Inside my affair, insights and reflections

[Cabin]

You, in my understanding, are taking me to task because I claimed you wanted to be with him and that saying otherwise is a lie. Its all right there in black and white.

 

But you have, and I would say you have maintained a consistent message, of wanting TO be with him. Even making plans with him to this affect. I must be confused.

 

You make plans to be with him even though that's not in your heart?

If you are still making plans to be with him, why say the opposite?

Or maybe you no longer plan to be with him. Is that it? What changed?

How did you go from making plans to be together (which implies a level of desire) to no longer caring?

 

It's probably as difficult for me to address your very polarized opinions/black and white thinking as it is for you to address to dualities that honestly exist in my thoughts.

 

I do want to be with him and spend my life with him. I do love him. I have made moves to make a legitimate life with him possible, and I intend to be with him if he is free to be with me. All of that is true.

 

What is also true is that I love him enough to lose him if it is better for him to stay where he is and make his M work.

 

And if he chooses to stay, decides that he can have a relationship worth keeping where he is, then I will fix my broken heart over time and be optimistic about future relationships with others.

 

I don't know that I can explain it any more clearly.

 

Can't you see that when you love someone, you can want what is best for them even if it disagrees with your own heart's desires?

[Silly_Girl]

It's probably as difficult for me to address your very polarized opinions/black and white thinking as it is for you to address to dualities that honestly exist in my thoughts.

 

I do want to be with him and spend my life with him. I do love him. I have made moves to make a legitimate life with him possible, and I intend to be with him if he is free to be with me. All of that is true.

 

What is also true is that I love him enough to lose him if it is better for him to stay where he is and make his M work.

 

And if he chooses to stay, decides that he can have a relationship worth keeping where he is, then I will fix my broken heart over time and be optimistic about future relationships with others.

 

I don't know that I can explain it any more clearly.

 

Can't you see that when you love someone, you can want what is best for them even if it disagrees with your own heart's desires?

 

I think you are my forum twin!!

 

Seriously, I completely understand. Keep an open mind and be authentic, I really think you will be fine, fine, fine.

[Cabin]

I wonder what is really going on with MM. He previously said he loved his wife for being a great mother and now he describes her as a horrible mother.

 

It's important to make this distinction: while he has always praised her for being a devoted and loving mother, he didn't love her romantically for it.

 

This is something that came out in my MC, and his, and several books I have read on the topic. Many married people try to mix loving your spouse for who they are as a parent with loving your spouse with who they are as a spouse, and it doesn't work.

 

You can think your spouse is the best parent on the planet, but that doesn't create or keep the intimate connection of husband and wife.

 

And he isn't describing her as a horrible mother now... what she is doing and saying, out of hurt, are not healthy for the children.

[jwi71]

It's probably as difficult for me to address your very polarized opinions/black and white thinking as it is for you to address to dualities that honestly exist in my thoughts.

 

The world is nothing but shades of grey, whose very shade of grey depends upon one's circumstance.

 

However, boundaries ARE black and white otherwise they are not boundaries but rather useful excuses to alter one's behavior or belief to suit one's current goal.

 

I do want to be with him and spend my life with him. I do love him. I have made moves to make a legitimate life with him possible, and I intend to be with him if he is free to be with me. All of that is true.

 

What is also true is that I love him enough to lose him if it is better for him to stay where he is and make his M work.

 

And if he chooses to stay, decides that he can have a relationship worth keeping where he is, then I will fix my broken heart over time and be optimistic about future relationships with others.

 

I don't know that I can explain it any more clearly.

 

Can't you see that when you love someone, you can want what is best for them even if it disagrees with your own heart's desires?

 

Yes Cabin, I understand what you say. Always have.

 

YOU fail to understand me.

 

I find it very hard for anyone to truly counsel a MM/MW when they are in love with them, want a future with them and actively plan for such to happen. You cannot, with any degree of sincerity and integrity, want that and, with equal sincerity, wish for him to stay with his wife.

