wnt2saveit Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Wife says she thinks it is over. Will file after the holidays do I have a chane at saving us. We have little kids that is why she wants to wait. What should I do with 2 months to save us
ch47wife Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Dude, there's always other options. Think of what people did for eons before divorce was even around. I'll tell you this right now, and it's the same with ever female on the planet regardless of personal situation - it's the little things that matter the most. Period. I'm going through a bunch of crap with my husband right now to, but divorce is never the answer unless you two are completely fubared to the point of abuse and/or neglect. Think back to when you two first fell in love. What was it that made her fall in love with you? If you don't know, ask her (nicely!). Recreate that. Make her fall in love with you all over again, and in doing so, you fall in love to. There is a difference between loving someone, and being in love with them. Ask her what her hopes and dreams and desires are. What does she want in life? Talk to her, romance her, sweep her off her feet. It really can be like it is in the movies, it just takes a little bit of effort. Be her knight in shinning armour! And remember, don't blame-shift, it's never the answer. There's no shame in admitting one's faults and asking for help, it shows strength in character and self awareness. Superman was a character, but chivalry is real. Good luck dude!
ch47wife Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 P.S. - divorce wasn't legal in Ireland until 1997. Imagine how they got along until then!
carhill Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Someone who announces that they 'think it's over' when the family has children and right before the holidays deserves to be served at work the next day. I say give her what she wants. Today.
norajane Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Tell her that you agree divorce is the only option since she has no interest in working on your marriage at this point. Sometimes it knocks the wind out of a person's sails if you give them what they think they want. She might start looking at you differently...like maybe she is not as in control as she thinks. Find a lawyer, immediately. You want to make sure you get good advice on how to get joint custody of your children and deal with financial issues. Be prepared, very well prepared. You might want to do this before you tell her that you agree to a divorce. That way, you can either tell her you've already spoken to a lawyer and have asked him to prepare the paperwork now. Perhaps if you aren't holding onto this marriage, she might start to think about what she will lose. If she did want to work on it, I'd suggest marriage counseling to help you two communicate about your problems. You could start going to MC yourself and tell her that you are going and she can join you if she wants to save your marriage. But if she's adamant that she does not, fine. Tell her that you agree.
ch47wife Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Wow. Why is everyone so quick to jump to divorce? This is why there are so many broken homes in the world. People aren't willing to try and work things out, to try every possible route before coming to the conclusion of just saying f@%# it and quitting. What would your grandparents think of this crap?! There are other alternatives besides spending a small fortune to have a marital contract burned into ashes. There's a reason why you got married in the first place, don't forget that (unless you were forced into it!). People don't know how to fight for anything anymore. We've gotten so comfortable with being able to throw family values out of the window at a whim, that no one even remembers what it's like anymore. Has anyone even considered that his wife might have been trying, but was getting nowhere? Maybe she wasn't trying the right approach or something, and just gave up. It get exhausting. I'm not defending either of the two, but I am defending the sanctity of marriage. It still means something to some people, that's why they do it. There's nothing wrong with trying. But if you just give up what you care about most with out even trying to fight for it, you're no better than that pouty little kid who whines all day long 'cause they couldn't get their way.
carhill Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Why is everyone so quick to jump to divorce? That's a great question to ask the wife who thinks it's the only option. I'd love to hear the answer.
Steadfast Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 (edited) I'm not defending either of the two, but I am defending the sanctity of marriage. A marriage is sanctified only if the people in it are sanctified. Why so quick to divorce? Because experience tells those who want out should be completely exposed to the very thing they claim to desire. Love tells us to honor their wish. It has been proven time and time again as the very best deterrent to divorce. When one person in marriage is sexually disinterested, has issues with the spouse or is generally unhappy for any reason, the 'fight' is usually seen, felt, or taken as control. In other words, it's the wrong move. We're not talking about a argument, a spat or disagreement; when a wife (especially a wife) says her feelings have changed, she means it. And Carhill nailed it. Love is letting go. The return the desire of the betrayer's freewill. I suggest you spend a little more time in the trenches before refuting good advice ch47wife. Spend enough time here and you'll get clued in quick- Edited November 5, 2011 by Steadfast
ch47wife Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 If giving up instead of trying is the only advice that's given on here, I should cancel my membership. There's nothing wrong in trying. If he doesn't want to loose her, then he should definitely try something. Find that spark that was there once, bring it back to life. It's not false hope or dreaming, it's EFFORT.
carhill Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 OP, here's a great thread about a member who gave it his best shot and didn't give up. Enjoy the read. He has newer threads as this has been going on for over a year now.
