I desperately want him back!

[spanky]

Please help me. My boyfriend of 9 months just broke up with me with no warning. We had a terrifyingly functional relationship. We never argued, if either of us had any concerns we were honest and open with them and always found solutions to the issues at hand. We are both goal oriented, and strive for what we want. We are both mature and stable adults who have both experienced emotional traumas. He jokes that we had found each other in the second-hand bin. He is the man I have dreamed of sharing myself with since I was a little girl. He is the man that I asked God to bring me. It was a dream come true when we found each other.

 

I have a full plate right now in my life because I am a 29 year old, full-time nursing student, mother of a 5 year old and I work 30-40 hours per week. I also contribute to taking care of my handicapped sibling. So, dating is not the #1 priority in my life at this point in time. I made it absolutely clear to him when this relationship started that I have had a VERY rough past and although I'm a tough little cookie I am not willing to fall for someone only to have them rip my heart out and hurt me. My responsibilities are too great for me to have to deal with something like that. I feared I was a rebound because his wife of 1-2 years walked out on him last March and they finalized the divorce in Oct.

 

F.Y.I. (rough past? Death of long-term boyfriend, and 5 year imprisonment of my daughter's father when I was only 4 months pregnant.)

 

Soooo.....He charms me, wines me, dines me, reassures me, confides in me, I confide in him, he makes incredible love to me, and successfully breaks down my guard to the point where I open up like I have never opened up to a man before. I love him dearly, and I completely bared my soul to him. Well, he is military and deploys for months at a time. It's tough but at least we could email all day every day while he was gone. Something changed after this last deployment.

 

I allowed myself to make him one of my priorities in my life and felt as though he wasn't reciprocating. Well, when I confronted him via email he reassured me some more that we had plenty of time and not to rush it. He said our relationship was not disposable. He said he could see my daughter and I in his future and wanted to form a bond with her. I am overprotective of her and I will not incorporate her into any of my relationships with the opposite sex in fear of her feeling abandoned in the event that things don't work out so the two of them are not close. She just knows that Mr so and so makes mommy happy. He even started to prepare me now for the fact that he will be transferred in July 2005 for Graduates school. He wanted me to be willing to continue in a long-term relationship.

 

Well, he came home 1 month ago and and all the hopes that I had built up while he was gone suddenly began to fade because he was acting distant. I confronted him 2 1/2 weeks ago as to what was going on and he said that he needed time to decompress after being on a ship with 250 people. I made a huge mistake by telling him that I am falling in love with him. I also communicated that I knew his emotions were moving at a different pace than mine because he is still wounded from his wife walking out on him and that I was willing to be patient and help him work through whatever he may be dealing with.

 

He addresses all my concerns with grace and says he's willing to give me more of his time. Well, things were wonderful up til 2 weeks ago Fri. By Mother's Day they got really wierd and I'm making a fool of myself by calling him and calling him. He blows me off over and over again. I call and confront him again as to what is wrong. He reluctanly tells me that he is in a "funk" but it has nothing to do with me. Three hours later when I'm wanting talk to him and help him figure put why he feels so "funky," he says that he had been thinking about "us" all week and that my feelings for him were way stronger than his for me. He bluntly blurts out that I just don't light that flame inside of him, and that I just don't do "IT" for him. He did tell me that physically I turned him on unlike any woman ever has before but that he just didn't see any point in continuing a relationship just to see if his emotional feelings would change.

 

I am so devastated, and I can't imagine my life without him. I tried to get him to talk about it but he has completely shut down on me. Not to mention that I know his ex wife has been begging to see him. He said he'd prefer a bullet in the head to being back with her. He's says that he would like to be friends. I've gotta get him back. I love him. He admitted that he doesn't know what he wants right now and I think he's afraid. I also admit that I smothered him with alot of insecurities as to where our relationship was going.

 

PLEASE!!! I need this man in my life. I call him my perfect Mr. Wonderful.

 

Does anyone have any advice? Do you think there's a chance that this will work out?

[KirkCamp]

It could work out but the most important thing for you to give him is room to deal with things he has dealt with since he's been apart from you. I read this book, Mars And Venus On A Date that I would recommend to you. It is natural for him to pursue you, let him do that but give him time. You may be adding to the pressure that he feels. While you're giving him time, take care fo yourself and help your family out and let them help you. Hard to say what will happen but if it doesn't happen, he is clearly not meant to be with you. Give him a chance but know to step back for now. While you have that time, read the book I mentioned . Good luck, I'll pray for you in the meantime if that's all right with you .