How do women get over men's 'tit perving'?

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by MelissaJ

Men are dogs

they have caveman tendencies and lust after women.

They have sex on the brain 24/7.

Nothing can stop them from checking out T&A walking by.

 

 

1. Not all of us.

2. Not all of us.

3. Not all of us.

4. Not all of us.

 

I've learned that when my man looks when he's with me - I totally ignore it. I don't hesitate to check out a handsome guy either - I even flirt more. Why not?

 

We women need to openly lust just like the guys - we're just trained to be too ladylike. I say we start a new trend of crotch watching. I myself get turned on by men's muscular arms and calves - that's what I like looking at.

 

Start looking at men and ignore his looking at women. Stop wasting your energy worrying about him and enjoy your own eye candy out there.

 

Ah. Eye for an eye. I get it.

 

I disagree. She has a problem with this guy staring at other women's boobs. I think she should tell him that it offends her. If he doesn't fix the problem, then I think she really DOES have an issue. If his eyes wander now, what are they going to do once they are married and "routine" sets in.

 

I loved my ex more than anything. I never had the notion to look at anyone else. Even if I did, I was quick to remind myself how great my g/f was and that I didn't need to look and shouldn't.

 

It's all about self control. Doesn't sound like has much.

[Mz. Pixie]

I certainly believe that everyone looks at one time or another. I don't mind if my man looks but a- I don't want it to be obvious and b-I don't want a single comment to be made. He can save that kinda crap for the locker room or hanging with his boys.

 

To me, that's respect. I guess I was just raised old fashioned that men were suposed to treat a lady like a lady and especially in public!

[westernxer]

Sometimes the eyes just wander on their own...

[ThumbingMyWay]

As Jerry Sienfeld once said. Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You look, then look away.

 

 

I admit...I do take a look...s***...my wife even looks....in fact she will somtimes point them out to me....shes freaky like that sometimes

[SadAndLonely]

To quote the original poster:

 

Originally posted by meshelbe But when even he cant seem to prevent his eyes from flicking to any woman's chest that walks by I have to wonder?

 

FLICKING! The word "flicking" is not synonomous with "ogling"! For God's sake, even *I* look at other women, sometimes their chests, and I have 38DD's! I'm heterosexual and very much in love with my boyfriend. If you're an artist, you take notice of other people's bodies, the lines and movements and whatnot, and even if you're not, you can appreciate beauty and still be in love with someone.

 

Now, if he were ogling and drooling and making suggestive comments about other women, then that's something completely different, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

[noname]

Originally posted by meshelbe

I feel totally capable of being rational about the tit perving. For me however, that would mean being emotionally detatched, I do that well. I want to be emotionally engaged with this person and I suppose that is where my difficulty lies.

 

My main issue though was not that it hurts me, although its true it certainly does, it is that I immediately disrespect him. I feel myself better somehow. The suggestion that I perv on crotches is fun but to me not at all interesting. I have no interest in perving on anyone or any body part. And there is my problem, I dont relate to this perving and I interpret it as akin to some form of animal instinct or something.

 

My childish response would be more likely to be that I would use him for something or dupe him in someway to punish him. But not with infedility or perving, more like confusing him intellectually or taking advantage of his simple nature. That is not an option Im just qualifying what my actual childish response would be which is not "Do this or else" "If you loved me etc"

 

So, perhaps the more releveant question is - How do I somehow respect and continue to love a man who does something that makes him look like a simplistic buffoon?

 

 

several things...

 

1)(not to be harsh in any way) but, get over it. stop equating visual behavior with emotion. he is looking not writing love letters. not to make any assumptions but have you ever at one time or another have seen an attractive man walk by you, or you have had a celebrity crush on someone like Brad Pitt or Vin Diesel and checked them out. and it is likely you did NOT wish that you were with him instead of your man? you just appreciated how they look...

