Single men /MW psychological?

[jlola]

I have noticed a lot of single men are simply falling head over heals for MW. IRL I have seen many good-looking great guys who should have their choices of great single women ,claiming they have never had "chemistry" in the way they have had with the MW.

 

I even have a friend who dated a woman while she was single 6 years back. She had 2 small daughters 2,4. He said he did not want the responsibility and told her. She then went on to date and married another man. Well a few years go by and she contacts him. They get into this torrid 2 year love affair. He said they fell madly in love and he THEN wants to marry her. But her new husband is very rich and her greed kept her from leaving.

 

I have asked him why it is,when she was available his need for her was not bad and he let her go. But when she was married and they had a secret affair,all of the sudden their chemistry was off the hook.

 

 

He cannot explain, but is it psychological? Are men hunters and therefore love the chase, the competition married women offer? Is it fear of being abandoned and left for "The winner" that drives their anxiety for her?

 

I would think most affairs with men are for sex. But these days it seems the men are becoming as emotionally attached to MP as the single women.

[Yianks]

 

He cannot explain, but is it psychological? Are men hunters and therefore love the chase, the competition married women offer? Is it fear of being abandoned and left for "The winner" that drives their anxiety for her?

 

 

I am one of those single men you are referring to.

 

Can guarantee you that its a mixture of many things: chase, high andrenaline, who wins the 'prize', feelings etc.

 

A psychiatrist friend of mine supports the idea that single men involved with MW actually avoid love as they (we) subconsiously know that the odds of having her 24/7 are not high at all. Therefore, as she proclaims, they (we) are not interested in the real woman but the fantasy that surrounds the A.

Edited November 5, 2011 by Yianks

[carhill]

For single men who are pursuing casual, uncommitted relations, MW's make a pretty safe target. The chase can be exciting and the casual sex without general expectation of a relationship makes things 'safe' for both parties.

 

Personally, I've found MW's to be far more aggressive sexually and romantically than single women. Why? IMO, simply because it's 'safe' for them; their marriage is their strong fallback position. That, combined with the potential to 'hook' another man, is a strong impulsion to action.

[MissBee]

I have noticed a lot of single men are simply falling head over heals for MW. IRL I have seen many good-looking great guys who should have their choices of great single women ,claiming they have never had "chemistry" in the way they have had with the MW.

 

I even have a friend who dated a woman while she was single 6 years back. She had 2 small daughters 2,4. He said he did not want the responsibility and told her. She then went on to date and married another man. Well a few years go by and she contacts him. They get into this torrid 2 year love affair. He said they fell madly in love and he THEN wants to marry her. But her new husband is very rich and her greed kept her from leaving.

 

I have asked him why it is,when she was available his need for her was not bad and he let her go. But when she was married and they had a secret affair,all of the sudden their chemistry was off the hook.

 

He cannot explain, but is it psychological? Are men hunters and therefore love the chase, the competition married women offer? Is it fear of being abandoned and left for "The winner" that drives their anxiety for her?

I would think most affairs with men are for sex. But these days it seems the men are becoming as emotionally attached to MP as the single women.

 

I think sometimes that is indeed the case.

 

Both men and women can suffer from issues dealing with commitment phobia, emotional unavailability, fears of abandonment etc that lead them to choose people and situations that align with those, often subconscious fears.

 

Often with those types of fears...the more unavailable and unsuitable the candidate for an actual relationship, the more the chemistry and the greater the desire. I have experienced that "crazy-train" before.

[Woggle]

It's typical want what you can't have syndrome. They get the ego boost of getting a woman to leave a man. They feel like they have somehow won over the husband. It's for the same reasons women date MM. I would never touch a married woman and actually walked out in the middle of a date when I found out a woman was married.

[SoMovinOn]

I have noticed a lot of single men are simply falling head over heals for MW. IRL I have seen many good-looking great guys who should have their choices of great single women ,claiming they have never had "chemistry" in the way they have had with the MW.

 

In my single days, I ended up dating a number of MW. It seems one of the main reasons is, they are often very easy. I don't mean sexually, I mean more, easily impressed I suppose.

