Sex with someone else in new LDR

[alanafaber]

My boyfriend and I have a complicated past. We first got together over a year ago and he wanted to make a go of things but because I knew I was going to be living abroad in China for the next year I said no, and I think I really hurt him as we didn't speak for a little while. He has always 'joked' about that being the time I rejected him. And I guess I did. We continued to speak over that year whilst I was away but just as friends and we both had other casual relationships. At the end of my year studying, he was just starting his year studying in Singapore (we study a similar course but he is the class below me). So just before I came home we met up over there. And it was like nothing had changed! As soon as we saw each other we started a really intense relationship which went on for a week. We then spent some time travelling together, all in all it was about 2/3 weeks together. But it was really intense and we fell in love. He said he had always been in love with me and had wanted me since we first met and I realised how amazing we were together. We both felt like this was the start of something special which could last for years. Basically it was an amazing romance, but I knew I was going back home and he still had another year left to study. He said he was coming back to the States for Christmas and that when he was back we would be together again. We talked about the possibility of hooking up with other people. He is a highly sexed person and expected that I would want to have casual sex whilst he was away as well. But I told him it was very unlikely as I never have one night stands. I also told him that if he did, I just did not know how I would feel. It was all left a bit unclear.

The whole time since I have been back home we have spoken nearly every day. We Skype all the time, message, email, phone calls, video call. We tell each other how much we love each other and we have a very deep relationship.

I had always wondered if he had been with anyone else, but didn't want to ask. Recently I decided I wanted to know, because I felt like if he had I was being humiliated in not knowing. So I asked and he was honest and told me that he had. A one night stand a few weeks ago and that it meant nothing. To be honest, it didn't really surprise me... but it hurt a lot more than I thought it would. Now we have gone round in circles having huge fights about it. At first he reacted so badly and only got mad at me for not handling it even though we had discussed the situation. I told him that I had quite clearly said I DID NOT KNOW how I would feel if he did it and that I thought he had risked quite a lot for something so little.

Now he is really really sorry and sees the problem. He understands that I needed more commitment at that stage. It was only four weeks after I left him and I think in a long distance relationship you need to show more respect than that.

He is now coming home early, like next week, to be with me. He says he just needs to be with me again. I know he is so sorry and regrets doing it and knows that he has hurt me, but I just don't know if it is enough. I know that long distance is hard, but that is why I think you need to show the other person a great deal of commitment, and having sex with someone else 4 weeks after you are separated doesn't show very much faith in the relationship.

I feel like I just want to forgive him as I know how good we are together. But I just can't help imagining it. No one wants to have to think about someone they love having sex with someone else, especially when at the same time they are telling you how much they love you. I just can't stop thinking about this other girl. I have quite low self-esteem anyway due to an ex-boyfriend and I just feel like I don't need someone who can ever make me feel bad about myself. He is now saying how people make mistakes and nothing is perfect and it will help us grow and that I did also hurt him once upon a time.

At the same time I feel like what he did wasn't "wrong". It wasn't wrong and it wasn't right, but if it makes me feel bad I don't know how to get over it.

It wasn't technically "cheating", but it hurts just the same. And he knew it could hurt me. I just think it was selfish and avoidable.

What should I do?

[wildgeese]

You should have been more clear about your expectations and commitment levels before continuing a relationship of any kind, in my opinion. Even if you said that you wouldn't know how you felt, you should have known from past experiences and from familiarity with yourself whether it would upset you or not. You clearly knew on some level that you would not be okay with it. By not being honest with him, you left this door wide open. He did choose to sleep with someone but the way I see it, you really have no right in trying to punish him or make him feel guilty. You did not explicitly say that you were together, committed, exclusive, etc. Of course it hurts and of course he could have chosen not to sleep with someone. You absolutely have the right to be hurt by it. But if you feel that strongly about the rights and wrongs of commitment, why didn't you express that you wanted to be exclusive before separating? It's a bit selfish to tell someone you don't know how you feel, but then be upset when they choose an action that you decide you didn't want.

I understand how difficult it is to move past insecurity and possibly even jealousy, but I'm sure it simply was a one night stand and that's all. He obviously cares for you and if he continues to be a man of fidelity (now that you know how you feel), then I think you need to cut him a little slack.

