Would appreciate advice/opinions on this crazy situation

[Tootrustingguy]

Hi, I would just like some well-rounded opinions real quick.

 

I have been dating a woman that is married for almost 2 years; I am single. She is in an abusive relationship and is scared to leave...at least that is what I'm told. I only hear her side of the story.

 

But the truth for me, is I really love her very much. I do believe her when she says she is worried he will kill her if she leaves. I want to take a stand for her but she says it will make it worse. She also has 2 kids with him. And she worries she will lose them in court no matter what.

 

I want to help her but I realize she has to help herself. I thought, in the beginning of our relationship that I would give her courage and help her emotionally and she would be strong enough to leave. Since then we've had several fights b/c she hasn't left, but I never left her b/c she is very down on herself and she has tried to kill herself. I didn't want her to do that, so I stayed with her...mainly b/c I love her and parlty b/c I didn't know what else to do.

 

All that is an odd situation. Now, I find out she is pregnant and it is mine...as far as I know anyway and she says it has to be. She hans't been sexual with her husband at all for the last 2 years plus. Many many times I've told her she needs to leave her husband b/c it's something she should do for herself. While she always said "I' know" she didn't do it and now we are both in a situation.

 

I want to take responsibility for my actions. Although my intentions were noble at the start it's just all a huge mess at this point. But I do want to do the right thing.

 

What is the right thing to do in the opinion of everyone who is willing to reply?

 

Thanks to all.

[ValeriaM]

Boy you are a brave soul to be involved with a married woman who's in an abusive relationship with two kids! What on earth are you thinking?

 

She's MARRIED - what are you doing chasing a married woman to begin with? Abusive relationship or not she's cheating on her husband with you. What makes you think she'll be loyal to you once she leaves this guy and marries you?

 

Trying to rescue a drowning woman - you're gonna go down with her.

 

Come to your senses and get out of that relationship. She's got way too much going on to be totally devoted to you and she's setting a really bad example for her two kids. She needs to get her head together and divorce her abusive husband, devote herself to her children.....learn to handle her suicidal tendencies then maybe on down the road start a new relationship.

 

What on earth attracts you to this woman? Do you enjoy needy women or think you can save her? She sounds psycho. I feel sorry for her kids.

 

Too much drama in that mess you're wrapped up in - I'd hightail it outta there before her husband comes after you. First make her take a paternity test to see if that baby is really yours. She is never gonna leave her husband - abused women never do.

 

This is a Jerry Springer episode here! Good luck. Hopefully the baby isn't yours and you're man enough to get out of that big mess and find a woman who doesn't have so much baggage attached. For your own sanity - cut the apron strings and get out now!

[faux]

To me, this woman sounds to be absolutely nothing but trouble. I would recommend that you leave the situation as soon as possible, before something horrible happans. Unfortunately, you got her pregnant, so you are going to be involved no matter what you choose to do.

 

Her not wanting to leave her husband is most likely an excuse. Even if she does feel that way, there could be enough protection so as to prevent this evil husband (who may not even be so evil) from harming her from police. ::sigh::

 

And I thought that I was in some messed up situations before. This woman is married! What oh what were you thinking?

[LILUIL]

Yikes. you said it yourself, this is an odd situation.

 

just curious.... she didnt want to leave her hubby before because she'll be killed.... and now lets say she really is having YOUR baby (get the paternity test) that sums up to the hubby hunting for YOUR head as well....

 

Bro, purchase running shoes immediately! Pronto!

 

And please oh please dont believe every word she says. What kinda abuse is she talking about anyway? If it's physical abuse, have you seen the marks? Just becareful, she's lying to her hubby she could be lying worst to you.

[echoparkdude]

Wow, I dont think these past replies have been well rounded at all. It sounds very much like what people were telling me when I started dating my current gf when she already had a bf that was away on a trip. You should always take advices with a grain of salt. Only you know what's best and worst comes to worst you learn from your mistakes. Just follow your heart dude and if you love her and you're sure that she loves you then things will work out fine. If you not, you live and learn. Just make sure that she is sure about how she feels because a relationship two-sided.

[Tootrustingguy]

Thank you...all of you for your replies.

 

There isn't anything to say that would excuse my actions. I can claim it was a noble intent, but it has obviously gotten out of hand. I do love her, I know that but it doesn't excuse what is happening.

 

Apparently, pregnancy tests indicate she is NOT pregnant now. She did have one positive. So now she believes she is not. However, she still has not had her "time of the month" and she is always exhausted and today she was throwing up, but she isn't sick. I'm not sure what's going on. I think she needs to see a doc.