 

2)use your rationale and let him know that although you can not stop his natural urge to look, it would prove most prudent to the success of your relationship to curb his behavior around you

 

3)i take it he was not a simplistic buffoon before you were together when he was checking you out. so why has he become one now? he is appreciating something that he finds beautiful. yes he may be able to control it a little better, but this does not warrant disrespect. disrespect is a strong word and is a serious issue, and if you cannot respect your man for something as simple as looking at some boobs, how are you going to deal with the serious trials of a long term relationship? incidentally, this goes on his behalf as well. he needs to be able to compromise on the little things as well, cause believe me, you will have a host of bigger issue to deal with in this partnership (just the breaks of relationships).

 

4)communicate. i may be wrong, but it if you were to communicate it to him (effectively) and tell him all that you have been able to pour out here, he might just see his error.

 

my suggestion... you may notice that writing down your feelings is a great way to get your thoughts out. plus when you do you can totally get a point accross without interuption or tangents. try writing your feelings down to him, in a calm manner and let him read it. may seem a little weird because people always want to do things face to face, but my woman and i do it all the time and we have a perfectly healthy relationship. we find that people are not always the best listeners when they have things to say. so the written word give the person a way to pour their heart out without reaction or response. guess what... you are already trying it, and it is working. we are sure listening now as we read, i'm sure he can too...

 

 

 

(sidebar) is the subject matter an issue? would it be any different if he were just looking at their faces and not their breasts? would that spark the same disrespect?

some people have a thing for beautiful eyes. would it make you feel uncomfortable if he were admiring those?

 

i am not excusing his behavior i just want you to understand that it may be all the same to him. i love women's hair, and when i see beautiful hair, i look at it with nearly the same fervor as i would at body parts. i don't know how relevant that is to your man's situation, but i appreciate beauty for what it is. i look at it and move on, and with no disrespect or with no less love or desire for my woman. i have loved the form of the woman my whole life, because i simply do, not just for practice for when i find the perfect one. and because i have found the woman of my dreams does not mean that that love or admiration for the form of the woman is going to disappear, and i do not expect that from her either. i know that just because she has found me that she is all of a sudden going to "poof" magically not appreciate beauty. however, i do respect her enough to keep it in check so that she feels comfortable...

 

hope this helps. good luck...

[noname]

Originally posted by SadAndLonely

To quote the original poster:

 

 

 

FLICKING! The word "flicking" is not synonomous with "ogling"! For God's sake, even *I* look at other women, sometimes their chests, and I have 38DD's! I'm heterosexual and very much in love with my boyfriend. If you're an artist, you take notice of other people's bodies, the lines and movements and whatnot, and even if you're not, you can appreciate beauty and still be in love with someone.

 

Now, if he were ogling and drooling and making suggestive comments about other women, then that's something completely different, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

 

 

 

eloquently spoken. couldn't have said it any better myself...

 

and obviously you are not sad and lonely anymore. congrats...

[westernxer]

Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay

I admit...I do take a look...s***...my wife even looks....in fact she will somtimes point them out to me....shes freaky like that sometimes

 

Your wife sounds cool. Does she have a sister?

 

Kidding, of course.

[blackchild]

all i can say is an eye for an eye! some guys need (or deserve) i get what they have been putting their girl through back! If he's looking at other women, start looking at other guys! If he gets upset simply tell him "you can do it but why can't I?" if he doesn't understand and he still continues to look at other women after talking to him about him over and over again leave his ass! trust me i was in a relationship like that and the guy did not understand nor listened to my point of view so i left his sorry ass!

[jade_nc]

for those making comments like: sometimes the eyes just wonder, it's like looking at the sun, it's a guy thing...blah, blah, blah

 

give me a freakin break! here's a newsflash for ya: you are a human being first, just like us. the "it's a guy thing" is nothing but a poor excuse. try acting like a human first and a guy second.

 

the original post was from a year ago. so, i didn't read the entire thread. Eliza re-opened the thread and said that her b/f IS verbalizing, not just glancing.....no one of either sex should have to put up with that.

