How do women get over men's 'tit perving'?

[meshelbe]

How do women get over men's 'tit perving'?

 

When my fiance does this I disrespect him and that spirals into doubt about the entire relationship. Intellectually I can deal with it, in a way but emotionally it always deeply hurts me. My fiance is the nicest man, truly wonderful, I mean I want to marry him. But when even he cant seem to prevent his eyes from flicking to any woman's chest that walks by I have to wonder?

 

I know he loves and adores me, Im sure of it, but I cant comprehend how he can love me and my body and keep looking at other women's bodies.

 

If I did a similar thing maybe I would understand it. Im so happy with him I dont even see other men, I know they exist but in my memory, I never make eye contact with them or check out their pecs or ponder the size of their wallets.

 

Im know Im attractive and intelligent and loved etc, so its not a self confidence thing, its more about me not understanding his behaviour and finding it hurtful, as well as causing me to disrespect and distrust him.

 

I would really love to know how to deal with this and move on. Is there anyway of being truly at peace with this situation?

[BlockHead]

meshelbe

But when even he cant seem to prevent his eyes from flicking to any woman's chest that walks by I have to wonder?

I wondered about it myself. I found that the more I thought about it, the more often I looked.

How many times did you look after somebody told you not to look? The temptation to do it is hard to resist.

[shellgranado]

ALL MEN DO IT . LIKE SOME MEN HAVE THESE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN AT HOME AND WHERE ARE THEY AT THE TITTY BAR CHECKING IT OUT HALF OF THESE WOMEN ARE OK WITH IT BUT I UNDERSTAND WHERE YOUR COMING FROM BUT YOU CANT CHANGE IT ALLS YOU CAN DO IS TALK TO HIM AND SAY WHEN YOUR OUT WITH ME PLEASE REFRAIN FROM WONDERING EYES IT HURTS ME

[moimeme]

That which makes you unhappy in any situation is the set of ideas that you have constructed around the situation. So, for instance, you say I cant comprehend how he can love me and my body and keep looking at other women's bodies. So, in your mind, you believe that him looking at others' bodies must mean he does not love you. That hurts you.

 

The truth of the matter is that him looking at others' bodies has no effect on how much he loves you, but because you have linked the two in your mind, you are caused distress. Now, if you can get yourself convinced that his looking at women does not diminsh his love for you, this will cease to hurt.

 

Read some books by Dr. Albert Ellis. He pioneered Rational-Emotive Behaviour Therapy which helps people decouple hurtful thoughts from the emotions they cause.

[MelissaJ]

Look at all the big name celebrities who date and marry the most gorgeous women in the world but end up cheating and screwing around. Look at the celeb couple Posh Spice and David Beckham. She's beautiful, rich and famous but Becks can't help that roving eye and supposedly was caught messing around with another chick.

 

Men are dogs - they have caveman tendencies and lust after women. They have sex on the brain 24/7. Nothing can stop them from checking out T&A walking by.

 

I've learned that when my man looks when he's with me - I totally ignore it. I don't hesitate to check out a handsome guy either - I even flirt more. Why not?

 

We women need to openly lust just like the guys - we're just trained to be too ladylike. I say we start a new trend of crotch watching. I myself get turned on by men's muscular arms and calves - that's what I like looking at.

 

Start looking at men and ignore his looking at women. Stop wasting your energy worrying about him and enjoy your own eye candy out there.

[amanda25]

My man has the same problem..I mean, he is INFATUATED with boobs...At first i would get irritated,but after a while, kinda got used to it i guess.LOL..It dont bother me, I know he is with me, so what is it hurtin? Maybe you should talk to him about it, nicely, to see what he says...I dont know, but i know how ya feel, i was there too!

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by MelissaJ

Look at all the big name celebrities who date and marry the most gorgeous women in the world but end up cheating and screwing around.

[..]

Men are dogs - they have caveman tendencies and lust after women.

Look at all the women who are great mothers, but go crazy and murder their children.

 

Women are murderers--the have psychotic tendencies and a lust for child-blood.

 

My point is, your sample may be tainted.

[XNemesisX]

Dyermaker - good point!

 

I don' think this is the rule. My last boyfriend had a horrible roving eye and even openly talked about such and such hot girls. My previous boyfriends before him did NOT do this. If they checked out other women they kept it to their self and did not do this so blatantly and hurtfully.

