My boyfriend jokes about hitting me?

[Kali91]

Get. Out. Now.

 

There isn't one red flag. There are several. He is a sick guy. He pretends like everything is a joke to make it innocuous so he can continue to get away with manipulation and abuse. He is going to get worse. There's no question. And if you stay, by the time he's done you won't have a shred of self esteem left and you won't trust your own judgement because he's trying to supplant yours with his.

 

It sounds like he's grooming you for worse.

 

But what about him asking if I liked his stories? That made me think maybe this is some kink that I'm just not into... It's all so casual and playful... Maybe I should take it for face value.

[ShannonMI]

Nobody knows about these things. I left school for him. I don't want to completely say it's his fault, but I was raped when I went to school and we - together - came to the conclusion that it would be best if I came home.

I told him I couldn't just leave school and go back home... So I live with him now...

 

I know from what I've said you wouldn't believe it, but he does respect me.. He does so much for me. He's been in bad relationships. He's been treated wrong. I told him that I wasn't bsing him. I don't want to let him down. We're supposed to be together forever.

 

Do I sound crazy?

So you were raped? A horribly violent crime against you and your @sshole boyfriend makes jokes about beating you? He's an even bigger piece of sh*t then I thought.

Edited November 4, 2011 by ShannonMI

[smudge21]

I know from what I've said you wouldn't believe it, but he does respect me.. He does so much for me. He's been in bad relationships. He's been treated wrong. I told him that I wasn't bsing him. I don't want to let him down. We're supposed to be together forever.

 

How did I guess that was coming?

 

Tell me, when he finally puts you in hospital, will you think that's your fault or his?

 

Seriously love, he's controlling you 100% and you're doing the exact same thing the majority of people do in abusive relationships, the difference is, he hasn't actually hit you yet so you have a chance to get out without broken bones.

 

Sadly however, despite everyone on here saying the same thing, I already know you won't leave him. Such a shame.

[Citizen Erased]

It gets irritating, but I am happy. Aside from when we argue, he's the sweetest. He really is. I just only mentioned the bad and ugly. I'm only 19, but I've had my share of bad relationships and aside from the joking, he's great.

He's not great, he finds the thought of you waking up in the hospital by his hand FUNNY. He's already started grabbing you and displaying his scary male dominance over you, but of course "he's so sweet, when he's not using jokes to threaten me with his fist, or saying I'm useless" etc etc.

 

I'm not surprised that you think he's really sweet and that you're happy. Neither are true, but you're sounding exactly like every other female that has come on here with abuse issues in their relationship.

 

He has no problem with beating you, and he will. When you have another of those fights when he so hates to be wrong, and you dare to disagree with him, he will hit you. You may just end up in that hospital bed. Ad then you will go back to him cos he didn't really mean to do it, you brought it on yourself by disagreeing with him and not kissing his feet.

 

You already know what he's like and you have the chance to find someone that the thought of hitting you horrifies them. But you won't, cos you will ignore the red flags he's flame throwing your way until he maybe breaks every bone in your body, or gets thrown in jail cos a friend or family member reports him to the police. Or, if God forbid you actually procreate with this moron, when he starts "joking" about landing your children in hospital as well.

 

At 19, believe me, relationships aren't meant to be that difficult. When they are, you have the rest of your long life to find someone that will take care of you, make you happy and give you a safe, healthy relationship. You don't have that in this guy and you know it or you wouldn't have come to this website.

[geegirl]

Nobody knows about these things. I left school for him. I don't want to completely say it's his fault, but I was raped when I went to school and we - together - came to the conclusion that it would be best if I came home.

I told him I couldn't just leave school and go back home... So I live with him now...

 

I know from what I've said you wouldn't believe it, but he does respect me.. He does so much for me. He's been in bad relationships. He's been treated wrong. I told him that I wasn't bsing him. I don't want to let him down. We're supposed to be together forever.

 

Do I sound crazy?

 

You were raped and he intimidates by "joking" about inflicting harm and violent acts on you and you tell us he respects you? It's even more apparent now that he's breaking you into nothing so that he can have full control over you. Just like the battered woman who smiles nervously and says, "he's not so bad."

Edited November 4, 2011 by geegirl

[LurkerXX]

no-he sounds like he is grooming you and right now is slowly working on pushing your boundaries down. He knows you could use support and is using that to make an intense connection to you and to make you feel in debt to him.

 

When he asks if you are afraid of other people are seeing what is happening, like when he was grabbing you around the neck when people are passing, he is testing your ability to pretend that everything is OK when it is not. Abusers usually demand that the people who are abused hide the evidence of what is happening.

