My boyfriend jokes about hitting me?

[Taramere]

I was in school. But after everything I went through the semester before, there was just a damper on my college experience. And I'm not putting blame on him, but he was a big help in persuading me to leave, and I did. I told him I couldn't just leave and go back home, so he suggested I stay with him. And that's what I'm doing now. I miss school... I miss hanging out... I even miss working at Church's chicken.

 

Okay. Let's imagine for a moment that he really is a genuine person who has your best interests at heart. I mean, I find it quite impossible in light of everything you've said....but let's just give him the benefit of the doubt for 5 minutes.

 

Does it really make any difference if he has your best interests at heart? Is this man an emotionally mature and stable adult who is capable of figuring out what your best interests are? I think you already know the answer to that....but to clarify matters, if you were to have a child with him and tha child were a daughter, what kind of father would he make? Would you want to leave her alone with him overnight once she hit, say, fourteen?

 

 

But I can't really blame him for that. I'm thinking he had my best interest in mind.

 

Again, even if it were true that he had your best interests (rather than his own predatory ones) at heart, it wouldn't matter...because this is not a guy who has his sh*t sufficiently together to look after your interests.

 

He told his mother that I was raped, which upset me... He told me he asked his mother how mine could let me go back to school after something so awful happened. But the rape didn't even happen at school. It was a friend I made who lived in the area.. Though he was known around the school... (It was a tiny private college.) Him saying something like that made me defensive for my mother. I thought the comment was out of line.

 

Well of course it is. Do you spend the rest of your life closeted away out of sight? You can't. You've got a life to live.

 

If you could do anything you wanted, without fear of consequences, what would your next step be?

 

Exploit on a commercial basis? I don't understand. Elaborate please and thanks?

 

Well, I don't know you and I don't know your bf...but I do know this situation. Not personally, but from people I've helped in the past. I was once a social worker, and then I switched to law. In both professions I've encountered girls who had left a situation much like the one you're in...and who were struggling. Part of what they dealt with, with these older guys, was that the guys wanted to use them to make money. By, to put it bluntly, getting them involved in prostitution. Two things you've said raise that prospect for me. Actually three things.

 

1. The age difference

2. That he's giving you drugs (even though he doesn't use them himself)

3. That he wants you to have sex with another man.

Edited November 5, 2011 by Taramere

[Kali91]

Getting a woman attracted to me for any reason, would be a great change of pace.

 

So then you think your situation is not one of the things that are wrong with the world.

 

If one of your friends told you word for word what you said in your first post, what would you think?

 

I think you misread or didn't understand what I said.

 

I'd tell her he was bad news. But how would you, Somedude81, describe to somebody else the comfort of a pair of smelly worn sneakers that fit your feet so perfectly? And everybody tells you to throw them away. But they're your favorite pair.

[somedude81]

I think you misread or didn't understand what I said.

 

I'd tell her he was bad news. But how would you, Somedude81, describe to somebody else the comfort of a pair of smelly worn sneakers that fit your feet so perfectly? And everybody tells you to throw them away. But they're your favorite pair.

You said it yourself.

 

Why are you trying to sugarcoat things?

[Kali91]

He's obviously some sort of biker a-hole and she's some sort of ghetto trash so he's probably the best she can do.

 

Apparently not so obvious, because you got that all wrong.

 

Well for one thing I've never had an old pair of smelly sneakers try to strangle me on a regular basis.

 

Are you getting yourself off with this nasty attitude? This will be my first and last response to you. You'd be right along with my bf on things to stay away from in a dude. These sound like jokes he would make.

[D-Lish]

Are you getting yourself off with this nasty attitude? This will be my first and last response to you. You'd be right along with my bf on things to stay away from in a dude. These sound like jokes he would make.

 

Yet you can't stay away from your boyfriend.... Your response doesn't make sense.

[ffw]

 

I don't give a crap if you respond to me or not. If you stay with this idiot much longer he will put you in the hospital or more likely in your grave. So it doesn't really matter what you think about me, does it?

 

 

The difference is your bf will kill you if you point that out to him. You know that, which is why you don't

 

Don't come on here, one day, after he has taken his fist to you. Don't let it get that far.

 

Folks, remember this a public forum. There is no need to personal attack or verbal abuse someone if they don't agree with ur opinion. End of the day, its upto the OP to decide. We are just here to give our opinion from our perspective.

[D-Lish]

Folks, remember this a public forum. There is no need to personal attack or verbal abuse someone if they don't agree with ur opinion. End of the day, its upto the OP to decide. We are just here to give our opinion from our perspective.

