Husband values my vajayjay more than me as a woman; how do I get through to him??

[Cdw5612]

Hello all, I'm a newb here and my first post will be a long one

 

I have been married to my husband for a little over 4 years. Most of our relationship has been really rough. I have two boys from a previous relationship, he has a daughter as well, and we have one on the way together. He has always been a great father to my sons but has been denied a relationship with his daughter.

 

He has been deployed twice during our marriage which equals to a little over two years total time. During both deployments and while he was home after the first one, he cheated on me by chatting and exchanging nude photos online with women that he portrayed to me as his "friends". Needless to say, I have some major trust issues with him.

 

I am still within the first trimester of my pregnancy and I have some pretty major fears. One is that I'm afraid that once this baby is born, my husband will have little use for me and my boys any longer. My fears are based on his actions. He is normally really loving toward our kids, but lately he just snaps out on them over the smallest things. Also, since I have dealt with two boys for the past 7 years, I wouldn't mind another boy. He wants a girl. I think he really just wants to replace the lost relationship with his daughter. Also, he had fears for years that he was unable to get a girl pregnant (not even sure his daughter is really his but he loves her too much to find out for sure) so I feel like now that he's gotten me pregnant and proved his manhood, he won't have use for me anymore.

 

He complains that I don't want anything to do with him sexually, but when I try to come on to him, he pulls away from me. He spends the majority of his day in another room with his face buried in his computer screen (he's on leave right now, but when he's not he comes home and goes straight to the computer for the rest of the evening and all day on the weekends unless I drag him out of the house). We have had issues in the past with his computer use and even though I have forgiven him, I'm still cautious because he has started to exhibit those same secretive behaviors he showed when he was cheating. Since he spends most of his day on his computer and rejects any kind of physical contact with me when I initiate it, when he decides he wants some, I am totally turned off.

 

Sometimes I feel like he fell in love with what's between my legs and he feels like he's entitled to have it when he wants. However, when I want it, he pushes me away then gets mad when I'm not in the mood. I have explained to him numerous times that my sex drive is directly connected to my emotions. Basically, you hurt my feelings, you hurt your chances of getting some. We haven't had sex in about a month. He has zero sympathy or knowledge of what a woman goes through during pregnancy so he thinks that the only reason that I say I'm nauseous or have a headache or am exhausted is because I want to get out of having sex.

 

I snapped on him yesterday and told him to go online and ask one of his little girlfriends what they went through while they were pregnant so that maybe he can believe it's true since I'm such a liar. This is another thing he has done throughout our marriage. He has all these so called female friends that he'll run and talk to about our marriage instead of talking to me. If they tell him that I'm being unreasonable, then that's what he believes. Instead of hearing me out and having a dialogue with me, he sits there stone faced then turns around and gets on his little computer and talks about us to his friends.

 

I am really resentful. When we first got married, he told me that he was uncomfortable with me having male friends so I cut off the few close male friendships that I did have, but he maintains friendships with females. I don't have any guy friends to turn to and I seriously consider trying to do to him what he has done to me, but I honestly don't have it in me. The very thought of cheating in any way makes me sick.

 

I love my husband. I just find myself constantly falling in and out of love with him and I hate it. Lately I have been thinking that I would rather go back to being a single parent than stay married to him because no matter what happens between us, he doesn't change (or he changes long enough to gain my trust back then goes back to his same old ways). I feel like he's playing a game with me and I'm sick and tired of being toyed with. We tried counseling but he quit because he felt like he was being attacked when the counselor kept telling him that he can't expect my forgiveness overnight for his cheating.

 

What's a girl to do? I love him, just don't like him all the time and I'm sick of feeling like my value is in what's between my legs. I don't want to start over, but I'm willing to if things don't change. Sorry this is soooooo long just trying to get as much info out there as possible in order to get back the best advice

[RiverRunning]

There are a few curious things here. I really hope you found out about evidence of his cheating after you got pregnant - if you got pregnant knowing all of the stuff he's pulled in the past (and in such a short marriage), it probably wasn't the best chice. Like Older and Wiser said, now you're tied to this guy to some degree for the next 18 years.

