bta614 Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 Its been eight months since I found out that boyfriend cheated on me. When he told me we had been together for a year and a half.Ok so I knid of need to give some background info..... Throughout our relationship there were three girls that were kind of causing a problem for me in our relationship. It was his ex of 2.5 years, his best girl friend who lives far away, and a girl that hung out in his circle of friends who obviously had a crush on him (and was always a total bitch to me). During our relationship I was always very suspicous of all these girls. I had caught him a couple times talking to his ex behind my back, and though nothing was flirty that I found, he still lied to me about it. He was always texting the girl who lived far away, like at all hours of the night, after i would go to bed and stuff. and it was just very strange behavior. The other girl bothered me the most, but she wasnt around as much as the other girls. I had met her a couple times and she was always mean to me and then his other friends started to be mean to me. And I had no idea why any of this was happening but I was sure she was behind it, and I wanted him to do something about it. But he wouldnt. He always told me that I was just being paranoid and she didnt like him and nothing was going on. So then last july (2010.. so almost a year into our relationship). This girl started flirting with him on facebook. posting things that were very inappropriate and posting them very publicly. and we would fight about it because he still wouldnt confront her! and he still insisted that she didnt like him, that she was like that with all of the guys in there group of friends. finally last december i got him to agree that MAYBE she had feelings for him, but the facebook attacks had slowed down. Then this past march (eight months ago) she started with the facebook thing again, and he said he would take care of it. I was like FINALLY!!!! so i asked him to see the conversations because i wanted to see what she had to say for herself and he refused to let me. So that was i knew something was really wrong. we got into a huge fight and he finally told me that he slept with her 3 months into our relationship. And i was completely shocked. I have never been more devastated in my entire life. I felt like our entire relationship had been a lie. because it wasnt like he chose me and just decided not to tell me because he didnt want to hurt me. Because i spent the next year of our relationship suffering for reasons i didnt know. And he continued to talk to her! he didnt just make a mistake and decide not to talk to her and devote himself to me. he kept talking to her!!! and i found conversations between them on skype were he was asking for naked pictures (he says he was just joking around cause they were friends, but who the **** jokes about that after you have slept with that person!!!!) I guess i kind of just assume that it wasnt a onetime thing. I dont believe him that he didnt continue to sleep with her or other girls. And to find out that everyone knew that they slept together (everyone except for me) is just humiliating. Now its 8 months later and the only things that have changed is that I dont cry as much anymore, and i dont talk to my friends about it anymore, and i dont almost throw up when i think about it. but other than that... i think i am just as hurt as i was. and i dont think i can ever trust him again. i know that he loves me, but he has some huge character flaws that led him to do this and i dont know if those will change or if he will do this again. i am so paranoid all the time. I am super depressed. I have probably gained 5lbs and i feel like a fat cow. i just dont know how to feel better or if i will ever feel better. should i just leave him and try to move on? its been eight months now,does this mean i will never get over it? i am so lost and hurt and confused i am not sure were to go from here. i need some advice, some people to talk to. this situation has so many horrible layers to it, and i did the best i could to explain (sry its so long). hopefully what i wrote makes some sense. thanks for any help in advance... Link to post Share on other sites
Popehappycat Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 Your story can be paraphrased to "He cheated on me X months ago and it still bothers me". Now, I'm not saying that to be harsh, but all the filler details become irrelevant. The way I see it, you have 2 choices with multiple outcomes. You either: A. Drop the loser because of what he did, or B. Stick with him, which leads to: I. You get over it and forgive him and continue on II. It keeps bothering you, it causes fights, he gets tired of it and leaves. Besides lying to you for most of your relationship, and even fighting with you to further continue and defend his lie, he doesn't seem to concerned about your feelings based on what you've said. His friends don't have to like you, but they HAVE to respect you. It looks like at this point you're "so and so's bitch", and he seems ok with it. Having the chick he swapped fluids with front and center in your group of friends is just disgusting and shows a complete disregard for you and he thinks you're too dumb to figure it out. They weren't even subtle, think about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bta614 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Share Posted November 5, 2011 I guess the problem is to me all that background stuff is important. Because of how long I was suffering without a reason. And how I didn't have any proof to back up how I felt. So he was just making me feel paranoid and crazy. So I guess I'm the only person who thinks it matters that he let her hurt me the way she did and how I was constantly being humiliated. He doesn't think that stuff is important either. And I guess I wasn't clear... I don't know HOW to just get over it. I have been trying but I can't. Everyone says just either forgive or move on. I need help figuring out how to decide when I should give up and how do I forgive him and what to do about how I feel in the mean time... Does that make sense???? Link to post Share on other sites
Popehappycat Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 What I meant about my filler comment was that it doesn't change the underlying facts about what happened. I didnt mean to imply your feelings don't matter, sorry. I'm sure a lot of us can relate to the feeling of humiliation that comes from being oblivious. Especially when apparently you're the last to know. You had no control over all that, but you do have control over what you decide to do about it. You don't HAVE to get over the cheating, and there isn't one thing or an entire encyclopedia of things you can do to get over it if you find that you can't let it go. Some people can, whether from lying to themselves or by having a genuinely remorseful partner willing to do whatever it takes to make things better. Based on what you've said already, I don't expect the latter. What you do is entirely up to you, because your feelings DO matter. Sorry if my replies seem so one sided, but cheating and lying are personally deal breakers for me, no matter how invested I might be. Link to post Share on other sites
Popehappycat Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 Oh, and I don't know how you can say "he let her hurt me". HE hurt you. Sure it was inconsiderate of her, but don't shift the blame. Hold HIM responsible for everything that's happened, regardless of how many characters were involved and you might find it easier to make your decision. Link to post Share on other sites
SWAN808 Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 you need to leave this guy. can you honestly see it working now? Link to post Share on other sites
lymtal1 Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 phc, read your story. i am sorry that this is happening to you. you don't deserve it. that said, you need to ask yourself is this how you see youself in a relationship? it is that simple at this point. Do you not think you deserve better? you do. Link to post Share on other sites
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