[erika2610]

Originally posted by moimeme

That which makes you unhappy in any situation is the set of ideas that you have constructed around the situation. So, for instance, you say I cant comprehend how he can love me and my body and keep looking at other women's bodies. So, in your mind, you believe that him looking at others' bodies must mean he does not love you. That hurts you.

 

The truth of the matter is that him looking at others' bodies has no effect on how much he loves you, but because you have linked the two in your mind, you are caused distress. Now, if you can get yourself convinced that his looking at women does not diminsh his love for you, this will cease to hurt.

 

Read some books by Dr. Albert Ellis. He pioneered Rational-Emotive Behaviour Therapy which helps people decouple hurtful thoughts from the emotions they cause.

 

You, as a woman should know how disrespectful this behavior is.. it wouldn't bother you at all?

[westernxer]

Stop whining, Jade.

[jade_nc]

yep - exactly.....stop whining!

[westernxer]

[Bunnylove]

I feel for the original writer of this topic. My ex was the same. Just broke up 2 weeks ago due to his obsession with 'other women'. He just could HELP himself and would make all the same bull**** excuses most of you are making. I am a women and when i'm single I might keep my eye out for cute guys...NOT when i'm in a relationship. Its very natural for me when I'm in love with someone to NOT look around for/at other guys. WHY would I want to? I'm happy VERY happy with what I've got. Maybe if I wasn't totally happy in the relationship i might start looking elsewhere and that would be a sighn for me that I should be moving on. WHY OH WHY is it OK that guys should objectify women's bodily parts? WHY should it be OK to 'LOOK' (drool or whatever). Some poor girl walking down the street minding her own business not knowing she is being perved on...thats a shame really...I don't like it when it happens to me. SOME gilrs ENJOY the attension....personally I HATE walking past builders ect and have them 'checking me out' its so simple minded, replulsive and ultimetlay disrespectfull. Maybe I wouldnt sound so prudish if my last bofriend wasnt such a womaniser...always saying its 'natural' for a GUY to look at other women. (he was also a cheater and a lier) Where have all the gentlemen gone? Has our planet turned into a mindless, boundryless sex fest...where everyone just shaggs about and objectifies one and other? Is there ANYONE out there that is so happy and in love when they are in a relationship that is felt WRONG to be looking at other peoples sexual orgins? Seems like we are heading back to the primitive times...If I feel this way am I the only one. These issues to tell you the truth are braking my heart.....am I the only one?

[westernxer]

In my experience, every woman who's complained about the lack of gentlemen in our society were also the ones who chose the wrong guys to begin with.

 

Some predicament, eh?

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay

I admit...I do take a look...s***...my wife even looks....in fact she will somtimes point them out to me....shes freaky like that sometimes

 

Yeah I do that too. There are times in the car, stopped at a light and a woman with HUGE KNOCKERS walks by... You can't NOT notice nor say anything!!

 

My husband looks and there is nothing wrong with that. Doesn't bother me at all. He doesn't oggle and get all excited like a kid in a candy store. BUT inside if he feels that way, hey, it's OK. His private thoughts are HIS. I don't need to know HOW it makes him feel by seeing that, I know it! lol

[Marka]

Males are programmed to have sex on the brain. They are visually stimulated - they look for T & A all the time. BUT! There are ways men can do this without pissing off their girlfriends and wives and making it obvious. That's the difference between a gentleman and an idiot.

[westernxer]

Hell, I know girls who get mad if their partner watches a love scene in a movie, even though they're watching it together.

 

That's another topic, though.

[Eliza]

I think good old fashioned boob perving would be easier to take than saying someone is 'pretty' or 'drop dead gorgeous' all the time.

 

I am still seeing that guy and he tells me how pretty I am all the time. It's lovely, however, he also says it aloud about other girls all the time when I'm with him. It kind of undervalues what he says to me. I know it's petty, but it's a bit annoying.

 

On the weekend we went out the first time as a couple to the local pub and he's introducing me to his friends and saying 'isn't she pretty' et etc. He seemed very proud to be with me.

