I became the other woman...

[huskers11]

I met this guy at the bar (I know that was a bad idea) in mid-September and we have talked every day since.. That night we actually shared our first kiss.. About 2 weeks ago, he called me up and wanted to go out on a date. We had a great time and since then have hung out 5 or 6 times. Things definitely did move a lot quicker than I wanted to but it felt right. A few days after our first date, we got really carrried away and ended up having sex. Well in the past week/week & a half I've spent the night at his house 3 times, having sex each time. The last time being two days ago and it was seriously amazing.. We had sex, then talked for a few hours before falling asleep and cuddling the entire. It just felt so comfortable and like a relationship. I seriously haven't had feelings like this for a guy since my ex.

 

Last night, I got onto facebook and decided to see if I could find his profile. He had another girl in his profile picture so I called him up and asked him a series of questions. I asked if he had a girlfriend, he said yes.. I asked if he ever had feelings for me, he said yes.. I asked if he loved his gf and he said he didn't know. Then I asked if this was the first time he's ever cheated on her, and he said yes. I ended the conversation saying that I wasn't going to make him choose but I wasn't going to see him anymore while he was dating her. Judging by facebook, it looks like they've been together for almost a year now. I feel so heartbroken, betrayed, guilty.. I talked to several friends and they all agreed I should send her an email and tell her. Which I did, I just keep thinking if I was her I'd want to know especially I'm really not sure if this is the first time he's done it.. I wanna say it is and that he really did like me and maybe things weren't going that great between them.. And I think I did the right thing telling her but I really have no idea..

 

I feel incredibly stupid for getting myself into this mess and (I hate to admit this because I know how sad and pathetic it will sound) but I still want to be with him. I still want a chance at a relationship with him but I know that isn't smart and it's a terrible idea..

 

Anybody else been in my position? Am I being dumb for believing his excuses? I just don't understand how he could do this...

[Lemon Drop]

Husker,

 

I come from a generation that thinks a little differently than yours.... we held to the belief that if someone was not married, they were free to make their own choices and change their mind to be with someone else. Someone who was engaged might even change their minds.

 

He must live alone or you wouldn't be able to sleep over, he isn't hiding that he has a GF because it's on his FB. I don't agree with letting the GF know, perhaps that was a bit of a push to make her break up with him? Seems like that might make him a little angry for you to reach into his relationship and tell her news that was his to tell. I would not be with someone who did that, your issue is not with her, it's him. You could have told him you found out, you can't see him anymore because you don't like the situation and let him decide whether to still see you and cut things off with her. By telling his GF, you put it in her hands, not his.

 

Just as there are all kinds of people, there are all kinds of opinions about this, but you already contacted her, so that is done. You should probably consider that your time with him is over and move on. There's too much drama already.

[huskers11]

Thank you for response.. I appreciate your input! First I did put the ball in his court. I told him I wasnt going to make him choose but I wasnt going to be with him while he was dating her. Second them breaking up would be a benefit but more than anything I thought she deserved to know. I know Id want to know. But I really had no idea was the right or wrong response is. This was a very hard decision for me.

[huskers11]

No I didn't ask him. He approached me at the bar and has pursued me since. I just figured he was a good guy and was single. Looking back, I should have asked but I've never been in a situation like this before so I didn't think about it! Um, I honestly have no idea if I would go. I would probably go to hear him out and listen to what he had to say but not for anything physical. And it's not that I find the act of cheating appealing whatsoever, I find it disguesting and I cannot believe I have been hurt for the 3rd time in the past year. The last 2 guys, that includes this one, shouldn't have happened.. I trusted the wrong guys.. But with that being said, I'm a very loyal person and when I commit to sometime I have a hard time giving up. Before I found out about the girlfriend, I saw great potential there.. I haven't had interest & feelings like this for a guy since my ex last January. So it's hard for me to let that go. I ended it with him telling him I wasn't going to be with him at the same time as her.. But I do miss him and hope he chooses me.. I realize he may cheat on me too but I believe people cheat for a reason and I think him cheating may have something to do more with his relationship with her than him as a person!

[norajane]

I realize he may cheat on me too but I believe people cheat for a reason and I think him cheating may have something to do more with his relationship with her than him as a person!

That is generally not true. Because lots of people have issues in their relationships, but they don't all choose to cheat. Cheaters are the ones with poor conflict resolution skills, or the ones who feel entitled to whatever they want when they want it regardless of how it hurts other people.

 

He cheated on his gf and hurt her by doing so. He hurt you because he was a selfish dick who didn't tell you he had a gf and cheated on you, too. He hurt both of you. He is the problem, not his relationship.

[huskers11]

That post deserves a drumroll!

 

100% spot on and I hope the op does some reading about affairs because she will soon figure out that what nora said is true. It's the man.......not his g/f.