Steadfast Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 If giving up instead of trying is the only advice that's given on here, I should cancel my membership. There's nothing wrong in trying. If he doesn't want to loose her, then he should definitely try something. Find that spark that was there once, bring it back to life. It's not false hope or dreaming, it's EFFORT. I do apologize for coming across too harshly. I certainly do not want you to think you're input isn't welcome, and I have no right to suggest that. You are right of course, factoring in good intentions and logic. Trouble is, good intentions don't hold marriages together; loving people do. Good as it sounds, one partner can't love enough for both. The OP's marriage doesn't stand a chance if his wife has checked out, and experience (much of it gained first hand) teaches the harder one tries, the worse the outcome. Rebellion and/or the thrill of infidelity is untouched by reason. This quote says it better: "Sometimes, when you give up on someone, it's not because you don't care anymore, it's because you realize they don't." My above post might have been slightly condescending, but nevertheless, remains true. His best option is to agree with the wife and let her go. If she changes her mind (and he's still willing) then she will return to him based on decisions she has made. Not ones her husband made for her. Sometimes -very rarely- the betrayer will realize what they have lost and not let pride, vanity or control factor into their decision to reconcile. If more wives were like you, there wouldn't be a need for forums like this.
ch47wife Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 (edited) Steadfast - I thank you, very much, you made me teary-eyed! I'm kinda' going through the same kind of crap right now, which is why I joined this site. I know that my situation is not the same as his, and so I'm trying not to judge (there's no way any of us could know first hand what exactly is going on). As long as he trys/tried instead of just giving up, he can still say that he tried. Its more of a self-worth thing than anything else. Edited November 5, 2011 by ch47wife
Author wnt2saveit Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 What drives me crazy is one minute everything is great and then the next it's all over- not willing to try etc.... She is a great mom and I honestly think the kids push her to her limits and then I just do or say somethingnd push her over the limit. My kids are to young to know what they are doing but they are constantly fighting. On the other hand my wife is making plans for next year with me and then when I say I can't keep this up and down roller coaster going on she says nothing just walks away- I just dont know do I tell her I lover her she has stopped, she has stopped the kiss but is still cordial to me. We get along fine I just thinkshe is crazy. Throwng all of this away for what?? I have no idea- We have a nice home, great kids no wants- the only thing I can hink of is we don;t do much alone it is always with the kids. I have asked her to go out just the two of us and htere is always n excse no money etc. I just don'tknow what to do- I just know I can't keep doing this forevr- I am 40 and this isn;t what my life is supposed to be- I am supposed to be married to a woman who loves me and wants me as much as I lover and want her! Please give me guidance. MC we have gone to doesn't seem to help. She has had a lot of family tragedy in the past couple of months from BIL getting killed in Iraq to other tragdies. So I dont know if this is coming in to play... any advice is appreciated
ch47wife Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 From personal experience, the deaths and kids do have a lot to do with it, more than likely over half of her issues right now.
Tiberius Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 Maybe you never had a chance and all she wanted were 3 kids from a sperm donor and whatever money she can shake out of him on the way out. Ever thought of that? Sorry but many women marry a man they dont love because they want kids and whatever they can get in divorce and evwrybod but hubby saw it coming. Get a lawyer, she was probably getting ready for a while.
ch47wife Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 There is a difference between loving someone, and being in love with them. Ask her what her hopes and dreams and desires are. What does she want in life? Talk to her, romance her, sweep her off her feet. As I've said before, ask her.
katherinerose Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 You should try doing everything that you can. Talk with your wife about why she wants to leave. Try and work on the things that needs to change. Show her that you really do love her and want to be with her. Do things that you both did when you were dating or first married. Many of these things stop happening with the stresses of everyday living. Tell her how much you care, spend time with her, and if she stays continue to do these things regularly. Try not to just do them when things are bad but also when things are good. I hope that you will be able to get her to stay. Perhaps if it's possible schedule a surprise night away where you both can really talk. Even if it's only to a nice local hotel.
robf1971 Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 You should try doing everything that you can. Talk with your wife about why she wants to leave. Try and work on the things that needs to change. Show her that you really do love her and want to be with her. Do things that you both did when you were dating or first married. Many of these things stop happening with the stresses of everyday living. Tell her how much you care, spend time with her, and if she stays continue to do these things regularly. Try not to just do them when things are bad but also when things are good. I hope that you will be able to get her to stay. Perhaps if it's possible schedule a surprise night away where you both can really talk. Even if it's only to a nice local hotel. Take a few hours, look over the stories in here, note how what you're suggesting never, ever, ever works. You have some fantastic advice to couples who have reconciled or who's relationship is in a good place but trying to 'nice' someone into a marriage who clearly wants out is like p*ssing into the wind.
robf1971 Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 From personal experience, the deaths and kids do have a lot to do with it, more than likely over half of her issues right now. Yep, and the other half is that she's cheating..
dreamingoftigers Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 Wife says she thinks it is over. Will file after the holidays do I have a chane at saving us. We have little kids that is why she wants to wait. What should I do with 2 months to save us Divorce Busters, 180 Pronto.
