GG3 Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 Anyone here ever date someone with anger management problems? Anyone ever know anyone that went to counseling for it? I've been dating this guy for years. He finally signed up for counseling finally. He has admitted he thinks he has a problem. I've decided if he can't work on himself in some way, I will have to move on.
Mrlonelyone Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 How do you mean "Anger management issues"? Anger is totally natural. The problem, as what it's called implies, is what he does with it. Hitting the wall, or working out angrily, or going for a long run, or writing angry things in a journal.... are all natural and the kinds of things anger management classes will tell him to do. Hitting you, threatening you or others, being verbally denigrating to you...those aren't anger mangement problems. Those are being an abusive @$$hole problems. If the first thing is the issue then there really isn't a problem. If the second thing is the issue then the solution is just to get out of the relationship if you can.
ja123 Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 It's good to hear that he's going for therapy. If you've been involved this long with someone who has these issues, then you, too, probably need some therapy also. Start by looking into codependency.
Author GG3 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 Thanks. I went to a really good counselor last year and it was really helpful. He wouldn't go back then.
Author GG3 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 Well he's not throwing things although I have seen him do that once. He throws fits or temper tantrums when things don't go his way. And if things aren't his way 100% of the time, he gets angry. When he starts to get like that, he gets passive-aggressive and starts doing things to punish me. Such as yesterday he starts to "tell" me that I can pick up the check or "you're buying." I told him to please not tell me that I will buy, I like to offer myself. And he blew up. The reason we have that issue about how we agree on paying for things is that he tried to make me pay more than 50% of the time at one point for a few months and he admits to this. He said he did it on purpose to me at the time. When I finally caught on, I started to stop and say no, he blew up all the time. (he makes good money and wasn't at a job loss or anything during this time btw) I know just this little bit I make him sound bad. He's not like that all the time obviously or I wouldn't hang out with him.
carhill Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 The anger feeds the sweetness, that other side you find so endearing and attractive. Think of it as two sides to the same coin. The outbursts 'cleanse' his psyche, allowing the chemistry of care and love to take place. I'll bet, if you journaled this, you'd see a pattern. IMO, the only way to date anyone with such a psychology is by having strong personal boundaries and disengaging from negative behavior cycles, in other words, walking away after stating 'that's unacceptable', and reinforcing positive behavior cycles. I've faced this kind of anger cycle with women, as I've sure other men have as well. The process is relatively the same IME, except real spontaneous and injurious physical violence is more likely to happen man perpetrated upon woman than the reverse, so that's a risk.
Feelin Frisky Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 I have mixed feelings about "anger management" as a concept. Much of what we call "anger" is really fierce hatred of the release of "fight or flight" adrenaline in the gut--something which happens much faster than people can out-think it. Anger management can tend to ignore that there is a chemical component that puts people with that problem at a great disadvantage compared to others who don't. And it perpetuates a belief that certain people are just born with harsher temperaments and that they need to learn how to indulge that differently. It's not a "character issue" or a moral/ethical issue--that are just things that complicate and contribute to the underlying physical problem of over-release of fight or flight and instant frustrations with having to feel that and be powerless over putting that genie back in the bottle. Anger management surely helps a lot of people and relationships but I see it as primitive in that it ignores that people are unique and some receive a mental physiology that others consider extreme. Medicine offers new solution to retuning the neurotransmitter system which can result in a more well-defined presence of mind coming forward able to respond much quicker intellectually that the gut had responded before with overwhelming fight or flight adrenaline. That is something so nuanced but so powerful it has to be experienced to be accepted for its potential. Once a person achieve a changed balance in which "sense" can happen faster than feeling, the job of addressing all the other psycho-social contributors (like learned bad behaviour from childhood influences) to the previous angry personality becomes much easier. This has been my personal experience. I have no police record or history of violence or aggression toward other people but I have that natural release of fight or flight when something disturbs me and I know I hate how that feeling used to take me over and change my mood. I would slam things and curse a lot and amplify my own frustrations which would turn people around me off and have them wonder if I'm some kind of monster. Medication (Prozac) I took for the emotional disarray of a major relationship failure helped me sort all of this out in ways I could never have been taught in some class. I indeed "manage" my feelings much much better and don't even conclude that "anger" is what I feel when something doesn't go my way. I'll often say "I don't know what I feel yet" and the time it takes for me to reason it out is usually enough to show that I can be relied upon to choose the best way to see whatever it is and learn from it.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 I just ended an FWB relationship with a guy who had anger issues, and admitted he's struggled with that for years. When he was particularly afraid of losing me and our arrangement, he would resort to harassing and sometimes threatening behavior. I told him this was completely unacceptable to me, gave him a few chances to cut it out, and eventually ended it when I realized it was a pattern of behavior he could not control by himself. I strongly urged him to seek individual anger management therapy, in addition to the more general group therapy he's doing now. I think that when someone has a serious problem impacting their life and relationships like this, more serious measures are necessary. I think they need to understand the link between their behavior and real consequences (such as losing someone they care about) if they don't address and solve the problem. It's up to you to lay down those ground rules and enforce the boundaries. I hope it works out. Take care of yourself!
