Inside my affair, insights and reflections

[Cabin]

Hi everyone,

 

It's been a while since I've posted or been on LS. I wanted to post with an update and some reflections I've been musing over in the past months.

As some of you may remember, I've been involved in an EA/PA for the past two years. My H and I have legally separated and he has bought another home. We remain amicable and cooperative. He does not know about the A. My AP is in the process of becoming legally separated from his W, but their relationship untangling in more volatile than mine was.

 

I wanted to share some of my thoughts on my affair and affairs in general (as far as I can really generalize from my own experience).

 

Please do not feel the need to reprimand or insult me for my behaviour or participation in this A. I have learned, without question, that I will never choose an A again in my life. I don't condone the lying and cheating and I know it leaves much to be desired in a person.

 

That said, I wouldnt undo having met my AP and discovering what a truly soulful connection can be.

 

He has realized that he must leave his W. I did not push or encourage him to do so, in fact I have been the one telling him to stay (because his W has made it clear she will use the children as leverage to hurt and get back at him for leaving). But he made the realization that he must leave for several reasons:

-he was never in love with her and is only wasting her time by continuing a marriage that deprives her of love

-if he stays for the children he will end up resenting her so incredibly that their relationship can never be healthy

-if he stays for the children, he will leave her once the last one is in university, and again, he'll have wasted years of her life in a marriage that never had a "forever" future

 

MM do leave their marriages, but only when they really want to. He knows that I will be understanding and supportive of him should he decide to stay where he is, but I simply won't be in his life if that is the case.

 

Our A has not been what I think might be your typical PA... it is not just about the sex or the thrill or the chase or the excitement of something new. (Don't get me wrong... the sex is FANTASTIC, but I am not talking about physical bliss here... I am talking about spiritual bliss.) Over the past two years our relationship has evolved and changed just like all relationships do as they move through infatuation into love.

 

The sneaking off to have sex, the clandestine meetings, the secrecy, the drama... all the things others claim are the highlights of the affair... those are nothing but burdens to us. We want the low-key quiet joys of real life for ourselves. We want to walk down the street holding hands. We want to go to bed together, wake up with messy hair and bad breath. We want to pay bills together and fold laundry together and sit on the porch and talk together. We have no romanticized extravagant visions of our love that make us look at our relationship through some idealized lens... we just want to be together. For the first time, we've each found someone who we can talk to for hours on hours on hours. Someone we can make love to and stare deeply into the others eyes because we both know we are at home together.

 

TBC...

[Got it]

Cabin - Mine was very similar, same reasoning, same concerns, same highs and lows.

 

It wasn't about the "fantasy" part for us. While the trips, etc were nice, what we enjoyed the most was puttering around the house, running errands together, debating topics, etc. It was and still is a pretty boring relationship and I love every minute of it. He is a simply amazing man who I am honored to spend even just a minute of my time on earth with.

[jwi71]

My AP is in the process of becoming legally separated from his W, but their relationship untangling in more volatile than mine was.

 

How is he stuck?

Not familiar with the law in your area but what is keeping him from moving forward legally? I mean filing papers, moving out, separating finances, etc.

I am always suspicious of those who say they are ready and kow they must...then do nothing.

 

I have learned, without question, that I will never choose an A again in my life. I don't condone the lying and cheating and I know it leaves much to be desired in a person.

 

But you have to realize that you ares till doing these very things...to your stbxh and still engaged in an A. Can you reconcile "not condoning lying and cheating" with your behavior?

 

He has realized that he must leave his W.

 

Then why hasn't he left yet? Not being ugly here, a true question. If he is now at the point where he knows he has to leave...why hasn't he? What more can he do to make this "easier"?

 

I did not push or encourage him to do so, in fact I have been the one telling him to stay (because his W has made it clear she will use the children as leverage to hurt and get back at him for leaving)

 

OK, I chuckled at that. Again, see this as humor and not snide...but did you tell him that in bed? You understand how disingenuous that is. Anyways, not a stab just a funny mental image I had.

