Today is my birthday. I'm ending it with her tonight.

[fallenheart]

Not even 48 hours later and already feeling like I made the biggest mistake of my life.

 

Every second, all these wonderful memories are flooding my brain from the two years we were together...all those early dates when I was so nervous, all the good times. There were less recently, but there used to be so many good times. I don't want to believe that those good times were lies.

 

Right now it seems impossible to think that it was actually MY idea to break things off. I want to reach back and shake myself and say "Don't do it!!" I want to tell myself to just ACCEPT her lousy treatment....that it was worth 6 days of being ignored just to have a few good hours with her on the 7th day.

 

I went from making a difficult decision and being very firm about it to being in the grips of my worst nightmare in a matter of hours. She left me without a trace of emotion in her face, without a backwards glance and it JUST KILLED ME TO MY VERY SOUL.

 

I have been sobbing uncontrollably like a child for the first time in god knows how long. I've lost all sense of reason or logic. I haven't eaten in days and I haven't slept for more than a few hours at a time. Every thought or impulse or desire I have is boiled down to ONE idea, over and over and over....I MADE A MISTAKE. I WANT HER BACK.

 

Obviously this is insane. I don't want the girl that walked away from me so heartlessly. I want that beautiful smiling girl I fell in love with two years ago. But she's never coming back. And all I can do is sob and scream til my voice hurts.

 

I'll never hug her again. I'll never run my fingers through her hair.

 

What the **** have I done????

Edited November 6, 2011 by fallenheart

[fallenheart]

Staging it on my birthday wasn't some way to alter the outcome. I did it cause her indifference towards me on what should have been a special day was truly the last straw I needed to open my eyes about the situation.

[Buttercup84]

I am so sorry sweetie , you did the right thing . Do not contact her anymore , trust me .

 

We are all here for you x

[dreamingoftigers]

Not even 48 hours later and already feeling like I made the biggest mistake of my life.

 

Every second, all these wonderful memories are flooding my brain from the two years we were together...all those early dates when I was so nervous, all the good times. There were less recently, but there used to be so many good times. I don't want to believe that those good times were lies.

 

Right now it seems impossible to think that it was actually MY idea to break things off. I want to reach back and shake myself and say "Don't do it!!" I want to tell myself to just ACCEPT her lousy treatment....that it was worth 6 days of being ignored just to have a few good hours with her on the 7th day.

 

I went from making a difficult decision and being very firm about it to being in the grips of my worst nightmare in a matter of hours. She left me without a trace of emotion in her face, without a backwards glance and it JUST KILLED ME TO MY VERY SOUL.

 

I have been sobbing uncontrollably like a child for the first time in god knows how long. I've lost all sense of reason or logic. I haven't eaten in days and I haven't slept for more than a few hours at a time. Every thought or impulse or desire I have is boiled down to ONE idea, over and over and over....I MADE A MISTAKE. I WANT HER BACK.

 

Obviously this is insane. I don't want the girl that walked away from me so heartlessly. I want that beautiful smiling girl I fell in love with two years ago. But she's never coming back. And all I can do is sob and scream til my voice hurts.

 

I'll never hug her again. I'll never run my fingers through her hair.

 

What the **** have I done????

 

Great Book for this: How to Break Your Addiction to a Person

 

When you have breakup backlash like this even though things have been crappy for awhile, it might be symptomatic of this. I went through it at the end of crappy relationships as well.

[M2155]

I don't think your ex took any pleasure or felt any upperhand in being the one who "walked away" like some of the others suggested becasue at the end of the day YOU dumped her. Not even sure she saw it coming (although she did tell you she lost feelings for you so maybe she knew it was for the best as well). And she has no idea how much you are hurting from it. We dumpees usually feel we're the ones most hurt.

 

It's perfectly normal what you are feeling but it will pass:(. You lost someone you cared about and for whatever reason, we always seem to remember all the good times and not really focus on the not so great aspects. If she came back to you tomorrow, it could quickly revert back to the unhappy relationship you had before and then you would have to go through this all over again.

