Wedding Planning Drama

[CupcakeCrisis]

Recently, my mom and I were discussing who I would invite to my wedding, and needless to say MY view of how it will go is causing a rift.

 

My partner and I aren't formally engaged but it's coming soon - in any case, my uncle is dating a woman who has two children (one is 15, the other is 19). Her son, the older child, has a girlfriend and two children with her. While my uncle has been dating this woman for a few years, I am not close to her kids and don't feel that I should be obligated to invite an additional 5 people, including this woman's grandkids. I'm even getting pressure to invite my uncle's girlfriend's MOTHER (so, 6 extra people). Talk about distance.

 

When my cousin married (my uncle's son), there was also a lot of grief surrounding his refusal to invite the girlfriend's daughter. Finally he caved and invited her, and she didn't come anyway.

 

Many people in my family, including my mother, are incredibly manipulative and aren't above throwing their weight around to get their own way. My mom weighs almost 400 pounds and decided to throw her weight around regarding my cousin's wedding too. She kept pressuring him about making sure he got chairs strong enough to support her. When he posted on Facebook asking if anyone knew where he could get sturdy chairs, she threw a fit, complaining that he was 'making fun of her' despite never even acknowledging her in his post. She then threatened not to attend his wedding - I'm not sure if this was to his face or not, but she was telling several other people in the family.

 

This is one of the reasons why I've told my partner that I would like to elope - I don't want to deal with drama surrounding who I do or don't invite and all of that other garbage. I can think of nothing more romantic than having a wedding that's purely about us, doing what we'd like, and coming home to tell everyone about how great our Honeymoon was without any of 'em involved! I am kidding to an extent - we have some great family members between us but there are always at least a few to cause trouble.

 

My mom has offered to put money on the wedding, and I have insisted since the start that I will not accept it. We don't need it. And, frankly, if she doesn't have money involved, it gives her less sway in any decisions I make. It is not her wedding and she's going to have to learn that. I feel that her 'offer' is really just a way to try and get control over the family and who will be invited.

 

She's even mentioned distant aunts and uncles whom I see once or twice a year tops. She's even been trying to invent EXCUSES for why these people aren't being invited. I am so tired of this nonsense - she's not my PR spokesperson. If people ask me why they weren't invited, I would outright explain that we want a small wedding. Or, depending on mood - I'd tell 'em it's none of their business.

 

How did you handle relatives who wanted to tell you how to run your affair? I am so tempted to just tell these people who threaten not to come, "Great! We'll take your name off the guest list tonight. So sorry you won't be able to come!" but I know that's the fed-up side of me coming through.

 

Should I feel -BAD- for not inviting the mother, children and grandchildren of my uncle's girlfriend? They've been together for about three years. Otherwise, we were only inviting close friends, immediate family, first cousins (mine, anyway - we were raised together), and aunts and uncles.

[TigerCub]

Hey CC,

 

I totally get what you're saying.

I've never been married, but that desire to just do it on your own just to avoid all that drama, sounds about right

 

But.....I'm sure your mom would want to see you all dressed up and walking down the isle.

 

As for what to do...

here's what my sister did. Her and her now husband paid for the whole wedding themselves (to make sure that it was done their way, and just because it is their wedding, they should front most of the bill)

 

but most importantly, they made it a destination wedding - to (as my sister said) "weed out all the riff raff"

and that is true, only the important people that really wanna see you get married will make a trip somewhere to see you get married, the rest wont.

 

so that could be a way to solve all that.

 

As for your mom, just tell her, this is your special day, you're paying for it, you're only gonna have it once and so it should be the way you want.

 

I don't think you're being mean or bad by not wanting to invite the uncle's gf's clan. If I were the daughter of someone dating a bride's uncle, I sure as **** wouldn't expect and invite or be insulted that I never got one - I probably wouldn't even wanna go to begin with, if I didn't really know that person.