 

But he made the realization that he must leave for several reasons:

-he was never in love with her and is only wasting her time by continuing a marriage that deprives her of love

-if he stays for the children he will end up resenting her so incredibly that their relationship can never be healthy

-if he stays for the children, he will leave her once the last one is in university, and again, he'll have wasted years of her life in a marriage that never had a "forever" future

 

Completely agree with that.

I just wonder/worry why, when people say they reach those conclusions, they don't act on them.

 

MM do leave their marriages, but only when they really want to

 

101% agree.

And if he doesn't, its not about you cabin. It won't be because of you or his thoughts and feelings for you nor your worth to society or him. It means that he lied about understanding that he had to leave outlined above. He can't say that and then not leave can he?

 

Be careful. Step back and let him handle it. I have no real care if you two end up or not, just that the A ends. I find them unhealthy all the way around.

[SoMovinOn]

I just wonder/worry why, when people say they reach those conclusions, they don't act on them.

 

It's not just you, but, when I see this type of sentiment expressed, I wonder what world these people live in where life is so easy, so black and white. Where an issue is just a simple thing, with no other factors involved.

 

Me & my W are done. I know that. She knows that. We will get D in the near future. ... but, there are a bunch of reasons why it hasn't happened yet, and why it won't happen until a number of other things happen.

 

Some of the other factors involved;

- The housing market tanked severely, so selling our house isn't even an option right now.

- With her not working for many years, we have financial considerations to deal with

- With her not having a full time job, she is unable to move out and support herself

- With me taking a job at considerably less pay than what I used to make, I cannot support two households (even if we could sell the house and each live in something which costs less)

- She is battling depression and alcoholism - at the very least, getting a D right now would leave her with no health insurance at a time when she very much needs it

 

Could I be a cold hearted jerk and put her out on the streets immediately, let her deal with her own problems? Sure I could. Plenty of people have told me to do exactly that. The "problem" is, I am not a cold hearted jerk. I've spent close to half my life married to this woman, and, just because we can't be M anymore, doesn't mean I quit loving her or caring about her. There is no need for me to do any less than to make this transition as easy and painless for both of us as possible.

 

If there are kids involved, it only makes that much more sense to consider everything before making a rash decision to uproot their lives in a way which will almost certainly have a lasting impact on them.

 

The idea of "Just get D!", "Just leave" is overly simplistic and ignores reality.

[jwi71]

It's not just you, but, when I see this type of sentiment expressed, I wonder what world these people live in where life is so easy, so black and white. Where an issue is just a simple thing, with no other factors involved.

 

Me & my W are done. I know that. She knows that. We will get D in the near future. ... but, there are a bunch of reasons why it hasn't happened yet, and why it won't happen until a number of other things happen.

 

Some of the other factors involved;

- The housing market tanked severely, so selling our house isn't even an option right now.

- With her not working for many years, we have financial considerations to deal with

- With her not having a full time job, she is unable to move out and support herself

- With me taking a job at considerably less pay than what I used to make, I cannot support two households (even if we could sell the house and each live in something which costs less)

- She is battling depression and alcoholism - at the very least, getting a D right now would leave her with no health insurance at a time when she very much needs it

 

Could I be a cold hearted jerk and put her out on the streets immediately, let her deal with her own problems? Sure I could. Plenty of people have told me to do exactly that. The "problem" is, I am not a cold hearted jerk. I've spent close to half my life married to this woman, and, just because we can't be M anymore, doesn't mean I quit loving her or caring about her. There is no need for me to do any less than to make this transition as easy and painless for both of us as possible.

 

If there are kids involved, it only makes that much more sense to consider everything before making a rash decision to uproot their lives in a way which will almost certainly have a lasting impact on them.

 

The idea of "Just get D!", "Just leave" is overly simplistic and ignores reality.

 

Those are valid points. And perhaps Cabin's MM is saying the same or similar.

 

And to each of you I reply:

 

Pay her alimony.

Live on less so that she might live too - at least until she gets on her feet.

