Controlling Parents in Adulthood

[Seeking1]

All,

 

I have scoured the internet and read all the online material about controlling parents in adulthood, I've read Harriet Lerner's The Dance of Anger, I've also read Toxic Families. I haven't yet found anything that is helpful given what I'll politely term as my unique situation.

 

Background

I'm a woman in my early 30's and having been working in my chosen career for about 6 years. I lived on my own for 1 year and moved back with my parents. My parents were paying for my cell phone until recently but otherwise I pay all my own expenses. I do not own a car and again, until recently they were letting me use one of theirs. They do not charge me rent.

 

My parents have always had controlling tendencies which they disguised as "we're doing this because we care, you'll thank us for this some day, etc." To give an example, I had some trouble in my first year of college and as a result my mother demanded to know if I was sleeping with my boyfriend and then made me break up with him or various things were threatened. At 18 and no money, I had no choice and broke up with him.

 

Flash forward to the present - I recently went on a vacation with friends and while I was away, my mother went through my room and took financial receipts and otherwise went through my belongings. When I returned they now advised I had a curfew (times have varied). They object to my friends and where we hang out. Without divulging personal details my friends and I hang out and play games and talk and have a glass of wine or beer. We're not talking cult or sinister here. Since this vacation (about 6 months ago) they have gotten progressively more controlling. They have confronted me about my spending and who and what I spent it on. I advised that this was none of their business. I may add I do have some significant debt but I'm working on paying it down. Debt was accumulated by spending too much unwisely on credit. This infuriated them and thier position is that I live in their house and my mother is entitled to go through my things. I went searching for the things they had taken and when I found some in their room, they accused me of planting it there!

 

After instituting the curfew, and refusing to answer questions about my finances, they they told me I could no longer use the car. When my friends would pick me up they then reinstituted or altered the curfews. If I was even a minute late they would begin calling my friends cell phones - they demanded the numbers or I wouldn't be allowed to go out.

 

My best friend and possible romantic interest - they despise although not having met him. They have said all sorts of horrible things. Now, they are threatening - if I see these people or move out (as I've indicated I am going to do) they will go to their houses (they found their addresses) and confront them on what horrible people they are and confront their parents. They have said they will stop at nothing to protect me from these people and this would include bringing them down in any way possible (calling bosses, etc) --> These are all their words they have spoken. In addition, this may sound paranoid, but they have details of things, places and people I have never told them about so I also suspect they have hired someone to have me followed. I also suspect that something in my room is bugged as they know details of conversations I've had with people.

 

I was forced to go to see a counsellor with them and the counsellor told me that I may well have no choice but to abandon these friends although she is worried about me getting depressed about cutting people off. The counsellor even felt that they would make good on these threats. I am at a loss as to what to do. I am miserable but figure that's better that having the wrath of my parents inflicted on others. I know that they mean what they say in light of having lived with this before.

 

I absolutely do not know what to do. I'm feeling so trapped and am stress eating and not being focused at work. Any advice would be welcome or thoughts.

[norajane]

I also suspect they have hired someone to have me followed. I also suspect that something in my room is bugged as they know details of conversations I've had with people.

 

WTF?

 

If this is a real post, you need to get out of their house and stay out. Move across the country if you have to. Get a restraining order if they approach you.

 

I get it that you are in debt, but find another way to pay things off. Get a cheap apartment with a roommate and just disappear out of their lives.

[Seeking1]

Original Poster here - I assure you this is real. I am concerned about my friends and my parents confronting them at their homes, their parents homes and workplaces.

[january2011]

You need to make a plan to move out of there, as norajane suggested.

 

Draw a line in the sand. They may be your parents, but you are an adult now and need to take full responsibility for your life, including your debt.

 

I suspect that, whether subconsciously or not, you may also be letting them get away with this behaviour by falling into the trap of reverting back to being their daughter who needs her parents to steer her in the right direction. That may have worked when you were a teen, but you're in your 30s now. It's difficult to make the break and many people don't get to cross that bridge until they have a family of their own. But right now, they're really affecting your quality of life. Only you can make them stop.

 

Since you've lived on your own for a year and worked in your chosen career for six years, you have proof that you can be independent outside of your parents' home. The debt can be dealt with, in time.

 

Make a plan to get out of debt and move out. Every day, take another step towards that goal. You've done it once, you can do it again. You just need to take a deep breath, roll up your sleeves, do the research and make a start. Deal with the practical stuff first. The psychological stuff can wait until you're in a stronger position.