 

Which is what you are saying.

 

Its bogus. Your advice is always colored by the other side of your want - each weakening the other:

 

If you counsel him to stay, and that you will be truly happy for him, then you cannot also truly want him for yourself.

 

If you counsel him to leave, you cannot also want him to remain married if its what he wants.

 

You are painting a picture of loving him MORE than yourself. And that's a bad place to be - especially in an A.

 

Know what you want, communicate it clearly and consistently and WORK towards it. Do not confuse "the issue" by also stating you are equally happy FOR HIM if he remains M. When you say that, you cast doubt upon YOUR feelings for him. And when you say "Be with me" you cast doubt on "I'll be happy for you if you don't leave".

 

That's my point. At least, its hard for me to reconcile the two.

[despicableME]

What is also true is that I love him enough to lose him if it is better for him to stay where he is and make his M work.

 

I will fix my broken heart over time and be optimistic about future relationships with others.

 

 

If I may ask... Would this "other" person(if you were to move on) only serve as a replacement for this OM(your TRUE love) you speak of? What I mean is- Would you STILL be pining for this man, if he were to stay with his wife? I ask this because you've made it abundantly clear that there is no other that is as compatible with you. Given the experience(s) you have shared with OM- physical, emotional, spiritual- how can ANYONE possibly compete with this so-called life-altering experience. It just seems that if you were to move on without HIM... a new relationship is DOOMED to fail because of this very thing.

Edited November 10, 2011 by despicableME

[Severely Unamused]

From what cabin has posted about MM, I get the impression that he feels that way. I don't think there is much to be gained by being honest for such a person. One can work to manage the outer image to one's liking and spend what time one can privately in another persona. I think some people live their whole life that way.

 

If two such people find each other, maybe it is a suitable match. Although for some it will only work as long as the other isn't excluding them from what is underneath. People with a double life in that sense (outer image and underneath persona) may be attracted to others with the same trait, but usually don't want to later end up on the public-only side of the other's double life.

 

In this particular case, I get the impression MM is the one controlling what information will get out when. MM appears to have a story line (never loved his W in the romantic sense, he just married the wrong woman, and now has true love which doesn't deserve the reaction it would get if people knew the truth) that does not require him to change - particularly if the truth doesn't come out and both Cabin and MM seem quite committed to that path.

 

The bolded is why I believe that there is a good chance that this affair will end on a relatively positive note for Cabin and her MM...at least in the short-term. Of course, the MM may very well be an excellent actor (IMO he certainly isn't a poor actor) with diverging motives. That isn't so hard to believe either.

 

When it comes down to it, if one considers their outward appearance to be of greater value than their "inner self", than that person would gain very little by being honest. Dishonesty allows an individual to maintain a superficial level of control over their social environment (and/or it allows them to manipulate the views that permeate through a social environment). Honesty would lead to a loss of control, and would allow other individuals in the social environment to formulate opinions with "more of the facts".

 

And that is why they will continue to lie, and why they believe that lying is in their best interests. What I'm trying to say is...Cabin and her MM have a sh*t load of chemistry in this area. Whether or not this particular chemistry is healthy or beneficial for Cabin...is another story.

 

one could argue that the children will never knew that their relationship started out as an affair, but I really wonder if that's true.

 

That's what it boils down to doesn't it? To the children, this fiction will be far more relevant than reality. In fact, fiction may be preferable to reality depending on the circumstances.

Edited November 10, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[despicableME]

*Duplicate*........................................................................

Edited November 10, 2011 by despicableME

[Severely Unamused]

I've ALWAYS had a problem with this thought process-- NO ONE ever has ALL the right "stuff." There are certain deficiencies/defects in said person that only surface when we are well past the fantasy part of it. In my situation, I could say she and I were "two peas in a pod"... I mean... we worked in the same field(I did the leg work, while she did the research); we were interested in/studied similar subjects in college; we were very socially aware and voiced our opinions on the subject- not to mention that the physical aspect of it was pretty intense. I could go on and on, but I didn't let myself fall for her the way she did for me. I knew what "this" was from the get-go... I was under the impression she was on the same page. See... no one initially goes into an affair with the intent of leaving their own spouse with said person.

