My boyfriend jokes about hitting me?

[ffw]

OP, what makes you stay in this relationship? You mentioned only negative things but there must be something that makes you stay with him.

[whichwayisup]

My bf constantly makes jokes about hurting me. Slapping me, losing teeth, bloody noses, eyes swollen shut. He's always sizing me up and saying how small, weak and fragile I am, calling this cute. And how I'm the weak woman and he's the strong man. How easy it would be for him to break a bone or knock me out. He makes up stories and puts us in these weird scenarios. Like me waking up in the hospital and not remember anything except for the silhouette of his fist. Me telling my friends that what doesn't hurt me makes me stronger. How people think he's such a good dude and would never suspect he'd do such a thing. He's always saying things like "I really don't want to have to hurt nobody today." Balling his fist...

 

Sometimes when we're walking he'll grab hold of my neck.... This usually only happens when we're walking from the car to apt, where nobody can see. We were walking to the car from the beach last night and a group of people were walking by. He was holding me by the neck and as we got closer I tried to remove his grip, but he wouldn't let go. He smiled and asked if I was scared they'd think he beat me. I wasn't sure if he was joking or not, but I was high and he totally knocked me down a few notches. I was just confused, and he was hurting my neck. I don't know what happened, but he suddenly let go and looked at me funny. "What's wrong, you don't want me holding you?" Maybe I was high and being paranoid, but that's not something I normally do. It just didn't feel right. I just kept pulling away and telling him to let go. He apologized sarcastically later. "Sorry if I shook you up, a man shouldn't scare or slap his woman around. You're so cute." Then he proceeded to talking about how he wouldn't want to have to hurt me because I was too cute... I told him he was a storyteller. He asked if I liked his stories... I asked if he was kidding and he said nevermind. I asked him later on what he meant by it and he said "whatever I said, I was just joking." And that was the end of that.

Though he woke up today the same old him, talking about kicking my butt.

 

Just a few minutes ago he was looking for something and I told him where it was. His response: "See, you are good for something"

 

He talks about how he manipulates people to get what he wants... After the neck thing last night I'm thinking maybe I should pay more attention to these types of comments.

 

He always turns casual conversations into argument. For example the other day we were in traffic and a dude on a Harley was in the lane next to us. My bf asked if his bike looked new. I'm thinking we're just engaging in insignificant chatter. I told him the bike looked new, but considering the fact the he had on a bikers' jacket, it probably wasn't. He just took care of his bike. My boyfriend agreed. Then I just decided to change it up. I said maybe it was a new bike. That since he's in a biking club, he's probably been riding forever, and that Harley probably wasn't his first bike. It turned into a huge argument. He said I was trying to prove him wrong, and that I should just listen to him... That he knew these types of things. I didn't know it was that serious. I thought we were just talking. He hates being wrong. We can't just talk about silly things unless I feel like holding my tongue and just nodding at everything he says.

 

Does this sound red flag? Am I overanalyzing?

 

Dump this loser. There are a MILLION red flags. Run, don't walk!

[Kali91]

OP, what makes you stay in this relationship? You mentioned only negative things but there must be something that makes you stay with him.

 

I like the way he treats me. The way he he makes me feel. He's my best friend. He's always there for me when I'm going through something. Like the rape. When I was having a panic attack, he'd always be there to assure me that I wasn't really dying and that I could indeed breathe. When my mother and I would get into it over her disrespectful boyfriend (who she finally broke up with) he was somebody I could vent to when I felt like my mother wasn't there. He likes to cook for me. He goes out of his way to do things for me. For example, he managed to find my favorite parfume that isn't sold in stores anymore and bought 5 bottles. He's just always thinking about me, and it's nice to have that.. He tells me everything and I've given him so much of my trust...