 

Remember, you are in your 30s. They cannot make you do anything.

Edited November 4, 2011 by january2011

[norajane]

Original Poster here - I assure you this is real. I am concerned about my friends and my parents confronting them at their homes, their parents homes and workplaces.

 

I assume these friends of yours are adults? They will survive the crazy, trust me, IF your parents actually follow through. It's one thing for them to browbeat you; it's quite another to go to strangers and try to pull their sh*t on them, and I'm sure your parents realize that. They probably do not want police involved, which your friends would be perfectly in their right to call in the event your parents showed up anywhere and would not get off their property.

 

You, on the other hand, will not survive this environment. It's probably messed you up emotionally already to the point that you cannot even see how insane your parents are, and how insane you are for letting them treat you like you are 2 years old.

 

Move out before they do any more damage to your psyche. Your friends, if they are friends, will understand and hopefully help you.

[RiverRunning]

This looks like a textbook case of a mother who has narcissistic personality disorder and an enabling father. The going through your personal things, instating 'curfews', paying bills for you at your age (this is a form of infantalizing), threatening to interfere with your friends/job, etc...these are all classic signs of a parent who can't see that you are a separate person. They have threatened and manipulated you probably all of your life.

 

Find a new therapist. I imagine you couldn't speak as freely when you went with them, but find one on your own. And whatever you can, start finding ways to get independent. Talk to friends. Maybe you and a group of friends can get a place together. If you can't afford a car, try to move someplace relatively close to work and bike or walk there. Start creating a budget for paying off your debts OUTSIDE of their watchful eye.

 

I've had friends who live with roommates and they pay less than $300 a month for rent. Depending on the size of the place, some are even paying about $200 a month.

 

Setting your boundaries with your parents likely won't work. Narcissists and their enablers will convince YOU that you are crazy and that you must be dependent on them. Is your father the enabler? In my situation, my dad went from passively sitting by while my mother tore into me to eventually joining in with her to keep her pacified.

 

You are in an emotionally abusive and toxic environment. The time is NOW to get out and hopefully you can live like an adult. I would suggest considering low-contact or no-contact after you move out. And start seeing a therapist who has experience with NPD. A lot of times, children of narcissists have the tendency to try to 'fix' the parent or to believe the parent has changed. They NEVER change.

[Lucky_One]

You have significant credit card debt, and you have only lived on your own for one year, and you have had very low living expenses (possibly paying a share of electric, cable, internet, food - paying for clothes and entertainment - not paying rent or car or phone). What in the world could you have accumulated this much credit card debt on? Why in the heck haven't you been able to pay your debt OFF?

 

6 years in your field - let's say you make $40,000. Take away 15% for taxes, and you have $34,000 of disposable income. Minus 10% for retirement (and I bet my percentage is way too high), and you are at $31,000. You have about $2,600 to spend a month. $500 to your folks for living expenses, $500 for entertainment, $200 for health insurance, $300 for clothes (and I am giving you VERY generous allowances for entertainment/clothes since most people in debt cut those down first) - and you STILL have $1100 left over. You could have paid $13,200 a year in debt, and in just 5 years, you would have paid $66,000 of debt OFF. Cut your clothing and entertainment in half, and you would have paid an additional $24,000 off.

 

If you were my daughter, and if you were living at home with bare minimum living expenses and had been working for all of these years, I would want to know where your cash flow was heading, too. Depending on what sort of trouble you were in in college (drugs? Coke, specifically?) and what caused you to run up such massive debt, I would be very concerned about your behavior, your spending, your activities.

 

Bugging your room? Sheesh. If you are having conversations in your room that are loud enough to be picked up by a non-CIA quality mike, then you are having conversations loud enough to be heard by someone listening outside your door. (Any chance you are smoking a lot of pot? That tends to lead to paranoia.)

 

I think that you are giving us your side, and it might be interesting to see what your parents would say.

[RiverRunning]

If real , the poster has serious issues. This has NOTHING to do with the parents.

 

Riverrun...no, it's not a textbook case of anything to do with the parents. The poster isn't 16 years old but in her 30's. The perspective from the parents' point of view may be very different. The posters' grasp of 'normal' is removed from reality.