 

Men being what they are, many H's don't pay much attention to their W. They do everything right when they are dating her, but once they get married, she becomes just another piece of furniture. So, as a single guy, maybe you notice she did something different to her hair, maybe you point out that she looks particularly nice today. You do things that make her feel you pay more attention to her than her H does. It's not your intention. You're not trying to do something to get to her... you're just being yourself.

 

 

Once she has the idea you're paying attention to her while her H ignores her, maybe she starts getting a bit closer to you, maybe she hugs you in a way that's a bit more than friendly, maybe she starts letting you know she's interested in subtle, or not so subtle ways.

 

Compare that to single woman, who might be more demanding, who might act like they're doing you a favor simply by making themselves available to you. An attractive single woman might get hit on all the time, so anything you do, she takes to mean you're trying to get her into bed, so she puts up a defense.

 

Understanding everything involved, it's not so difficult to fathom how or why it happens.

[norajane]

You're not trying to do something to get to her... you're just being yourself

 

Perhaps that a good lesson to learn...try "just being yourself" with single girls, and a guy might actually get one. It's not just married women who prefer real human interactions instead of fake "trying to do something to get you" kind of interactions.

 

It seems ridiculous that a man would end up in an affair because a married woman is more visibly responsive to him than single girls who might reject him. It's not like he is going to get the MW, either. She'll still be married. Often, with children, too.

 

But you bring up an interesting point. Are OM's so into their MW because they don't have much luck with single women?

[jlola]

I think perhaps it is also because you get a sliver of the MW as opposed to having the whole pie. So a single man can imagine how life would be with MW in their own fantasy bubble. No friends or family, no everyday ho-hum to break the illusion.

 

I have been in relationships where it is time constraint. Not affairs, but those with chemistry,little time to spend together and obstacles of some sort. It is not till recently I have come to term with the fact the 2 men I fell madly in love with in the past,were the 2 who were more or less emotionally unavailable and we did not spend much "Physical time" together. Excitement,chaos and drama was part of it and my adrenaline was high.

[SoMovinOn]

Perhaps that a good lesson to learn...try "just being yourself" with single girls, and a guy might actually get one.

 

True enough. It worked equally as well with SW.

 

It's not like he is going to get the MW, either. She'll still be married. Often, with children, too.

 

I had no desire to have anything with the married women I dated other than sex.

 

But you bring up an interesting point. Are OM's so into their MW because they don't have much luck with single women?

 

I suppose that could be the case with some. As with anything, nothing is true of all people in a group. Each of them is an individual with their own motivations, desires and reasons.

[SoMovinOn]

I think perhaps it is also because you get a sliver of the MW as opposed to having the whole pie. So a single man can imagine how life would be with MW in their own fantasy bubble. No friends or family, no everyday ho-hum to break the illusion.

 

That seems to be a common fantasy - that A's are nothing but fantasy time. Some of them are as involved, in everything, as any other R.

[jlola]

That seems to be a common fantasy - that A's are nothing but fantasy time. Some of them are as involved, in everything, as any other R.

 

 

Unless MW is in an open relationship an affair will have secrets, have time constraint, intermitent time(as Christmas,holidays etc are not usually shared). ,obstacles,secrets,not getting together with friends and family as a couple to see how each interacts with friends and family,not paying bills together or sweating job,mortgage,stress of kids,sick parents that may need care,everyday ho-hum existence,last but not least "familiarity breeds contempt. Most affair partners are not with each other day in and day out 365 days a year to reach that level.

[SoMovinOn]

Unless MW is in an open relationship an affair will have secrets, have time constraint, intermitent time(as Christmas,holidays etc are not usually shared), obstacles, secrets, not getting together with friends and family as a couple to see how each interacts with friends and family,not paying bills together or sweating job,mortgage,stress of kids,sick parents that may need care,everyday ho-hum existence,last but not least "familiarity breeds contempt. Most affair partners are not with each other day in and day out 365 days a year to reach that level.

 

Yes, some A's will be exactly as you describe. Other affairs are nothing like that, even if the MM/MW isn't in an open R, even if the A is a secret.

 

In some A's, they do spend significant time together as a couple, maybe with friends and family. They may have an apartment together, they may have shared finances and financial obligations. They may spend considerable time together in an average, every day, ho-hum existence.