 

But now that I think about it, he's kind of all I have now. The other day he made a comment about my mother that kind of bothered me. It sounded like something my father (ex husband) would say... One of the things that a divorced parent will say to kind of sway the child to have sour feelings towards their other parent. He'll talk about how she's unstable in the way that she let her boyfriend be so inappropriate. I kind of agree... I felt the way before he said it. I don't remember the last time I hung out with a friend. I don't even have their numbers anymore. Since I left school and moved in with him, the weird friends I mentioned in my first post are the only people I've hung around. He's like my only friend. When I was away at college, he'd ask every single day if any dudes tried to talk to me. We'd laugh about cheesy pick up lines, or he'd turn a comment I wouldn't normally suspect into a dude's scheme to get into my pants... He totally changed my outlook on dudes. He's always talking about how dude's really just want sex... Except for him..

 

He's told me that he feels people who are in love should have no desire to have sex with other people... But then he's asked if I'd consider a threesome with another guy. Is that supposed to be a trick question or something? And he says he wouldn't want another girl because it's supposed to be about me. If I were interested in having a threesome with my bf and somebody else, I'd think that it was about US all being pleasured. Him talking about me being tied up and blind folded having sex with him and some mysterious friend of his sounds more like them "running a train" Don't you think? And if it's all about me, why is he suggestion blind folds and handcuffs instead of asking what I'm into? Or is he really just thinking about pleasuring me? Anyways, that won't be happening so I guess it doesn't matter... But it still has me wondering what his intentions are. I feel wrong for thinking about him under a light that doesn't compliment him. I guess maybe even if I am wrong about all of these things, maybe I need to separate myself from him to think out my feelings.

[Star Gazer]

This thread is actually upsetting me.

 

He has you totally emotionally isolated and feeling like he's all you have and that he's "special." No wonder you can't let go.

 

But G-d, I'm praying you do.

[Kali91]

So if you know it would disturb your father, then why are you staying with this guy?

 

Since as of now it's just words and I can only assume it's his weird sense of humor, I just feel like there really isn't much to say..

 

It's like telling the police you've been robbed when nothing is missing.

[Star Gazer]

Since as of now it's just words and I can only assume it's his weird sense of humor, I just feel like there really isn't much to say..

 

It's like telling the police you've been robbed when nothing is missing.

 

He is stealing little bits of your confidence and soul, little by little.

[somedude81]

What the hell?

 

I can't get any women to give a damn about me when I'm trying my hardest to be a great guy and then here's this little girl who's so in love with her assh*ole boyfriend that she can't see how he's always verbally and mentally abusing her, while she eats it up.

 

What the fu*k is wrong with this world?

[ShannonMI]

What the hell?

 

I can't get any women to give a damn about me when I'm trying my hardest to be a great guy and then here's this little girl who's so in love with her assh*ole boyfriend that she can't see how he's always verbally and mentally abusing her, while she eats it up.

 

What the fu*k is wrong with this world?

The world sucks

[Star Gazer]

Sumdude: Emotionally wounded people are often drawn to the very type of thing that wounded them in the first place.

 

Kali was emotionally weakened by her rape, and now her BF is raping her...just emotionally.

[somedude81]

Sumdude: Emotionally wounded people are often drawn to the very type of thing that wounded them in the first place.

 

Kali was emotionally weakened by her rape, and now her BF is raping her...just emotionally.

Does that mean I have to try and become that type of man?

 

Despite all the anger I have in me, I just cant bring my self to be mean to women. Maybe that's why I haven't gotten anywhere?

Edited November 4, 2011 by somedude81

[Taramere]

He's told me that he feels people who are in love should have no desire to have sex with other people... But then he's asked if I'd consider a threesome with another guy. Is that supposed to be a trick question or something? And he says he wouldn't want another girl because it's supposed to be about me. If I were interested in having a threesome with my bf and somebody else, I'd think that it was about US all being pleasured. Him talking about me being tied up and blind folded having sex with him and some mysterious friend of his sounds more like them "running a train" Don't you think?

 

I think it sounds like a possible porn film being made with neither your knowledge nor your consent.

 

Okay. Right now you feel as if he's all you have, and perhaps realistically he is all you have. However, you are 19 years old. You've got a lot of people to meet in your life. People who will become close friends - some leaving your life, some staying in it, some coming and going. Which is pretty much the same as most people out there have.