 

Some men are dogs. Some women are dogs. Some men are respectful and some women are respectful. Find one of the respectful kind and let him go terrorize some other girl with his distasteful behavior.

[Pyrannaste]

meshelbe,

you did not mention in your post if you ever told your fiance that his looking at other women's tits bothers you. Did you?

 

I think that the majority of guys *could* manage to keep his eyes from slipping if they tried(hard or even not), and that many guys will willingly resist looking at other women when they are with their SO once they have a clue it bothers her.

[HokeyReligions]

Have you actually told him that you find his behavior disrespectful to you and rude and have you asked him point-blank to not do this around you?

 

When my husband and I were first dating I saw him look at other women a few times and I did find that rude. He was my focus when we were out. I didn't say anything to him and after we'd been out a few months I realized that he wasn't looking. I didn't say anything, but I was thinking that he was developing feelings for me and he doesn't 'see' anyone else -- just like I didn't 'see' anyone but him. Some years later we were talking (arguing I think) and he said he made a point of not looking because he was afraid it would hurt my feelings, not because he wasn't still curious or still didn't enjoy the sight of a lovely body or face, but out of respect for me. I didn't realize that before.

 

Not all men will do this of their own accord -- so tell him how it makes you feel and ask him to refrain while with you.

 

PS: My husband and I have been together so long now that I'll point out a beautiful woman to him- sometimes serious because beauty is beauty, but sometimes jokingly as in 'lookit her legs - I'll bet they go ALL the way up!" or "dang! She must be wearin' a back brace, if I had those I'd have to have them on wheeled supports to push around in front of me" or "those are Waaaay to perky to be real -- she's gonna take some dude's eye out the way she keeps swingin' those around!" kind of comments! I don't care if he looks now.

 

Things change and his looking, while rude and disrespectful, doesn't change his feelings for you. I've seen some adorable puppies but I don't love my sway-backed, blind, ugly-mutt any less because of the cute pups!

[MsLandon]

many things in relationships are worth compromising...respect is NEVER one of them. If he loves you he'd change his behavior out of respect for your feelings.

 

 

don't get me wrong. Just because one is married, engaged or in a relationship doesn't mean that they will never think another man or woman is attractive. some people are attractive and that's ok. But gawking or looking in such a way that is disrespectful, noticable and hurtful to loved ones isn't acceptable -- particularly when you have called him on it several times. Nip it in the bud because marrying someone who is disregard your feelings before you are married doensn't bode well for after the marriage.

[dyermaker]

I believe this "respect for feelings" is a crock of waste. It's a completely relative term, used to guilt someone into complying with your demands. What if this were important to him--wouldn't you be disrespecting his feelings by not allowing him to tit-perv?

 

Find a way to work through your problems that doesn't include emotional blackmail--issues need not be qualified by making it a litmus test for love or respect. That's totally destructive behavior, and doesn't belong in a relationship. That's the way a toddler gets cookies at the store.

[MsLandon]

The expectation that someone, either in a professional relationship or a personal one treat you in a manner that is respectful is no where near the realm of emotional blackmail. She has not extorted anything from him and threatened that he comply in order to get what he wants back. She isn't holding anything over his head and demanding that he comply or else...

 

 

This is a situation where his actions hurt her, he knows that they hurt her because she makes a big deal out of it everytime he does it, yet he seeks self gradification anyway. I think that turning this into a , "What if this were important to him--wouldn't you be disrespecting his feelings by not allowing him to tit-perv? " situation isn't really productive - because following that logic...what if developed in to infidelity. Should she not take the infidelity personally and respect his need to cheat because it is important to him? What about what's imporant to her. This isn't about guilting anyone into submission. I don't believe in playing that game or any others.

 

 

don't you agree that relationships go two ways? there has to be give and take? Why should she be the only one giving? You want her to disregard her feelings in lui of his - not a smart move. Folks tend to develop resentment down the line after having done this. I suggest a mutually equitable arrangement. For me that's him aknowledging her pain, and resepcting her feelings enought o at least not do it in her presence.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by MsLandon

The expectation that someone, either in a professional relationship or a personal one treat you in a manner that is respectful is no where near the realm of emotional blackmail.

Right, but you're doing the blackmail by QUALIFYING his compliance by making it an issue of love or respect. It circumvents communication, because you're emotionalizing it.

She has not extorted anything from him and threatened that he comply in order to get what he wants back. She isn't holding anything over his head and demanding that he comply or else...