 

You should cry and get everything out of your system because you cared and you need to do that in order to move on. You said yourself this thinking "is insane" which makes me think you will be just fine;) These feelings are temporary. If you did not breakup your pain would have been a lifetime.

[Mcnulty]

It's true, if she was the one, she would be here now. I really feel for you, I'm going through it too.

 

Please eat, you are not doing youself any favours doing this to yourself.

 

Yes mourn your loss, grieve, it's like a death I know.

 

You live only once and life has a great deal to offer, you sound like a good person and one day you will heal from this, as I will. I say to myself, "11 days since I heard she was gone...11 days and I'm still here and I WILL get better".

 

Your mind is distorted at the moment with regards to just thinking about the good times, that'll be due to lack of nourishment and sleep...please nurture yourself, whilst mourning this loss, then when you get stronger, I bet you're thoughts become more clear.

 

Remember, happiness can only come from within, not from others.

[happypanda21]

I'm very sorry that it happened on your birthday. It's not the best day for such a horrible thing to happen, but there is a reason that you felt that you could not postpone this for another day.

 

What the others have said already is very true. Relationships are supposed to be fun, give us energy, and ultimately we want to spend time with the other person. Once a relationship turns sour, when it drains us of this energy, it is not healthy. You did right. It was hard. It will never be easy, even if the circumstances were much worse than they are. Losing a best friend will never be easy.

 

Take a look at yourself. Who you are as a person. At your heart. You will need to fix up your own body first. Take care of it physically. Take care of mentally. Once you learn how to love yourself, the pain of what happened will get weaker and weaker.

[fallenheart]

What an unpleasant, dizzying roller coaster this has been. It's only been less than three days since it happened, but that first 48 hours afterwards felt like it lasted about 2 weeks.

 

Obviously I haven't slept or eaten much of anything. But life goes on and I had to work today so I managed to get about 5 hours of sleep.

 

Funny thing happened...woke up and for the first time had to REMIND myself immediately to feel miserable, instead of it just happening. And so I thought...wait...why feel miserable? If there is even a slight chance that I can get through the worst of this and heal quickly, why not embrace THAT instead of wallowing in self-pity?

 

So I made a decision. When people ask me how I am, instead of saying "terrible" and launching into a soliloquy about my pain....I'll just say I'm doing better or doing fine. I'm too old and life is too short for another prolonged drawn out depression where I toture myself over some girl that left me. I've done it after every major relationship of my life and I always feel like an idiot when I see how much time I wasted by purposely indulging in my own misery. Not this time.

 

One of the hardest things is that this girl that I spent all this time with is just a freaking mystery to me. She was capable of incredible warmth and love and made me feel the center of the universe at times. But more often than that, and certainly recently, she was cold and neglectful to the point where sometimes I wondered if she even considered me her boyfriend at all. Surely, no rational person would treat someone they love with such disdain or neglect, but she did. And I'm not talking about little things like not emailing me "good morning"...I mean ignoring me and showing me so little acknowledgement that I realized with brutal clarity that I was simply not a priority in this person's life. But every time I thought I was at the end of my rope and wanted to cut this misery out of my life...she would show up and give me JUUUUUST enough attention and time to convince me that I mattered to her. And the cycle repeated and repeated. Until I couldn't take it one moment longer, and that was Friday morning when I saw her pathetic excuse for a birthday message on my phone. I'm literally embarrassed for her, she treated me so shoddily.

 

But it's all a mixed-up jumble of conflicted feelings. Yeah, I'm ashamed at how seemingly brain-dead she can be when it comes to other people's feelings...but I also can't kill all those GOOD memories of the priceless moments we shared that were SO perfect. I wanted to "fix" whatever was wrong with her that made her so selfish. I wanted to be as important to her as she was to me and there were moments when I truly felt I was, but they were fleeting. But like any good drug, the brief high justifies the days and weeks of agonizing withdrawal.