 

I think QW is more upset that ANY person- woman or man, would allow themself to be treated in the manner that the OP describes.

 

I don't see it as a personal attack, I see it more as treating a glaringly abusive relationship in the making with some tough love.

 

This relationship is toxic, and the Op is complaining about it one moment, then defending it the next.

[fortyninethousand322]

You do not want a woman who's attracted to emotionally abusive or emotionally unavailable men (the most common type of unhealthy dynamic that I know of), as they're emotionally unhealthy themselves (at the time, anyway) and would not be good relationship partners.

 

That's like saying to a starving child that he doesn't want the last slice of pizza because it's cold and someone took a bite out of it.

 

When you got nothing, sometimes you have to take what's available.

[Star Gazer]

This relationship is toxic, and the Op is complaining about it one moment, then defending it the next.

 

Isn't that the typical cycle of abuse?

[ffw]

This relationship is toxic, and the Op is complaining about it one moment, then defending it the next.

 

Yes, it is toxic. No doubt about it. No, OP is giving both negative & postive perspective of her relationship.

[D-Lish]

Isn't that the typical cycle of abuse?

 

Yes, and I think for some that don't "get" the cycle, they will tend toward "WTF are you thinking" responses.

 

There are those that can break the pattern of poor choices, and those that never will. It's more frustrating to deal with the "those that never will"- as some of us longer term members on LS have witnessed.

 

Yes, it is toxic. No doubt about it. No, OP is giving both negative & postive perspective of her relationship.

 

The OP isn't accepting of her situation. She's complained, asked for advice, gotten some good advice, and defended her situation. Makes it confusing for people to chime in and help.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Kali -

 

You are already in an abusive relationship. Lets run through a list of things you’ve talked about regarding this relationship. Think about a woman in your life you care about. Think about a man treating her the way your boyfriend is treating you. Would this be right to you? Would you not be concerned for them?

 

Lets look at the information you've given and I'm going to try to be clear as possible in response.

 

1. My bf constantly makes jokes about hurting me. Slapping me, losing teeth, bloody noses, eyes swollen shut.

It is not normal to joke about your girlfriend being bloody and

losing teeth.

 

2. He's always sizing me up and saying how small, weak and fragile I am, calling this cute. And how I'm the weak woman and he's the strong man. How easy it would be for him to break a bone or knock me out.

It is not normal when a man talks about how “easy” it is to break a

woman's bones and knock her out.

 

3. He makes up stories and puts us in these weird scenarios. Like me waking up in the hospital and not remember anything except for the silhouette of his fist.

This is not a weird story. This is a horror story. It is a sick story. He is

sick in the head to even fantasize about you going to the hospital and only

remembering his fist. This is without a question the behavior of an

unhealthy man.

 

4. Me telling my friends that what doesn't hurt me makes me stronger. How people think he's such a good dude...

He is grooming you. People don't say " what doesn't hurt you only makes

you stronger in a discussion about you being abused and put into a

hospital.

 

5. Sometimes when we're walking he'll grab hold of my neck.... This usually only happens when we're walking from the car to apt, where nobody can see.

Kali, I believe you see the wrongness in this since you are astitue enough

to realize that he does these things when no one is around. Grabbing your

neck and holding on is not normal behavior. A boyfriend messaging the b

back of your neck is normal, grabbing and squeezing it isn't.

 

6. We were walking to the car from the beach last night and a group of people were walking by. He was holding me by the neck and as we got closer I tried to remove his grip, but he wouldn't let go. He smiled and asked if I was scared they'd think he beat me.

Normal men do not make jokes about beating their gfs. Normal men do

not hold onto the back of your neck and hang on desipte the discomfort of

their gfs. Normal men do not engage in this kind of behavior.

 

7. ...he totally knocked me down a few notches.

That is what abusers do. He is an abuser.

 

8. he was hurting my neck.

That is what abusers do. He is an abuser.

 

9. Though he woke up today the same old him, talking about kicking my butt.

He is an abuser.

 

10. Just a few minutes ago he was looking for something and I told him where it was. His response: "See, you are good for something"

He just verbally abused you. When you health a healthy man find

something, they say "thanks babe". They do not make it a point to

insinuate that the only thing you are good for is finding things. This is not

only abusive but degrading.

 

11. He talks about how he manipulates people to get what he wants...After the neck thing last night I'm thinking maybe I should pay more attention to these types of comments.

You need to pay close attention to them. He is proud of his abusive and

manipulative behavior. You are smart enough to recongnize what he is

doing. You need to be strong enough to leave him. You are worth much

more then this. You deserve to have a man treat you right.