[Kali91]

http://www.divinecaroline.com/22074/42869-top-10-signs-an-abusive/2

 

Let me ask you. Does your BF show this side of himself to his friends? Do they all think he's a great guy who while strong wouldn't hurt a flea?

 

Everything you have told us about him says that your boyfriend is a sociopath who is telling you what he will end up doing to you eventually.

 

http://www.lovefraud.com/12_leavingAsociopath/Escape_sociopath_abuse.html

 

 

Thanks for the links. I don't even really know his friends. Which is weird because I live with him and we're always together. He's been hanging with these two dudes lately who I don't like. And I've told him. He agrees that they're kind of ick... But he seems to be hanging out with them more and more. One is going through a divorce and I can see why. The times I've been with him in public, he preys on women... His cockyness is just so unappealing. He's the type that thinks a woman's place is in the kitchen, and he will tell you. I don't like being around him because he always makes some joke about me doing something like a female...Like driving. And when I respond, I'm taking it too seriously... "Just like a woman would."

 

 

Things won't get any better, infact it may get worse.

 

What's another case scenario? Isn't there a chance that he really does just have an off sense of humor?

[Kali91]

So you were raped? A horribly violent crime against you and your @sshole boyfriend makes jokes about beating you? He's an even bigger piece of sh*t then I thought.

 

I thought it was weird that way he has never really been sensitive to it. Through the panic attacks and me not being able to sleep under my covers... The rape happened before we were together, but still exclusive. 2 semesters ago. I told him that I'd stay faithful while I was away. After the rape, I had sex with a few dudes. I was seriously just... Turned on by the fact that I was permitting the sex. He'll throw that in my face. Reminding me that he's never done anything wrong but I have. But we weren't even together! And he just can't imagine... I was in such a bad place. I wasn't myself....

[ShannonMI]

Thanks for the links. I don't even really know his friends. Which is weird because I live with him and we're always together. He's been hanging with these two dudes lately who I don't like. And I've told him. He agrees that they're kind of ick... But he seems to be hanging out with them more and more. One is going through a divorce and I can see why. The times I've been with him in public, he preys on women... His cockyness is just so unappealing. He's the type that thinks a woman's place is in the kitchen, and he will tell you. I don't like being around him because he always makes some joke about me doing something like a female...Like driving. And when I respond, I'm taking it too seriously... "Just like a woman would."

 

 

 

 

What's another case scenario? Isn't there a chance that he really does just have an off sense of humor?

A very MORBID sense of humor. Considering you were a victim of a violent crime and HE KNOWS THIS. That crime being rape. He should NOT be talking about beating you. Period. Even if the rape thing wasn't a factor, he should NOT be talking about beating you. Period. Lose this clown.

[january2011]

Kali91, what are you hoping to get out of this thread? What kind of advice are you looking for?

 

Overwhelmingly, everyone has suggested that you get away from this guy but you're defending him and saying he's a sweet guy when he doesn't do all these things that you wrote in your OP.

 

From what you've said, you've been through a lot and this guy seems like he's a step up from those previous relationships. However, there are guys out there who are even more of a step up. This guy is not the best that you can get. Not by a long shot.

 

But you will tell yourself that he is and believe it, unless you reinstate your boundaries about what is acceptable and loving behaviour from a signficant other. And the voice in your head that told you to post this thread, keep listening to that voice. Because it's telling you that something is wrong. Very wrong.

[dasein]

I am hoping that this post is serious. I am a survivor of domestic violence and I don't take this subject lightly.

 

Was thinking the same thing, too much BS and wolf crying out there detracts from the real deal. It's why I get bent out of shape when people immediately say "call the cops and get a TRO" when some dude asks a girl out more than three times.

 

OP, just get out. Could you see yourself having to put up with this kind of annoyance, rudeness and stress for the long term even if it's just noise on his part? Bleh.

[GorillaTheater]

Jesus, my fatherly instincts are on overdrive here ...

 

Kali, tell your dad and/or brothers what you've told us. Ask them what they think about it.

[Taramere]

We were walking to the car from the beach last night and a group of people were walking by. He was holding me by the neck and as we got closer I tried to remove his grip, but he wouldn't let go. He smiled and asked if I was scared they'd think he beat me. I wasn't sure if he was joking or not, but I was high and he totally knocked me down a few notches. I was just confused, and he was hurting my neck. I don't know what happened, but he suddenly let go and looked at me funny. "What's wrong, you don't want me holding you?" Maybe I was high and being paranoid, but that's not something I normally do.

 

What were you high on? Are you and he both regular drug users?