For all those who say it cannot be done, I did it.

Easy, hell no.

But I had my own apartment, kept food on the table and lived.

Did I have super fancy 4000 channel cable TV? No. Basic at 19.99 / month.

I had a Go Phone - AT&T prepaid phone which cost me, on average, 10.00 a month. Because I got rid of my 80.00/month smartphone.

Did I eat brand name foods? Nope. Generic Walmart all the way. Forget eating out - unless I had a coupon.

 

I lived on 1800 a month. And paid my bills. And put food on the table. For three (two kids under 5 - and yes, only 50% custody so half the time it was just me). Because that's what unemployment pays (right after D, I was laid off).

 

My choice. I didn't have to D...but I did. And yes, I knew the layoff was coming as I had eaten a 90k pay cut. Not a typo. 90k.

 

Sorry, but when I hear people say they can't because of finances - I have doubts.

What they should say, imo, is I like my lifestyle too much to change. Im not willing to trade my cable TV and smartphone and sell my car and really trim the fat from my expenses to do it.

Materials before "happiness"/"freedom"/"true love".

 

And really, they CAN do it. Even with kids. Its just "too" hard so they don't - or maybe they are too weak.

 

I bet you SMO can do it if you REALLY wanted it. If you really trimmed your living expenses down, cut out the fluff. Can you give that up?

Now Cabin's MM I think is wealthy. He doesn't have that excuse. I wonder why he stays even though he "knows" he must leave.

 

Not to beat you down SMO...you've taken steps I didn't think you would (realize the need for D, when you first came, D was not happening). I wonder what happens if you exert yourself to leaving?

 

Put the numbers on paper....can you do it?

[bentnotbroken]

Those are valid points. And perhaps Cabin's MM is saying the same or similar.

 

And to each of you I reply:

 

Pay her alimony.

Live on less so that she might live too - at least until she gets on her feet.

For all those who say it cannot be done, I did it.

Easy, hell no.

But I had my own apartment, kept food on the table and lived.

Did I have super fancy 4000 channel cable TV? No. Basic at 19.99 / month.

I had a Go Phone - AT&T prepaid phone which cost me, on average, 10.00 a month. Because I got rid of my 80.00/month smartphone.

Did I eat brand name foods? Nope. Generic Walmart all the way. Forget eating out - unless I had a coupon.

 

I lived on 1800 a month. And paid my bills. And put food on the table. For three (two kids under 5 - and yes, only 50% custody so half the time it was just me). Because that's what unemployment pays (right after D, I was laid off).

 

My choice. I didn't have to D...but I did. And yes, I knew the layoff was coming as I had eaten a 90k pay cut. Not a typo. 90k.

 

Sorry, but when I hear people say they can't because of finances - I have doubts.

What they should say, imo, is I like my lifestyle too much to change. Im not willing to trade my cable TV and smartphone and sell my car and really trim the fat from my expenses to do it.

Materials before "happiness"/"freedom"/"true love".

 

And really, they CAN do it. Even with kids. Its just "too" hard so they don't - or maybe they are too weak.

 

I bet you SMO can do it if you REALLY wanted it. If you really trimmed your living expenses down, cut out the fluff. Can you give that up?

Now Cabin's MM I think is wealthy. He doesn't have that excuse. I wonder why he stays even though he "knows" he must leave.

 

Not to beat you down SMO...you've taken steps I didn't think you would (realize the need for D, when you first came, D was not happening). I wonder what happens if you exert yourself to leaving?

 

Put the numbers on paper....can you do it?

 

 

My sentiments also.

[Cabin]

How is he stuck?

Not familiar with the law in your area but what is keeping him from moving forward legally? I mean filing papers, moving out, separating finances, etc..

 

Separation papers have been drafted and continue to be revised. They have separated all finances and are discussing dates for him to move out.

 

Then why hasn't he left yet? Not being ugly here, a true question. If he is now at the point where he knows he has to leave...why hasn't he? What more can he do to make this "easier"?..