 

12. He said I was trying to prove him wrong, and that I should just listen to him... That he knew these types of things...We can't just talk about silly things unless I feel like holding my tongue and just nodding at everything he says.

Do you want to live the rest of your life holding your tongue over silly

things like light conversations about bikes? Think hard about this Kali.

Think very hard. That dynamic is not going to stop there. He will carry

that into other silly and more important discussions.

 

After all that you said:

...he's the sweetest. He really is. I just only mentioned the bad and ugly. I'm only 19, but I've had my share of bad relationships and aside from the joking, he's great.

 

No. He is not the sweetest. Sweet men do not joke about their gfs becoming bloody and broken and ending up in the hospital with an imprint of their bf's fists to remember. Sweet men do not tell you "see, you are good for something". Sweet men do not get upset if you disagree with them. Sweet men do not grab your neck and hold on when you are uncomfortable. No Kali. He is not sweet and I think you realize that enough to make this post.

 

I know from what I've said you wouldn't believe it, but he does respect me.. He does so much for me.

 

It doesn't matter if he buys you diamonds every week. He does not respect you. Men that respect you do not do the things you talked about in your beginning post. You are smart enough to know that's the case because you feel the wrongness in it.

 

But what about him asking if I liked his stories? That made me think maybe this is some kink that I'm just not into... It's all so casual and playful... Maybe I should take it for face value.

 

Start a post asking other men if they have a "kinky" fantasy about leaving their gfs bloddy.

 

He's been hanging with these two dudes lately who I don't like. And I've told him. He agrees that they're kind of ick... But he seems to be hanging out with them more and more.

 

Always pay attention to a man's friends. A man surrounds himself with the kind of person he is.

 

It might SOUND like abuse... But his demeanor and everything else just doesn't make me feel... abused. The only time I ever really feel creeped out is when he puts his hand around my neck.

 

Liar. You posted the things you posted because it doesn't feel right to you. You know in your gut something is wrong. And it's more then just a hand on your neck. You are in very real danger of ending up dead with your body tossed into the woods. You think I am over stating this? I am not. Jeffery Dahmer was a serial killer known for his charm and pleasant face.

 

He said I was playing a videogame on the computer and he tried to talk to me but I didn't pay him any mind. I thought it was a tad weird because I played that computer game when I was like... 14.

 

So he perved on you when you were 14. Why are you with this guy?

 

. I felt like slapping him. I was boiling!.....I like the way he treats me. The way he he makes me feel.

 

But unfortunately I've already invested so much of myself into him and this relationship.

 

Do you know what's worse then spending 1 year with an abusive person. Spending 1 year and 1 day with them. it's okay to invest things of yourself into a person and time. And it's okay to leave a relationships with those investments if it's healthier for you to do so.

 

And I'm not putting blame on him, but he was a big help in persuading me to leave, and I did. I told him I couldn't just leave and go back home, so he suggested I stay with him. And that's what I'm doing now. I miss school... I miss hanging out... I even miss working at Church's chicken. But I can't really blame him for that. I'm thinking he had my best interest in mind.

 

Men that have your best interest in mind do not persuade you to leave school.

 

Kali, you are in an abusive relationship. You need to get out now. There is a very real possibility you could end up severely hurt or even dead. This stuff happens everyday. If you can not go to your family, which I suggest you go to first, find a support group of women for abusive relatoinships. If you don't think you are in an abusive relationships then talk to these women to hear their stories then decide for yourself if your relationships is abusive or not.

 

You wrote this post because something is telling you that things aren't right. Trust your gut here. Trust the signs. These aren't just red flags. These are flashing red billboards.

[Kali91]

Yet you can't stay away from your boyfriend.... Your response doesn't make sense.

 

There is a difference between something not making sense and something being illogical. Doesn't me being here questioning all of these things say that I am recognizing that something is off?

 

There is a constructive way to put criticism...

[Star Gazer]

Kali, what's your relationship like with your father?

[fallenenvy]

Kali......

 

This really not only makes me horribly sad but scared for you. Looking at what you've been writing.. saying bad things then defending him...

 

I was in a bad relationship once. It started as just words with him to. him tearing down my self confidence.. separated me from my family and all my friends.. day by day until one day....

 

He took a swing at me.

 

then another and another... next thing i knew i was black and blue all the time. He sliced me with my own box cutter for work.. he strangled me unconscious.. he forced me to have sex when i didn't want to.. the list goes on and on.