I don't know if you've ever lived with women before, but when they're convinced that you don't love or respect them, things aren't peaceful--ask my dad's permanant mark in the couch.

This is a situation where his actions hurt her, he knows that they hurt her because she makes a big deal out of it everytime he does it, yet he seeks self gradification anyway.

See, that's the thing. It's not that the actions hurt her, it's that she's hurt by the actions--there is a difference. I'm not marginalizing this--tit-perving is certainly an issue for some. What needs to happen is communication. When you say "Respect my feelings by doing what I say" or "If you loved me you'd stop" or "When you do this you're hurting me, so..." Then you are NOT communicating. Instead, you're circumventing communication by playing a childish, albeit effective, game.

You want her to disregard her feelings in lui of his - not a smart move.

No, I said no such thing. I want her to stop qualifying his actions in terms of love and respect--because it's extremely destructive.

 

I didn't say he wasn't doing anything wrong, but he's not on the forum--she is, so my advice to her is to handle it like an adult.

[soserious1]

Well Dyer,how is a woman to handle things when the man ogles so openly that he stops conversation in mid-sentence or makes comments like "omg god,look at the tits on her" or "god damn,she must have those pants painted on" or he double and triple takes so hard that he almost falls from the chair he's seated on? What does a woman say when a man gives her a detailed report of the sweet young thangs he saw arould the local high school while out on his daily walk?

 

Tell me please how to act and behave in these situations.I've tried rational discussion and all I get is defensiveness,hostility and anger.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by soserious1

Well Dyer,how is a woman to handle things when the man ogles so openly that he stops conversation in mid-sentence or makes comments like "omg god,look at the tits on her" or "god damn,she must have those pants painted on" or he double and triple takes so hard that he almost falls from the chair he's seated on?

You immediately tell him that his behavior is inappropriate. Don't qualify it by making it an issue of love or respect, men are conditioned to blow that off.

What does a woman say when a man gives her a detailed report of the sweet young thangs he saw arould the local high school while out on his daily walk?

Tell him that you're not interested, and remind him that it's inappropriate. Be as calm and rational as you can.

I've tried rational discussion and all I get is defensiveness,hostility and anger.

If you can't communicate rationally, you should try some form of counselling.

[MsLandon]

Originally posted by dyermaker

Right, but you're doing the blackmail by QUALIFYING his compliance by making it an issue of love or respect. It circumvents communication, because you're emotionalizing it.

 

I don't know if you've ever lived with women before, but when they're convinced that you don't love or respect them, things aren't peaceful--ask my dad's permanant mark in the couch.

 

See, that's the thing. It's not that the actions hurt her, it's that she's hurt by the actions--there is a difference. I'm not marginalizing this--tit-perving is certainly an issue for some. What needs to happen is communication. When you say "Respect my feelings by doing what I say" or "If you loved me you'd stop" or "When you do this you're hurting me, so..." Then you are NOT communicating. Instead, you're circumventing communication by playing a childish, albeit effective, game.

 

No, I said no such thing. I want her to stop qualifying his actions in terms of love and respect--because it's extremely destructive.

 

I didn't say he wasn't doing anything wrong, but he's not on the forum--she is, so my advice to her is to handle it like an adult.

I think she is handling it like an adult. she calles him on behavior that offends her. No matter how you may want to "rationalize" a person's behavior and not take it personally, we are human and the bottom line is that some actions are a sign of one's level of love and respect for their relationships. A person who constantly behaves in a particular way - whether it be tit perving, cheating, being abusive what ever, knowing that their actions will result in offending their partner obviously feels that they have the right to do that regardless of how it affects their partner, family whom ever and I think that women have the right to discuss what behavior they will and will not tolerate.

 

 

Houson we have a problem. laughing. I think there's been a misscommunication. I can't speak for others who've posed their opinions here, but I never said to imply or say to him, "Respect my feelings by doing what I say," or If you loved me you'd stop.." As a woman who can be pretty sensitive, I personally would never say that and I would be and I'd be offended if my mate tried to use that line because those terms are not about problem resolution it's about control. That possibly could qualify as blackmail. What I said was I think that the fact that he doesn't stop knowing that tit perving bothers her is a clear sign that he isn't very concerned with her feelings. I do feel that the fact that he continues doingit although it's obvious that it hurts her is a sign that he doesn't respect her feelings or simply disregards them.