 

He's not going to leave the home until they have a final separation agreement signed by each of them and their lawyers. He wants to ensure his rights/access to his children is in place before he leaves.

 

OK, I chuckled at that. Again, see this as humor and not snide...but did you tell him that in bed? You understand how disingenuous that is.

 

You are poking fun of that fact that I have encouraged him to stay in his M if the relationship is worth salvaging... but I have sincerely asked him to look at our relationship, his M, his role at father, etc. from every possible angle, even those angles that would leave me a distant memory.

 

Cabin

[Cabin]

Sorry, but when I hear people say they can't because of finances - I have doubts.

What they should say, imo, is I like my lifestyle too much to change. Im not willing to trade my cable TV and smartphone and sell my car and really trim the fat from my expenses to do it.

Materials before "happiness"/"freedom"/"true love".

 

Now Cabin's MM I think is wealthy. He doesn't have that excuse. I wonder why he stays even though he "knows" he must leave.

 

 

He has never used finances as an excuse to stay in his M. He is not wealthy, but certainly comfortable. I too generate a pretty decent income and do not need his finances to live a good quality of life.

 

For my AP, the issue is and always has been his children and preserving his relationship with them.

[MissBee]

Those are valid points. And perhaps Cabin's MM is saying the same or similar.

 

And to each of you I reply:

 

Pay her alimony.

Live on less so that she might live too - at least until she gets on her feet.

For all those who say it cannot be done, I did it.

Easy, hell no.

But I had my own apartment, kept food on the table and lived.

Did I have super fancy 4000 channel cable TV? No. Basic at 19.99 / month.

I had a Go Phone - AT&T prepaid phone which cost me, on average, 10.00 a month. Because I got rid of my 80.00/month smartphone.

Did I eat brand name foods? Nope. Generic Walmart all the way. Forget eating out - unless I had a coupon.

 

I lived on 1800 a month. And paid my bills. And put food on the table. For three (two kids under 5 - and yes, only 50% custody so half the time it was just me). Because that's what unemployment pays (right after D, I was laid off).

 

My choice. I didn't have to D...but I did. And yes, I knew the layoff was coming as I had eaten a 90k pay cut. Not a typo. 90k.

 

Sorry, but when I hear people say they can't because of finances - I have doubts.

What they should say, imo, is I like my lifestyle too much to change. Im not willing to trade my cable TV and smartphone and sell my car and really trim the fat from my expenses to do it.

Materials before "happiness"/"freedom"/"true love".

 

And really, they CAN do it. Even with kids. Its just "too" hard so they don't - or maybe they are too weak.

 

I bet you SMO can do it if you REALLY wanted it. If you really trimmed your living expenses down, cut out the fluff. Can you give that up?

Now Cabin's MM I think is wealthy. He doesn't have that excuse. I wonder why he stays even though he "knows" he must leave.

 

Not to beat you down SMO...you've taken steps I didn't think you would (realize the need for D, when you first came, D was not happening). I wonder what happens if you exert yourself to leaving?

 

Put the numbers on paper....can you do it?

 

I don't even think the problem is about divorcing right away or not...I think the problem is having an affair secretly while waiting to divorce.

 

I have given the example of a friend of mine who had a live-in gf. He decided that they can no longer be in a relationship; however, they still live together (in separate rooms) for the complicated reasons of life cited: doesn't want to break the lease, she lost her job, both of them needing to sort some stuff out etc. The difference is: they know they are no longer romantically together and exclusive, even though for now, they still live under the same roof and they are amicable. Neither she nor he are under any impression that they are still in a relationship. At one point she was upset and jealous and wanted to get back together with him, and all that kind of drama that is usually inevitable in a breakup, esp one where you still live together; but there aren't any lies and going through great depths to pretend like one is still with that person.