Author wnt2saveit Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 Well she says we may put it off until the kids are finished with school this year. I so wan that this to work- it just seems as though she has checked out. She won't kiss, hug no sex just we are roomates in different bedrooms. I know red flags etc for cheating I no this isn't happening. I just don't know what to do- Do I keep trying or do I just back off and act like yeah I am cool with the divorce etc. I do not want this messing up my kids they are the most important people in my life. As I said earlier she has had some family tragedy in the past 4 months or so - so I don't know if this is playing a part or not. I said I think she is crazy- what I meant by that is that one minute she is talking baout divorce no hope I said then why don't we just separate and she says no that would mean there is hope for reconcilation and there isn't. I don't want to tear up the family and have to go through the trauma for the kids to be moving during the school year. Then the next thing is planning A Fmily vCtion. She is just all over the board. It's like she doesn't know what to do- I have told her I cant keep doing this and she understands. Then the next days are she is super nice. She does all the cooking, cleaning laundry etc. and works fulltime and then comes home to the kids. I haven't cheated lied etc. The thing is we are in debt up to our eye balls and she says this is just to much work and a marriage shouldn't be. She said she walks on egg shells around me- the reason is I am hurt by her and do not know what to do- so I just act like I don't care and she gets so mad. Please help me
Steadfast Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 The thing is we are in debt up to our eye balls and she says this is just to much work and a marriage shouldn't be. My ex told me our debt was draining her love for me and her enthusiasm for life, so I re-doubled my efforts, busted my ass and got us out of debt. When she confessed to cheating and told me she loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore because I was never home. Always working. When a person acts like nothing satisfies them, it's because none of their current options are appealing. I can guarantee you someone, or something is influencing her, telling her things should be, or could be better. Raising a family, paying a mortgage and all the rest was always a challenge, and even harder today. It's a struggle and a strain, but IMO, has absolutely nothing to do with attraction, love, or care. True love thrives and grows under pressure and strife; it doesn't weaken. She's backing out...well, sort of. What's she's really doing is weighing her options, and using you until things clear up, or plans firm up. She told you she wants a divorce and your sex life has vanished. 99.9% of the time there's someone else. Do not let the holidays, her 'concern' for the kids or anything else stop you from pushing the issue. In or out. Decide now. It takes balls, but balls is what you need when dealing with a wayward wife. Not instinct. You think using caution is wise, you think waiting is the best option. It isn't. Force the issue. It's the best, smartest thing to do. Limbo helps no one.
norajane Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 (edited) She said she walks on egg shells around me- the reason is I am hurt by her and do not know what to do- so I just act like I don't care and she gets so mad. Please help me Have you talked with her about the stuff in your marriage that you are unhappy about? I don't mean about her current vacillation - have you told her about the stuff that made you unhappy in the marriage before she ever brought this up? Do you talk to her about your thoughts and feelings? Her getting mad that you act like you don't care makes me think she's trying to get a reaction out of you. Maybe that's what this divorce talk is about? Do you two communicate badly? Does she do a lot more talking than you do? Are you too quiet about your thoughts? Edited November 8, 2011 by norajane
Author wnt2saveit Posted November 8, 2011 Author Posted November 8, 2011 probably. I just read that I should try and pull back so I do she reacts then I try to talk to her text her at work and she is then very short with me. Like I said one day everything is going great and I feel like we are moving in the right direction then the next day it's back on the divorce issue. the kids have no idea and that;s what scares me to death I love her more then anything and i would do anything for her i jst dont kow what she wants and if i ask she gets mad at me. she told me not to go to her parens for thanksgivin because they know of the problems and it would be very stressful for everyone considering the recent deaths. I m just going to go hunting for the week. do you think hat would wrk- some ime alone with the kids.. when i tell her to think this through for example her company doesn't pay for health insurance she says are you threating me. no i am just trying to get you to see the big picture. I do everything i possiblycan for he family from working side jobs so we can pay down the debt todoingmy fair share of household chores to taking care of the kids so she can go to meetings are shopping. i jut don't know if i am doing more harm the good by trying tomake extra money etc andpulling back from her. i knew from he minute imet her tha i was going to marry her and we we dated ofr 2 years before gettingmarried in our late 20's. we have been married ovr 10 years to-
norajane Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 i jut don't know if i am doing more harm the good by trying tomake extra money etc andpulling back from her. Did you decide to take on the side jobs after talking about it with your wife? Have you talked to your wife about it since? Have you asked her what she thinks about the extra jobs now? Do you two talk about stuff like this and make decisions together?
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