 

So now she's gone. I have a box of her things to mail back with her, along with the gift she got me for my birthday that was so insultingly careless I never would have even taken it if I had been thinking in my right mind that night. She gave me a watch. Not my style, didn't need one. Just a cheap easy thoughtless lazy gift you'd give a co-worker. Just physical proof of how little that day and my feelings meant to her. She probably picked it up on her way after work. I never want to see it again...I'll send it back to her. No note. And if she doesn't understand why...I guess that's not my problem either. It's not my job to try to untangle the mysteries of her behaviour anymore.

 

And it's not my job to try to save her or fix her....just myself.

 

So for whatever reason I've got my brave face on today. Probably won't last and by tonight I'll be sobbing and screaming her name again with my face all red like a little kid's.

 

Yesterday I missed her and wanted her back no matter what. I thought "oh it would be worth it to take her abuse and emotionless mannerisms, as long as it means being with her even once or twice a month when she gives me the time!"

 

Pathetic. Just pathetic. No reason ANYONE should ever feel like that.

 

Today I feel sorry for her, and embarrassed for how clumsy her actions are. For the first time ever I feel like she is the one deserving pity, and not me, cause I at least know how other people deserve to be treated. I have empathy. She doesn't. And that's sad to go through life like that.

 

I'll fall in love again. Someday, somehow, somewhere. No idea when but I'm in no hurry. She'll never love anyone but herself. She simply doesn't have the tools to understand what love even is. And that's sad.

[fallenheart]

So I wrote that just a few hours ago and now for no discernible reason whatsoever I was bombarded by a FLOOOOOOOOOD of memories that I don't want to be thinking about now.

 

All the times she came over and how happy we were in the beginning. And I got home after work to the same empty room and knowing she will never be in it again just set off the waterworks. And I just found a picture on my phone I forgot I had that I must have taken almost two years ago of her in my bed, wearing nothing but my blanket and I swear that picture makes me want to jump off the roof.

 

I thought it would be easier to manage since she hasn't been much of a girlfriend at all these last three months or so. Hell, I only saw her THREE times total for the entire month of October and this is a girl that lives very close to me. So that right there tells me how low I was on her list of priorities in her life.

 

So I might have been the one to "pull the trigger" and actually initiate a break-up, but she's been broken up with me in her mind for some time. Just wish I had realized it while it was happening instead of waiting so long and hoping she would change.

 

I don't know if she ever truly loved me cause I'm not sure she is capable of love....but there were moments of intense closeness for most of the first year I'd say. And the memory of those moments are KILLING me.

 

I've been through pain like this before, but I don't deal with it well. Last time this happened to me I lost my job and I ended up unemployed and living with my parents again! It was probably the lowest point of my life, but I somehow managed to pull myself together and make a new life for myself.

 

And now that life is over also...the despair is so great I'm tempting to just destroy myself again, with alcohol or violence or SOMETHING....just can't stand to feel this relentless pain!!

 

I don't know. Anyone have any pointers on how to deal with this intense roller coaster without turning to alcohol or self-destruction???

[TrueColors]

Anyone have any pointers on how to deal with this intense roller coaster without turning to alcohol or self-destruction???

 

FallenHeart,

 

Dude, I seriously feel for you.

 

Advice from me would be to feel the pain. The more you accept it, the quicker it will pass. And once you get through the reactions, you'll find that you're still here. Still alive! The worst thing you can do is supress it. Or find someone else to. Talk to friends (or a just 1 friend); read self-help books such as the one DOT mentioned; seek therapy even and definitely post here. You need perspective and an understanding of the whole relationship, not just the break-up.

 

It will come in waves - just as you've written here - but don't let it fool you. You've got a lot of healing to do. This is only the beginning.

 

It matters not so much what or why she did what she did and when (after all, you asked the question. She just told you her truth), but your reactions and how you played out the relationship.