 

He dates other people and they agreed to just not bring people to the house and discuss their dating lives with each other. He doesn't flaunt people in her face nor she in his but it is understood that they are not a couple and therefore are not exclusive. That to me is what the issue is: does your spouse KNOW you are no longer romantically involved with them, plan to divorce them, and for now, you're just waiting to do so (and with that it is possible you see other people) OR are they under the impression that you are very much still their loving spouse? The more sinister affairs are the latter, in which if the BS is confronted it would truly be a shock, as this person has been carrying on as if nothing is wrong versus a BS who has had the divorce talk, who is waiting for divorce, who is truly just a roommate and who expects that very soon they won't be together. I am sure you will still feel bad if your spouse is seeing other people (even if you're divorcing) but if your situation is like that...it would be expected at least.

 

That's what being transparent and honest is about IMO. It isn't about talking to everyone else but your spouse about your relationship problems or having secret affairs. Transparency and honesty don't completely take away hurt or jealousy...most marriages/relationships dissolving will contain that, even if mutual, but at the end of the day, if it is done in that transparent manner, when one looks back one can admit that this person did not lie to you or go to great lengths to hide the truth and completely side swipe you. Whereas a spouse who is two-faced, who is having an affair but acting like nothing is wrong or doesn't actually discuss the marriage and where it is going upfront until dday, or is planning an exit and planning to divorce while having an affair for years but never actually discussing said plans, is less palatable.

Edited November 6, 2011 by MissBee

[Barrsitter]

Cabin said

 

"The sneaking off to have sex, the clandestine meetings, the secrecy, the drama... all the things others claim are the highlights of the affair... those are nothing but burdens to us. We want the low-key quiet joys of real life for ourselves. We want to walk down the street holding hands. We want to go to bed together, wake up with messy hair and bad breath. We want to pay bills together and fold laundry together and sit on the porch and talk together. We have no romanticized extravagant visions of our love that make us look at our relationship through some idealized lens... we just want to be together. For the first time, we've each found someone who we can talk to for hours on hours on hours. Someone we can make love to and stare deeply into the others eyes because we both know we are at home together."

 

That described my R with my xMM to a tee but alas, he is still with his W for reasons only he knows. I bailed 3 weeks ago and have never looked back.

 

JW made a great point also - that MMs do leave their M when they really want to. Words are very cheap in the EA-game. Very, very cheap as I found out. Actions really do speak, people.

[Silly_Girl]

Cabin, your posts and your thought processes (that you've shared) feel familiar to me. It is a hard position to be in. I remember getting some info on marriage counselling for my boyfriend, so I didn't think there was anything disingenuous about the comment another poster seemed to have an issue with.

 

When you're in it together like that, searching for a way forward, wanting the best for everyone - overall, it means all the scenarios need to be considered. You just can't keep blinkers on during this time, or close your mind to anything.

 

It's good that he and his wife are at a stage of discussing practical matters, hard though that may be. It must be a difficult time for him, and ergo, for you too. I hope things go well.

[woinlove]

He has never used finances as an excuse to stay in his M. He is not wealthy, but certainly comfortable. I too generate a pretty decent income and do not need his finances to live a good quality of life.

 

For my AP, the issue is and always has been his children and preserving his relationship with them.

 

From the things you have said about MM, I would guess that his strongest feelings are to be seen to be a good father. Just 6 or 7 months ago, and already 18 months into affair, he was described as having love for his wife because she was such a wonderful mother. Meanwhile, he wasn't being a wonderful father because he had lied to his family for over a year, taken time and thoughts away for his own separate romantic life, went through the charade of counselling while lying about the entire situation of where he was at and who he loved.

 

Now he claims this woman who was described as nice and a wonderful mother, mere months ago, suddenly doesn't care enough about her own children and will use them as a weapon unless he continues to lie and deceive for some months more. Just doesn't add up. On one hand we have a man who is capable of leading a double life and deceiving many people to preserve his own false self-image and on the other hand we have the woman who he has deceived all that time and is no doubt trying to make sense of things that make no sense whatsoever. I think you gave us the reason for his actions in your earlier post:

 

He is fiercely protective of not having our relationship held up to the scrutiny and judgement of an "affair" as he feels this is much more than an illicit romance.