 

 

In terms of discussion with him I'd suggest asking him point blank why he does it. Does he realize that it bothers her (although by this point he has to since she makes a point of bringing it up to each and every time he does it) and coming to some compromise so that she's not offended, hurt or what have you. Looking at other people is pretty normal I think...but doing so in a manner that repeatedly offends the person you love is something different and she's not the only one who needs to make an adjustment. Ya know?

[meshelbe]

I feel totally capable of being rational about the tit perving. For me however, that would mean being emotionally detatched, I do that well. I want to be emotionally engaged with this person and I suppose that is where my difficulty lies.

 

My main issue though was not that it hurts me, although its true it certainly does, it is that I immediately disrespect him. I feel myself better somehow. The suggestion that I perv on crotches is fun but to me not at all interesting. I have no interest in perving on anyone or any body part. And there is my problem, I dont relate to this perving and I interpret it as akin to some form of animal instinct or something.

 

My childish response would be more likely to be that I would use him for something or dupe him in someway to punish him. But not with infedility or perving, more like confusing him intellectually or taking advantage of his simple nature. That is not an option Im just qualifying what my actual childish response would be which is not "Do this or else" "If you loved me etc"

 

So, perhaps the more releveant question is - How do I somehow respect and continue to love a man who does something that makes him look like a simplistic buffoon?

[Eliza]

I have just started dating a lovely guy who seems into my body and gives me lots of compliments. However, he is a terrible perve and very open about it.

 

I know he's 'just being a guy' but I've never dated someone who is so open about it (I guess he's being honest, but sometimes it's a bit much!!).

 

It does make me feel a bit insignificant. Not because I'm jealous, but because I've lightheartedly mentioned a couple of times to 'ease up!' and he keeps doing it. "It's just looking" he says.

 

'Looking's' cool, but verbalising it regularly on a daily basis doesn't make me feel very special. We all look. I do. In fact, I mentally note it every time I do so I justify him doing it.

 

However, if I notice a cute bloke, I don't blatantly look and make comments. I respect my new guy too much and he's the one I'm perving on! As someone mentioned in this thread before - I only have eyes for him when I go out.

 

Should I ask him to keep it to himself, or just learn to live with it?

[TylerC]

Originally posted by MelissaJ Men are dogs - they have caveman tendencies and lust after women. They have sex on the brain 24/7. Nothing can stop them from checking out T&A walking by.

 

I resent that comment, because not all men are dogs, and not all men have sex on the brain 24/7. Things can stop them from checking out T&A too.

 

Also, just because a man looks at a woman doesn't mean he is lusting after her.

[purple21]

lol - i think just some guys are obsessed with boobs - i just met a guy like that - we are not dating so it doesn't really effect me so much (he is my im friend) - we were watching the oscars and he made a comment at everyone's boobs - it actually made me laugh - he even wanted me to send him a picture of my boobs - umm no - he has to be the biggest boob perv i've ever met and we joke about it. He goes to nudie bars and tells me about stuff he has downloaded online. But then again - I'm not dating him so I'm not sure how that cool that would be after awhile.

 

But as for dating someone like this and if it really hurts your feelings - you can talk to him about it but I don't think that would stop him completely - maybe you can tell him to be more discrete about it. I'm not sure how discrete he is about it.

 

I think everyone is always checking each other out naturally - some just do it more discretely than others. My ex would sometimes make comments about the hotness of another girl but again I would say something about a guy once in awhile - but that didn't mean we were gonna do anything about it.

[JulieBoolie]

I've been in relationships with men who never oogled other women and respected me and I've been with total slimeballs who'd break their neck to look at women walk by or openly flirt. There's a difference between a gentleman and a slimball. Decide who you'd rather be with.

 

If he can't focus on you stop wasting your time hoping for change - he ain't worth it.

 

You might think that all the good ones are taken but trust me, so are alot of the bad ones. So, with that thought there are still good guys out there to be with. Don't settle - be with someone who respects you.

 

You want to be able to leave him feeling better about yourself rather than leaving him and wondering what he's perving over or jacking off to.

 

There are nice guys out there - you just gotta weed thru a bunch of losers to find them. Keep looking.

[jade_nc]

sometimes asking them to stop just doesn't make an impact. my H used to be horrible about it, completing ignoring me so he could watch someone walking by. he and his friends would make comments in "guy talk", hushed voices, etc.

 

i told him i found it rude and hurtful - didn't do a thing.