 

Okay.

 

But Cabin and her MM certainly have "chemistry" in one area: Their mutual capabilities of dishonesty (which is what I meant) don't they?

 

This overly complex plan wouldn't have been initiated if they didn't have chemistry in that area. Nor would they have lasted so long if they weren't as good at lying as they are.

Edited November 10, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[Mme. Chaucer]

Okay.

 

But Cabin and her MM certainly have "chemistry" in one area: Their mutual capabilities of dishonesty (which is what I meant) don't they?

 

This overly complex plan wouldn't have been initiated if they didn't have chemistry in that area. Nor would they have lasted so long if they weren't as good at lying as they are.

 

It seems that the very heart of this relationship is the deceit.

 

If this were ever removed - what would be left?

 

I'm still unsure why the lying is continued now that Cabin's husband has been ousted and the AP's wife and he are working on a separation agreement. Could it be that this relationship needs the cloak of deception to exist at all?

 

You asked what Cabin could gain from being honest. If Cabin is addicted to the "romance" of a clandestine relationship, and that's what is being served with this affair, I guess, nothing.

 

If I were in that situation, though, and I really loved the man, once I'd come to the point of having the spouses out of the way I would be so relieved to be able to come out of the closet. Also, I can't imagine having the wherewithal to pretend to start dating a person with whom I'd been "in love" for years, just to maintain deceit … for what? So she'll need to lie to her child and his children for their lifetimes? For what? Just because they seem to maybe get off on the "secret" and having "forbidden love"?

 

Also, I think that it would be kinder for all the other people involved if the truth could be known - especially for the wife, who evidently is just being told she was never loved and given no other reason for being dumped at all.

[woinlove]

It seems that the very heart of this relationship is the deceit.

 

If this were ever removed - what would be left?

 

I'm still unsure why the lying is continued now that Cabin's husband has been ousted and the AP's wife and he are working on a separation agreement. Could it be that this relationship needs the cloak of deception to exist at all?

 

You asked what Cabin could gain from being honest. If Cabin is addicted to the "romance" of a clandestine relationship, and that's what is being served with this affair, I guess, nothing.

 

If I were in that situation, though, and I really loved the man, once I'd come to the point of having the spouses out of the way I would be so relieved to be able to come out of the closet. Also, I can't imagine having the wherewithal to pretend to start dating a person with whom I'd been "in love" for years, just to maintain deceit … for what? So she'll need to lie to her child and his children for their lifetimes? For what? Just because they seem to maybe get off on the "secret" and having "forbidden love"?

 

Also, I think that it would be kinder for all the other people involved if the truth could be known - especially for the wife, who evidently is just being told she was never loved and given no other reason for being dumped at all.

 

Like you, I can't imagine being in and maintaining this level of deceit. But Cabin obviously is. I also can't imagine having three children with someone I didn't love. But MM did. SU correctly points out that Cabin and MM are carrying out quite a complex plan and that in itself implies a match or chemistry. I think the 4 children even know each other already and the plan is that one day they will know each other in a different way. Presumably that is still a year or two away.

[Severely Unamused]

It seems that the very heart of this relationship is the deceit.

 

If this were ever removed - what would be left?

I would say that it is quite the opposite actually. Presumably there is romance, passion, chemistry, and all that love cr*p deep in the center of all of this (at least on Cabin's side). It just happens to be surrounded by an "outer crust" of lies.

 

What makes this so interesting...is that through their immense dishonesty, they are fostering an image of humble honesty and quaint beginnings (it is most likely that Cabin will eventually want this illusion to become reality). And yet, at the same time, random anonymous people on the internet are receiving more heartfelt honesty about her dishonesty, than many of the people that know her IRL. It's a curious dichotomy.