 

As long as your with this guy, you're postponing the time when you'll meet all these great people who can enrich your life and introduce you to some sanity, balance and genuine happiness. People your own age. Not some guy who's almost twice your age and is leeching away at your youth and innocence like Countess Bathory.

 

You said "when I was away at college". Aren't you at college now? If he were to be removed from the equation, what do you think you would want to do with your lfie?

[Kali91]

What the hell?

 

I can't get any women to give a damn about me when I'm trying my hardest to be a great guy and then here's this little girl who's so in love with her assh*ole boyfriend that she can't see how he's always verbally and mentally abusing her, while she eats it up.

 

What the fu*k is wrong with this world?

 

There are a lot of things wrong with this world. And I doubt they're as simple as the haphazard sentence you've used to describe my situation. With all due respect.

[Star Gazer]

Does that mean I have to try and become that type of man?

 

Despite all the anger I have in me, I just cant bring my self to be mean to women. Maybe that's what I haven't gotten anywhere?

 

You do not want a woman who's attracted to emotionally abusive or emotionally unavailable men (the most common type of unhealthy dynamic that I know of), as they're emotionally unhealthy themselves (at the time, anyway) and would not be good relationship partners.

[eerie_reverie]

What a sad thread. I hope you are able to escape this before all your youth and self esteem are gone.

[Kali91]

I think it sounds like a possible porn film being made with neither your knowledge nor your consent.

 

Okay. Right now you feel as if he's all you have, and perhaps realistically he is all you have. However, you are 19 years old. You've got a lot of people to meet in your life. People who will become close friends - some leaving your life, some staying in it, some coming and going. Which is pretty much the same as most people out there have.

 

As long as your with this guy, you're postponing the time when you'll meet all these great people who can enrich your life and introduce you to some sanity, balance and genuine happiness. People your own age. Not some guy who's almost twice your age and is leeching away at your youth and innocence like Countess Bathory.

 

You said "when I was away at college". Aren't you at college now? If he were to be removed from the equation, what do you think you would want to do with your lfie?

 

I definitely feel like I'd be a different person without him. I've thought about that a lot... He's at a point where he's possibly ready to settle down... Think about marriage and things like that. For all I really know I just might be a lesbian! But unfortunately I've already invested so much of myself into him and this relationship. We're just not on the same speed. Not at the same places in our lives. But we just fell into place... Or maybe I fell into place like he wanted me to.. I don't know, I don't know..

[Star Gazer]

What a sad thread. I hope you are able to escape this before all your youth and self esteem are gone.

 

Agreed. She's so young and has such a promising future, if she can escape. (Quite the fitting word, I'd say.)

[Star Gazer]

I definitely feel like I'd be a different person without him.

 

Do you think you'd feel more like yourself?

[Kali91]

You said "when I was away at college". Aren't you at college now? If he were to be removed from the equation, what do you think you would want to do with your lfie?

 

I was in school. But after everything I went through the semester before, there was just a damper on my college experience. And I'm not putting blame on him, but he was a big help in persuading me to leave, and I did. I told him I couldn't just leave and go back home, so he suggested I stay with him. And that's what I'm doing now. I miss school... I miss hanging out... I even miss working at Church's chicken. But I can't really blame him for that. I'm thinking he had my best interest in mind. He told his mother that I was raped, which upset me... He told me he asked his mother how mine could let me go back to school after something so awful happened. But the rape didn't even happen at school. It was a friend I made who lived in the area.. Though he was known around the school... (It was a tiny private college.) Him saying something like that made me defensive for my mother. I thought the comment was out of line.

[johan]

My bf constantly makes jokes about hurting me. Slapping me, losing teeth, bloody noses, eyes swollen shut. He's always sizing me up and saying how small, weak and fragile I am, calling this cute. And how I'm the weak woman and he's the strong man. How easy it would be for him to break a bone or knock me out. He makes up stories and puts us in these weird scenarios. Like me waking up in the hospital and not remember anything except for the silhouette of his fist. Me telling my friends that what doesn't hurt me makes me stronger. How people think he's such a good dude and would never suspect he'd do such a thing. He's always saying things like "I really don't want to have to hurt nobody today." Balling

 

...