[CocoaBrown]

My bf constantly makes jokes about hurting me. Slapping me, losing teeth, bloody noses, eyes swollen shut. He's always sizing me up and saying how small, weak and fragile I am, calling this cute. And how I'm the weak woman and he's the strong man. How easy it would be for him to break a bone or knock me out. He makes up stories and puts us in these weird scenarios. Like me waking up in the hospital and not remember anything except for the silhouette of his fist. Me telling my friends that what doesn't hurt me makes me stronger. How people think he's such a good dude and would never suspect he'd do such a thing. He's always saying things like "I really don't want to have to hurt nobody today." Balling his fist...

 

Sometimes when we're walking he'll grab hold of my neck.... This usually only happens when we're walking from the car to apt, where nobody can see. We were walking to the car from the beach last night and a group of people were walking by. He was holding me by the neck and as we got closer I tried to remove his grip, but he wouldn't let go. He smiled and asked if I was scared they'd think he beat me. I wasn't sure if he was joking or not, but I was high and he totally knocked me down a few notches. I was just confused, and he was hurting my neck. I don't know what happened, but he suddenly let go and looked at me funny. "What's wrong, you don't want me holding you?" Maybe I was high and being paranoid, but that's not something I normally do. It just didn't feel right. I just kept pulling away and telling him to let go. He apologized sarcastically later. "Sorry if I shook you up, a man shouldn't scare or slap his woman around. You're so cute." Then he proceeded to talking about how he wouldn't want to have to hurt me because I was too cute... I told him he was a storyteller. He asked if I liked his stories... I asked if he was kidding and he said nevermind. I asked him later on what he meant by it and he said "whatever I said, I was just joking." And that was the end of that.

Though he woke up today the same old him, talking about kicking my butt.

 

Just a few minutes ago he was looking for something and I told him where it was. His response: "See, you are good for something"

 

He talks about how he manipulates people to get what he wants... After the neck thing last night I'm thinking maybe I should pay more attention to these types of comments.

 

He always turns casual conversations into argument. For example the other day we were in traffic and a dude on a Harley was in the lane next to us. My bf asked if his bike looked new. I'm thinking we're just engaging in insignificant chatter. I told him the bike looked new, but considering the fact the he had on a bikers' jacket, it probably wasn't. He just took care of his bike. My boyfriend agreed. Then I just decided to change it up. I said maybe it was a new bike. That since he's in a biking club, he's probably been riding forever, and that Harley probably wasn't his first bike. It turned into a huge argument. He said I was trying to prove him wrong, and that I should just listen to him... That he knew these types of things. I didn't know it was that serious. I thought we were just talking. He hates being wrong. We can't just talk about silly things unless I feel like holding my tongue and just nodding at everything he says.

 

Does this sound red flag? Am I overanalyzing?

 

OMG girl reading this gave me chills. LEAVE HIM!!! Why are you even asking? It sounds like he has scared you and I'm scared for you. Seems as though he is grooming you....first trying to make you think you are nothing but a frail little woman who he can hurt any time he pleases and can get away with it because 1) You can't defend yourself and 2) People would never suspect him of anything. He's gonna end up taking away all of your self-esteem and then you will think no one will want you. Leave him right away!

[CocoaBrown]

What were you high on? Are you and he both regular drug users?

 

I was wondering this too....that could have alot to do with his actions.

[CocoaBrown]

It gets irritating, but I am happy. Aside from when we argue, he's the sweetest. He really is. I just only mentioned the bad and ugly. I'm only 19, but I've had my share of bad relationships and aside from the joking, he's great.

 

Girl, he cannot be that sweet when he treats you the way you describe! His "joking" is abuse! In my opinion you are being abused. Don't think of it as anything else. How old is he? How long have you been dating?

[Kali91]

Kali91, what are you hoping to get out of this thread? What kind of advice are you looking for?

 

Overwhelmingly, everyone has suggested that you get away from this guy but you're defending him and saying he's a sweet guy when he doesn't do all these things that you wrote in your OP.

 

From what you've said, you've been through a lot and this guy seems like he's a step up from those previous relationships. However, there are guys out there who are even more of a step up. This guy is not the best that you can get. Not by a long shot.

 

But you will tell yourself that he is and believe it, unless you reinstate your boundaries about what is acceptable and loving behaviour from a signficant other. And the voice in your head that told you to post this thread, keep listening to that voice. Because it's telling you that something is wrong. Very wrong.

 

I just want to get clarification and make sure that there isn't any possibility that maybe he's just really got a weird brand of humor. If I need to I want to let go of him... But I don't want to if there's a chance that these new suspicions are wrong. I just want to be sure.

