Why can't I walk away?

[pinkerbell]

Met my let's say taken man at work (I work there no longer), and we've been meeting for around a year, not particularly regularly, but meeting all the same.

 

We email all day, every day, literally-9-5. Most of the times it is sexual, and we try to keep it that way, and I have tried to walk away from this. I've tried so many times to tell him to leave me alone, but he says the right things, and I start talking again.

 

When we meet up, it's all about the sex. And it is good sex, it's fun, it's passionate, it's adventureous. But when we talk, it's weird, because it started out as plainly sexual, then started to become a little less, and more along the lines of "I really like you," "how much I email you shows how much I like you" etc. The other day, he said "I hope the way I am with you, and the amount of emails we send, shows how things might change in the future."

 

In later emails, he explained that the girlfriend situation might not last, and while he was not saying we would ever date, he wants to see a lot more of me, to see how things will progress. We go from being just friends, to being lovers, (I hate that word).

 

To begin with, I didn't know he had a girlfriend. I found out quite a way in, and tried to cut it off then. So why didn't I? Why do I keep going back? Why when he emails, do I feel all excited? I'm being so selfish, hurting someone to get to what I want, and I'm not the ruthless kind. He has no qualms about cheating on her, yet he is keen to let me know that I am not cheap in his eyes, or being used by him. I believe him, because I don't believe he would spend so long chasing someone just for sex.

 

I've cancelled on him 10 times in a row, and he keeps coming back, chasing me. It doesn't make sense to me that he would do that when he could find someone else to have sex with. I'm delusional.

 

A part of me doesn't think of his girlfriend at all, but I know I do think of her more than I like to admit. If I didn't, I wouldn't constantly cancel. I'm just so messed up. I'm meeting him saturday night, and I want to tell him to f*ck off, but I can't do it. I've liked him from day one, and now I'm as bad as him.

[whichwayisup]

You need to self respect and strength. Don't let hot sex and desire keep you with this guy. He has a gf (for all you know he could be married and lying to you about his real status) and seems to have no plans on ending it and being with you.

 

Anyway, when you're hurt enough and fed up enough, you'll end it. I believe that there's a big part of you that doesn't want to let go, the excitement and sex, him wanting you.. The thing is, he isn't in love with you. This is ALL based on sex, in person and in emails. He doesn't seem to care about you, your life or being a friend. He is selfish and wants what he wants.

 

I wish you the best, hope that you CAN tell him to F off and mean it. Get over him and find a (single) guy who will treat you better and love you outside of the bedroom too.

[carhill]

Same reason Eve ate the fruit and convinced Adam to try it. It was *forbidden*.

 

People want what is unavailable to them. Combine that with the strongest hormonal drive on the planet, that of reproducing, and you have a recipe for forbidden on steroids.

 

It's overwhelmingly likely that, if he's unmarried and chasing you, he's chasing other women as well. It's possible the girlfriend is some nebulous person who may not even know she's a girlfriend. You could be the girlfriend in his chasing of other women.

 

The one clear thing I learned from being an OM on a number of occasions is that WS's lie like a rug. Guile and deceit is a part of that lifestyle. It might not be malicious but it's hurtful nonetheless.

 

If this is your first one, that's usually the worst. If you can't resolve it on your own, get professional help. Read the thread in my signature line for information on one potential path to 'walking away'. It does work.

 

Welcome to LS

[findingnemo]

Those feelings you have ( you like him but you don't like how you have him) will only get worse.

 

You ask why he keeps chasing you even after canceling 10 times in a row. He knows how difficult it is to get someone who'll accept him with a gf. So he latches onto the one person he knows has done so before. It's as simple as that. You liked him warts and all. If he can get you back, then he can continue cake-eating, living a double life, being one person with his gf and another with you. It's really that simple.

 

If you are sure that he is the kind of guy you'd like to be with in the future, expose him to his gf. Bring light to the situation and your feelings of confusion and guilt will disappear. He will have to choose. Whatever he does as a result, will make your life much less complicated.

[Ruby_shoes]

Hi Pinkerbell

 

Please listen to the other posters here. All EA start out this way, it's limerence. Your brain is pumping out chemicals addicting you to one another. This is EXACTLY how my A started out and I know what you are feeling right now, believe me, (although he M with children) and after years of me being second best, trying to break away so many times it got to the point where I was in tears every day and I knew I had to end it. If he's got a gf and no ties he could just walk away yet he hasn't, please look at this red flag. It means something. He may feel guilty and all sorts and be genuinley confused but he should not be in a R at all at the moment until he knows what he wants. He does not love his gf (even if he thinks he does) and he does not love you at the moment. Do not believe his words believe his actions.