 

It's also fascinating to see the number of personas that an individual has. The number of different faces that are juggled around through day-to-day activities. The almost Inception-ish way that people can choose to live their lives (except that nobody is dreaming of course).

 

Yep. I'm a giant dork.

 

Anyway have you seriously thought about all that and the stress and strain it will create for you?

Well, she seems to be doing a pretty good job so far.

[bentnotbroken]

I would say that it is quite the opposite actually. Presumably there is romance, passion, chemistry, and all that love cr*p deep in the center of all of this (at least on Cabin's side). It just happens to be surrounded by an "outer crust" of lies.

 

What makes this so interesting...is that through their immense dishonesty, they are fostering an image of humble honesty and quaint beginnings (it is most likely that Cabin will eventually want this illusion to become reality). And yet, at the same time, random anonymous people on the internet are receiving more heartfelt honesty about her dishonesty, than many of the people that know her IRL. It's a curious dichotomy.

 

It's also fascinating to see the number of personas that an individual has. The number of different faces that are juggled around through day-to-day activities. The almost Inception-ish way that people can choose to live their lives (except that nobody is dreaming of course).

 

Yep. I'm a giant dork.

 

Well, she seems to be doing a pretty good job so far.

 

 

And based only on what she posts, she appears to quite good and comfortable with it.

[xxoo]

Can't you see that when you love someone, you can want what is best for them even if it disagrees with your own heart's desires?

 

Yes! Reason number 1 that I wouldn't engage in an affair with someone I loved. Sounds backwards, but it is true. If I love them that much, that love is enough to say "no, not going to help you traumatize your kids."

 

Cabin, given all that has happened and all the lies and deceit and that you are going to have to continue on with a lot of it for the rest of your lives if you end up with this man, how are you going to handle that pressure? Isn't it going to be difficult to keep your story straight.

 

I know back when I thought things were going to work out between xmm and I that the thoughts of being around his family gave me the cold sweats. I thought what am I going to say, when they ask how we met, the history, blah, blah. I knew that if we were going to keep the affair secret, someone was going to have to lie and I didn't want to but yet if I'm honest now, and I am, I knew that I might not be the one to tell the lies but yet, I knew I'd have to nod in agreement or either lie by omission to keep it quite. I didn't like it but stupidly at the time, I thought I would do it. Now that it's all behind me, I thank my lucky stars that I don't have to go down that road, always having to keep stories straight.

 

Anyway have you seriously thought about all that and the stress and strain it will create for you?

 

I wonder this, too. Is it really feasible to expect a secret of that magnitude to remain secret from those closest to you--forever?

 

Also, it seems you and your MM want to engage in an affair, without living with the consequences of having an affair. You want the instant gratification of affair now, with the respect of a couple who waited until the marriages were dissolved. But respect is EARNED. Why do you think your relationship should be respected as something it is not?

 

In some ways, it extends the "cheating" into the potential future relationship to present the relationship as something it is not, in effort to get unearned respect. How long are you two going to be "cheaters"?

[Got it]

Well, playing devil's advocate, it is about weighing collateral damage. The benefits of it remaining secret can greatly outweigh the potential of exposure. Yes it is a storyline that would have to continue but many would argue that the not knowing may be better than the knowing.

 

I did very similar on my end. My exhusband does not know about the affair, I left the marriage and we divorced. While I understand the gamble of the secret, weighing the pros and cons keeping it a secret seemed to be the better choice. He may find out what day and I understand the consequences that it brings and accept that. The affair wasn't about him and I didn't want him thinking it was. I hope that not having the additional hit to his self esteem if it didn't help, didn't hinder, him being able to have moved on at the timeline he did. He is very happily married and I am very happy for him.