 

Then I overhear him saying to his friends "isn't (a girl from his work was there) just gorgeous?". One minute I feel very special in his eyes, the next he's throwing around niceties about other women in the same room. I asked him to keep his perving to himself because it hurts my feelings. He didn't see the issue and said "I tell her all the time at work how pretty she is". I was a bit annoyed and find it hard to take his comments to me seriously now!!

[Bunnylove]

I feel ya! My ex was the same...hence he is my ex!

 

I just wanted to say to folk who think its totaly ok to perve on other women....have you never been told its rude to stare?...if it was a diformed person i'm sure you would want to look but out of politness you dont. Just cause a woman has big knockers, that doesnt mean she likes to be perved at/stared at. It (usualy) is the way they were born. I think its out of order for men to go around objectifying women like that whether they are with someone or not. And doing it when they already have a partener is just ultimetly disrepectfull.

[miss fortune]

I just want to add something here...

 

Life is too short to feel like you are comprimising yourself. To others, his looking at other ladies may not bother them. But clearly it does you, and you've let him know this (I think) in a constructive way. If he loved you, he'd at least TRY to adhere to your requests, albeit a small amount. Any sign that he acknowledges your behavior is a good break through.

 

BUT, and dont get me wrong because I know all men look, there ARE some men who dont make it as obvious that their attention has been derailed by a pretty female walking by. They simply know what not to do or say, sometimes its a learned behavior...but you dont have to put up with this if you truly are hurt by it.

 

Theres a saying, women marry men hoping to change them, and men marry women hoping they never change.

 

Its true.

[kittenhead]

hey bunnylove-

 

i just wanted to let you now that i saw your post to me. for some reason--i can't write private messages either. sorry this is a deviation from the original post--but I just wanted to let you know, bunny, that things have ended rather badly between my BF and I.

 

I am incredibly heartbroken and I feel very immature for what has happenned. it was a very intense relationship and it just fell apart. it's been one week since the horrible episode and I'm so lonely. he's just stopped talking to me. and i miss him.

[Bunnylove]

GOD! Its feels like forever since Ive been here. I used this forum to help me come to terms with a break up but now I'm back on my feet and feeling like the world is my oister again! Phewf brake ups are always hard but you have to remember its only a matter of a few months and you fine again looking for someone better than the last. However personally I don't feel ready for a relationship after that last one. I really need to have a think about relationships and men in general. I might have some trust issues to deal with before embarking on another relationship. Plus Ive realised that with all this freedom to have a peacfull life and mind, i can get so much more done in my life...it's amazing how being a newly single can sometimes be empowering. My ex and I are still in touch every couple of weeks and still good freinds. Still miss and love each other but I guess it was for the best we split.

 

Kittenhead I cant even remember what the private message was about. Was it about your boyf watching porn?

 

I'm sorry to hear about your brake up but as I have just said, its only a matter of time and so give that to yourself. The relationship was difficult and by the sounds of it, its taken allot out of you. Time to take care of yourself and begin healing. It WILL take time but it wont go on forever. Its just like braking a leg or something and being in hospital. You find people there to help take care of you. You take time to rest and eat while your aching leg repairs. But all you can do is lie there and wait for a long while. Its the time when your heart brakes. Be sure to have your friends around you at a time like this. You have the risk of becomming at a recluse when you feel down. Spend time pampering yourself too.

 

The first week or two is always the worst, especially in the mornings when you wake and realise your reality is not all that good at the moment. I know this sounds weird but when I last broke up with a boyf (b4 THIS last one), I was so upset but I decided to do something ive always wanted to do to cheer me up. I suggest you do the same. Whether it be travelling or going on a hot air balloon...whatever. Spend some money on yourself and but the best present youve ever had for yourself.

 

I bought my self a baby bunny. And he cheered me up every day. Plus its good to have something to cudle.

 

Stay in touch Kittenhead...youll be ok darlin!

 

xoxoxo