 

so, i started doing it. we'd go out with friends and i would make a point of checking out other guys with my girlfriend. my girlfriend and i even did a few cat calls for maximum effect.

 

after two nights of this, my H got the pic. he no longer behaves like a locker room man when we are in public together. he saves it for when he's with the guys.

 

and when the guys are in our home - they know better than to start it. once, his friend was making a comment about some babe in a beer commercial. so when he got up to get a beer, i said, i can see why you have to make comments about women on tv- you're not getting any dressed like that are you? then all i talked about during the game was how built the guys were - hazed them about being envious of them, etc. he's been very respectful in our home since then.

[BlockHead]

JulieBoolie

There are nice guys out there - you just gotta weed thru a bunch of losers to find them.

I get the message.

[noname]

Originally posted by soserious1

Well Dyer,how is a woman to handle things when the man ogles so openly that he stops conversation in mid-sentence or makes comments like "omg god,look at the tits on her" or "god damn,she must have those pants painted on" or he double and triple takes so hard that he almost falls from the chair he's seated on? What does a woman say when a man gives her a detailed report of the sweet young thangs he saw arould the local high school while out on his daily walk?

 

Tell me please how to act and behave in these situations.I've tried rational discussion and all I get is defensiveness,hostility and anger.

 

 

 

 

 

sorry, i am not Dyer, but truth be told... she deals with the situation as such. she finds someone else to be with that makes her feel more comfortable. whoever this is, is doing so because he gets away with it, or because he doesn't give a ****. i have seen it several times written- no one should be in a situation that they are not comfortable in. and to me it sounds like you are fed up with someone who doesn't care to make you feel comfortable. find someone who does. or start making comments like "check out his crotch! i'll bet he's really packin'..." (only if he is non-abusive because i don't want you getting into any trouble for my stupidity. seriously) and see if he changes his behavior...

 

i am not saying that Dyer and i share the same school of thought. i just think that he may be misunderstood. clearly if someone does something that makes their partener uncomfortable, have been made aware of it, and still does it... they have either not been made to understand how serious it effects the relationship or they don't give a rat's ass. in either case "emotional blackmail" is not healthy in either case. what to do... surround yourself with people who respect your wishes. if i had a platonic friend who made me feel uncomfortable, i wouldn't spend time trying to give them ultimatums to make them a better friend. why would i want to force someone to treat me how i want to be treated?

 

as far as the original post... i think that Moimeme said it best. for your own sanity and well being, you need to be able to seperate his looking from his love. simply stated a woman's body is beautiful, idolized by all, women and men alike. we are obsessed with the female form. every magazine, add. how many women want to have the "perfect" body. boobs are an "in your face" object that people have to face. my woman is decently endowed and i watch people when i am with her. i catch just as many women looking as i do men. the only difference is that women are more slick about the way they look and when they do it is not always perceived as being sexual. men don't care because it is deemed "acceptable behavior".

 

people have to come to terms with looks. simply stated, boobs are beautiful. everybody knows it. if they were not there wouldn't be new Vicky's secret lines every season and more plastic surgeons than you can shake a stick at. bottom line is that when a man checks a woman out, it does not always mean (even though it often does) that he wants to take her to bed. if i see a woman with a nice body and i look, it does not mean that i do not appreciate my woman's body, or that i am comparing the two, or that i want a piece. it is simply that she has a beautiful body, and that is that. once you stop equating love and satisfaction with your man's propensity to look, you may be able to alleviate some of the trust issues. and you need to do it for yourself in order to be able to have a healthy relationship. when one has a dog and sees another beautiful dog, they may admire it, but does that mean that they are going to send theirs to the pound. beauty is made to be appreciated. i am not exusing excessive behavior. i just don't want you beating yourself over the head anytime a nice looking woman walks by and your man happens to take notice.

 

on the other hand, i DO understand where you are coming from with your discomfort at him doing it so obviously. that may be a problem, if he has not the ability to curb his enthusiasm. men (or people for that matter) are always going to look at what they want to. but there it is controlable to a certain extent. while at work people maintain a certain behavior so as not to lose their jobs. i admit that i do look at what i find attractive, but i do not "ogle" because it makes women feel uncomfortable, most often the one's that are being ogled at. i also do not check out when i am with my woman out of respect. if he is made to understand that it makes you so uncomfortable that you have to seek advice from a bunch of people like us... he should be able to chill out a bit if he really cares...