 

Disclaimer: we do not have kids together and there was no financial support either way that would have been affected by the information. So no financial or collateral gain for me in that decision.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Well, playing devil's advocate, it is about weighing collateral damage. The benefits of it remaining secret can greatly outweigh the potential of exposure. Yes it is a storyline that would have to continue but many would argue that the not knowing may be better than the knowing.

 

I did very similar on my end. My exhusband does not know about the affair, I left the marriage and we divorced. While I understand the gamble of the secret, weighing the pros and cons keeping it a secret seemed to be the better choice. He may find out what day and I understand the consequences that it brings and accept that. The affair wasn't about him and I didn't want him thinking it was. I hope that not having the additional hit to his self esteem if it didn't help, didn't hinder, him being able to have moved on at the timeline he did. He is very happily married and I am very happy for him.

 

Disclaimer: we do not have kids together and there was no financial support either way that would have been affected by the information. So no financial or collateral gain for me in that decision.

 

Yes, I can understand that.

 

But these people work together, they attend the same parties, their kids know each other. The spouses of both parties are either already dumped or in the process of being.

 

Regarding the "additional hit to the self esteem;" I see it differently. I think it would be kinder to and easier for a woman who was "happily married" and had 3 children with her husband to know that she was being left for another woman than simply left because her husband did not love her, had never loved her, and she'd been living a lie.

 

At least the "other woman" scenario gives her a chance to blame someone other than herself …

 

I'm never "nice" about affairs, but my big issue here is not the affair. Clearly, this is the OW board and there are plenty of people here who find the whole idea of their affairs and others kind of enchanting and extra special. I'm not one!

 

But my big issue right here is the machiavellian plan and intricate web of deceit that is necessary for this particular affair. It almost seems as if the people could be "out" there would be … nothing. Or else, why not be "out" now?

 

I almost can't believe it's a real situation. Sounds like fiction.

[sp2007]

I'm not sure that is correct, Mme. Chaucer. I think it's about figuring out the best thing to do for all concerned. I think what may appear to be a selfish motivation to "get away with it" might actually not be. When my MM's wife suspected, we talked about it and I told him that he should come clean. I just thought honesty was the right way to go. I now think that might not have been the best advice as his wife was absolutely devastated. They subsequently separated. I'm not sure if that made it easier or harder for her. It's even more complicated when there are children involved, who don't emotionally operate on the same level as adults. I really don't know what the right answer is. I think you just have to do what you believe in your heart is correct.

[Beachgirl8]

I'm not sure that is correct, Mme. Chaucer. I think it's about figuring out the best thing to do for all concerned. I think what may appear to be a selfish motivation to "get away with it" might actually not be. When my MM's wife suspected, we talked about it and I told him that he should come clean. I just thought honesty was the right way to go. I now think that might not have been the best advice as his wife was absolutely devastated. They subsequently separated. I'm not sure if that made it easier or harder for her. It's even more complicated when there are children involved, who don't emotionally operate on the same level as adults. I really don't know what the right answer is. I think you just have to do what you believe in your heart is correct.

 

Maybe I'm naive, but wouldn't the best thing for all parties involved unilaterally be to not have started an adulterous affair to begin with?

[woinlove]

I'm not sure that is correct, Mme. Chaucer. I think it's about figuring out the best thing to do for all concerned. I think what may appear to be a selfish motivation to "get away with it" might actually not be. When my MM's wife suspected, we talked about it and I told him that he should come clean. I just thought honesty was the right way to go. I now think that might not have been the best advice as his wife was absolutely devastated. They subsequently separated. I'm not sure if that made it easier or harder for her. It's even more complicated when there are children involved, who don't emotionally operate on the same level as adults. I really don't know what the right answer is. I think you just have to do what you believe in your heart is correct.

 

I don't think people in affairs are in the best position to play god and decide what is best for everyone involved. Does the wife say she would rather have spent her life living a lie and not knowing the kind of man she was married to? The BS posting on LS typically say they would rather know the truth, no matter how devastating it is. They would like to have some control over their own lives and knowledge is part of control.

