Majkl's coping journal

[Majkl]

Day 1

 

Realization that it is over is unbearable. Last piece of hope died inside of me last night.

 

Today I woke up with anxiety attack I think, I couldnt get enough oxygen and started breathing heavily, have calmed down now.

 

Going full NC with minimum LC only regarding my son.

Not going to talk to her family anymore, friends, my friends that know her so they dont bring her up.

 

I have to accept the fact that it is over and that this person does not deserve me and that I did not deserve this kind of pain and suffering, that she can just walk away and 'have fun with her life' and be 'solo because thats how she was supposed to be' is beyond cruel.

 

I guess she is doing that for herself and I have to accept it.

I dont understand how she didnt even want to go to counseling...

She wasnt willing, she didnt change her mind and she doesnt think she will and I should just move on.

Would be better if she just shot me instead I swear, I would have prefered that.

 

I realize that I have to avoid everything related to her until I reach the point where I am feeling healthy again, because if I dont get a grip and I still continue this insanity I will get physically and mentally ill and no one is worth this. Realizing things will never be the same again and that the family and person you once lived for are no more, I said to her I know my girl is still somewhere in there, she replied ''^^ she's not''. She has moved on with ease it seems, why in the heavens name is it so hard for me to accept that its over and that she's gone? Things will never be the same again.

 

I just wanted to have a nice peacefull family life, make enough $ for a nice living, holidays, and spend time with her and my son once everything was settled. It kills me to realize that dream is dead.

 

Wish me luck guys because I really dont want to become a nutcase.

[TheJiltedGeneration]

hey majkl good to see you're coming to terms with the break up.. remember if you need anyhelp dont be afraid to post on the coping room and on here as sometimes its nice to get some sage advice from some of the really experienced members of the site and it helps clear your head sometimes.

 

you do deserve better and the only way she's going to grow up is to make mistakes like she's making right now first hand... then she'll realize what she's truly lost =)

[worldgonewrong]

Hang in there, brother.

I'm 10 months into my separation. I still have godawful days (weepy, depressed), but the good - the sunlight - is creeping through.

The pain/the death of the family/marriage will always linger, but Life does go on and YOU can make it better, day by day.

Don't rush it though. Allow yourself your feelings - they will run the gamut.

But know that you will emerge.

[Majkl]

Day 2

 

Feel a bit better than yesterday I guess.

 

I dont understand how can someone turn into another person like that and just say old me is dead this is new me. I said I'm willing to be by your side through whatever you are going through, you can do what you want. Hit a wall there. I wish there was a way to erase her from my mind, completely.

[Majkl]

Day 3

 

Her brother wakes me up calling me and asking for a favor to lend him some cash, I said np. Then he starts telling me how I am a good person and how I should just move on and go out and have some fun, that he found out his sister is seeing some guy already. 2 and half months after the separation.

 

He felt genuinely bad for me, what can I tell you here? I dont care anymore about her, I just want to avoid her completely and only stick to my son. I feel that a person who is able to move on this quickly for whatever reason never really loved me. She just did not know what she wanted in life and I was there so that was it.

 

Still trying to figure out how can she just jump trains like that, anyone out there with a bit better insight than me in females? Some alpha male dogs?