Bernyberns Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 My wife has told me that she is so unhappy, disconnected, and dosent know where she is supposed to be or if she wants to be married. All of this has came out of the blue. I'm thinking everything is great..then she completely destroys me. I've never cried so much in my life..I can't sleep..I wake up and wonder around the house at all hours, I pray and think of ways to make her happy again Why is this happening to me..she promised me that she would never leave and that I was all she wanted and needed..she got my name tattooed on her wrist, and she just treated me like a king..I trusted her more then myself..she was so sure about everything and gave me confidence and filled me with ambition..I am madly in love with her. I don't know how she can be so selfish as to throw away or marriage because she is unhappy..your supposed to work things out..for better or worse..till death do us part..said those words to my face in front of her family and God..what..that means nothing now? I'm so broken right now..she still says she loves me and is in love with me..she says she still thinks I'm sexy but she won't have sex with me and claims she's not connected..I still make her laugh and we still have fun together but it's like she just wants to be friends..she said to me the other day " your doing this to yourself, you think because we had fun and went out to dinner and all that, that we could get intimate, I told u I'm disconnected from you, I'll have sex with you but I won't like it" I cried my eyes out..not in front of her but after she went to sleep. She dosent wear her ring, changed her last name on Facebook, dosent say much to me, still says she loves me though..I can't take this Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bernyberns Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 I posted on here about a month ago..but I've been so stressed dealing with my marriage..school..and work that I forgot to check up on it..so I started a new one..I really need help Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Sounds to me like she's already replaced you with someone else. Have you looked into that? Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Sounds like she has completely checked out. And if she is not willing to work on it, it could be because there's someone else or her feelings have diminished for you, and you can't force feelings. Either ways, she is moving on. And I know it hurts you but the longer you keep in her company, the worse it's going to get for you. You both should separate. Separation could either turn things around or it will help you move on. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 All classic signs that there's someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bernyberns Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 Well I thought she was cheating to but she has sworn up and down and to god that nothin like that is going on..I've asked her about it many times..I don't know y she wouldnt tell me now She still talks about having my kids..her mind is all over the place Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Well I thought she was cheating to but she has sworn up and down and to god that nothin like that is going on..I've asked her about it many times..I don't know y she wouldnt tell me now She still talks about having my kids..her mind is all over the place Why are you both still living together? Link to post Share on other sites
cavedweller Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Berney, Your marriage is over..It is 'toast'..She has found a new man. my 2 cents Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Well I thought she was cheating to but she has sworn up and down and to god that nothin like that is going on..I've asked her about it many times..I don't know y she wouldnt tell me now She still talks about having my kids..her mind is all over the place Did you really expect her to admit it? They ALWAYS lie. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bernyberns Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 I mean yea I did expect her to..she told me she dosent want to be married and has no connection..why would she still keep an affair a secret..I know I wouldn't if I was as cold as she is..we still live together because my marriage is not completely over She just called me and set up some movie dates and told me to get some tickets for the next jags game..I have to believe there is still hope..she still does some things that happily married couples do.. She very unhappy where she works right now..so we are going to go job hunting for her..we are also staying at my moms house right now..to save up money..which ain't working out so great..that's another thing she is frustrated with..but I'm trying. I'm going to try to do the 180 a little bit..I already sleep on the couch unless she asks me to come to bed Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 (edited) she told me she dosent want to be married and has no connection..why would she still keep an affair a secret..I know I wouldn't if I was as cold as she is..we still live together because my marriage is not completely over 1) She does not want to be married. 2) She has no connection. 3) She won't have sex with you What about this says that your marriage is not completely over? You are in denial. She still wants to do all the fun activities but that is not an indication that she wants to be married. She may enjoy your company and gifts and perks you lavish on her but that is all. "I already sleep on the couch unless she asks me to come to bed." I had to read that a few times. That is so, so unattractive in a man. You sound like a puppy dog. I'm sorry but I am beginning to see you being a doormat to this woman. And she won't tell you there is another man, possibly because that would send you reeling, cutting her from your support and leaving her staying in her mom's house with a sucky job. The woman won't even have sex with you because SHE WON'T LIKE IT, even states she does not want to be married to you -- what about this is not making you mad or even sparking a need to respect yourself? Edited November 4, 2011 by geegirl Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bernyberns Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 Ok well I sleep on the couch to give her space..sometimes she comes out and gets me..but yea it's all bad right now but feelings can change..she can come back around..and i said it ain't completely over..I'll admit it's just about there..but I'm not going to just give up..I appreciate your comments nonetheless. Until she walks out I'll have hope..as indenile as u make think I am.