 

Its your day, do it your way (with you partner) and yeah - go for a destination wedding to weed out the riff raff.

[norajane]

You are paying for it. You get to decide who you want at your wedding.

 

Frankly, I'd run off and get married, too. While close family might care about your wedding, most other people...really don't. The wedding industry is such a ripoff, so don't buy into the hype and stress out about it all.

[make me believe]

I would probably elope in your situation. My husband and I seriously considered eloping, even though we don't have the craziness in our families that you described. In the end we had a very small wedding with immediate family and a few very close family members/friends who WE wanted to be there. We had 15 guests total and it was perfect.

 

One thing that helped me avoid any drama was just not involving other people in the wedding planning at all. We made all of the plans ourselves, and when everything was set we told our guests the date, time, and location and said we hoped they could make it. Simple. It was pretty last minute, too, which cut down on the drama.

 

If your mom wants to invent excuses to tell people who aren't invited, let her. Just don't involve yourself in it. If they come to you and ask what's up, just explain nicely that you guys wanted to keep it very small. Honestly most people don't care that much about an extended family member's wedding. Your distant relatives will probably be glad they won't have to feel obligated to come or make an excuse why they can't make it.

[renata]

When I first started trying to come up with a guest list for our wedding I had some concerns over offending certain relatives: should I invite my uncle's stepdaughter and her husband/children? What about my dad's second cousins that are my age and I've hung out with a few times? Do I have to invite my uncle's stepchildren that I only met one time at my uncle's wedding 8 years ago??

 

My fiance and I wanted to have a small wedding with our family (up to first cousins) and close friends only. When I asked my parents what they thought, they basically said it's your wedding, invite who you want and don't worry about what other people might want.

 

My fiance's parents did not respect our wishes, and caused a lot of drama kind of like what you're talking about. We compromised by allowing both his parents to invite a handful of their family members that my fiance has never even met, which we thought was pretty generous. His parents didn't think so, and after we had already booked our venue (with limited space) based on our guest list, and ordered save the dates and invitations they went behind our backs and verbally invited 60 people (such as neighbors and their friends) whom my fiance had never even heard of, let alone met.

 

I agree with the other posters that you need to keep your family out of the planning process. When they ask you direct questions you need to just deflect and avoid answering, unless you're comfortable telling them it's none of their business.

 

Don't feel bad about not inviting people you aren't close to - those people won't care about celebrating your union with you anyways. My uncle's stepdaughter has been a part of his family for my entire life, but she is significantly older than me, so I rarely saw her - I don't feel bad at all for not inviting her or her family, and my parents backed me up on that.

Edited November 21, 2011 by renata

[setsenia]

I didn't realize it until recently, but my husband's mother was very controlling over our wedding. They only assisted with $500 out of $7k that we paid ourselves. She did help with the planning, but she got offended when we said we were trying to limit the amount of children at the wedding. They invited their friends, whom had 5 children. She told us that we "had no control over what happened during our wedding ceremony and that she should know because she has been to a lot more weddings than us." First of all, helping with 5% of the wedding doesn't give you the right to control everything. Maybe if they were paying for at least half the cost of everything, but not just $500. They also thought that since they were willing to pay for an open bar, we should have let them have it. First of all, I was only 19, so I wouldn't have been able to drink at my own wedding. Second, I have relatives who cannot control their drinking. In fact, my father crashed the wedding above us at their open bar. Talk about embarrassing. I say it is YOUR day and up to you how you want it to run. It's unfortunate that she cannot respect that. Thankfully those friends of theirs could not make it, so it wasn't an issue. We're having our vow renewal on our 5 year anniversary with about half as many people that we had at the wedding. We're keeping it strictly to close family and friends, and doing the rest of the planning ourselves. I also neglected to mention that my mother in law rushed us through the reception and we didn't even have much of a chance to eat. It was horrible.

Edited December 21, 2011 by setsenia