 

Was thinking the same thing, too much BS and wolf crying out there detracts from the real deal. It's why I get bent out of shape when people immediately say "call the cops and get a TRO" when some dude asks a girl out more than three times.

 

OP, just get out. Could you see yourself having to put up with this kind of annoyance, rudeness and stress for the long term even if it's just noise on his part? Bleh.

 

I understand. I'm no wolf. I waited to google a website where I could ask these questions until three in the morning so he wouldn't be questioning what I was doing that I'm typing so much. I've playing out talking to friend's on facebook and "just browsing the web."

 

It's really easy to say "just get out." Even before putting these pieces together, I've been thinking I'm too caught up in him. But even without such a major excuse for leaving, when you care about it's not that easy.

 

I guess I'm hoping there's a better case scenario given everything I've told you guys about my bf... I'm not really trusting my judgement, and I want to be right before I make some decision about this relationship...

[january2011]

I just want to get clarification and make sure that there isn't any possibility that maybe he's just really got a weird brand of humor. If I need to I want to let go of him... But I don't want to if there's a chance that these new suspicions are wrong. I just want to be sure.

 

I think everyone has been pretty clear about what they think regarding this man's behaviour/humour and they don't think it's funny.

 

You have suspicions and everyone here has agreed that you are right to be suspicious. I think it's worth considering how far he has to take this before you decide that enough is enough. That boundary has already been crossed for everyone else on this thread.

 

Please don't wait until you marry him and have children together. You really do deserve better. Even internet strangers can tell you that and we have no vested interest in your happiness. Yet he does, and he's treating you poorly.

[Taramere]

I was wondering this too....that could have alot to do with his actions.

 

Yes. The guy sounds like he has quite strongly sadistic tendencies. If he's prone to taking substances that reduce his controls and inhibitions, then that's really not a combination to be around.

 

I just want to get clarification and make sure that there isn't any possibility that maybe he's just really got a weird brand of humor.

 

It's perfectly possible that he

a) has a weird sense of humour, and

b) has an anger management problem

c) gets off on the idea of hurting you.

 

Having a weird sense of humour does not magically prevent a person from being violent, so don't be lulled into a false sense of security by the notion of this being his individual brand of humour. No doubt it is....but whether he breaks your bones in anger, or because he finds it amusing to cause you pain and trauma, the pain of the broken bone will be the same.

[Kali91]

It might SOUND like abuse... But his demeanor and everything else just doesn't make me feel... abused. The only time I ever really feel creeped out is when he puts his hand around my neck.

 

He's.... 36. We started talking maybe a month after I turned 18. And started dating around when I turned 19. So we've been together for about a year (I'll be 20 in Dec). My mother lives in a condo complex and he lives in the complex. He can fix anything, and he's worked on our car and other things. He says he remembers coming over and seeing me. He once mentioned thinking how pretty I was when he came over to fix something. He said I was playing a videogame on the computer and he tried to talk to me but I didn't pay him any mind. I thought it was a tad weird because I played that computer game when I was like... 14.

 

My family doesn't even know we're together. I live with him, so of course they have suspicions. My mother asks every now and then. His family knows. I've met his cousins and mother. I was there when one of his cousin's came from Belize to give birth... He used to talk about how he'd tell my mother, but then that stopped. I just don't see how he talks about being with me forever, yet can't even man up and tell my family we're a couple..

 

I was smoking weed. And legally in California, mind you. He doesn't smoke. And he's always buying weed for me... Which I think is weird... I haven't even been smoking lately because I've been feeling like his little drugged up pot head. That sounds ugly to say but when he smiles and goes "got you nice and high" that's what I feel like.. I didn't smoke as much before he started... Bringing weed to me. But when we went to the beach it was his idea to roll up a joint and smoke on the beach... I don't really like the thought of smoking because he wants me to... Especially when he's not even smoking it! It's kind of weird. Ya know? Now that I've typed and read this I feel like I should go take a drug test or something... And I'm not really a "recreational smoker"... I'm bi-polar and I like smoking when I feel overwhelmed by an emotion,be it too happy, too sad, too mad... It just chills me out.

 

Sometimes I have bad days where I'm just sad. Or frustrated for no reason. He'll ask me why, and I'll tell him that I just get moody for no reason. He's always seemed to think that bi polar was just fluff and bs... But they other day when the Harley Davidson conversation blew up, he all of a sudden threw that in my face. He told me that I was very bi polar and that he has to put up with a lot. He told me that my mother told him she didn't know how he put up with me. I was so mad that he had the audacity to tell me I was very bi polar when he's usually acting like he doesn't believe in it. I just recently started taking a medicine (Lamictal) that I've been prescribed but didn't want to take... He started cracking jokes, asking if I've taken my pill. Or saying "maybe you really do need those pills." I felt like slapping him. I was boiling!