 

I've heard it said that people will remember the things that back up what they want to believe in and ignore the rest, this is why cults get people in, they fill their head with nonsense and give them some lame proofs and the person then looks for the signs to back that up ignoring all the rest. Each time they find a proof it further strengthens the beliefs and they make excuses for the times it didn't work to the belief. It's the same in an A, the highs are so high you think it must be love and it has to be worth it for them to take the risk and overlook the fact they are still attached elsewhere and quite frankly don't have actions that match words. WS's in M's leave when they find 'true love' or if they don't they're scared people, not someone you need to be involved with with that much baggage. Any excuse he gives for being in a R still is exactly that.

 

If it is meant to be he will leave his GF and be with you, in the meantime tell him you respect his R and will be his friend UNTIL he becomes available. That way you will see the real him. If he's still in his R in 3 months, get yourself a man you deserve girl and ditch his sorry a$$ x

[pinkerbell]

Thank you all for responding and for your help, it's much appreciated.

 

I've been trying to end it for months now, and it just seems we keep coming back, or he keeps coming back to me. Right now, just received an email that basically confirms what you all have told me. He can't meet me tomorrow night because his girlfriend isn't going out now. I hate playing second fiddle to her. I've tried, we haven't met since August, and I try to stay away from him but we keep coming back.

 

He basically said he can't find an excuse to go out. I know he lives with her, which may explain why he's staying with her, but he could be fabricating any relationship drama to keep me hanging on.

 

Thing is, I feel really bad for his gf. I know he won't leave her for me, and I know he'll probably never tell her the truth. I don't know why I continue to entertain the drama of it all. I don't normally like drama. I normally hate guys like him, and girls like me. Maybe we are addicted to each other, or me him at least. Would you believe he's the only guy I've been with in 2 years?

 

I agree, it is all about the sex for him, whereas when I met him, it was about more than that for me. That is why he won't entertain the idea of leaving his gf to be with me. I just wish he would stop stringing us both along, stop saying how much he likes me, and how it all might change in the future. It's never going to change. Sooner I get used to that, the better.

[pinkerbell]

It was more of an omission, than a full-on lie. But I guess it was deceptive.

 

I agree, I think he is one of those guys who always wants more, regardless of what he has got. I think he'll always be that kind of guy. I know finding out he has a gf should have made me walk in the other direction, but by that time, I was already in. I already liked him.

 

I do get the impression he's not 100% happy with her, he's very touchy whenever I try and go there though.

[cavedweller]

Tell him you will go NC (with him) until he dumps her.

 

my 2 cents

[whichwayisup]

It was more of an omission, than a full-on lie. But I guess it was deceptive.

 

I agree, I think he is one of those guys who always wants more, regardless of what he has got. I think he'll always be that kind of guy. I know finding out he has a gf should have made me walk in the other direction, but by that time, I was already in. I already liked him.

 

I do get the impression he's not 100% happy with her, he's very touchy whenever I try and go there though.

 

So what? he hasn't left and he isn't going to. Noone is always 100% happy with their spouse or partner.

 

Could it be he's touchy because he doesn't want to talk to YOU about his girlfriend?

[whichwayisup]

you are making excuses to stay in contact. no one can make you stay, that is a choice you are making.

 

Exactly. If you want it over, make it be over and end it. Walk away.

 

The problem isn't with him, it's with you. You can't say NO and mean it. You allow him to manipulate you. That is on you, not him so please, own your part in this...

[pinkerbell]

I know it's on me, hence the title "why can't I walk away," not "why can't HE walk away."

 

I own my part in that I accept him back, and I agree to keep contact going when I know I shouldn't. It's not ALL on me though, he's the one with the commitment not me. It's on him to stay away too.

 

But yes, for my own actions, and for continuing contact, it's my fault. I say no, mean it at the time, and I think I've stood relatively true to it, because I've cancelled the last 10 arranged meetings. Yet, I need to stay true to that. We go through days of not talking, then he will talk. We'll agree it's just friends, then it leads to more.

 

It's stupid, and I do try to not email him, he always initiates it. Yet, I always respond so I'm giving him a platform to cheat off. If it's not me, he'll find someone else. He's told me as much.

 

I just have to get over it, I know what he is, and that I'm just allowing him to manipulate me.

 

No, I don't suppose he does want to discuss his relationship with me.

[norajane]

Why do I keep going back? Why when he emails, do I feel all excited?

 

You keep going back because you get excited at his emails.

 

Why this situation excites you so much is a good question, and you would know the answer to that better than any of us.

 

Why do you think you get so excited by this? It's a game, you know it, and you choose to play it? Why? What's up with your life that this is making it more exciting?