 

Sure he'd always apologize and do nice things for me and "make it all better".. then his hands would be around my neck.

 

I know back in an earlier post you talked about how everyone says get out and its not that easy.... I GET THAT. I was with him for almost a year.. before something made me snap and get out.

 

The good thing is you are questioning this meaning you KNOW something isn't right... or else.. you wouldn't be here on LS asking us.

You said you miss hanging out.. etc. You need to find something that makes you leave.. and stay gone. Go back to your family perhaps.. you mentioned your mom moving and how that could be a fresh start. Thats what did it for me.. i moved.. i was 70 miles away from the bastard... not a lot.. but far enough for me to feel safe and far enough to end it. I felt like **** for awhile then one day i realized what i had saved myself and missing him turned to loathing him.. and i will NEVER confuse the 2 again.

 

Although it may take awhile for you to realize leaving is the right thing to do...I REALLY hope you do it before you turn into me.

 

You can do better... even being alone is better than someone that threatens you and tears you down.. it isn't normal.. it isn't right.. and EVERYONE deserves better.

[Taramere]

Kali, I do feel for you and I think you need some kind of support network...but I worry that posting on LS about this might not be helpful for your particular situation. And certainly not in this particular section.

 

There are certain themes that constantly crop up in this dating section ("nice guys finish last" women like *******s") and I think a few people on here are so preoccupied with those themes that it's hard for them to see past them and respond to a situation like yours with the thought and care it deserves.

 

My feeling, from your post, is that this thread was a kind of testing out of the waters. The beginning of you exploring the possibility of talking to people, getting help and starting that process of detaching from a guy who, despite your emotional attachment to him, you know you need to separate yourself from. Particularly as he is giving you clear signs that he's likely to step his abusive behaviour up to the next level. But you also need to build up a support network and have some kind of concrete plan.

 

Have you considered approaching a resource that offers some kind of counselling? Perhaps there's a family centre or community centre in your area that you could go to as a first step to finding out what help there is out there..Start to build up a nework of support - which, as well as being helpful emotionally, might help you to figure out where you want to go from here. Whether it's a case of getting back into school, and getting help with that, or finding yourself some work and your own accommodation.

[smudge21]

I've learnt the hard way that you can only ever help those that truly want to be helped. This girl has come here with a few concerns, but it's clear from all the "yeah, but..." responses she gives that she's never ever going to leave this scum, not until he's put her in hospital for the third or forth time at least.

 

We can continue to offer advice and tell her to get out, but I think we all recognise the signs and know that our help is falling on deaf ears. I hate seeing things like this and have seen it many times in my life, from my first love to a girl I know now 20 years later who also refuses to see the truth.

 

I hope you will get out before it's too late Kali, but I fear he's already got you to the point where you're more scared to leave him then you are to be with him. That's not love by the way. He doesn't love, care or respect you. And he never will.

 

Good luck, I feel you're going to need it.

[oaks]

Since as of now it's just words and I can only assume it's his weird sense of humor, I just feel like there really isn't much to say..

 

It's like telling the police you've been robbed when nothing is missing.

 

Well, it isn't just words. What about when he had his hands round your neck? Plus whatever else you haven't told us about. And even to the extent that it is 'just words', they aren't really nice words, so why would you want to put up with that treatment?

 

You feel concerned enough to have come here to ask for opinions. Think about what prompted you to do that.

[Taramere]

I've learnt the hard way that you can only ever help those that truly want to be helped. This girl has come here with a few concerns, but it's clear from all the "yeah, but..." responses she gives that she's never ever going to leave this scum, not until he's put her in hospital for the third or forth time at least.

 

We can continue to offer advice and tell her to get out, but I think we all recognise the signs and know that our help is falling on deaf ears. I hate seeing things like this and have seen it many times in my life, from my first love to a girl I know now 20 years later who also refuses to see the truth.

 

She started this thread yesterday, and it doesn't sound as though she's at imminent risk of being put in hospital. Longer term, I'd be less sure. This sounds more like a relationship that, over time, is becoming increasingly abusive...in a gradual, step by step way.

 

It is, of course, up to Kali what she does. I'd be concerned if she stays with the guy....but the concerns and frustrations of people giving advice on here are secondary.

 

If Kali does choose to detach herself from this guy, I hope that it will be because she recognises that she's placing herself at risk in this relationship and because she's ready to find something better for herself. It shouldn't be because she's afraid about worrying other people, or because strangers on a message board are frustrated that she isn't following their advice 5 minutes after they dispensed it.