Author GG3 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 IMO, the only way to date anyone with such a psychology is by having strong personal boundaries and disengaging from negative behavior cycles, in other words, walking away after stating 'that's unacceptable', and reinforcing positive behavior cycles. I've faced this kind of anger cycle with women, as I've sure other men have as well. The process is relatively the same IME, except real spontaneous and injurious physical violence is more likely to happen man perpetrated upon woman than the reverse, so that's a risk. My counselor last year never said this directly, but it was one of the things I took away from the counseling. Not that I never said no before, but in the past I was afraid to walk away or gave in on things I should have said no to more.
Author GG3 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 I have mixed feelings about "anger management" as a concept. Much of what we call "anger" is really fierce hatred of the release of "fight or flight" adrenaline in the gut--something which happens much faster than people can out-think it. Anger management can tend to ignore that there is a chemical component that puts people with that problem at a great disadvantage compared to others who don't. And it perpetuates a belief that certain people are just born with harsher temperaments and that they need to learn how to indulge that differently. It's not a "character issue" or a moral/ethical issue--that are just things that complicate and contribute to the underlying physical problem of over-release of fight or flight and instant frustrations with having to feel that and be powerless over putting that genie back in the bottle. Anger management surely helps a lot of people and relationships but I see it as primitive in that it ignores that people are unique and some receive a mental physiology that others consider extreme. Medicine offers new solution to retuning the neurotransmitter system which can result in a more well-defined presence of mind coming forward able to respond much quicker intellectually that the gut had responded before with overwhelming fight or flight adrenaline. That is something so nuanced but so powerful it has to be experienced to be accepted for its potential. Once a person achieve a changed balance in which "sense" can happen faster than feeling, the job of addressing all the other psycho-social contributors (like learned bad behaviour from childhood influences) to the previous angry personality becomes much easier. This has been my personal experience. I have no police record or history of violence or aggression toward other people but I have that natural release of fight or flight when something disturbs me and I know I hate how that feeling used to take me over and change my mood. I would slam things and curse a lot and amplify my own frustrations which would turn people around me off and have them wonder if I'm some kind of monster. Medication (Prozac) I took for the emotional disarray of a major relationship failure helped me sort all of this out in ways I could never have been taught in some class. I indeed "manage" my feelings much much better and don't even conclude that "anger" is what I feel when something doesn't go my way. I'll often say "I don't know what I feel yet" and the time it takes for me to reason it out is usually enough to show that I can be relied upon to choose the best way to see whatever it is and learn from it. I wish my boyfriend would try some medication. We have mutual friends as we had met at work where I worked years ago and some people think he has some bipolar issues. I'm not sure he is the type that will be open to it thought.
Author GG3 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 By the way, the fact that he called a counselor and made an appointment really surprised me. We've discussed it before and I asked for years that he see a counselor. Some friends of ours, a married couple, were having some problems and started attending counseling. The husband has some anger issues himself and was cheating on his wife. It seems that my boyfriend is now more comfortable with the idea of seeing a counselor since her husband has been going on his own. He called the husband to talk to him and asked for his counselor's number.
curlygirl40 Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 IMO, the only way to date anyone with such a psychology is by having strong personal boundaries and disengaging from negative behavior cycles, in other words, walking away after stating 'that's unacceptable', and reinforcing positive behavior cycles. I've faced this kind of anger cycle with women, as I've sure other men have as well. The process is relatively the same IME, except real spontaneous and injurious physical violence is more likely to happen man perpetrated upon woman than the reverse, so that's a risk. I married one. And divorced him too. Wouldn't recommend it. Have a couple of great kids that I don't regret but aside from that... What Carhill says is something I wish that I had done. Set boundaries. Made sure he knew it was unacceptable to treat me that way. He was mentally and emotionally abusive. Never raised a hand towards me but ruled my life in many ways. I was very young when we married and I always wondered if in the beginning I was too afraid to stand up for myself so it made him think it was o.k to treat me that way. In the end I know he was surprised I divorced him because I took his treatment for so many years. Deep down he is a very insecure bully. I think if I stood up to him early on things might have turned out differently. I also highly suspect (and so do 3 psychiatrists who had met him while dealing with our son) that he has Aspergers and much of his outbursts were him trying to deal with situations which caused him anxiety. Like Dr. Phil says 'you teach people how to treat you'. Eventually I found some great books. The one that helped me the most was 'Why does he do that? Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft. These books helped me realize that he would never change, because he didn't acknowledge he had a problem. Best of luck to you.
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