 

I think it is best if people try not to control the lives of others by spinning a fictional life for them and keeping them in the dark about the truth. More generally I think of how I would want to treat a dear friend or my sister. Would I want to give her the truth so that she can take control over her own life or would I be able to look her in the eye, knowing she is living a falsehood, and keep the secret to myself, letting her live that falsehood. The one time I was in that situation with a close friend, I knew I could not be part of the secret and deception and had to tell her the truth. She was devastated too, but she too action based on reality.

[woinlove]

Maybe I'm naive, but wouldn't the best thing for all parties involved unilaterally be to not have started an adulterous affair to begin with?

 

I assume this is a rhetorical question, but it does raise the issue coming up here and on some other threads as well.

 

Getting involved in a secret affair is a selfish act where usually one does not think much about the BS or, if one does, decides that the BS' interests are not as important as one's own. Having done that, most people feel a strong compulsion to still look as good as they can and often twist things up trying to make it seem like they are acting in the best interest not only of themselves, not only of their lover, but even of any betrayed spouses involved, children, relatives, whatever. One deep human need is intimate connection with others and, for some, that leads to affairs. Another deep human need is to think well of ourselves, and I think that leads to some of the thought processes we see displayed here.

[sp2007]

I don't think people in affairs are in the best position to play god and decide what is best for everyone involved. Does the wife say she would rather have spent her life living a lie and not knowing the kind of man she was married to? The BS posting on LS typically say they would rather know the truth, no matter how devastating it is. They would like to have some control over their own lives and knowledge is part of control.

 

I think it is best if people try not to control the lives of others by spinning a fictional life for them and keeping them in the dark about the truth. More generally I think of how I would want to treat a dear friend or my sister. Would I want to give her the truth so that she can take control over her own life or would I be able to look her in the eye, knowing she is living a falsehood, and keep the secret to myself, letting her live that falsehood. The one time I was in that situation with a close friend, I knew I could not be part of the secret and deception and had to tell her the truth. She was devastated too, but she too action based on reality.

 

That was my thinking as well, having been cheated on in the past by a former boyfriend. The "not knowing" killed me, because in my gut I knew something was off. Finally knowing the truth -- although devasting -- was definitely the right thing for me. However, I am not sure it was the right thing for MM's wife. I think she would have preferred NOT to know. I left it up to him to decide. That's what I meant about going with what is in your heart. You need to try to strip away all the crap that has gone on as best you can and do what you think is "right." That doesn't mean it will be right, just that you are trying to make a better choice. At some point, EVERYONE needs to move on from the affair. I hope this makes sense.

[sp2007]

I assume this is a rhetorical question, but it does raise the issue coming up here and on some other threads as well.

 

Getting involved in a secret affair is a selfish act where usually one does not think much about the BS or, if one does, decides that the BS' interests are not as important as one's own. Having done that, most people feel a strong compulsion to still look as good as they can and often twist things up trying to make it seem like they are acting in the best interest not only of themselves, not only of their lover, but even of any betrayed spouses involved, children, relatives, whatever. One deep human need is intimate connection with others and, for some, that leads to affairs. Another deep human need is to think well of ourselves, and I think that leads to some of the thought processes we see displayed here.

 

All well and good, but what is done is done. People make mistakes. Now what? How do you make things right? That's the question, isn't it?

[woinlove]

All well and good, but what is done is done. People make mistakes. Now what? How do you make things right? That's the question, isn't it?

 

No, it's more complex than that. The OP is still in the affair and trying to manage an exit from two marriages - or maybe it is one down and one to go at this point, not sure. It's not done yet and likely won't be for quite some time as MM is still living at home with his W and children and then they have to carefully introduce the children to the idea of a new pairing (since the children know each other and the various partners but only know of the original pairing at this point). It's a lot more complex than what is done is done.