 

Good memories aside, think back over the 2 years and see if you can find any red flags, instances in the relationship that gave you clues that everything wasn't as "picture perfect" as your mind is telling you they were. These are the reality checks. Ask yourself why you stayed when you may have had an inkling that she wasn't feeling it.

 

Also, I would suggest looking as well at the circumstances that brought you 2 together in the first place. Were you both in a "happy" carefree place in your lives? Had she just broken up with someone? Had you? What was it about her that attracted you?

 

Write it all down. Everything. Even if that means replaying the entire relationship - good AND bad - over. This will give you some perspective and help you start to re-focus on the choices you made.

 

It will take time. And not everything will make sense or give you clarity overnight. But it's a start and one day you will realise the "whys" yourself without her providing them for you.

Edited November 7, 2011 by TrueColors

[TrueColors]

I would also add: take responsibility for your choices and own your feelings.

 

However hard you find things, try not to place (all) blame on her. Or all on you for that matter.

 

It takes 2 to make a relationship work. Can you honestly say that you did everything you could to do that (from your part)?

 

Even if you believe you were the epitomy of an excellent boyfriend, if she wasn't pulling her weight, it was still your choice to put up with it for a whole year (considering you mentioned that the 1st year was good).

(As an aside, sounds like you both had trouble adjusting to being in a committed relationship after the "honeymoon period". That's when the real relationship work begins. Perhaps she/you didn't realise how much effort this takes and let your high expectations overrule this?)

And if it all gets too much? Exercise! Convert that mental energy to physical energy and run, cycle, box it out!

Edited November 7, 2011 by TrueColors

[M2155]

Write your feelings down everyday. I wrote a letter to my ex and edited it every couple days when I was feeling emotional. Your message will change everyday and mine got shorter and shorter. I'd look back to the message and think how freakin pathetic I sounded (although that's fine at the moment since you don't send it). You are logically right on target with your analysis of your own feelings so as long as you allow yourself to feel them and not beat yourself up about it, you will get through this just fine in time.

[Ajax]

Hey Fallenheart, hope today is better than the past two or three. Once the initial shock of the initial breakup is over you can really get down to the business of healing.

 

Don't resort to alcohol or violence. Those will only be more self destructive and hinder your progress. A little over a year ago I was at rock bottom over my breakup. She dumped me in August, I was walking around in a fog for a good month or so until I finally bottomed out last October when I realized she really was never coming back. For the most part I was able to keep away from the booze, but two or three times I succumbed to an alcohol fueled tailspin. It never helps. It just makes you feel even worse and do stupid things.

 

And rather than resorting to violence, hit the gym when you need to get some aggression out. It'll get you in shape and release endorphins that will make you feel better. And eat food. When I got dumped I lost twenty pounds in a month, and I wasn't a big guy to begin with.

[rodin]

I just joined last night and can feel your pain. It's my birthday tomorrow too and I haven't spoken to my "boyfriend" for 4 days. Just got the feeling that the last few times we were together he wasn't there for me and to be truthful I've been pretty fed up of the non comittment and the dire lack of communication these past few weeks.

 

Have got to the point where I need to contact him to tell him it's over though I feel it is already by his not even making the effort to communicate with me. We haven't been together as long as you were Fallenheart but I keep thinking of the good times at the moment too and they seem to be outweighing the bad ones unfortuantely like the waiting around, lack of planning and the excuses.

 

There's some excellent advice on the forum though and I'm closely following the replies on here.

 

Hope you've had a better day.

[fallenheart]

The roller coaster continues.

 

When I manage to sleep thankfully it's been dreamless, cause the last thing I need is to start dreaming about her.

 

But it's not good sleep...I'm in a constant state of being half-awake.

 

Thousand thoughts running through my head. Realized this is the longest we've not contacted each other since July of 2009 and that depresses me more than I can explain.

 

Hating myself for initiating the break up. Hating myself for not seeing the true nature of our relationship months and months and months earlier.

