Next to zero sex - feel rejected ...

[spanner]

Hi,

 

 

My wife and I have hardly any sex - it was good back in the early days but not it is non existent (once or twice every other month). I have a strong sex drive - and for some strange reason have gone along the road of "It might get better tomorrow" She is always too tired or just wants a cuddle, does not initiate sex very well (a nudge or a kick is her idea) I personally have had too many knock backs from her, so do not know what the signs are for sex - if they exist.

 

She knows there is a problem but does nothing about it. Anything I suggest is simply ignored or I am told I have a one tracked mind. She wears more clothes at night than she does in the day sometimes - then parades around naked when she gets ready for work. This drives me crazy, I feel totally frustrated , she does have a lovely body - is this mind games? have I missed the cue to leave?

 

On top of this she has fallen pregnant - this is after 6 years of trying IVF, IUI etc. During the last IVF she would not express her feelings - I was reading them on a IVF/INFERTILITY forum I put her onto. Whilst I am pleased about the prospect of becoming a dad, the underlying problem is lack of sex still exists. I feel now she is pregnant, she has got what she wants and I am of no use other than the roof over head & food. Why she cannot see what this is doing is beyond me, she could not cope on her own. When the baby comes I will not be able to cope. I had hoped the pregnancy may hit on her intimate side .... not so far.

 

I try to suggest things showering together, go to bed early (she then says lets just have a cuddle) she is not interested. I have bought sexy underwear - she took it back. Foreplay is really hard work it just does not flow I get frustrated at her lack of knowledge on intimacy & trying to satisfy me. She does not like to touch me down below - oral is out of the question. If I try to kiss her she at times turns away says her asthma is bad - I view it all as rejection. I have had relationships in the past all of which were very satisfying. I want this relationship to work but I am accused of having a go if I say that things are still the same. I do leave it for a month or so between mentioning things, but never does she try to sort things out.

 

Am I being unreasonable or out of order? The longer it goes on the more I start to doubt myself. Should we both walk away and get on with our lives? We are in the middle of emmigrating to Canada but the way things are going I think I could be going alone?

 

I just cannot see what lies ahead she knows what the issues are but fails to act. She's even seen a clairvoyant who even mentioned that our sex life is not very good, & she needs to sort it out and cannot afford to lose me.... she's done nothing.

 

Any suggestions appreciated

[Papillon]

That sucks.

 

A weak sex drive is never a problem, unless you're the one not getting any. I cannot imagine what utter torture it must be to be in a relationship like that.

 

The crappy thing about it is that if you decide to leave, you might feel like you've been branded as someone who cannot commit, just because you're not getting any. If that were true, it would be terrible of you, but obviously it runs a lot deeper than that - the lack of sex is just a symptom of some other malady in your relationship or her personality.

 

Taking back the sexy underwear makes me FURIOUS! That's such a cold-hearted slap in the face.

 

Perhaps it would be a good idea if you took some time off from each other. But long-term, the coming baby is a big factor.

[PUHLEEEEZE...]

You are not being unreasonable - intimacy is part of being married, and both partners are responsible for "holding up" their end of the bargain.

 

 

Get the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. Read it first, and then ask your wife to read it. It sure opened my eyes about how I had been treating my wonderful, loving husband.

 

Your wife owes it to your unborn child to ensure he/she has a stable homelife - ideally with a mommy and a daddy (yes, believe it or not... you ARE an important part of this equation)!!!

[moimeme]

People here have recommended a book called 'The Sex-Starved Marriage'. Dr. Laura tends to be extremely moralistic.

[giznad]

I fell your pain. Me and my wife have been together for 10 years and married for 5. We have 3 kids and after the last kid she got her tubes tied and her sex drive have been low. I tried talking to her about it and it didn't work. I even offered to go to a store and buy some naughty movies and she turned it down. Spanner, my wife pushed me away and it makes me feel like she really can't stand to be with me. I'm sorry I have no good advice for you. I wish you all the luck.

[spanner]

Thanks for all your support & suggestions. I will look to ordering a few books and see where it leads.

 

A great forum with great contributors .... thanks

[PUHLEEEEZE...]

moimeme: Dr. L. is moralistic - and that's a good thing! If something is wrong, its WRONG. She doesn't condemn the PERSON - she condemns the ACTION - and holds those responsible for it. And for goodness sakes, when you're dealing with issues like marriage and babies, the one thing you should base decisions on is GOOD MORALS!

[Moose]

Spanner,

Another site you might check out: http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/garychapman/ , this has been a huge help in that area for my wife and I and I firmly believe that if everyone on here took the advice of this guy, it would put this forum in jeapordy....lol. Find out what "love language" you wifes speaks, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. Once you have that figured out.....it's all about delivery.....this has saved a many of battles between my wife and I and we are a lot happier than we have been over the 16 years we've been Married.....good Luck!!!

[SoleMate]

Try the book The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis. She talks to both partners - the low and the high drive one. She encourages both people to address the issue of achieving a satisfying physical relationship. It's not just the problem of the high drive partner.

 

If your wife wants to keep you, she needs to meet your needs. She may want you for financial support, companionship, cuddling, and parenting. Fine. You want the same, plus sex. You can both meet each other's needs if you learn what they are and how to do it. She'll find that you're nicer to be around if you are getting satisfied physically.

 

BTW...no more babies until you have fixed this situation. And be aware that after she gives birth, she will NOT be sexual for a while.

 

have I missed the cue to leave?

No, I don't think she is teasing you or trying to drive you away. She is probably being quite honest when she says that she is tired or doesn't want to perform certain activities. So that is a problem for BOTH of you to work on. Try the book - it has specific suggestions for how to cope.

 

Good luck, my sympathies. I know it is a lonely space that you are in. There is hope.

[Kristine]

I have a couple of thoughts. One is that she's pregnant and just doesn't feel sexy anymore. Perhaps the body smells are making her sick. Pregnant women's senses are extremely sensitive, topped with ashma she's really ultrasensitive to smells.

 

The other thought is one you don't want to hear but if this hasn't just started iwth pregnancy it may be the problem. She in this relationship for money/security, not love, and that is why she is so distant. If that's the case then marriage counseling is necessary (especially if a child is on the way). Perhaps she can work through whatever is holding her back, maybe she's angry about something that happened between you early in the relationship and is still holding onto that anger. But you've said a few things that leads me to believe she married you for the wrong reasons. Marriage counseling will at least determine if you can build on what connections you have or need to end things.

 

Good Luck,

Kristine