I want to he1p her...

[jyoun]

It's been about a month since my ex and I broke up. We'd been together for nearly 4 years. I still lose sleep over worrying about her.

 

She has struggled with social anxiety and depression her whole life, has low self esteem, etc... our time together it got much better for her, and I tried hard to build her self-confidence, but I knew it was always her responsibility in the end. We broke up and she now feels horribly depressed again. She blames me for everything. I understand that's a normal reaction, but I worry that she'll never realize how much her issues contributed to our breakup and she'll never confront them in a healthy way.

 

She carries around so much guilt with her about something she did when she was a young girl, an innocent mistake that caused no harm to anyone other then herself. She has never been able to forgive herself for that and it was always an EXTREMELY touchy subject so I was careful not to delve too deep into it.

 

I'm scared now that when, or if, she realizes the mistakes she made with me, she'll only hurt herself even more over it. It'll just be another big mistake in her life that she'll use as an excuse to hate herself. I still feel that I love and care for her, but am not convinced we should be a couple. I want to be a friend and help her through this. Is that possible? I've not contacted her in the past month because I wanted to respect her desire to not speak with me, but I also imagine her anger might subside at some point and she'll want me to reach out. I guess I'm at a little bit of a loss as to what to do next.

 

 

Should I let it go? Should I contact a friend or family member of hers? I doubt they think I'm a good person based on the lies she made up about me to them, but is it worth it, to show I really care? Or is it better to just let her and everyone she knows go on believing I'm a horrible person who doesn't care? I really don't feel I care about my own reputation or anything in this; I don't care if she thinks I cheated on her or was cruel to her... I know that's simply not the truth so it really doesn't bother me much. I just want to help HER.

 

What do you guys think? Thanks in advance

[Popehappycat]

Let her finish her blame game. Our exes don't suddenly forget that we care/cared for them. They wanted you out, fine, you're out. Obviously you care, but you can't fix what's been broken for at least the entire duration of your relationship. Not now. People make their decisions, often with little thought to how it affects others. That's their fault, not yours. If she eventually reaches out, you can decide then what to do. But don't be a door mat. I find it useless to try to rationalize somebody else's actions because then you get an idea how YOU'D handle it, then get hurt/upset/mad when they don't handle it your way. Caring is human, but your obligations are firstly to yourself.

[norajane]

Should I let it go?

 

Yes.

 

She needs to take care of herself. You shouldn't be Captain Save-a-Ho. Learn that now before you take up with more emotionally damaged women thinking you can save them. You can't. You simply can't. It doesn't work that way. By trying to save her, you are actually enabling her to stay damaged instead of standing on her own two feet.

 

Basically, you care more about saving her than she does. Won't work.

[smudge21]

You have to remember, that you can only help those that actually want help... you can't force your help upon someone either. As much as you want to appear the hero, the truth is, you're only feeling this way because you still love her.

 

She made her decision and I totally understand about wanting to help her - I've been there where you are and it was only when I finally moved on did I stop trying to save someone who had similar problems. Sadly the more you focus on her, the more damage you'll be doing yourself... and I garauntee she won't come to help you.

 

Please try and walk away, for your own sake.

[sunflower11]

My ex broke up with me cause he was depressed and he wantd me to be happy and not wait around for him to get better. No matter how hard I tried to be there for him, to show that I cared and loved hm and I wanted to support him and help him through the bad tims he still broke up with me. wont answer calls, emails or text messages. so I am leaving him alone..this is what he has wanted all along, some space. It takes A LOT to be in a relationship with someone who gets easily depressed and just gives up on things.

 

I need to let him do the work..he said theres nothing i can do or say to make him feel better. So yea..I am walking away for my sake, it has been a living hell and I do have the guilt of knowing I am walking away when he feels the way he does but he kicked me out of his life. hes the one who wanted me out so now i am out. if he changes his mind he can come looking but really..there's nothing more you can do

[norajane]

I need to let him do the work..he said theres nothing i can do or say to make him feel better. So yea..I am walking away for my sake, it has been a living hell and I do have the guilt of knowing I am walking away when he feels the way he does

 

You CANNOT save other people. You simply can't. They actually have to do the work themselves. You can be supportive if you are dating a troubled person, but don't confuse support for taking on their problems as though the person is your child. You are not their parent, and you cannot be someone's savior. Treating him as though he is your child and you are responsible for his well-being and mental health makes him FEEL like a child who is unable to care for himself. And he will resent you for making him feel helpless.

 

So feel sad that your relationship is over if you must, feel sad that he's messed up. But do not feel guilt, and do not feel as though he is (or was ever) your responsibility because he is not your child.

[sunflower11]

You are totally right. I've never been in a situation like this before..heck I didn't know his depression was that bad (told me before breaking up with me he had been on medication when he was 10 years old for 3 years...i ask..WHO THE FFF GIVES THEIR KID ANTIDEPRESSANTS?? thats why people get so messed up when they grow up..they learn to rely on other things to make them feel better instead of dealing with their problems and LIVING) so yea i felt bad, felt like i couldnt do anything, felt helpless and then just let go. i have to move on with my life and it hurts me a lot everyday it hurts so much but i am determined and i have a goal in mind so that keeps me going day after day. this is my life, its about me.