 

That would simply be another example of her just reacting to other people's control issues, frustrations and needs (to have their advice validated and followed). Hopefully at some point she will put what other people think she should do and want her to do to one side and start to take a bit of control over her own destiny. If she's not ready to do that then she's not ready. People trying to panic her into being ready will probably just result in paralysis and further inaction.

[betterdeal]

Have you told him you don't like it when he jokes about hitting you and you'd like him to stop doing that? It's up to your judgement as to whether or not that will be good to do, but sometimes the simple things can have a major effect. Even if he doesn't stop right away, you will probably feel a little relieved to have expressed yourself, and he may change his behaviour slowly as it sinks in.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

You talk to boyfriends about how you don't like it when they leave their dirty laundry on the floor. You shouldn't even have to talk to boyfriends about how you don't like jokes about them hitting you. this man isn't going to change with a few comments from her about how she feels.

 

Hey Guys..I think we could use a few more of you expressing what normal boyfriends do and don't do.

[freestyle]

Kali--

 

I agree with Taramere, you may better served by finding a forum geared towards dealing with abuse.

 

The fact that you're going back and forth between defending your bf, and being afraid of him---is actually common, based on what I've read, and witnessed, IRL. So please don't think there's something wrong with you for going back & forth---it's a normal symptom of being exposed to ambient abuse, and/or intermittent abuse.

 

Intermittent abuse---abuse interspersed with periods of loving behavior in between, can actually be more emotionally damaging than blatant physical abuse in the long run.

 

Intermittent abuse keeps you hooked in longer. You can get lulled into a false belief that an episode of abuse was an isolated incident. The more time passes, the more you begin to minimize it.......

"It wasn't THAT bad...etc."

And then again, out of the blue, BAM! It happens again. And again.And again............etc.

 

The longer you stay, the more your self-esteem can become eroded, which can make it that much harder to find the strength to leave.

 

A man who talks about abusing you, is being abusive. It's an "invisible fist", an implied threat. "Do as I say---or else!"

 

 

it might be helpful to you to do some reading on traumatic bonding and how it relates to emotional abuse and domestic violence.I'd also recommend reading up on ambient abuse...........

 

At the end of the day, it's YOUR decision to make, regarding how you want to be treated..........like the previous poster mentioned you can control your own destiny. You can empower yourself.

[betterdeal]

You talk to boyfriends about how you don't like it when they leave their dirty laundry on the floor. You shouldn't even have to talk to boyfriends about how you don't like jokes about them hitting you. this man isn't going to change with a few comments from her about how she feels.

 

If there was one word to be described as the most useless in the English language, it's "should". You'll be surprised at what some people think or don't think. He may think he is making a joke. He may not think, this is hurting the person I love.

 

I'm also impressed with your seemingly preternatural ability to predict what he will or won't do. What's that based on? A few posts by her on this thread?

[Taramere]

cut the crap. you disrespected somedude81. you are drawn to violent guys and disrespect good guys. the logical thing is drop this pos and date someone more like somedude. oh thats right, you are drawn to violent guys even though theres a zillion good guys who are alone and know how to treat a gal right. you must go for the violent guy for some bonheaded reason. the saddest part is that you aren't an isolated case. you're doing everything wrong and rejecting everybody's advice. youve turned good guys down. turn this jackal down.

 

There certainly have been a few good guys on this thread. They would be the ones on this thread who have addressed Kali's problem from the perspective of mature, kind and concerned adults. People who, if they do have any dating issues of their own, have managed to leave them to one side in order to try to respond to Kali in a kind and courteous manner.

 

I wouldn't say that anybody who takes a thread like this and uses it to vent their own frustrations in a manner that is contemptuous towards the OP and dismissive of the problem she has expressed is a "good guy". I would say somebody who does that is showing more in common with the kind of self involved individual she's currently hooked up with.

[carhill]

OP, my sympathies. You sound a lot like my first MW, whom I met when she was 22. I would meet her father for the first time many years later and understood better why she gravitated towards men like she did and why I was, although a nice receptacle for her pain, completely incompatible. I hope you can resolve this before it becomes a part of who you are. The lady in my story is now a grandmother and still exhibits the same behaviors and proclivities. A very sad epilogue to someone I once loved a great deal.

 

I recall, much as posters are advising you here, showing the young lady a different path and seeing for the first time the real dichotomy which exists in some people between 'want' and 'attraction'. The attraction to the dark side was far stronger than her want for the light. The flip-flop I'm reading in your posts sounds remarkably like the tear-filled phone calls I used to take in the middle of the night.

 

It's up to you. You have choices.

 

Welcome to LS