[alanafaber]

You should have been more clear about your expectations and commitment levels before continuing a relationship of any kind, in my opinion. Even if you said that you wouldn't know how you felt, you should have known from past experiences and from familiarity with yourself whether it would upset you or not. You clearly knew on some level that you would not be okay with it. By not being honest with him, you left this door wide open. He did choose to sleep with someone but the way I see it, you really have no right in trying to punish him or make him feel guilty. You did not explicitly say that you were together, committed, exclusive, etc. Of course it hurts and of course he could have chosen not to sleep with someone. You absolutely have the right to be hurt by it. But if you feel that strongly about the rights and wrongs of commitment, why didn't you express that you wanted to be exclusive before separating? It's a bit selfish to tell someone you don't know how you feel, but then be upset when they choose an action that you decide you didn't want.

I understand how difficult it is to move past insecurity and possibly even jealousy, but I'm sure it simply was a one night stand and that's all. He obviously cares for you and if he continues to be a man of fidelity (now that you know how you feel), then I think you need to cut him a little slack.

 

 

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your advice and I understand where you're coming from. This was one of the issues I was originally dealing with, where I felt like I wasn't allowed to be upset. I do realise I should have been more clear about what I wanted. But doesn't it seem to you that if a guy really does love you and respect you that he wouldn't do it in the first place? Regardless of whether you say yes or no...?

[wildgeese]

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your advice and I understand where you're coming from. This was one of the issues I was originally dealing with, where I felt like I wasn't allowed to be upset. I do realise I should have been more clear about what I wanted. But doesn't it seem to you that if a guy really does love you and respect you that he wouldn't do it in the first place? Regardless of whether you say yes or no...?

 

I do think that and have only experienced that in my own relationship, but I do understand that not all people think alike. I've lived with platonic guy roommates my entire adult life and one thing that I frequently hear is that they may really like a girl (up all night, drinking and talking my ear off about her) but if she doesn't directly tell them that she wants to be exclusive, they have a mentality of "might as well sleep with this other girl I kinda like before she does". Not all guys are like this. Mine isn't like this. But many, many are.

[wild_urge]

I agree with everything, but may be for him it is a way of coping with the situation, may be he got really drunk one night and had sex with some random girl, just because he felt really lonely and missed you, even if it sound stupid and counter intuitive, some time it probably helps to be with some just as long as you are not all alone and then he might have thought that some sexual fulfilment might make him feel better, did he said if he felt guilty after he slept with that girl ? I would be more concerned if he didn't feel guilty. A few months ago I found out that my LD boyfriend is e-mailing some girl that he went to school with . . . he insist that they were only friends and even if she liked him he repeatedly told her that he has a girls friend and isn't interested, anyways, assuming all that is true and I believe him 98%, because of his actions not only his words, I was really bothers b the fact that he is taking time to e-mail her, when he hates writing e-mails . . . on top of that he continued writing the e-mails even after I asked him to stop. Now, the whole point is, that even if I believe that he loves me and that even if he was flirting with her for a while, it was nothing, BUT I was really hurt by the fact that he e-mailed her, on multiple occasions and again he doesn't like to write e-mails, so he must have felt some real friendship/connection with her. . . now this is bad or at least it made me feel really bad . . . because sex doesn't have to mean anything, but talking and sharing with someone, that to me is more of a problem, not that I would ever be okay if I found out that he slept with someone, I am just saying that it was probably a onetime thing and even if you feel really hurt, you have to gather all your strength and get through this, because you have a wonderful relationship filled with love and passion and it will be forgotten in a few months/ a year and you'll be very happy again!

[blugirl]

This is sick. I don't understand how can 2 ppl in love agree to their SO hooking up with other people. That just means they aren't really in love because if someone loves you, they wouldn't ever stand a thought of you having sex with anyone else. If I heard from a guy I fancy that he wants a 'possibility of hooking up with other girls' while he's away, he wouldn't see me anymore.

[HeavenOrHell]

I agree, an open r/ship where boundaries aren't clear, wouldn't work for me.

 

 

 

This is sick. I don't understand how can 2 ppl in love agree to their SO hooking up with other people. That just means they aren't really in love because if someone loves you, they wouldn't ever stand a thought of you having sex with anyone else. If I heard from a guy I fancy that he wants a 'possibility of hooking up with other girls' while he's away, he wouldn't see me anymore.

[she cooks]

I have to agree with Wildgeese on this: you did not set the boundaries, and when you parted, it was with the implied expectation that you would not be exclusive. Now that you are both ready to commit to being exclusive, it's time to move on. You need to cut him some slack and try to get past this if you want to make the relationship work.