 

I suspect that is closer to the real reason for his actions and behavior. It seems that it is more about him, than anyone else, including his children. Think about it. It doesn't add up and you know he is capable of deep deception. You need to be able to make your own analysis because this MM is likely to cast things in a way to make himself look good, whether that is true or not.

[Silly_Girl]

Now he claims this woman who was described as nice and a wonderful mother, mere months ago, suddenly doesn't care enough about her own children and will use them as a weapon unless he continues to lie and deceive for some months more. Just doesn't add up.

 

Dignified, loving and heretofore devoted parents can turn in to monsters if their family life/relationships with their kids is threatened. Good upstanding members of the community do afwul, ridiculous things. Maybe she is lashing out at the circumstances.

[East7]

I lived on 1800 a month. And paid my bills. And put food on the table. For three (two kids under 5 - and yes, only 50% custody so half the time it was just me). Because that's what unemployment pays (right after D, I was laid off).

 

My choice. I didn't have to D...but I did. And yes, I knew the layoff was coming as I had eaten a 90k pay cut. Not a typo. 90k.

 

Sorry, but when I hear people say they can't because of finances - I have doubts.

What they should say, imo, is I like my lifestyle too much to change. Im not willing to trade my cable TV and smartphone and sell my car and really trim the fat from my expenses to do it.

Materials before "happiness"/"freedom"/"true love".

 

And really, they CAN do it. Even with kids. Its just "too" hard so they don't - or maybe they are too weak.

 

Wow Jwi71...All my respect !

 

I wished my xMW was like you. I know she is not happy, but she is too attached to her comfort and too weak to make any change. Too bad for her because now I don't care anymore whether she stays or she moves.

[woinlove]

Dignified, loving and heretofore devoted parents can turn in to monsters if their family life/relationships with their kids is threatened. Good upstanding members of the community do afwul, ridiculous things. Maybe she is lashing out at the circumstances.

 

I'm not sure -- being a loving, devoted parent to 3 children over years is something that really becomes part of your being. Let's hope your suggestion is wrong and that she hasn't turned into a monster, since there are 3 young children involved who need at least one parent willing to keep their interests forefront.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I am still suspicious of the many, many rationalizations and justifications that enable your relationship to continue, after 2 years, to be an "affair" rather than another type of union.

 

Also, of the ongoing mantle of secrecy, including yours towards your own estranged husband.

 

I am not being snarky - this is a sincere question. If / when the AP leaves his wife, will the two of you pretend to "begin" dating at that point?

 

I swear, I could NOT do it. I'm not coming from a morally righteous place with this. I just could not maintain a huge construct of deception on so many levels, with such an eternity ahead of the same. Having a "secret illicit affair" is one thing, but leaving your husband, working together, taking years to extricate from something with utter and perfect calculation in order to pretend to start dating at some future point, maybe years away - I couldn't. Not because I'm morally superior, but basically because I'd surely just blow at some point.

 

For me, it would probably have been the breaking point for the secretive stuff when I left my own husband for the other man.

 

I can't relate, obviously.

[Cabin]

Just 6 or 7 months ago, and already 18 months into affair, he was described as having love for his wife because she was such a wonderful mother.

 

Now he claims this woman who was described as nice and a wonderful mother, mere months ago, suddenly doesn't care enough about her own children and will use them as a weapon unless he continues to lie and deceive for some months more. Just doesn't add up.

 

She has been a loyal and devoted and loving mother -- how she is behaving now does not negate that fact.

 

But now, due to her own pain, she is using the only pull she has with him by threatening to never let him see his children, threatening to tell them what a horrible man he is and always has been (which, of course, begs the question 'why did you marry him?' and 'why do you still want to be married to him?'...)

 

She is positioning him as the enemy and beginning the narrative that says "your dad is leaving US" as opposed to "your dad is leaving ME".

 

What she is unable to realize - again, I understand it is because of her own very ripe pain - is that she will harm her children by casting him as a father who didn't love them and didn't want them and so he left them.