 

I have tried to do the right thing, even in the face of adversity. Knowing this was wrong I am with her anyway b/c I believe in this miracle of love and how it's "fate" the way we found each other, etc. I feel pretty foolish now. I've been blinded from reality.

 

If the man comes head hunting for me I'll expect it. That only makes matters worse, I don't want to get hurt but I don't want to hurt anyone either. I'll put him down if it comes to that...but that's a no win situation. Esp. when I feel like I'm the one who is in the wrong anyway.

 

I find myself wanting to leave her...right away. But I don't want to leave without knowing if she is pregnant and leaving her now would crush her. She is trying real hard to leave...gathering money, info, calling lawyers, making arrangements, etc. She's never done this before. Maybe she knows I want to leave now. Maybe she knows she could be pregnant. I don't know.

 

This isn't a fun life to live for too many reasons. No good deed goes unpunished. No stupid deed goes unpunished either.

[stephysthebest]

Hey guy. I hate to say it, but you never really do know if this gal is playing you. Manipulation is key to a person who cheats on others. Sounds like you don't know anything about the other side of the story and there is always another side to every story. Doesn't this abusive, controlling husband need to know where she is at all times? How does she get the time to cheat? In my own abusive relationship, he knew where I was at all times. It was either leave or be completely controlled.

 

If this guy is so abusive towards her why would he get custody of the kids? Have you seen physical signs of the abuse. You should be the only one to see those signs. Because most abusive husbands hit in areas others cannot see without the abusee being naked. Have you seen marks on her?

 

Another questionable thing is to whether she is having sex with her husband. An abusive husband would demand such acts from her wouldn't he? Remember he has complete control of her and she cannot leave. Do you honestly believe that crap?

 

The suicide thing is also very terrible. She plays on your emotions, because she knows you do not wish harm towards her, remember you are "saving" her from her abusive husband and now from herself. You do not want her harmed even if it is from her own hands and sounds like she want your sympathy and empathy to stay in this situation. Sounds like she has it all. Devotion from you and her marriage.

 

Whoever you are...you are a victim. She is a prey and knows what to say and how to play this game she started. You should wise up and listen to her, because she tells on herself from what you are saying to me.

 

P.S. This pregnancy it is all crap to keep you pulled in. Alot of women use that as a method to keep men around. By tricking them with it. As an independent woman, I find this disturbing and not fair to the men who have to put up with this kind of manipulation.

[bluechocolate]

I think stephysthebest probably has the best take on this.

 

These are classic controlling techniques she is using & you've fallen for it, hook, line & sinker.

 

She should want to divorce this abusive husband regardless of her relationship with you.

 

And if she does she's going to need time to get her head sorted before falling straight into another relationship.

 

I believe in this miracle of love and how it's "fate" the way we found each other, etc.

 

Search around the forums here & you'll find that almost every single "other" man & woman has said almost exactly those words.

 

and leaving her now would crush her.

 

How do you know that? Because that is what she says to you? I'm willing to guarantee you that she'll get over it.

 

Start thinking of yourself & what's best for you.

[Tootrustingguy]

The advice I read here...it is sound. What was I doing chasing a married woman? I didn't quite realize I was. Her sob story sucked me in, no doubt. She has me believing she is a great person in a terrible circumstance. I do think even now she is a great person, as foolish as that sounds. This is where I thought I came in and made things better.

 

Honestly, a strong portion of me doesn't want to give up on her. Foolishly, I keep thinking positively about the whole ordeal. Common sense has lately approached me and really gotten my attention. I would do whatever is necessary to help her or be with her...but I don't include cheating as part of the necessary. I thought in the beginning she would leave...b/c she told me that. I thought it was chivalrous (sp) to show up at the time I did to help emotionally and for whatever other needs she had.

 

I confronted her last night...and it was aggressive. By that I mean I was telling her bluntly what I feared was the truth and I was venting my frustration, anger, and hurt. She began to cry...shaking she kept telling me "please stop, you are scaring me." I became more angry. It's as if I could see her trying to manipulate me. She knows I'd never hurt her. I told her to stop putting on a show and to my surprise, she calmed down.

 

The last thing she said before she left that night was in a meek tone of voice. "Please don't leave me." Half of me melted and the other half became enraged. I put my head down on my steering wheel and told her to go home. Just go home.

 

I hate to see her hurt. Maybe it's all an act. Either way, I feel like I'm in a lose lose situation. SURELY when you love someone as I love her, it just can't be all for nothing. There has to be a divine reason for it. Yet, I doubt anything divine would have a hand in this.

 

Thank all of you for posting. Open minds and opinions are very encouraging.