Inside my affair, insights and reflections

[woinlove]

I see your point. But the question still remains -- how do you make this right?

 

What do you mean by make this right? Cabin and MM want to end up together without anyone knowing how/when they got together and to have as little fallout from that as possible. Do you mean how do they achieve that? Or do you mean we should question whether that is the right or wrong goal?

 

What is it you want to make right?

[nofool4u]

Dignified, loving and heretofore devoted parents can turn in to monsters if their family life/relationships with their kids is threatened. Good upstanding members of the community do afwul, ridiculous things. Maybe she is lashing out at the circumstances.

 

Dignified loving and devoted parents can become angry and turn into what you perceive as a monster, when they have been emotionally abused. Thats what cheating does. Back someone into a corner, expect them to come out swinging.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Well! It's been about a month since the latest :love:"True Romance: Inside My Affair" report.

 

Any closer to the big reveal yet? Or still maintaining secrecy in order to keep all financial and familial issues sequestered from the other interested parties until all the ducks are aligned just perfectly for when the rug is dramatically yanked away?

[despicableME]

Anyway, having owned that I was in a self serving situation, I would realize that I was not in the position to be the arbiter of what would be good or bad, or to be in ultimate, complete control of dispensing truth to the (at least) six other people intimately involved in this particular geometric formation (not a triangle!) besides cabin and married guy.

 

 

 

Exactly, Chaucer... who are we to determine the fate of out spouses. That's one of the reasons I came clean. It's TOTALLY selfish. They have the right to know the truth... at least give them that.

[Mme. Chaucer]

One thing I have learned from just a very few contributors to this forum: what it's like "INSIDE" a person who seems to only be able to connect with exactly what they want and how to go about having that, and for whom even the concepts of empathy or accountability with regards to other people influenced by their actions are not real.

 

I have asked time and time again: WHY? But there is no answer, ever. If I ask in the wrong words, I get reported.

 

Is this behavior sociopathic? It really does seem as if the spouses, children, extended families, co-workers don't even really exist. Well, maybe they don't really exist.

 

I am NOT bashing all the people who are, have had, or might soon be having affairs. I'm not bashing anyone. The ones I am talking about are quite rare.

[despicableME]

One thing I have learned from just a very few contributors to this forum: what it's like "INSIDE" a person who seems to only be able to connect with exactly what they want and how to go about having that, and for whom even the concepts of empathy or accountability with regards to other people influenced by their actions are not real.

 

I have asked time and time again: WHY? But there is no answer, ever. If I ask in the wrong words, I get reported.

 

Is this behavior sociopathic? It really does seem as if the spouses, children, extended families, co-workers don't even really exist. Well, maybe they don't really exist.

 

I am NOT bashing all the people who are, have had, or might soon be having affairs. I'm not bashing anyone. The ones I am talking about are quite rare

 

As a cheater myself, I'm not offended about honest insight from fellow posters. While some do tend to project, I hear what they're saying, being at the recieving end of our misdeeds. Its those that can't face the fact that they've wronged someone in probably the most heinous way possible that take issue with this. They need to step-up to the plate and face their demons head-on in order to learn from these mistakes.

[frozensprouts]

One thing I have learned from just a very few contributors to this forum: what it's like "INSIDE" a person who seems to only be able to connect with exactly what they want and how to go about having that, and for whom even the concepts of empathy or accountability with regards to other people influenced by their actions are not real.

 

I have asked time and time again: WHY? But there is no answer, ever. If I ask in the wrong words, I get reported.

 

Is this behavior sociopathic? It really does seem as if the spouses, children, extended families, co-workers don't even really exist. Well, maybe they don't really exist.

 

I am NOT bashing all the people who are, have had, or might soon be having affairs. I'm not bashing anyone. The ones I am talking about are quite rare.

 

 

years ago, i took a course from a prof. who's area of expertise was sociopathy (anti social personality disorder). he said that, in his study of people who fit that definition, he found that, to most of them, other people/objects/living things somehow aren't "real' and do not exist in the same sense that they themselves do. Contrary to popular belief, he felt that they are the ultimate in empaths, and can easily sense the feelings and emotions in others and use this to their advantage.

 

this does not mean they care about others in any other capacity than that can use them for their own ends. This is true in every aspect of their lives, not just romantic relationships ( he felt that people like this tend to do very well in businesses where concern for others is a liability)

[despicableME]

^What you're basically saying is that they've been desensitized to it all.

[NoIDidn't]

One thing I have learned from just a very few contributors to this forum: what it's like "INSIDE" a person who seems to only be able to connect with exactly what they want and how to go about having that, and for whom even the concepts of empathy or accountability with regards to other people influenced by their actions are not real.

 

I have asked time and time again: WHY? But there is no answer, ever. If I ask in the wrong words, I get reported.

 

Is this behavior sociopathic? It really does seem as if the spouses, children, extended families, co-workers don't even really exist. Well, maybe they don't really exist.

 

I am NOT bashing all the people who are, have had, or might soon be having affairs. I'm not bashing anyone. The ones I am talking about are quite rare.