 

There are plenty of marriages where the couple doesn't spend 365 days a year together. Plenty where they are not together on holidays.

 

There are no single truths about relationships - not marriages, not affairs, not singles dating... they are made up of two unique individuals, and their relationship will likewise be unique. What is true of any one relationship may not be true of another.

 

The idea that all affairs are nothing but fantasy is false.

The idea that many affairs are nothing but fantasy is false.

Reality happens.

[East7]

I never had problems meeting women and dating. Despite this, when I met xMW it was very intense and passionate since the beginning. "I miss you-s/I love you-s" were employed way much earlier. She covered me with attentions, nice words, small gifts etc like no other woman before. It contributed to stimulate me emotionally.

 

I will not enter the "poor boundaries" debate, but I agree with Carhill, the xMW was very romantically "aggressive", way more flirty than any single women I had met. That contributed to feed and escalate the affair. She knew so well to seduce me and it worked.

 

I guess single women don't have at all the same approach, they don't really seek validation or try hard to seduce and they have a broad choice of single guys wanting to date them. They don't invest emotionally in the relationship as much as MW do (at least at the beginning).

 

Also, the fact that an A is full of barriers and it takes many efforts to meet together, it makes it look like an impossible kind of Love Story which puts it in a high romantic level, the same you found in books and movies, full or drama, obstacles etc.

 

In my case though, I don't think I loved xMW just because she was off limits or she was a challenge. Had she been single, I think I would have loved her the same way.

[Eddie Edirol]

Jlola I think in your friends case, that he fell for the woman when she was married because he was able to ride the relationship on his terms. When she was single, she probably pushed the commitment, and then it was a turnoff. He just wanted to chill and have sex and relax, and not escalate the relationship. SO now that shes married, he got to have his fun, her children were taken care of, he got to fall for her on his time table, so thats why he wants to marry her. He might have wanted to marry her before she was married, but maybe she wanted commitment too fast. if he really doesnt want the responsibility of her kids, they will have problems if she divorces her husband for him.

[jlola]

Yes, some A's will be exactly as you describe. Other affairs are nothing like that, even if the MM/MW isn't in an open R, even if the A is a secret.

 

In some A's, they do spend significant time together as a couple, maybe with friends and family. They may have an apartment together, they may have shared finances and financial obligations. They may spend considerable time together in an average, every day, ho-hum existence.

 

There are plenty of marriages where the couple doesn't spend 365 days a year together. Plenty where they are not together on holidays.

 

There are no single truths about relationships - not marriages, not affairs, not singles dating... they are made up of two unique individuals, and their relationship will likewise be unique. What is true of any one relationship may not be true of another.

 

The idea that all affairs are nothing but fantasy is false.

The idea that many affairs are nothing but fantasy is false.

Reality happens.

 

 

Are you serious? If someone is that involved with their affair partner that they why the heck are they still married?????? Oh, yes I forgot. Same excuse my father used to use. Because of the kids!! The kids would be much better off if they did not have to see or hear about parent's filandering( and they do know)

 

If you are halfway living with your affair partner,share finances and financial obligations. Most likely he or she is in an open relationship or travels for work and has another life. That is still cake eating and NOT a normal relationship. A triangle is never a normal relationship.

 

If they are being that disrespectful to spouse and kids and their marriage is in that much of a shamble ,yet they still stay married how much more selfish can they be?? There better be a real good reason why someone stays married when they share finance and home part-time with affair partner.

[jlola]

I never had problems meeting women and dating. Despite this, when I met xMW it was very intense and passionate since the beginning. "I miss you-s/I love you-s" were employed way much earlier. She covered me with attentions, nice words, small gifts etc like no other woman before. It contributed to stimulate me emotionally.

 

I will not enter the "poor boundaries" debate, but I agree with Carhill, the xMW was very romantically "aggressive", way more flirty than any single women I had met. That contributed to feed and escalate the affair. She knew so well to seduce me and it worked.

 

 

Also, the fact that an A is full of barriers and it takes many efforts to meet together, it makes it look like an impossible kind of Love Story which puts it in a high romantic level, the same you found in books and movies, full or drama, obstacles etc.