 

 

These are all HUGE signs of narcissistic personality disorder. The poster's problem is that she has allowed this to go on and sits passively by while they continue to control her. Unless the daughter is doing some serious, serious stuff, there's no justification for bugging her room, listening in on her personal calls, threatening to interfere with her friends/family, instating curfews, demanding to know about her financial situation, etc. If the parents feel they're getting ripped off by paying some of her bills/letting her live there, they need to stop doing that. She works, so surely she could contribute something to the family, even if she is mired in debt.

 

There is never any justification for a parent invading a grown child's personal space, unless they think the kid's plotting a massacre, storing drugs in the house, or something else entirely. I don't see any indication of that here. What I do see is a continual invasion of this woman's life.

 

Children of narcissists often 'go with the flow' well into adulthood. I have met and interviewed several women of narcissistic mothers...many of whom were also in their 20s, 30s, and 40s and living much like the OP does. The children have no concept of how a 'normal' family functions, nor how much privacy they should be entitled to as adults. It's not unusual for those who are most infantilized to be taught they are too incompetent to face the world on their own, to be taught that they don't deserve privacy/freedom/etc. OP is apparently suffering the same.

 

In any case, her home environment is abnormal. She needs to find a way to have independence - and she should be paying all of her own bills. But she first needs to separate from these incredibly toxic parents. You are free to disagree - but I still stand by my experiences and know quite well that this is a bad environment for her. She's guilty of not setting her boundaries, and that's all.

[Lucky_One]

You are trying to portray yourself as a researcher or professional. For someone who has "interviewed" several women of narcisstic mothers, you have a remarkably low sample group, and you are limiting your focus to hearsay.

 

You may want to read Glennn Firebaugh's book on social research to hone your skills.

 

You are taking someone's word for fact. You are believe that a set of parents are bugging a room, have hired a PI, and have threatened to expose the OP's friends to their employers.

 

In the most basic sense, is that believable? Nope, it is not. You could actually be feeding someone's paranoid behavior by not asking her to look inside why she believes what she does, and by not asking her to look into possible motivations for her parent's actions.

[Vesna]

OMG. Until I was 41, I was beaten down - on every platform - by biological parents and siblings then step-parents and their progeny. For your own precious sanity you have to find a way to leave these ghouls. You are not living with a family, you are living with a cult. They need to get a life, especially your mother who is probably jealous of you because in her eyes you have it easier in life than she could have ever wished for. In turn she will go out of her way to sabotage any happiness you have. I'm sorry for being so blunt but your parents are monsters.

 

When you leave them, find a therapist to help you get through the damage this crap has done to your self-esteem.

[c.sxinousa]

I understand how you feel. When you said that you think your parents follow you..My parents used to drive around my college campus or call the university police when i did not respond to their calls (because they called every hour) for a 10 pm curfew. When I first got into college I was told I would be living in a dorm on campus..a week before classes started they decided it would be better for me to commute (we live 15 min away) by cancelling the housing plan.

 

I moved away for 3 years and I learned how outgoing, independent and self efficient I am.

 

Now Im back in the situation as you are, Ive been living home again for 7 months. 2 weeks ago I decided to spend the night with my boyfriend, I called to let my father know that I would not be coming home. He started yelling at me, throwing a tantrum that I had to, "come home! right now!". I cried like a baby(im 22 yrs old), not only because I was upset, but because I was embarrassed how shocked and saddened my boyfriend was as he tried to console me.

 

I realize it was a mistake to take my parents offer to move back home and thankfully am moving out next month.

 

If you are in a lot of debt you should pay it off as quickly as possible. Take care of your responsibilities then focus on the mind **** controlling parents can be. You realize as you go through it how much stronger and wiser you are than your parents.

Edited November 29, 2011 by c.sxinousa

[setsenia]

Your parents sound like my husband's parents. When he lived there at well over 18, they used to open his mail and bank statements and then yell at him about why he didn't have much money. Even several years after he moved out, they would open his mail and make it difficult for him to get it from them. The stepfather's excuse was that it came to HIS house and therefore HE can open it! I guess he's not aware that opening someone elses mail is a federal offense. His mom also controlled our wedding. Out of several thousands of dollars paid, they chip in $500 and think they own the thing. His mom would get touchy about who we wanted to invite and stuff. They still treat us like children, even though my husband is 28. I am so relieved to have them gone from our lives!