 

Perhaps the bolded is true. This is the internet, after all.

[Severely Unamused]

One thing I have learned from just a very few contributors to this forum: what it's like "INSIDE" a person who seems to only be able to connect with exactly what they want and how to go about having that, and for whom even the concepts of empathy or accountability with regards to other people influenced by their actions are not real.

 

Is this behavior sociopathic? It really does seem as if the spouses, children, extended families, co-workers don't even really exist. Well, maybe they don't really exist.

 

There is one particular WH (go on, take a guess) on the infidelity board that is most likely a genuine sociopath...he isn't very subtle about it.

 

I don't have the qualifications to diagnose him. But he does have a lot of the traits of a sociopath...I can see that just from the content of his posts.

 

^What you're basically saying is that they've been desensitized to it all.

That is an excellent way to put it. They just don't care about other people (hence the lack of a conscience), except as tools to be manipulated (although, some sociopaths can show a very selective ability to care, usually to children and/or close family members. Sometimes to animals). They feel a constant emptiness on the inside that is comparable to a deep depression, even though they aren't depressed, and that is why they are largely driven by impulse-gratification. Well, that's what one particular sociopath told me.

 

If you have ever had a child, perhaps you have noticed that babies display many sociopathic traits (maybe you were too distracted by their cuteness). Unsuprising since their brains aren't fully developed yet. That is one way to look at a sociopath: A baby that never grew up.

[beenburned]

I think for the majority of cheaters that don't revel the truth to their spouses, kids, parents, friends, etc is simply because they DON'T want to SUFFER the consequences of their actions! Some even continue to lie years after their divorce.

 

But for the ones that don't tell BEFORE the divorce, it might just be for financial benefits!

 

In my state, adultery is a considered fault in division of all assets, including alimony.( up to 60/40)

 

Not to mention a hurt angry BS is likely to make your life miserable when they learn how you lied and deceived them.

 

I see not telling as simply MORE SELFISH behavior on the part of the cheating spouse.

[jj33]

East said:

 

These MM and MW need to put their money where their mouth is or shut the hell up.

 

Applause.

 

Despicable Me you sound exactly like the man with whom I was involved. I'd say you were him but pigs would fly before he would ever post on an internet forum. I suspect there is a little bit of rewriting of history in your recounting of how it was coloured now by how you view the "heinous" character of your actions

 

And Cabin congratulations i am glad things are moving forward for you

[findingnemo]

Those are valid points. And perhaps Cabin's MM is saying the same or similar.

 

And to each of you I reply:

 

Pay her alimony.

Live on less so that she might live too - at least until she gets on her feet.

For all those who say it cannot be done, I did it.

Easy, hell no.

But I had my own apartment, kept food on the table and lived.

Did I have super fancy 4000 channel cable TV? No. Basic at 19.99 / month.

I had a Go Phone - AT&T prepaid phone which cost me, on average, 10.00 a month. Because I got rid of my 80.00/month smartphone.

Did I eat brand name foods? Nope. Generic Walmart all the way. Forget eating out - unless I had a coupon.

 

I lived on 1800 a month. And paid my bills. And put food on the table. For three (two kids under 5 - and yes, only 50% custody so half the time it was just me). Because that's what unemployment pays (right after D, I was laid off).

 

My choice. I didn't have to D...but I did. And yes, I knew the layoff was coming as I had eaten a 90k pay cut. Not a typo. 90k.

 

Sorry, but when I hear people say they can't because of finances - I have doubts.

What they should say, imo, is I like my lifestyle too much to change. Im not willing to trade my cable TV and smartphone and sell my car and really trim the fat from my expenses to do it.

Materials before "happiness"/"freedom"/"true love".

 

And really, they CAN do it. Even with kids. Its just "too" hard so they don't - or maybe they are too weak.

 

I bet you SMO can do it if you REALLY wanted it. If you really trimmed your living expenses down, cut out the fluff. Can you give that up?

Now Cabin's MM I think is wealthy. He doesn't have that excuse. I wonder why he stays even though he "knows" he must leave.

 

Not to beat you down SMO...you've taken steps I didn't think you would (realize the need for D, when you first came, D was not happening). I wonder what happens if you exert yourself to leaving?

 

Put the numbers on paper....can you do it?

 

I love your posts!! Very hard hitting but always wise.

 

I was totally convinced by your points. The bolded part however is IMO a very valid reason not to D. I personally wouldn't have liked my lifestyle to change. I worked for it and would have fought hard to keep it had it not been for the violence. The fear of living in poverty is real. I'm almost going crazy with worry every day. I lost everything in a bid to get away. I know that some of my friends will think twice and remember what I've been through before opting for D. It's sad but it's a reality.

 

Regarding the OP, I really hope your AP leaves his M as he says he will.

[donnamaybe]

I love your posts!! Very hard hitting but always wise.

 

I was totally convinced by your points. The bolded part however is IMO a very valid reason not to D. I personally wouldn't have liked my lifestyle to change.

And shouldn't it be the AP's right to know this right away and not, say, five or ten years into the A?