 

I seriously have no idea what to think about this whole situation. I have never experienced anything like this and I am thoroughly confused about it all.

 

I feel like I should clearify what I said before. I'm not saying the g/f was or wasn't fulfilling his needs or it's her fault or anything like that. It was his choice, it's his fault. I just believe people cheat for a reason. I think it usually has something to do with something inside the relationship no longer making them happy or working and instead of ending it or working through it like they should, they cheat instead. It's like they are trying to find what they are missing from their relationship from somewhere else.. Now I'm not in their relationship and I cannot say if this is or isn't the case. For all I know, he could very well be that type guy who just doesn't know how or doesn't want to be faithful. I just believe that when you are fully committed and love someone cheating won't even cross your mind. I know with all of my previous boyfriends I have never once thought of cheating because I loved/respected them and I was getting everything I wanted from the relationship. I just wonder if maybe that is the case with , let's call him, R.

[alexandria35]

I seriously have no idea what to think about this whole situation. I have never experienced anything like this and I am thoroughly confused about it all.

 

I feel like I should clearify what I said before. I'm not saying the g/f was or wasn't fulfilling his needs or it's her fault or anything like that. It was his choice, it's his fault. I just believe people cheat for a reason. I think it usually has something to do with something inside the relationship no longer making them happy or working and instead of ending it or working through it like they should, they cheat instead. It's like they are trying to find what they are missing from their relationship from somewhere else.. Now I'm not in their relationship and I cannot say if this is or isn't the case. For all I know, he could very well be that type guy who just doesn't know how or doesn't want to be faithful. I just believe that when you are fully committed and love someone cheating won't even cross your mind. I know with all of my previous boyfriends I have never once thought of cheating because I loved/respected them and I was getting everything I wanted from the relationship. I just wonder if maybe that is the case with , let's call him, R.

 

So when your previous boyfriends stopped meeting your needs then did you cheat on them? Did you think since they stopped making you happy that you had the right to lie, deceive and humilitate them by cheating? Your love interest has absolutely no good reason for this. He isn't married to his gf, doesn't have children with her, he doesn't even live with her for pete's sake? So he can't even do the usual whine about how it's so hard to leave because he'll miss the kids and he doesn't want to give up his assets. His cheating says EVERTHING about him and nothing about his relationship or his gf. You probably think he won't cheat on you because you will be so much better at giving him everything he needs, except that it's impossible to meet somebody elses needs 100% of the time and he sounds like a guy who figures he deserves to have all of his needs met all of the time.

[norajane]

I seriously have no idea what to think about this whole situation. I have never experienced anything like this and I am thoroughly confused about it all.

 

I feel like I should clearify what I said before. I'm not saying the g/f was or wasn't fulfilling his needs or it's her fault or anything like that. It was his choice, it's his fault. I just believe people cheat for a reason. I think it usually has something to do with something inside the relationship no longer making them happy or working and instead of ending it or working through it like they should, they cheat instead. It's like they are trying to find what they are missing from their relationship from somewhere else.. Now I'm not in their relationship and I cannot say if this is or isn't the case. For all I know, he could very well be that type guy who just doesn't know how or doesn't want to be faithful. I just believe that when you are fully committed and love someone cheating won't even cross your mind. I know with all of my previous boyfriends I have never once thought of cheating because I loved/respected them and I was getting everything I wanted from the relationship. I just wonder if maybe that is the case with , let's call him, R.

 

This dude tricked you into a relationship. He started the whole thing off with you by lying to you about who he is and the life he is leading. And he never stopped lying from then on, throughout what you thought was the beginning of a relationship.

 

Why aren't you grateful that you found out before you got deeper involved with this guy who tricked you? Psychoanalyzing him will do you no good. Think about why you are attracted to this self-destructive drama.

[huskers11]

I understand where all of you are coming from and I really appreciate it.. Like I said, I haven't ever dealt with this before so I have no idea what to believe or expect. I have a tendency to believe the best in people I care about and I think this situation I just really want it to work out because I've been hurt by 3 different men in the past 9 months. The first being by my ex who I really loved then in August I got played and now this. I'm just hoping to have a happy ending for once. I'm realist and I see multiple side to most situations. To be frankly, it usually confuses me and in this situation I want to be right for once. I want him to be the guy I initially thought he was. I wanna be able to have hope and I know wishing for this is really pathetic and I'm setting myself up but I don't know what else to do. I broke things off with him, I told his girlfriend about everything, and I've made it clear where I stand on everything but I still want things to work out differently..

[norajane]

I've been hurt by 3 different men in the past 9 months.

 

 

Take a break from men! I'm guessing your head isn't very clear about your life and yourself these days, which could be why you're vulnerable to the bad guys. Take a break from dating for a while. Work on healing and don't worry about men for a while. Take care of yourself first.