Edited November 10, 2011 by woinlove

[despicableME]

He may find out what day and I understand the consequences that it brings and accept that.

 

What consequences? You're not married anymore. The only thing he can do is tell people about it(which I highly doubt, given the humiliating factors), but its all for naught... you and he have both moved on. Your reputation may take a hit, but nothing that will affect you in the longterm.

 

The affair wasn't about him and I didn't want him thinking it was.

 

But he will think it was ABOUT him. The thing is that since you're not with him, its not really your problem anymore. He's going to deal with it(fallout) on his own... maybe even take it out on his current wife.

 

He is very happily married and I am very happy for him.

 

Because he doesn't know the WHOLE truth... he's oblivious to the fact that he's been/was cheated-on.

 

I can see where you didn't want to further the hurt(with the failed marriage and all), but it doesn't negate the fact that you LIED to him.

 

Like Cabin, you lied to him in the guise of protecting him(and, in a selfish way-- YOURSELF) from further harm. What I do applaude YOU for was that you at least had enough respect to "call it quits," and NOT drag him into a false reconciliation. This is a problem I have with Cabin's situation. Why did she drag this whole thing out by accepting counseling, when she very well knew she was DONE... DONE... DONE with her husband, and still knee-deep into her affair... WHY??? In my opinion, this only adds insult to injury. Just because he doesn't know about it, doesn't make it any less wrong.

 

Maybe I'm naive, but wouldn't the best thing for all parties involved unilaterally be to not have started an adulterous affair to begin with?

 

In hindsight... YES.

 

I think it would be kinder to and easier for a woman who was "happily married" and had 3 children with her husband to know that she was being left for another woman than simply left because her husband did not love her, had never loved her, and she'd been living a lie.

 

 

This is a double-edged sword. She/he, would most likely STILL feel those things you just pointed out, with added feelings of inferiority(with regards to AP); self-esteem issues would ensue, given the fact that said person was "passed over" for another... in essence, feelings of "not being good enough" to keep a spouse true and loyal. But, I DO agree that they should be told the WHOLE truth... they deserve at least that.

Edited November 10, 2011 by despicableME

[sp2007]

No, it's more complex than that. The OP is still in the affair and trying to manage an exit from two marriages - or maybe it is one down and one to go at this point, not sure. It's not done yet and likely won't be for quite some time as MM is still living at home with his W and children and then they have to carefully introduce the children to the idea of a new pairing (since the children know each other and the various partners but only know of the original pairing at this point). It's a lot more complex than what is done is done.

 

I see your point. But the question still remains -- how do you make this right?

[Mme. Chaucer]

I guess the bottom line, for me, would be the knowledge that I really was NOT looking out for anybody's good but mine, if I were being completely honest. And I am getting the idea that the "good" we are thinking about here is financial.

 

Anyway, having owned that I was in a self serving situation, I would realize that I was not in the position to be the arbiter of what would be good or bad, or to be in ultimate, complete control of dispensing truth to the (at least) six other people intimately involved in this particular geometric formation (not a triangle!) besides cabin and married guy.

 

I've done bad things in my life, and I know what it it like to be absolutely dependent upon falsehood to even carry on. It's awful. And this scenario goes far, far beyond "infidelity" or even "love." It's profound manipulation.

 

My position is that sometimes, the only thing to do is to relinquish control and try to do the "right thing" under the circumstances.

 

Cabin and married guy are good, right? They are soul mates. They want to spend their lives together. They stare into each others eyes for hours. Etc. Both of them have ALREADY STARTED OR IMPLEMENTED SEPARATION from their spouses.

 

So who gives them the right and the power to completely control all the rest of the peoples' lives and their ideas of the "truth" and of what really happened in their families?

 

I could understand it if their relationship were at risk, but according to the author, it's not.

 

So the "right thing" under these circumstances would be to stop the lying, at last.