn't take the garbage out once a week for me.

Soserious - I did ask him, he avoided the subject like the plague. I eventually got it out of him that he did not mind getting foodstamps and filling out the forms, he just didn't see why he had to gather up all the paperwork. He pays all the bills, and everything's in his name. I make it a point not to mess with his stuff, personal space and trust are very important to both of us, especially since we have to deal with military stuff. I would rather not take the chance of accidently coming across something I'm not suposed to know about! He gets the bills in the mail or e-mail, and takes care of them. I have no idea where he puts anything! I got tired a looooong time ago, of trying to keep up with his whirl-wind of a mess! I'm not his mother, I shouldn't have to clean up after him! He's the only one that could've gathered up all the stuff we needed anyways. He just didn't want to do it.

[The Blue Knight]

Honey, I've been trying to get a job for the past 3 years. CA has the lowest unemployment rate in the country. I go to interviews, apply online, submit resumes to everywhere and anywhere, fill out walk-in applications, everything shy of begging for a job. I even got turned down at McDonalds because they said I was OVER qualified. It's not as easy as you'd think. I even have applications and resumes in with the temp agencies. I don't stop either, every day, i'm looking and trying. There's nothing wrong with asking for some help in the mean time until I'm able to land something that will help me to provide for my family though.

Older makes a good point, and you're probably native Californians but why not pick up and move to a place where the economy is so much better like Texas? It doesn't mean you have to stay forever but let's face it, California is going in the tank financially and it's not going to get better any time soon. Just a thought. I don't know your entire situation but finances can stress a relationship to the brink.