 

Does this sound red flag? Am I overanalyzing?

 

If you think that him being a dick is a red flag, I would say yes.

 

His jokes are actually threats, because they reflect his values. And also they indicate he has no sense of humor whatsoever.

 

I would hate to see you stay with him for much longer. He actually sounds like a scary person to be around.

[Taramere]

I definitely feel like I'd be a different person without him. I've thought about that a lot... He's at a point where he's possibly ready to settle down... Think about marriage and things like that. For all I really know I just might be a lesbian! But unfortunately I've already invested so much of myself into him and this relationship. We're just not on the same speed. Not at the same places in our lives. But we just fell into place... Or maybe I fell into place like he wanted me to.. I don't know, I don't know..

 

If I were to try to think back to the person I was when I was 19....really, I think I was a completely different person. Not a particularly formed one, but I think that's quite common at 19. Not to have that strong a sense of self, because you're still at a stage where you're figuring a lot of things out.

 

The scary thing for you is that if you do stay with this guy, it's going to be a long long time before you have the slightest clue who you are and what you really want. I can understand that when people are telling you you should get away, it must seem like being told to step out of a space-craft that's whizzing through the universe. It might not be all that great in there, but at least it's familiar.

 

I think from everything you're saying that you've already figured out that this guy is bad for you...but that detaching yourself from him is a frightening prospect. It's something you don't seem able to discuss with family members. You're afraid of worrying people. You're even afraid of worrying complete strangers on this message board. Well...other people getting worried and concerned is not the end of the world. Nobody's going to die from worrying about your situation.

 

I do believe there's a strong risk that this guy could exploit you on a commercial basis as well as on an interpersonal one, and that he could be grooming you for that kind of exploitation. The fact that he's buying you drugs, and that he now wants you to have sex with a strange man while blindfolded and cuffed. He's really not doing anything to merit your trust. Buying you perfume? Big deal. Especially when you consider what he's taking in return. What he's already taken.

 

Do you have any relatives who you would regard as fairly strong and stable? People you could sit down and talk to about this...who would be likely to take you in and give you some breathing space while you think about your next move?

[henderson14]

Nobody knows about these things. I left school for him. I don't want to completely say it's his fault, but I was raped when I went to school and we - together - came to the conclusion that it would be best if I came home.

I told him I couldn't just leave school and go back home... So I live with him now...

 

I know from what I've said you wouldn't believe it, but he does respect me.. He does so much for me. He's been in bad relationships. He's been treated wrong. I told him that I wasn't bsing him. I don't want to let him down. We're supposed to be together forever.

 

Do I sound crazy?

 

 

No matter what everyone says you can rationalize anything you want. It seems like you are both emotionally damaged people and girls like you are drawn to guys like him and vice versa. Just the fact that you left school to go back home and live with him is a red flag. I'd hate to day it, but if you blow off everyone and end up being in a physically abusive relationship.....don't say we didn't tell you so.

 

Have you talked to your friends and family about this? Are you afraid of the truth they will give you? What if you had a daughter and she told you these things?

[somedude81]

You do not want a woman who's attracted to emotionally abusive or emotionally unavailable men (the most common type of unhealthy dynamic that I know of), as they're emotionally unhealthy themselves (at the time, anyway) and would not be good relationship partners.

Getting a woman attracted to me for any reason, would be a great change of pace.

There are a lot of things wrong with this world. And I doubt they're as simple as the haphazard sentence you've used to describe my situation. With all due respect.

So then you think your situation is not one of the things that are wrong with the world.

 

If one of your friends told you word for word what you said in your first post, what would you think?