Edited November 4, 2011 by Kali91

[Taramere]

It might SOUND like abuse... But his demeanor and everything else just doesn't make me feel... abused. The only time I ever really feel creeped out is when he puts his hand around my neck.

 

Well, it certainly ticks a whole lot of "this is abuse" boxes.

 

He's.... 36. We started talking maybe a month after I turned 18. And started dating around when I turned 19. So we've been together for about a year (I'll be 20 in Dec).... He once mentioned thinking how pretty I was when he came over to fix something. He said I was playing a videogame on the computer and he tried to talk to me but I didn't pay him any mind. I thought it was a tad weird because I played that computer game when I was like... 14.

 

He's not a nice guy, Kali. He's an out and out creep who is taking advantage of a young girl who has mental health problems (you've mentioned being bi-polar) and abuse in her history. I don't need to meet him to know that. Nobody here does. You're blinded to it precisely because you do know him - and emotions have clouded your judgement.

 

I was smoking weed. And legally in California, mind you. He doesn't smoke. And he's always buying weed for me... Which I think is weird...

 

I think there's a perfectly logical explanation for it....

 

he smiles and goes "got you nice and high" that's what I feel like.. I didn't smoke as much before he started... Bringing weed to me.

 

...and there it is. Get you nice and high. Bring on a little of that paranoia dope causes, because that makes it all the more easy and fun to freak you out.

 

Kali, this guy is a sad and creepy f*cker. He wants to control and freak somebody out without copping consequences...so he picks on a pretty, unstable 19 year old who doesn't have the confidence to lay down boundaries or call him on his sh*t.

 

Sometimes I have bad days where I'm just sad. Or frustrated for no reason. He'll ask me why, and I'll tell him that I just get moody for no reason. He's always seemed to think that bi polar was just fluff and bs... But they other day when the Harley Davidson conversation blew up, he all of a sudden threw that in my face. He told me that I was very bi polar and that he has to put up with a lot. He told me that my mother told him she didn't know how he put up with me. I was so mad that he had the audacity to tell me I was very bi polar when he's usually acting like he doesn't believe in it. I just recently started taking a medicine (Lamictal) that I've been prescribed but didn't want to take... He started cracking jokes, asking if I've taken my pill. Or saying "maybe you really do need those pills." I felt like slapping him. I was boiling!

 

I bet he's very happy with the fact that you've been diagnosed as having bi-polar disorder. It means he can reduce you to a walking condition.

 

After everything you've poured out on here, are you still thinking this is a sweet and kind man?

[ShannonMI]

Jesus, my fatherly instincts are on overdrive here ...

 

Kali, tell your dad and/or brothers what you've told us. Ask them what they think about it.

Her dad and bros would most likely kick the sh*t out of this guy. I agree, tell your family.

[Kali91]

Her dad and bros would most likely kick the sh*t out of this guy. I agree, tell your family.

 

I don't think I could tell anybody these things. I'm here for the anonymity... After seeing my father cry about the rape.... I know this would disturb him. Nobody else needs to be perturbed by this. So far it's nothing but words. Don't want to get anybody worried. Thanks for replying, both of you..

[dasein]

I don't know about involving the family at this point, what are the grounds? That he grabbed her neck or bought her weed that she enjoys smoking? If there is ass-kicking, that can open whole other cans of worms.

 

OP, he's never going to be good for you, and IMO the roughhousing is not some fun play wrestling, but an indicator that things will get real if he becomes angry, only a matter of time. The bottom line is that normal guys absolutely don't do the kinds of things you are talking about, which seems to be what you wanted to ask in posting.

 

Yeah, it's easier said than done to get out, but don't rationalize, if you really want to you can do it. If you don't then you don't, don't attribute it to some mystical hold he has on you that you are powerless to resist, that's commonly heard BS. You have to make choices and take action in life, not just sit and wait for things to happen to you. Good luck.

[ShannonMI]

I don't think I could tell anybody these things. I'm here for the anonymity... After seeing my father cry about the rape.... I know this would disturb him. Nobody else needs to be perturbed by this. So far it's nothing but words. Don't want to get anybody worried. Thanks for replying, both of you..

So if you know it would disturb your father, then why are you staying with this guy?

 

And yes so far it's only words. Next will be fists