[Cabin]

Dignified, loving and heretofore devoted parents can turn in to monsters if their family life/relationships with their kids is threatened. Good upstanding members of the community do afwul, ridiculous things. Maybe she is lashing out at the circumstances.

 

Sillygirl, I appreciate your ability to see shades of grey where others see only black and white.

 

She is a devoted mom, but a hurting one. She is losing the only serious relationship she ever had, and I believe this is her first experience with heartbreak.

[woinlove]

She has been a loyal and devoted and loving mother -- how she is behaving now does not negate that fact.

 

But now, due to her own pain, she is using the only pull she has with him by threatening to never let him see his children, threatening to tell them what a horrible man he is and always has been (which, of course, begs the question 'why did you marry him?' and 'why do you still want to be married to him?'...)

 

She is positioning him as the enemy and beginning the narrative that says "your dad is leaving US" as opposed to "your dad is leaving ME".

 

What she is unable to realize - again, I understand it is because of her own very ripe pain - is that she will harm her children by casting him as a father who didn't love them and didn't want them and so he left them.

 

As a mother, I can't quite imagine this change. On the other hand, I also can't imagine what it is like to have one's H, and the father of one's 3 young child, lie for 2 years and create a false reality. It could be enough to drive one crazy. Perhaps one day she will get enough truth to put the pieces together and regain some sounder footing -- which will benefit the children.

[Mme. Chaucer]

WHY do you and he think it's "better" to lie than to tell the truth to the spouses?

 

Truly, I think it might be easier and more fair to them - well, to his wife, as your husband seems to have moved on completely seamlessly - to be told the truth: that her husband is in love with someone else.

 

Why is it preferable to pretend that he's just leaving her … because she is unloveable? Because he's been "living a lie"?

 

Why is the fake story better than the truth, now that no marriages are trying to be saved?

[Barrsitter]

East said:

 

"I wished my xMW was like you. I know she is not happy, but she is too attached to her comfort and too weak to make any change. Too bad for her because now I don't care anymore whether she stays or she moves."

 

East nailed it. Attachment to comfort, not wanting to walk through fire, attachment to assets.

 

The longer I am out of my R with xMM, the less I believe what the MM/MWs all say.... they are so unhappy in their M, or not getting enough sex, or they've thought about you for a hundred years, or they can't stop thinking about you and "we'll have our day", etc., etc., etc.

 

Blah. Blah. Blah.

 

These MM and MW need to put their money where their mouth is or shut the hell up.

[despicableME]

These MM and MW need to put their money where their mouth is or shut the hell up.

 

Or maybe they just don't feel the same way you do for them. Remember, cheating is based on deception... who's to say they(your AP) aren't lying to you too about their situation at home. Just a thought.

 

Oh... by the way, I'm a WS/WH.

[Barrsitter]

despicable...all cheaters lie about something. That's why they are called cheaters.

[despicableME]

^Exactly my point. I lied to my AP at times.

[jwi71]

For my AP, the issue is and always has been his children and preserving his relationship with them.

 

Here's the thing...his relationship with his kids has nothing to do with being D.

 

Not. One. Thing.

 

What is he saying is "I don't want to miss one second". But if we think about it, its baloney.

 

No parent is ever there 24 x 7. Ever. Even in nuclear families, how much time is REALLY spent with the kids? You know, after the chores and bills and getting home and the kids activities and etc? Not as much as one thinks.

 

I would be vary wary of anyone who says they need more time to separate for the kids. Because there is nothing more to do other than simply leave. You can't make it any easier on anyone. Its HIS choice to leave them (via D, not in the abandonment sense but in the no longer at home sense) now he simply has to act. I get it. I lived it too. But leaving is leaving and dragging it out only hurts everyone. Just go and start a new normal.

 

(And in Texas, abandonment requires one calendar year of living apart and ZERO communication. Not sure what it is in your state...)

 

Just be careful.

 

And, my point on the "stay with your wife talk in bed" bit was its seriously dishonest to say such - you want him to be with you. So say it. Don't say one thing whilst secretly wishing for another. That's my point.