 

I must really hate myself...to consider that shoddy treatment I got from her an acceptable relationship. I thought I was damn lucky to even have her at all, so I let her walk all over me. I was just so thankful to have a girl in my life that seemed to like me.

 

And she did. I know now that really did, the more I over-analyze the entire relationship, she really did care for me for a very long time. But it definitely died. There was no hint of caring or remorse in her eyes the last time I saw her....just....nothing.

 

I'm sure I'm just rambling and repeating myself now. I'm feeling extremely despondent. I feel like I have nothing to live for really. What is there to look forward to? I'll never see her again. Nothing to look forward to and no future.

[Ajax]

Fallen, you're in the "breakup pit." That place where people go after a breakup that everything seems so hopeless and bleak. Inside the pit you can't see what's outside of it, so you wallow in self pity. And that's natural and okay, up to a point. Once the dust settles a bit and you climb out of the pit, you'll have a clearer perspective of your situation, your life, and the world around you.

 

Let's be honest... you weren't really happy in your relationship. And she wasn't really happy with you. Don't beat yourself up over it. Learn from it. What could you have done better? What did you do right? Also, don't pin all the blame on yourself. She clearly bears some responsibility as well. I mean, she wasn't communicating with you very well at all.

 

As painful as this is for you, force yourself to go out and do things with friends. Join an organization or take a class. Reinvent yourself. It will help get you out of the pit.

[rodin]

I'm feeling the same today Fallenheart. Maybe it's cos it's my birthday and he hasn't even sent a text or Email or anything at all...how crap is that and actually how cruel?! I feel so sad, totally neglected and also feel like I've wasted the time I spent with him if he cared so little really.

 

I know we're in a pit as Ajax put it Hopefully tomorrow will be better... At least I now know it's over and I'm going to work on me.

[thepedestrian]

With you guys in the pit today... sorry to hear your story Fallenheart. Go eat and do something constructive for yourself brother if you can. It sounds like you did the right thing.

[M2155]

Hating myself for initiating the break up. Hating myself for not seeing the true nature of our relationship months and months and months earlier.

 

I must really hate myself...to consider that shoddy treatment I got from her an acceptable relationship. I thought I was damn lucky to even have her at all, so I let her walk all over me. I was just so thankful to have a girl in my life that seemed to like me.

 

And she did. I know now that really did, the more I over-analyze the entire relationship, she really did care for me for a very long time. But it definitely died. There was no hint of caring or remorse in her eyes the last time I saw her....just....nothing.

 

I'm sure I'm just rambling and repeating myself now. I'm feeling extremely despondent. I feel like I have nothing to live for really. What is there to look forward to? I'll never see her again. Nothing to look forward to and no future.

 

You have plenty to look forward to. A woman who will care all the time and you will see it in her eyes. You just haven't met her yet!

 

If she had dumped you, you probably would be just as hurt even though you knew it needed to end. She knew it too, she didn't object. You don't hate yourself, you just really have to take time to grieve before you can dust yourself off in order to take on the future with optimism.

[happypanda21]

There will be good days and bad days. The good days are easy, you can do things without much problems. The bad days are just that, hard.

 

Do all you can to stay busy and work on yourself. Focus those energies that you carry onto something productive. Work on a journal, go running, focus on heating healthy, work on a puzzle, read a book, do something, anything that takes your mind off the pain, as long as its helpful. Drinking will not help, it will just make you loose more self control.

 

We are all in the same boat as you, so do not feel alone. I know I used to feel alone in my own pain until I came here are started reading about everyone's situation.

[fallenheart]

Almost a week later and I'm having a moment of clarity. I hope it lasts.

 

I do not need her. I chose to leave her for good knowing full well what that would mean. No more sex, no more dates, no more watching TV and eating pizza in pajamas. I KNEW that. And I did it anyway, cause almost all that stuff was long gone by the time I made my decision.