 

You say he was 'denied' a relationship with his daughter. Exactly how? That screams to me that he's just not gone to bat for his daughter, which suggests exactly what kind of dad he'll likely be to your coming children. Was he physically, emotionally or sexually abusive to the daughter or her mother? Otherwise, fathers WILL get rights to see their children at least every now and then. Is the daughter across the country and it's very difficult for him to travel and see her? I'm not buying the "denied permission" thing unless there was something more serious going on here, in which case he doesn't deserve to see her.

 

That said...he is dropping out of therapy because his FEELINGS were hurt? Because he doesn't want someone to remind him that he was a bad little boy? He's using all of these women as emotional confidantes. I can't even believe he gets on his computer to whine about you while you're right there. That's something that teenagers do with their mothers.

 

He's cut you off from your male friends while he gets free run? Nuh-uh. You don't get to date someone, then, on the eve of the wedding, say, "By the way, you need to do x, y, and z." Unless these were friendships that developed in the course of the relationship (and if he wanted you to cut off guys, then he needed to cut off the girls), he had no right to barge in and suggest that you cut it out in the least. Couples need to hash out who talks to who at the outset, not when they're marrying.

 

He's aggressive, even a little childish, and I'd say odds are very good he's using the computer to escape from your marriage again. I am sorry to say that I think he's going to continue hurting you throughout your marriage. It's time for you to have a very frank conversation with him, in which you outline all of his current behaviors, how they make you feel, specifically how you want him to change, and when you need the changes to start happening.

 

Barring that, it is time for you to move on and never look back. Start looking into a divorce. Start figuring out where you and your sons can go. Find a strong support network to carry you through what will likely be a difficult time.

 

You may always have to have him in your life, but you won't have to be married to him.

 

It is very disconcerting that he wants sex on HIS schedule and rejects all of your advances. I am in a similar situation - I've ended up losing my sex drive after so much rejection. I do think it is a form of control - he says if and when. He gets to be the 'savior' who releases you from your sexual tension.

[Cdw5612]

I have pushed him time and again about forcing a relationship with his daughter. Her mother is bitter, one of those women that wants the money and wants to see the man alone. Mind u she has been married longer than we have and she has four other children. I have told him that I think he uses the fact that he's been deployed most of his ten year military career as an excuse to not pursue visitation because he's scared of his daughters mom. That being said, he is great to our boys for the most part I just think he might be so screwed up from so many deployments and it's sad. It's like he doesn't know how to function in a non combat situation. He's getting out in a couple of years and I am unsure of how well he will be able to adjust to civilian life.

 

I do agree that he's being childish about the counseling. He has issues with manning up to his flaws and admitting when he's wrong. Things had changed drastically between us for a while which is how I wound up pregnant But now that I am it seems like we're going backwards. After our last reconciliation (because I have left him in the past) I told him all the crap from the past needs to stay in the past and that if he drags any of that ish into our future I'm back out the door and ain't coming back.

 

I will sit down with him and give him an ultimatum: counseling or I'm done. I know that between the military and his childhood he has some issues but that's not my fault. We need couples and individual counseling. I'm just fed up with going backwards u know? I have more lives that I'm responsible for that are way more important than his ego.

[Tiberius]

It sounds like he is still afraid to get attatched again.

[dreamingoftigers]

Actually I suggest taking it one step further. This guy has some serious, serious maturity issues.

 

Move out and make it clear that you will stay out until you feel that you can both function as a married couple.

 

After the **** pit I went through with my own husband, I would totally recommend that for someone in your situation. That way he can't do the whole "yeah yeah yeah whatever" thing in counseling while you are begging to repair your marriage.

 

He either tries, or fails and both ways you get to see if he is worth it enough as a man and partner to keep building a life with.

 

Don't think that he wouldn't do the same in a heartbeat. You know in your heart that he would.