[ffw]

I like the way he treats me. The way he he makes me feel. He's my best friend. He's always there for me when I'm going through something. Like the rape. When I was having a panic attack, he'd always be there to assure me that I wasn't really dying and that I could indeed breathe. When my mother and I would get into it over her disrespectful boyfriend (who she finally broke up with) he was somebody I could vent to when I felt like my mother wasn't there. He likes to cook for me. He goes out of his way to do things for me. For example, he managed to find my favorite parfume that isn't sold in stores anymore and bought 5 bottles. He's just always thinking about me, and it's nice to have that.. He tells me everything and I've given him so much of my trust...

 

But now that I think about it, he's kind of all I have now. The other day he made a comment about my mother that kind of bothered me. It sounded like something my father (ex husband) would say... One of the things that a divorced parent will say to kind of sway the child to have sour feelings towards their other parent. He'll talk about how she's unstable in the way that she let her boyfriend be so inappropriate. I kind of agree... I felt the way before he said it. I don't remember the last time I hung out with a friend. I don't even have their numbers anymore. Since I left school and moved in with him, the weird friends I mentioned in my first post are the only people I've hung around. He's like my only friend. When I was away at college, he'd ask every single day if any dudes tried to talk to me. We'd laugh about cheesy pick up lines, or he'd turn a comment I wouldn't normally suspect into a dude's scheme to get into my pants... He totally changed my outlook on dudes. He's always talking about how dude's really just want sex... Except for him..

 

He's told me that he feels people who are in love should have no desire to have sex with other people... But then he's asked if I'd consider a threesome with another guy. Is that supposed to be a trick question or something? And he says he wouldn't want another girl because it's supposed to be about me. If I were interested in having a threesome with my bf and somebody else, I'd think that it was about US all being pleasured. Him talking about me being tied up and blind folded having sex with him and some mysterious friend of his sounds more like them "running a train" Don't you think? And if it's all about me, why is he suggestion blind folds and handcuffs instead of asking what I'm into? Or is he really just thinking about pleasuring me? Anyways, that won't be happening so I guess it doesn't matter... But it still has me wondering what his intentions are. I feel wrong for thinking about him under a light that doesn't compliment him. I guess maybe even if I am wrong about all of these things, maybe I need to separate myself from him to think out my feelings.

 

This relationship has become toxic. I am not going to tell you leave or stay bcs end of the call its your call. Also, I think you know what to do just your emotions are blocking your logical thinking. What are you really afraid of:

You won't find someone better than him, others won't accept your past or

Something else?

Just ask yourself can you see your future with him?

[Kali91]

I do believe there's a strong risk that this guy could exploit you on a commercial basis as well as on an interpersonal one, and that he could be grooming you for that kind of exploitation. Do you have any relatives who you would regard as fairly strong and stable? People you could sit down and talk to about this...who would be likely to take you in and give you some breathing space while you think about your next move?

 

Exploit on a commercial basis? I don't understand. Elaborate please and thanks? My bf used to hustle... I've heard crazy stories about his past... Not him doing anything, but the people and things he's dealt with in his "line of business"... But they say birds of a feather flock together. That comment kind of made something flutter in the pit of my stomach...

 

My mother is moving next year. I've been thinking maybe that could be a fresh start for me.

[Tybalt]

Emotional abuse is extremely damaging in and of itself, and can lead into physical abuse. A man does not start hitting you right out of the gate or you'd never stay. No, it takes time to get you hooked and wreck your self esteem in order to get you under complete control so you'll tolerate the escalation to violence.

 

Walking on eggshells to avoid "setting off" your partner, being isolated from friends and family, being talked down to and criticized, having to give an account of "guys you talked to" and what you did when out of his presence, sex being used or discussed in a way that doesn't take into account your desires, and feeling physically threatened are all signs that emotional abuse is occurring and the possibility of physical abuse is very real.

 

If you can't talk to your family right now, call a battered women's shelter in your area and describe your situation. They will understand and help you decide exactly what to do, and help you make a plan. Abuse leaves the brain confused and foggy and you need calm, rational support to assist you.

 

This thread literally made my stomach drop with that feeling of dread. Please ask for help. You've been through so much already and you shouldn't try to do this alone.