 

And it WAS my decision. I made my mind up and said goodbye forever, and then immediately afterward got all the wishy-washy pathetic feelings of wanting her back and begging and pleading. Well it was OK for a few days but no more. My decision. Life goes on.

 

I'm going to mail this box to her today. And I'm not doing it for her, I'm doing it for ME. I'm not sending it to her to imagine what her reaction will be. I'm doing it to get the stuff out of my place once and for all. It's over. This is farewell and goodbye. If she wants to throw it away or put it in a shrine, that's her choice and I'll never know, be around to see it or hear about it, or even CARE what she does. It's OVER. And I won't waste any more time wondering if she thinks of me when she sees the gifts I gave her that meant something over the years, cause it's irrelevant.

 

She was a girl that was fun to spend some time with. But then I spent TOO much time trying to prolong something that never destined to last. She was a ****ty girlfriend. Period. Nothing will ever change that. She was never the one for me. I'll fall in love with a much better girl.

 

I finally accept that there is no guilt or shame in breaking up with her and moving on with my life. There is no need to agonize over it, torture myself, and create additional drama or angst where they shouldn't be any. I'm not a bad person. Neither is she. We just weren't compatible.

 

Will I relapse tonight and break down in tears? Maybe. Will I see something that triggers her memory and make me sad? Probably dozens of times a day.

 

But I won't let it destroy me anymore. This relationship slowly died for months. Now it's buried and gone. I'm moving on.

[fallenheart]

So much for all my brave talk.

 

It's been over a week. She hasn't tried to contact me and I know she never will. She's gone forever.

 

And somewhere deep inside I know that's not a bad thing really.....but I can't hear or see logic at this point.

 

All I can see and feel is crippling loneliness and emptiness and the soul-crushing black VOID.

 

Life has no meaning or value. The universe is a dark, wet, miserable place. Existing is pain. Suffering never ends. There is no point to anything and love is a myth.

 

In other words....I am bummed the hell out, and I can't imagine ever being free of this constant despair.

 

It's only been a week so maybe this is normal.....but I just want this end....I want to feel OK again and believe that I have some kind of future......but.....but.......no.

[TheFinalWord]

Hang in there.

 

It is weird...someone we loved and talked to constantly and then they are gone. It is a strange thing and hard to take at first. But you KNOW you made the right choice. Life is short...too short to be treated the way you were being treated.

 

You made the right choice and will feel better. Grieving is a natural process. The fact you're going through it is only human. Right now it is an emotional flare up. Re-read your previous post. It was objective and spoke to the desire of your heart. Keep reading it over and over. It is the truth and your subconscious telling you what is best for your life in the long-term. Right now it is your emotions speaking and playing tricks on you.

[fallenheart]

So much for all my brave talk.

 

 

Life has no meaning or value. The universe is a dark, wet, miserable place. Existing is pain. Suffering never ends. There is no point to anything and love is a myth.

 

****.

 

goddamnit. They say time heals all wounds but here I am one year later and I couldn't possibly agree more with the sentiments Past Me made one year ago.

 

It's my birthday again. And this time I'm OLDER....and more tired....and more cold....and more ****ing ALONE. And I'll always be alone.

 

Hope is for ****ing losers. If you have a glimmer of hope do yourself a goddamn favor and kill yourself now. Cause there is no happy ending. There is no pot of gold.

 

Just sadness and cold and wet and emptiness and despair.

 

****ing kill yourself. I think I'm gonna, sooner than later, cause there sure as **** isn't any point in going on.

[january2011]

Samaritans US - 1 (800) 273-TALK

 

You should not be feeling this way after a year of NC. What have you been doing with yourself over the last year? What are you doing for your birthday other than thinking about your ex?

 

What happened to your thoughts in this post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/305171-today-my-birthday-im-ending-her-tonight-4.html#post3721609 at the top of this page? You wrote that she was a sh*tty girlfriend and that you're glad that she was never the one for you.