[Lurkers1983]

I agree with RiverRunning. This case is more common than people would like to believe. Even though America states that you are an adult once you turn 18, some parents just refuse to accept that belief into their family and guilt their adult children to succumb to the parents' wishes. It's usually the narcissistic and borderline parents that expect their adult offspring to be puppets. The adult child is so emotionally beaten down where they are too scared to leave, feels guilty or is brainwashed that they can't stand on their own two feet.

 

I hope the OP can also find a GOOD therapist that understands controliing parents and the effects on adult children. To the OP-you're a lot smarter and mature than you and your parents think. You can live a life independent of them. I was in your shoes once, but I now dance to my own tune.

 

It's also ironic that the only people who understand are those that have been in similar situations. Not all of us were lucky to have parents that promoted independence and separation. The ones that are skeptical of the OP are the ones who just don't know what it's like to have a parent with a personality disorder.

 

Vesna could be right that mom may be jealous of you and doesn't want to see you grow.

Edited November 30, 2011 by Lurkers1983

[D-Lish]

I can't believe a therapist would stand behind parental abuse and tell you to do as you're told in this situation.

 

If one of my friend's parents came to my door threatening, yelling, resorting to calling my work, I'd put them in their place pretty quickly- I think most people would.

 

The bottom line is that as long as you consent to stay in this situation, the problem is only going to get worse. If you want to change your circumstances, the only choice you have is to move.

[Lurkers1983]

^Neither can I, but there are a lot of bad therapists there. The therapist is probably being manipulated by the parents. The parents can cry woe and make the OP look like the problem.

 

 

I hope the OP moves too.Your parents will guilt you for moving out and will try to stop you. Hold your ground and don't back down. Get some free legal advice to deal with the other stuff you are going through.

 

There is also yahoo groups for adults being controlled by parents. Maybe they can give some tips.

[writergal]

^Neither can I, but there are a lot of bad therapists there. The therapist is probably being manipulated by the parents. The parents can cry woe and make the OP look like the problem.

 

That's so true Lurkers! I once saw a therapist who used our three sessions together to complain to ME about his dysfunctional family (which is why I was there to see him - to talk about my own and get advice). I stopped seeing that therapist after the 3rd session and reported him to my state's license board by filing a legal complaint. I hope that got him in trouble. Some people just shouldn't practice counseling when its clear he needed some himself.

 

The sad thing is that counselors are human beings too with their own problems, which ironically are the reasons they become counselors. There are some extremely well-trained and experienced counselors out there but it's hard to find them sometimes.

[TwinkletOes26]

Sounds like my paarents....my mother was controlling like that and we went to therapy and the therapist SIDED with my mother stating that pulling out knives on her husband was just a result of hormones...I finally got a job,and bought a car. Now when I want to leave I leave...she doesnt like it tought ish its MY CAR I pay for...

 

 

I would suggest that you move and get as far away as soon as you can. They wont stop and dont be fooled once you move dont get drawn back in by her being nice and apologizing....DONT FALL FOR IT. Get away and stay away.

[Sugarkane]

Sounds exactly like my parents too. I posted here and yet everybody blamed me for it. It's not like we ask for this.

[Lurkers1983]

Sounds exactly like my parents too. I posted here and yet everybody blamed me for it. It's not like we ask for this.

 

I feel you...The thing is we aren't really raised to know how to be assertive adults tnat can put our parents' feelings aside. Every family has their own little culture and set of beliefs. If the controlled adult child knew how to escape, they wouldn't be asking for help in the first place.

[LoveTKO]

For starter, if you're in your early thirties, you should have your act together to some degree as far as your finances and independence is concerned. It sounds to me that you all are manipulating each other, not just your parents manipulating you. You need to distance yourself from this den of emotional vampires and control freaks, because, if you're not careful, at the age of 55 you're going to end up having to sneak your date in through the window late at night; or they might inspect your bedsheets and underwear for incriminating evidence. Break free from the hell you're living in.

 

My mother has a bit of a controlling quality about her as well, something that is becoming more of an issue now as she ages and no longer has my late father in her life. She often wants to know about my career/money, my girlfriends, and she has a penchant for cajoling her kids into helping out my deadbeat sister. What I do is treat controlling family members like a piece of furniture by not telling them jack s***, or I act a little cryptic about my personal life just to mess with them and this drives them absolutely bonkers. I stand my ground and tell them that, when it comes to me, I decide what is their business and what isn't.