Do I take too slow of a pace?

[MinTea]

I met someone new through an online dating site that I’ve been on for about 1 ½ years. I’ve met 2 other local guys before this one, and things didn’t really work out. I was only mildy upset when those prospects didn’t work out. Anywho, he messaged me and we had been talking almost every day for the past two-ish months. He always seemed to excited to speak to me, but I held back a little since he is 900 miles away and I told him that I’d be a bit leery about an LDR.

 

The more we chatted, texted, called, IM’d, and video chatted… the more I liked him. We hashed out a lot of personal things with each other, but I was still leery of considering an LDR. He told me over and over that for him, he thought I would be worth to try an LDR. I really loved talking with him… but it still didn’t seem plausible… He was still this untouchable 2-dimensional face on my tiny laptop screen.

 

He wanted to see me so badly, so we made some plans and he flew over here last weekend. He came in late Friday night, stayed all day Saturday and left Sunday morning. I made a mental promise to myself to make a decision on if a LDR would be truly worth it after I met him in person.

 

I was scared that he would seem different to me when he got here. I was afraid that I would be too timid around him (as I can get shy)… but it wasn’t like that at all.. Or at least not in my opinion. We cooked some meals together, we watched movies, we went out to dinner, I showed him around a bit… I was so happy when he held me. I was so proud and surprised with myself that I could snuggle up with him and my heart was not beating out of my chest. I didn’t feel awkward when the conversation died down. I was comfortable merely being close to him. A lot of the time I chase people out of my ‘personal space.’ If the conversation died, I usually feel like “I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING NOW!!! But what do I say?” But I didn’t feel threatened with him so close to me, and actually wanted him to be in my space. I thought the weekend went great overall…

 

Thing is, Saturday night was when the kissing started… I kissed him back, but he would come at me again and again and again… I was uncomfortable with making-out at this point. I should have said something directly... but I didn’t. I would just turn my head after a few kisses and resume cuddling… I thought it would be more hurtful to directly ask him to stop. I guess now that was a stupid assumption. Anyway, he didn’t seem all that upset. He’d kiss me on the forehead and would rest his head on mine as if to say “ok, no biggie.”

 

Sunday, when I took him to the airport he seemed a bit quiet. I figured he was just tired, or maybe just sad that he was leaving (I know I was).

 

When he got home that night, I video chatted with him. I was all excited because I made my decision about him. I asked him where he thought we stood now that we’ve met. He looked so neutral and just said “I don’t know… I don’t think we have any chemistry.” I was shocked… I was going to follow up my question by saying something along the lines of “if you’re still up for it, I would like to seriously talk about a LDR, because I feel it could actually be possible now.” I couldn’t tell him… I was so used to seeing his face all lit up and confident, and now he looked so unsure. He told me that I really hurt him with the whole kissing thing. He felt very confused with me. I didn’t know what to say, I was just shocked. I didn’t read this from his face the whole time he was here with me. I must have misunderstood him the whole time. I apologized and let him know that I didn’t mean to hurt him, and then I had to extract myself. I felt so guilty. I felt so mad at myself.

 

We didn’t talk to each other all day Monday or Tuesday. At the end of the day Wednesday I IM’d him (I was afraid to call or video chat with him because I was sure he didn’t really want to talk to me in the first place) just to explain myself.. that I can be shy. I kindly reminded him that this shouldn’t have been a big shocker for him as I have it mentioned on my profile (on the dating site), we’ve discussed it on the phone a bit, and he experienced it when we first started video chatting (I had a little bit of difficulty keeping eye contact with him on the screen at first, but that cleared up after a few more chats). He apologized for rushing me, and I apologized for making him feel bad. I also admitted to him what I really WANTED to tell him on Sunday night… Because I know I would have regretted not telling him at all… even thought at this point it would be of no use anyway.

 

I ended the convo by leaving the ball in his court. I let him know that if he wanted to call or message me, I would love to hear from him. If not, then I wished him good luck.

 

Well he hasn’t tried contacting me… And I can’t make him talk to me, so now I have to bite the bullet and move on.

 

I’m just so disappointed though! Steps that are big for me are small for others… Why can’t I just go with the flow and relax? Why couldn’t he be accepting of my pace?

 

There were a few times when he would admit personal things to me in our conversations online (I will not disclose them here), and he’d say “You think I’m weird now, don’t you?” I told him “No, I don’t think you’re weird… I told him that I was kinda relieved because that means he’s a real human being who goes through real issues. “ Am I really so terrible that I can’t be accepted either? Did I really do something wrong?

 

I’ve been keeping busy this weekend to keep my mind off of it… but still… I’m so disappointed… and feel so bad… He came all the way over here to see me. He came with a bunch of presents (I felt a little bad since I only got him a few little things), he ended up wasting his time, his money, his energy… I’m so confused.