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bernyberns Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 (edited) So I shouldn't do anything with her then? I should just hang it up? Not say I love you anymore?..since I'm so unattractive..I don't feel like I am a puppy dog to her..not saying your wrong though.. And I am mad..I'm very angry..and hurt and depressed..its not easy to kill your love..i got plenty of time to do that if she leaves..but we fought about it enough times..I've told her to leave but she dosent..and says that she is here because she loves me..if only there is a way to reconnect.. Edited November 4, 2011 by Bernyberns Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Ok well I sleep on the couch to give her space..sometimes she comes out and gets me..but yea it's all bad right now but feelings can change..she can come back around..and i said it ain't completely over..I'll admit it's just about there..but I'm not going to just give up..I appreciate your comments nonetheless. Until she walks out I'll have hope..as indenile as u make think I am.. If there is ever a chance for rekindling, it will be when you are separated from her and not in each other's face. She can't miss you, miss what she had with you, miss the marriage, miss the companionship, or have any type of introspection into what she wants/if she wants, etc. if you are in her face enabling her behaviors of indecisiveness. Feelings may change when both of you have been apart, giving each other mental and emotional clarity to reevaluate needs and wants. Right now, both of you are feeding off your insecurities and using each other as a crutch. Yes, you are in denial. It's one thing to have hope when there are signs of hope but when your wife is telling you she is 1) disconnected 2) won't have sex with you because she won't like it 3) does not want to be married 4) changed her last name 5) does not wear her ring anymore, then you're in denial. You're too hurt to let go so you will sit there and wait for her to dump you because you're afraid to face what's ahead. I'm sorry if I am harsh and I know you are hurting. But what's plain to see on the other side is a little blurred for you based on your emotional attachment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bernyberns Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 Ok..thanks for everything..I'll just let it go.. Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 So I shouldn't do anything with her then? I should just hang it up? Not say I love you anymore?..since I'm so unattractive..I don't feel like I am a puppy dog to her..not saying your wrong though.. And I am mad..I'm very angry..and hurt and depressed..its not easy to kill your love..i got plenty of time to do that if she leaves..but we fought about it enough times..I've told her to leave but she dosent..and says that she is here because she loves me..if only there is a way to reconnect.. It's not easy to kill love. I know. I was married, divorced after 7 years. But love is not enough to allow yourself to go through such emotional turmoil because you love someone. At some point you have to stand up and tell her that she has to make a decision. And that decision is whether she loves you enough to remain married as your wife or enough to only give little bits of companionship. Until you do that, you will remain a broken man. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 File for divorce, box up her stuff and print off a list of apartments for her to look at and tape it to the boxes. IMO, you're disrespecting the mother who gave you life by allowing this woman to continue to live in her home. Cure that. Today. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bernyberns Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 Yea...people are so selfish and they lie so much..marriage is a joke built for the moment...like look at as we are married..then one liar admits how they truly feels and the cycle happens all over again Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 So...my suggestion...get a PLAN. What's your goal? Do you want to try to reconcile, or divorce? If divorce...then what's your PLAN for getting divorced? Start out with an attorney, work it from there. If reconciliation...then you're going to have to get PROOF of an affair (assuming one is in motion, which I strongly suspect), confront her, push to get the affair ended, and work through the damage done by her infidelity as well as whatever issues led up to her choice to go down this path to begin with. But...everything starts with picking a goal, and coming up with a plan to reach your goal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bernyberns Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 My plan is to just get the connection back..but it looks like that's impossible.my life is crumbling fast..im failing school..don't wanna work..I don't want to live man.. I thought about spying but I feel guilty..she's swears no cheating is going on though..how should I go about finding out Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Spying. Pretty much your only way. Why should YOU feel guilty when she's the one putting you into this position? Affairs take tons of communictions...check her cell phone use, internet use, etc... First evidence is always there. Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 My plan is to just get the connection back..but it looks like that's impossible.my life is crumbling fast..im failing school..don't wanna work..I don't want to live man.. I thought about spying but I feel guilty..she's swears no cheating is going on though..how should I go about finding out Getting a connection back is not a plan. It's hope. If you need to spy to help you move on, then spy. You are her husband and you are entitled to get the truth or find it as it is affecting your marriage. And even if she is not cheating, things will most likely never change if you are both living together under these circumstances. It will just become a bad habit. If she "loves" you, she will let you go. When you love someone and you realize you can't give them what they want and your existence in their life is more detrimental than good, you release them as that is the kind and loving thing to do. I have a strong feeling she says she "loves" you because she needs to keep you engaged for her own selfish reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bernyberns Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 (edited) Hey coopster...she's said she's going to leave before..but I'll admit I'm a good talker..I always get threw to her..she knows that's not what I really want so she dosent believe me when I say it..but she is still with me I don't understand how someone can just walk away..I intend on taking the advice I have received but not just yet..I'm going to prepair myself for the worst by focusing on myself and not her..I'll hope and pray she will come around Edited November 4, 2011 by Bernyberns Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bernyberns Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 Ok so she went back home because of a death in the family..and never came back..was talking to me about buying a plane ticket and never bought one..she wasn't even going to tell me.she was talking to me like everything was fine..then said she's not coming back.. Devastated...I gave her money to go support her family to..so I stopped calling..but she started calling.and I mean calling like when we first started dating..but never wants to talk about us..but wants to watch the same shows and eat over the phone She is driving me crazy..one minute we are laughing and having a good time..then when talks of our future come up..she freaks So I freaked on her one night told her I was done..and not to call until she decides what we are going to do..ever answer to every question is idk..idk..idk It's all a mess now..both families are involved and are throwing suggestions.. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 She is driving me crazy..one minute we are laughing and having a good time..then when talks of our future come up..she freaks.. The up and down is because she's gaslighting you, keeping you as a backup option, someone safe to provide security and money etc, and there in case any new relationship goes wrong. You are allowing yourself to be a number 2 option, you are allowing yourself to get baited by her. Stop freaking out at her, there's no need, You're words to her 'Wife I get it now, I know you want to be free to find a new boyfriend, I've changed my mind, I think it's for the best, I've even helped you move out by packing your bags' Good luck!! Give her what she wants!! the chances of getting her back are 1million times higher that way (If you want her back). Set her free!! Drop all contact, get yourself out having some fun. Go to counselling on your own try to work on yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts