Dumper sent me a letter in the mail

[LSgirl]

I checked my regular mail today and got a package from my ex-boyfriend. We broke up 2 weeks ago. He had told me he bought me a gift before the breakup and was going to send it to me. It was an antique WWII Japanese ring dish and an antique butterfly hair clip (because he accidentally broke my ring dish) and it came with a letter. The letter said this:

 

Hey you, It's hard not to write sugar boo, sweetie, sugar muffin, or any of what I would like to say considering the situation we're in. Where to begin and how to end one of the last things I may be able to write you? It's tough not to spill myself out after holding back for so long. The things I've never told you and everything you deserve. You rpatience with me is almost super human. But I guess that has its limits too. Seeing how you miss us, in your last email, hit hard. Only because, I do too.

 

For too long I would hold in whatever emotional baggage would come up and try to forget about it. It was really wearing me down and I just wanted a nice emotional outlet to relax in. After I admitted too much to you, things got harder for us. Instead of really trying to work things out, I did what I was used to. Bundle it up, tuck it away and forget about it. I never took the time to really let things go. Being so sensitive and with a threat from you (which wasn't that bad) I just snapped and let everything go. Of course I emotionally rationalized what I was doing instead of logically. But, I couldn't take your resentment too and could see the day coming where it was going to end badly. I could almost see you finding someone else randomly after being so fed up. So I did it.

 

I felt bad, shaky, nauseous, and all the wonderful feelings that come with that. But to me it was better something lame than something deceitful and vindictive. Later on the way home from work the person I had spent so much time trying to forget (he's talking about his ex-fiancee) texted me "hi-mom was just asking about you. Hope you're doing well" or something like that. After a little conversation about family, work, and some encouragement from my part (she's having a hard time I guess) I realized that everyone was right and she wasn't the person I've had in my mind and changed completely. The whole letting go thing had started to make sense when I realized that she was actually pretty dumb, and I felt sorry for her. I hate to say that, but I'll only tell you.

 

So there I was, free of all my baggage. Until, I noticed that, well I got one more. "Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation" - Kahlil Gibran. Man has some good books, a tear and a smile, was one of my favorites. At first I assumed the damage had been done and I'd never be forgiven. Stick to my guns, get organized, and improve my life however I could. Tend to the garden to bring the butterflies, if only to see them going by. Was doing pretty good, I thought, but stress can sneak up on you when you think you're doing great, when really, you're just fooling yourself. So going back to relaxing and taking my time I caught another break and went with my roommate to the music show. Then I realized when I saw you again (we ran into each other on halloween) how nice it was to talk to you again. In my mind I was thinking maybe a new first date with a new man again.

 

Would she recognize how I've changed, could she see it? But, the damage lingered in the air with passing foul language and dirty looks from strangers (here he's referring to my friends that came up and said some not so nice things to him) Our time was tained at every turn but I would not have it. Until, I saw the damage in your eyes as well. Then I knew I had been lost to you and couldn't bear the sight of it.

 

Then he goes on in the letter to talk about what the presents meant and wrote:

 

I've apologized many times but it will never be enough to make up to you for what I've done and the B.S. you've had to put up with for so long. I don't expect to be forgiven, hopefully though not misunderstood.

 

With Love and Sincereity,

(his name)

 

SOOO....that's the first time he's EVER mentioned "love" to me. First he quotes that love after separation and the ending signature. What does this mean? He doesn't mention anything about getting back together, but it seems like he knows what he did wrong. I then replied back to him in text "That was really beautiful and sad. I'm sorry things couldn't work out between us, I wish we had worked on it before we broke up. You probably already know this, but I was falling in love with you but knowing I wouldn't get that back, I had to stop 'chasing' remember? But knowing this, if I truly did feel that way I couldnt be selfish and had to let you go. Sort of like that butterfly clip when I wear it I'll think of you and hope you are happy wherever you are.

 

He wrote back "Well thank you, when I think of yo uill hope you are one happy little girl too, wearing that strange little butterfly clip

 

At this point, I tend to go NC. We ended on a good note, but I wish he would have asked to see me even if it was just for coffee. What do you guys think?

[IfiKnewThen]

i wrote a whole thing to you & i lost it. frustrating. this hasnt been my day. so here i go again.

 

my response was something like: i think i am going to cry is what i think. because i was so touched by his letter. then i went on to say, i believe he might have been pining over his ex when he was with you (thats probably why he didnt use the word love with you) and when he dumped you he had time to reflect. i think he knows he went into this relationship with you with baggage. unhealed feelings with her, his ex. so he figured he was free now and he also i think, broke up with you, like he said, before he thought you would do it to him because she pained him bad in the past. and he didnt want to go through that again. being left. and it sounds like he didnt want to feel that again or cheat on you and didnt want you doing that to him either...so poof..... he left hoping to avoid any pain. he thought the fighting or whatever would culminate to hurtful things while in your relationship together. so he got out.

 

then he was going along doing things to heal and he missed you all during this time and sees how deep his affection and feelings went for you. in fact he felt like that the night right after he spoke to her. sounds like he had a lightbulb moment. that he is carrying "new baggage" ( feelings for you, maybe even love) and its baggage to him because now youre lost to him. (so he thinks)

 

he also more importantly had an awakening that he was over his ex and she means nothing to him now, and he only feels sorry for her.

 

when he saw you on halloween, he said he saw damage in your eyes. so he figured you were lost to him for good. sort of like you couldnt love him back after all he had done to you. i think if he had another chance he might show you a different man this time. but still 2 weeks is not long enough for it to really sink in for complete change on his part. but yes he sounds like he can change! : ) yes it would have been good for him to ask you for coffee or something. but he sounded like he threw his hands up in the air a little and feels its probably hopeless because he messed up and he believes he saw this damage in your eyes that you wouldnt take him back anymore.

 

so, he sent you this package too. hoping to hear back from you and and in my mind he wants to ..open the lines of communication.

 

you wrote a sweet honest message back. however he might get discouraged reading this: : Sort of like that butterfly clip when I wear it I'll think of you and hope you are happy wherever you are.

 

it sounds like goodbye.

 

well not just that one line. i don't know what he could pick up from your note. it was appropriate i think, you did good, but there's no real clue in there for him to believe you would take him back or want him back.

 

it sounds like if you want a second chance (either of you), you are at a stand still.

 

maybe if you want to say something like: "there's is no damage in my eyes. i was sad yes, but not damaged."

 

meanwhile, i hope youre not damaged. if youre not you can say this but if you are thats another story. its not good to pretend. but something to indicated you could forgive him ....(if you can)..so you guys can take it from there.

 

its late i hope i dont sound too confusing. thats my take on it from my disadvantage point. good luck to you : )

[LSgirl]

wow thank you for writing all that, it was a nice read. I did send him a pic with the new ring dish he bought me with my rings in it and said they were beautiful and that I loved it. Maybe in a couple days, I will ask him for coffee or to help him hanging my lights (as he also indicated in the letter he'd like to help) so that way we'll have an excuse to meet up. He's just not the type to directly ask me back, as neither am I. This is a tough one, I'm not sure if HE really has changed as when we broke up he said "don't chase something you're never going to get from me (love)" which is what cut me like a knife.

[IfiKnewThen]

hi again : ) ps i dont know the back story i will try to get to read it when not so sleepy.

 

yeah that was a harsh thing that he said. but he may have put his foot in his mouth when saying it and it come back to bite him like now : )

 

because his letter denotes to me at least , that he realizes his feelings go deeper.

 

but as i said i need to know more. but that letter, wow.

[LSgirl]

I'm still confused what to do. I do eventually want to contact him, but I want to let him think I'm thinking about it rather than responding right away. Would Monday be too soon to ask him to help me with something in my house?

 

In another forum, I've been getting mixed posts about waiting for something more direct and coherent from him and others say that he wants me back.

 

I can't tell from the letter if he's just really sorry or if he wants me back. I don't want to make the mistake of letting him back into my life when he had no intention of actually getting back together, but rather to give me closure how sorry he was...

[leoc1973]

well if I were a man(and I am) if I felt really sorry I would apologize tell you how sorry I was and never meant to cause you pain but it seems like he put a lot of effort into this almost if he was trying to trigger feelings in you. That is what I would do if I wanted you back. Unless he is a jerk why else would he be trying to hit home at your heart. Like I said if I was just having one of those bad days where I felt lots of guilt or sorrow. I would just keep it kind of very generic. There seriously would be no reason to toy with your emotions unless he really does want you back. You could test the waters by asking what he is up to if he is involved with anyone and how its going. If he tells you he is and its going good then forget it but if he tells you that it isn't serious or he isn't involved with anyone then I think he is leaving the door open. You could ask him right out. I think men are different they either want you or they don't I think women are the ones that have lots of confusion and emotion. Just don't let him use you cause he is lonely or anything like that. Good luck keep us posted. Also I don't think you have to wait. I think in his mind he already knows his intentions. Like I said unless he is some kind of jerk that just wants to know if you are still hanging or is tryin to keep you hanging in that case tell him to never contact you again!

[IfiKnewThen]

i tend to agree with he above poster.

you could ask about the light monday i personally do not think its too soon.

 

and i think it is good to be direct and ask , as leoc1973 suggests: what he is up to if he is involved with anyone and how its going.

 

 

personally i think this is great advise on his part.

 

your ex, mentioned the lights. use that, and go with it, before he think its too late with you if he thinks that.

 

life and love are sometimes about risk. you dont seem to be throwing yourself at this guy at ALL! so dont worry about that much of it.

[LSgirl]

I've been trying to show interest. Tonight I sent him a picture of me wearing the butterfly hairclip he sent me and he texted back that it looked pretty. Then an hour later I texted him saying that I couldn't figure out how to put the nails on the wall without making big holes and he only texted back "not with a lil patience. it's ok, if ur worried about the holes. Try my trick with the soap on a smaller hole first. Then u wont worry so much. Well I remember u didnt want to make holes and stuff but they are real easy to cover up if u plan on moving later. You should fix ur place the way u like it and finally get those lights just right"

 

Then I said "it's okay nm, I can probably just leave it the way it is" and he says "u can get the sticky rubber stuff. or u just trying to make me do it?" ugh...i felt embarassed when he said that so then i said "i guess it's not a big deal, i don't want it to be out of your way" and he says "I knew it, well ill get my screwdriver and finally fix this thing" so then I say "ur not coming to fix it now r u? Anytime ur free is fine" and he says "Yeah might be better tomorrow" and I say "K cool just let me know, u don't have to offer to do this but I appreciate it, thanks." and he says "No prob"

 

I felt stupid for trying so hard (when he mentioned he could come help in the letter.) i sent him a pic of the ring dishes last night with my rings along with a pic tonight with me wearing the hairclip. Then, i tell him I can't figure out how to set up the nails in my wall, and he makes it seem like it's something he HAS to do and not wanting to do? I don't get it, I'm putting myself out there (more contact than anytime during the breakup)

 

Maybe he doesn't really want to get back together and I'm reading too much into this letter?

 

I'm definitely not going to ask him again tomorrow as I don't want to keep bothering him. He said it might be better tomorrow, but I figured he will let me know when is good, and if he never calls or texts tomorrow then I feel like I've done the most I could do to show interest in such a short period of time. What do you guys think?

[IfiKnewThen]

i think youre a smart girl and i can understand why you feel the way you do.

 

you know him best. and i know you also feel you dont know him now at this time. i know him less, but this was my take on it...

 

now i am really gonna try to analyze him (lol) since i got to read some of the back story. i might be thinking too much myself here but here goes.....

 

i get the sense he thinks you worry too much, by his little comment there about "worrying". i think he's glad you got in touch with him, but as soon as you said you were concerned about the nails making big holes, in his mind, it triggered and reverted back, to his feelings about you worrying about his ex and worrying about how he felt about you while in your relationship with him. small things sometimes trigger off larger things, or feelings.

 

----> not with a lil patience. it's ok, if ur worried about the holes. Try my trick with the soap on a smaller hole first. Then u wont worry so much. Well I remember u didnt want to make holes and stuff but they are real easy to cover up if u plan on moving later.

 

i really have to say that after reading the book "men are from mars and woman are from venus", i learned the sexes really do hear and interpret things differently. (that's what the book is about...everyone should own this book and keep referring to it. we probably would all be better off)

 

anyway, i read that when a men (and heard men attest to this as well) see you worrying about another women or worrying they dont love you that much or whatever, they begin to question their love themselves after a while. now NO way am i saying this is YOUR fault at ALL. its NOT. you probably had good reason to think he didn't care much, was on rebound and he never said he loved you in all those months together. so i get why this dialog would come up between you and that's healthy i think.

 

but in his mind he felt the way he did about you, and i think he may have needed some validation, that he was genuine, so that you would feel his affection and so in his mind he wouldn't second guess himself. i think he felt (in his mind) he heard from you that he didn't care, or was on a rebound all too much. men want us to feel all confident and smile and know he couldn't possibly have any weaknesses about choosing a women who is not for him. you were for him in his thinking and he didn't want it challenged. i cant really explain this as good or as clearly as i want. but i think the book, explains it well. they (men) want us to reinforce their thinking, (and in their minds), not break it down or question their love for us. or developing feelings for us..

 

then i think, it all snowballed. he probably did move quickly into this new relationship with you and had unresolved issues with her. no doubt, we see that here on LS. but i somehow feel he was genuine and really wanted his old demons to go away and just focus on you guys. but when signs or signals popped up that he wasn't still 100 % healed yet, and you expressed obvious concerned.....as a man (yikes sorry men) he may have interpreted as you're worried and getting too insecure and he wanted reinforcement and then his own mind slipped into doubt. there was probably some doubt as to him not being fully over her from what i read and that was hard for him to admit. so he didnt. rather i think he wanted to cast out all doubt and focus on you and get your relationship moving forward. (it sounds to me like he found out he didn't want his ex 101% AFTER you broke up. now its true it isn't fair "IF" he wasn't 100 % sure. but he seemed sure enough to get into a relationship with you. and maybe he really knew it was you he wanted when he started anew. i know we say, there should be no doubt. but from what i read, it says doubt can develop when the relationship is questioned (in there minds eye) a lot. or more than they can bare.

 

but again i think he had issues. you had every right, but the dialog eventually broke the relationship down on both your parts. because men and woman really do express themselves differently and interpret each other differently. and its sad and it can snowball.

 

you dont wanta walk on a tight rope. thats why its good to read this book. it helps us see what we can do to bridge the gap of communication between the sexes. it's ideal when the man reads it too.

 

so to sum it up now, its like you're being labeled as a bit of a worrier. you're not. you had understandable concerns. i dont think he was "thinking" this deep when texting you. but subconsciously maybe in his mind, he makes the connection between the small worries and the big. then says "worry". i am sure there were ways if he had the right relationship skills ( and really knew how to apply it) he could have reassured you in the past, in ways that are truly reassuring for a women, that you guys had true possibilities.

 

i think in his mind that rebound thing, pissed him off because to him it makes him feel like hes got a deficit and you couldn't see him being really attracted to you.

 

----->Then I said "it's okay nm, I can probably just leave it the way it is" and he says "u can get the sticky rubber stuff. or u just trying to make me do it?" ugh...i felt embarrassed when he said that so then i said "i guess it's not a big deal, i don't want it to be out of your way" and he says "I knew it, well ill get my screwdriver and finally fix this thing

 

actually, i think you did really good here. when you said never mind. you can probably leave it the way it is. you didn't demand anything of him and you sounded accepting of the situation. that usually makes a guy feel like...

 

now i have to do this for her (as in he wants to) and also,

 

"she really wants me to do this, and isn't saying so" . also they usually want to make you happy (if they care) and be the helper. but he didn't know for sure in your current circumstances what you were wanting...so he asked or posed it like" or are you just trying to make me do it?" i dont think he meant are you trying to MAKE him do it literally. (as in force him)....because they way you said it, non demanding. but your style was getting him to act on making him do it. and again, some men have unskilled language. if he knew better he would have said " i would be happy to do it. is that what you want? and then you could have said yes please that would be nice appreciate it ...so and so. be he says 'make". i dont think he really meant to say it that way, being all cocky or anything. to me it was just bad language and different than a woman wants to hear it. it all goes back to how we communicate unless he's a real jerk.

 

it was cute and subtle how you went about it ..methinks. you just feel embarrassed because you think he called you on your desire to have him do it. i know it feels demoralizing to be the one to reach out after rejection. most of us feel the dumper should bang down the door, if they really want us.

 

but in truth, i dont think that's always the case. it should be. but its not always the case.

and there are times when even a dumper could get cold feet and fear rejection after what they did. i dont say this is the case for him. but we haven't established too much about him yet .

 

i agree you shouldn't have to ask him, or mention it again tomorrow.. the ball is in his court, now. he was the first to make actual contact. he opened up some in that letter. you just responded in kind and took him up on the offer. even though guys dont like demands (in the way they hear and interpret things) they also like directness, too.

 

so maybe say, in the future if it gets that far, when you want to ask for something maybe say....example "i think i will take you up on that offer with the lights, i could use the help, will you help me"? or having some trouble with hanging the pictures, would you be willing to help me in this area?"

 

i know it was harder this time. you were handlingly it gingerly because you were feling ti out and didnt know what his response was going to be. but what you said was good. and what went down definately wasnt bad at all.

 

it doesnt mean you are all in love with him and are willing to take him back. it means you trust him with a job (they like to be trusted) and youre asking them not demanding.

 

sorry i didnt mean to digress here, and make this this lengthy. if this has any hope you both have to give and take. so many people have so many schools of thought about the timing on all this. and there is no one standard thing that applies. but i would say strike while the iron is hot. he sent the letter...and the gifts...you showed appreciation, and you indirectly sought help from him and he sounded like he took you up on it. this doesnt mean he is looking to go back, he might be trying to reconcil its over. but it sounded like in the letter, he thought it was certainly over for you. that you had that look in your eyes of being done.

 

so maybe see where it goes from there. you made some steps. i dont think you belittled yourself. if this guy turns out to be that hot and cold then you know you did all you could.

 

but i think it would help both of you to understand as a woman and a man, you have to find the language that is healing for you both, when you speak and communicate with each other.

 

please buy that book, if anything, it can help with future relationships in understanding how the sexes generally think receive messages and how to improve the dialog, the appropriate language to the sexes can provide clarity and sensitivity, and help have less pain and suffering to boot. you sound like a sweet sensitive person, by the way.

[LSgirl]

So I finally saw him last night. He came over to set up my lights. We hung out and talked a bit for 3 hours and towards the end I brought up the letter. I told him how much it moved me and that I had forgiven him and saw a new person in the letter. I told him I wanted to give it another try if he did. He said (im paraphhrasing) "let's take this slowly. I like what we got now. I'm not seeing or interested in anyone else and meant everything I said in the letter. Our friendship is important and I had a lot of fun with you tonight. I had a lot of fun when we dated, but right now I need this time to work on myself."

 

I then told him I apologized and must have misunderstood the letter and thought he wanted a second chance. He said he didn't want to hurt me again and then I was totally confused and told him it really sounded like he realized what happened and wanted to be with me again. I felt so foolish that I put myself out there only to be rejected again. I still haven't slept (it's been 6 hrs since he left and I have to go to work in an hour) I feel the awful pain again.

 

I also told him that I wasn't sure if I was supposed to wait around and that I couldn't be friends because it would hurt until I could finally get over him. He asked if I was giving him an ultimatimum, I said it would just be too hard to stay friends. He brought up other things like how eventually he would go back to his home state to take care of his mom if she ever got sick (she's not sick now and I don't think he was referring to anything anytime in the next year) I think he wanted to let me down easily. I'm so confused, I really thought (and forums/friends) thought he wanted a second chance! I told him I understood and it was okay (even though I clearly was confused and hurt).

 

Now he knows how I feel that I forgiven him and want a second chance, I feel like I've done all that I could. I will go No Contact now. How does he write a letter like this and NOT want to make it work again. It's up to him now, but I can't wait around for him. He held me and we kissed, then I told him he should probably go and he agreed. He kissed me on the forehead and left.

[Million.to.1]

LSgirl...

 

I am so sorry to hear your story.

You were the only person who responded to my thread as we were in a similar situation with dealing with emotionally distant boyfriends. Im sorry to hear things haven't worked out and i do really feel for you as I'm also in a situation as helpless as you were.

 

I'm not surprised that you are confused. This is really hard. On one side, you want to give him another shot right? Be friends and take it slow... On the other you know that by doing that, you give yourself no hope of getting over him and moving on.

 

I think you are best to go N/C as you said. It's going to be tough, but you have to.. Dragging this out is not the best thing for you. Whether or not he wants you back (eventually) is irrelevant. Being "friends" won't work and will just cause you further confusion and hurt.

 

Explain to him why N/C is what you need for your own healing as you can't "keep chasing". He is dangling a carrot of reconciliation that may not happen. He is keeping his options open.

 

And if what he said was true, that he wants time to heal and space for himself, he can do that without stringing you along in the mean-time. It's not fair of him to try and keep you on stand-by.

 

He may realise that he wants you back and come running.... But maybe not. You can't keep sitting around waiting for him to love you. You deserve to be loved.

 

You need to just get on with your life and good things will come...

We are here for you.

 

[LSgirl]

Hi, thanks for responding to my thread. I'm hurt and confused but know that I can't wait around like you said. I also thought of it was dangling a carrot stick in which I thought was an opportunity and suddenly he doesn't want to try it again (or I could have read it wrong, who knows).

 

It's one thing to be hurt once but AGAIN, painful. I feel like I'm walking through sand, I just want to get to the point where I feel indifferent but every step I take just to move on is a lot harder than I thought.

 

I'm sure he will contact me again (not to get back together, but probably to see how im doing). I wish there was SOMETHING I could do, but ive got nothing left but to go no contact. Have you heard from your ex since you last posted?

 

Again, thank you for posting, you guys are really helpful

[Million.to.1]

He's is not my ex. Still my boyfriend.

He has been away for 3 weeks...on the holiday he didn't want me to come on. He just got back. We argued alot while he was away. (online chat) He was very distant and our communication was difficult. I felt as though he was pulling back.

So, I also feel like i'm moving through sand. Even though we are together.

 

The advice i give you should be what I do myself, but I'm still giving it time. I have taken a massive step back from the relationship for my own sake though. We had a complicated start so I should be a little patient withit.

 

I'm 32, and I can't wait around forever.. but also I don't want to throw the first relationship I've had in 7 yrs down the drain... It's tough!!

[LSgirl]

That's a tough one. I also know what you mean by not wanting to give up. I was single for many years before I met him too and I fell hard and now I feel like I'm being strung along. I don't know what's worse, staying in a relationship not going anywhere and hoping, or being let go but holding on while trying to move on. Both are not healthy, but it's nice that he's still there with you, I don't have that option as he gave up. I hope you will keep posting here as I would like to see your update on how it's going as I will, too.

[IfiKnewThen]

i am really sad to hear this and actually quite shocked. like i said in the beginning of my letter..you knew him best, but less now and i dont know him at all.

 

but from what i read in the books and see in life and the way like you said your friends and the forum here too....thought it looked like this guy wanted a second chance. so its shocking.

 

the only consolation i can say (and i am afraid to say anything at this point i didnt want to help mislead you) ...

 

 

is that this time, he will see a secure person (because before he tried to act like you were being all insecure thinking he was on the rebound or worrying about things). this time he saw you trying to understand his side, his letter and would be willing to work on things. now he can feel like a louse for losing the best kick a....... girlfriend ever! what guy wouldn't want this or you? youre smart. your sensitive. you weigh things. you acted like he could make you happy. ya know what...you DID try!!! you did it in the here and now. you addressed the situation at the time. you may have regret now...but God willing as time goes on, you will keep seeing the goodness and person you are, in yourself! seriously his loss. give it time........go with your gut. do what you feel is best and you can live with.

 

i really wanted to see this work out. keep working on yourself and making yourself happy some how everyday. its up to him to work on HIM now.

 

you were classy and cool and straightforward..

 

if he doesnt regret this someday he is a real fool.

 

god bless and hang in there. you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. he does for sending mixed signals and letting a good woman be lost to him by his own hand and doing.

Edited November 8, 2011 by IfiKnewThen

[LSgirl]

Thanks for replying "ifIknewthen" and following onto this thread still! I don't blame any forum/friends for letting me think it was a second chance as I, too, thought he wanted to make it work again.

 

I have no idea still WHY he wouldn't want to try again, unless there is another reason. I don't think he's seeing anyone else (as he has said) and it seems like "working on himself" sounds like a cop out. Aren't we ALL working on ourselve everyday? At the same time, do I want to be with someone who seems confused, a mess, and toying with my emotions? No, yet my heart is still open to him.

 

I've never been in a position like this before and the rejection is awful. I know this is a huge growing pain for me, but I feel like if I'm so wonderful, cool, and what not, why is this so hard? It's not me, it's HIS problems.

 

If he contacts me again (or tries to dangle the carrot) I will update here and hopefully my next move will be to ignore him. We'll see, but thanks for keeping this thread alive!

[LSgirl]

UPDATE!

OMG I'm about to lose my mind. So for the past 3 hours, I've been sitting in front of my computer contemplating taking him off my relationship status. (We broke up 2.5 weeks ago but neither of us changed it on Facebook) Everytime I have the urge to do it, my heart starts racing and can't do it. This whole day I've been thinking about taking him off for some reason. THEN, as I was just about to find myself doing it, click on the status to change, my phone beeps with an e-mail. it's HIM!

He sent me 3 old pics of us together and wrote this:

It's that bad man again, writing some stupid email that's just going to make ya mad. I'm assuming that's the thought right about now. I wanted to call for the last couple of days but I didn't wanna catch you at happy hour with the ladies. I'd probably have a hit put out on me. "He said what?! Imah keel em, you don't worry about a thing girlfriend." Or something a bit more derogatory. But neway, I've been thinking alot about the other night and you in general. And if the offer is still on the table, I'd like to try that date out. If its too late and your over it, I understand. But I included some of the better pic's from my phone to add to the collection. I think the 1277 would make a great one if you just wanna crop out that guy in it. And this could be a great opportunity to shut me down epically if you want too. But if you still feel the same as you did Sunday, I still owe you one overdue foot rub and quite a few drinks to say the least. I really want to let out some good mushy stuff right now but I'm going to wait to see if I'm shut down

 

So, what do I do?! The whole point (obviously im in the Getting Back Together forum) but I feel like this is ANOTHER thing he's doing (like the letter he sent me) where it seems like he wants to get back together. And why did he say "if the offer is still on the table, I'd like to try that date out" what date?! I asked for another chance. But if I don't respond, then he will assume I'm shutting him down and over it. But I'm still very hurt that I was rejected the last time I saw him when he sent that letter, it confused the hell out of me. How do I know he's still not confused? What do I say? I don't want to respond to him tonight and will wait until tomorrow, or do I even respond? Please help! This is driving me crazy. My emotions are not to be messed with!

[whichwayisup]

I think he cares and loves you more than he's able to say and that's freaking him out. Fear of getting hurt, fear of intimacy, fear of getting close to another woman. How long ago did he and his ex break up? is it possible that the hurt he felt from that, the pain etc, is still inside of him and that's why he's holding back with you?

 

He can't keep pulling your chain like this. I think you need to talk to him and make it clear that you DO want a relationship with him and he needs to figure out what he wants. Tell him you're giving him time and space to work on himself, figure things out but you won't wait too long. For your own sanity, put a time limit on it. I don't know if the new year is too long of a wait or too short of a wait for you, but I would aim for that. It gives him 2 months.

[LSgirl]

whichwayisup, yes we met 3 months after him and his 8 year ex-fiancee broke up. I knew going into it was a red flag but I took the risk. I can't tell if he actually loves me (he's never told me he loves me) but what if he's just lonely, can't handle missing me and trying to move on? How do I know that he's not going to keep putting an emotional wall up. I guarantee he's still hurt from his ex cheating on him (and maybe for years) but i feel like I lost some trust with him dumping me and then rejecting me after I reach out to him.

 

When you say to put a time limit (of course I won't tell him of this time limit, it'll be just for me) but does that mean that I don't go back INTO the relationship, or just "date" him and see where it goes? When he says "if the offer is still up, i would like that date" what does he mean by "date"? i wanted a 2nd chance into the relationship, not just a "date" so I don't even know what he means by that.

[IfiKnewThen]

omg i have to say that after reading his letter....the guy is so charming,

or he is a real charmer. : )

 

i so agree with whichway is ups advise...seems to be good to go with that. i really like it!

 

heres what you might want to start with tho...(who knows)

 

when he said:

 

I really want to let out some good mushy stuff right now but I'm going to wait to see if I'm shut down

 

 

say "oh no you owe me some of that whats in your heart. so ahead and mush: and then we will see about that date ; )

 

 

i 'm curious to hear how much more he would put on the line if he had that date.

 

but basically i say go for it...but the way the other posted suggested.

 

but maybe toy with him a little while your at it. not play games. lol i want to know if he'll admit how much he really wants you back. good luck. stay strong and focused.

[IfiKnewThen]

ps i dont know if he wants you back. testosterone could be racing. but the pictures....the words....sounds like he wants to do something. but like you said, you want a relationship not a date. but the date may lead into that, because you cant now go from nothing...nothing healed....to something. so a date is a date. a possible beginning for healing. (in my mind)

[LSgirl]

Thanks for responding! I'

m

thinking about saying something like "If you want to get coffee sometime just let me know" that way he'll have to reach out to me and ask. Good idea? Or should I say. "I'

m

confused" or ugh, I have no idea..pls help me on what to say and when I should e-mail him back (he e-mailed last night).

 

I also don't want to take any scraps and I definitely don't want to be an emotional wreck if things don't go as planned. I need to go into it with no expectation of getting back together. I want him to really show he wants this again. I really just don't get what's going on his mind and it's not fair to me.

Edited November 11, 2011 by LSgirl

[IfiKnewThen]

ugh i lost my whole response to you. how frustrating

 

 

it went something like this:

 

do you think saying to him "If you want to get coffee sometime just let me know" might empower him, instead of the other way around?

 

do you think maybe it sounds like "i am saying yes to you, so if you want coffee "sometime" just you let me know? like as if youre saying yes, but now its up to him to call you if he wants "sometime" and let you know how he feels?

 

 

i dont know, i just wouldnt want him to have the power now and get smug, (if hes not sincere in intention), and think ok..thats a yes (to man) and now i decide when and if i still want to.

 

do you think maybe that could happen?

 

maybe (ONLY if you think its BEST...dont want you to regret a thing here) say something like...

 

"that sounds like a plan, 'a date". i accept your offer. (making you in control), and what is the stuff you want to let out? now that i accepted this one (key word) offer. : ). (this way when you say one offer, it means he still has to work for you....but you give him some encouragement with the ONE date you accepted) and you try to draw him out more, before hand with trying to find out what mushy stuff he wants to let out".

 

 

what do you think?

[IfiKnewThen]

lol i know that sounds confusing but it PLEASE read it again or a few times if you have to. i want to be clear on this as possible

 

 

so this is how it would look

 

"that sounds like a plan, "a date". i accept your offer. and what is the stuff you want to let out? now that i accepted this one offer. : ).

[LSgirl]

So

after 3 days, I responded to his e-mail about meeting up for a date. I wrote "Sure, call me and we can get coffee sometime". That was 5hrs ago and no response. He also accepted some girl's friend request on Facebook just now and I know he's at his best friend's birthday BBQ at his house. I feel like yeah it's only been 5hrs but I feel like I'

m

losing my mind. I need to be cool, calm and collected, but after finally reaching out, I sort of wish he would be eager to see me. Did I wait too long to respond?

 

I know I should just continue to move on, but now that I finally reached out again, I would like a response from him. Maybe he's trying to play it cool and not call right away? I know this is

so

dumb, but the amount of emotions that go by just from responding to an e-mail, I feel like I'

m

letting go some power. How long do I wait to know if he still feels the same as he did 3 days ago in that e-mail?