 

In my case though, I don't think I loved xMW just because she was off limits or she was a challenge. Had she been single, I think I would have loved her the same way.

 

I fully agree with what you said. Many guys I know involved with MW said same. I call it romance on steroids. What she is lacking in her marriage(romance) she focuses on with her affair partner. I can see why a MW would feel safer expressing herself as she does not fear rejection as much and she can always have a fallback.

 

The gifts seem common also. The "I miss you" cards. "Time with you is always precious" cards. Married people do not long to be together,by the very nature you do not long for something that is always there.

 

I wonder at ties of Affair couples do get together can they ever live up to the image of the person and relationship that was created.

 

I know I fell madly in love with the image of a man I dated, but due to obstacles we spent little time together. We were on the phone constantly with the "I love you's". Cards sent with "I miss you". I craved the man and put him on a pedestal. But when we finally got together and spent lots of time together practically living with each other I got over that real quick. The real person was emotionally unavailable and selfish. But I could not see that before as in the romance stage he always seemed the giver and very open. I realized some people are great in the beginning of relationships. They do a great "Romance/honeymoon stage". But after that they are lost. They cannot have a real relationship that is mature and forces them to be emotionally present,mature and selfless.

[Yianks]

I fully agree with what you said. Many guys I know involved with MW said same. I call it romance on steroids. What she is lacking in her marriage(romance) she focuses on with her affair partner. I can see why a MW would feel safer expressing herself as she does not fear rejection as much and she can always have a fallback.

 

 

Single OM have much more fallbacks. They can date plethora of other single women, whereas the MW can only go back to one (H).

 

Nevertheless, the routine in the M kills the romance hence some women (and men) want to be validated outside their M.

 

The As increase year by year and I believe that in 100-150 years from now the whole marriage institution will be a completely different 'version' from what we know it nowadays.

[SoMovinOn]

Are you serious?

 

Yes.

 

If someone is that involved with their affair partner that they why the heck are they still married??????

 

For a lot of potential reasons.

 

Oh, yes I forgot. Same excuse my father used to use. Because of the kids!! The kids would be much better off if they did not have to see or hear about parent's filandering( and they do know)

 

Well, it did seem you had something in mind and were not thinking of "Affairs", but rather, some particular A.

 

What kids? There are not kids involved in every A.

 

If you are halfway living with your affair partner, share finances and financial obligations, most likely he or she is in an open relationship or travels for work and has another life.

 

Or they are not in an open relationship, or they don't travel for work (maybe their spouse does), or they manage to spend a lot of time together without any of those things being true, or ...

 

 

That is still cake eating and NOT a normal relationship. A triangle is never a normal relationship.

 

Two things...

1) What is a "normal relationship"? I know plenty of marriages that wouldn't fit into a lot of people's mold of a "normal relationship". What you perceive as normal has no bearing on what three people who have nothing to do with you are doing.

 

2) I didn't have the impression we were discussing whether or not an A is a normal R, but rather, whether or not an A was pure fantasy all the time.

 

 

If they are being that disrespectful to spouse and kids and their marriage is in that much of a shamble ,yet they still stay married how much more selfish can they be??

 

Well, all I can say is, whenever I think I know what someone's limits are, there is a good chance they will surprise me and exceed them!

 

There better be a real good reason why someone stays married when they share finance and home part-time with affair partner.

 

What would you consider a "good" reason?

 

I read a story in the paper, earlier this year, about how a lot of people are putting off divorce, or getting divorced but remaining living together, due to the housing market taking a dive and due to unemployment. Would you consider those to be good reasons?

 

What if one remains married to their spouse for health reasons?

[rockergirl]

my husband has had a spinal cord injury since 1994. im sick of not having intimacy in my life. so i met by boyfriend on facebook, he lived in florida, but came back to see his family,mother brothers, sisters, etc. he wants to see me all the time and even talks about marriage. i had to break it off with him, i dont want trouble in my life. i already went to far. i have tried to break it off a few times, but he says he will harm himself etc!! so he talks me into seeing me again, we have been intimate three times. never again!