I gave it too many chances...

[samslick]

To start, Im a 28 year old male, my wife is 25. We met when I was 20 and she was 17. We have been married for 2 years, and we were engaged for almost 3 years. My wife is still in school, and is working part time and makes very little money and I have a good paying job and am established in my career. My parents have been together for 30 years, her's are divorced.

 

The last year and a half has been the most horrible time of my life. Both my wife and I have lost 4 grandparents, and multiple family pets. I was working at a very high stress job and took a lot of it out on her. Im a very neat and meticulous person and she is sloppy and has no regard for taking care of material things.

 

Our biggest issues are with me being too controlling, and her not caring about this marriage at all. She would go out with her best friend 4-5 times a week to night clubs and bars and come home past 2am. I would wait up for her and end up fighting with herat 2-3am when she got home. I hate bars/clubs/lounges and that whole scene. When I first met her, she knew that about me from the get go, but since she lived at home with her mom, she wasn't allowed to go to those places. Due to cultural differences, we were forbidden from living together prior to be being married (middle eastern). Once she moved in with me, she totally changed and used every opportunity to go out. I was so stupid to let her walk all over me and go out, as long as she told me who she was with and where she was going, etc. As time went on, I felt more and more like her father, and I hated myself for doing that. I resent her so much now that I don't know why I put up with this for so long.

 

Since May of this year, we have separated 5 or 6 times now, with me begging her to come back. I tried getting her to go to MC, a shrink, and I even talked to her older sisters and her mother to try and get help. We went to 1 MC session together and she refused to go back. I read countless marriage/relationship books, and she would mock me for reading them stating "those aren't going to fix anything". Yet still I had hope. When her sisters and mother confronted her about this, that pretty much ended any hopes of this marriage getting fixed, and I regret saying anything to them. Now, my wife tells me I destroyed her relationsihp with her family and will never forgive me for doing that. In the times that she came back, she had no place to go, no money, and was mooching off of her friends. Like an idiot, I got her to come back, but never acknowledging the reason why she came back was just to have a place for her and her dog.

 

To back up a bit, I do all the cleaning, bills, cooking, you name it. I fixed her car when it broke down, I supported her in every way. She even took "girls trips" to Miami (3 times) when money was tight and I told her I couldnt afford for us to do that--she went anyways and told me after she booked everything. She was even unemployed for an entire month and stayed home doing NOTHING. I was looking for jobs for her (I found 7 places that would have hired her) and she didn't apply once. Instead she took a job 30 miles away from where we live and is a horrible commute. She quit the job before as her coworkers found out she went to Miami without me and spread rumors around that she was cheating on me.

 

I confronted her many times about if she was cheating on me, but she would always say no. She would flip out if I tried to see what she was doing on her phone and would say she needs her "privacy". As time went on, the fights would get worse and worse, she would throw things in the house and damage the dry wall, shattered a picture frame of us saying that the people in the photos (us) don't exist anymore. She even threw the tv remote at me and it cut my forehead open a little---and she laughed at me when she did it.

 

Yet despite all that, up until 11/1, we were still living together, and she thought things were getting better because I stopped talking about our problems. And things, did seem better because of that, but in reality everything was just being swept under the rug. Add into all of this a sex life that was once every 2-3 months (if that).

 

This last week we had a trip planned that I had fought hard through my work to get my wife a ticket to come along for (a trade show). We had another huge fight and she refused to come with. I told her to pack up her stuff, take her dog, and GTFO. I went alone and the trip was horrible. I keep thinking of all the good memories, the grief we went through, etc. My wife has turned into a robot with no emotions and didn't even care about our past and everything positive we had in the beginning.

 

She took all of the stuff she could fit in her car, but there is still a ton of things here. I haven't spoke to her in 4 days, and I got an email yesterday with her complaining and blaming me for all this, and then she throws in the kicker:

 

"Sadly, after all this I miss you very much and I can't imagine being with anyone else. I also can't imagine being with the person you are now"

 

I haven't responded, but I have to tell her when its okay for her to come over to get her things. I know Im going to struggle with not pouring my heart out at her for ruining all this. I had planned to have children with her, and I bought the house we live in now before we got married in preparation for her. Now I get to call attorneys and start the divorce process. Plus, all of our friends were married couples and Im not really going to be able to continue talking to them after all this, so Im left with my own dog and my family.

 

My in-laws can't understand why my wife has become this way and are very upset about this. My wife hasn't even talked to her own mother in 5 months. I love my in-laws very much and the fact that Im going to lose them is insanely painful. Ive already lost 20 pounds over the past 8 months, but I do feel Im going to get better. I know my wife is really screwed without me, I just dont want to be weak anymore and take her back--even though I still love her. Ive lost a lot of who I once was, and I hate what this has done to me.

Edited November 5, 2011 by samslick

[katherinerose]

I'm sorry that you and your wife are having so many problems. It seems that you have done everything to take care of your family, support her, and be a good husband. It's sad that all these things are going on. I thought that my situation is bad, it's no where near as hard as yours has to be. I can tell that you do love her a lot. I wish that she would see all that you are doing and have been willing to do. But if not it seems that you will be able to stay strong and stick to your guns. I hope that things will work out better for you soon.

[robf1971]

To start, Im a 28 year old male, my wife is 25. We met when I was 20 and she was 17. We have been married for 2 years, and we were engaged for almost 3 years. My wife is still in school, and is working part time and makes very little money and I have a good paying job and am established in my career. My parents have been together for 30 years, her's are divorced.

 

The last year and a half has been the most horrible time of my life. Both my wife and I have lost 4 grandparents, and multiple family pets. I was working at a very high stress job and took a lot of it out on her. Im a very neat and meticulous person and she is sloppy and has no regard for taking care of material things.

 

Our biggest issues are with me being too controlling, and her not caring about this marriage at all. She would go out with her best friend 4-5 times a week to night clubs and bars and come home past 2am. I would wait up for her and end up fighting with herat 2-3am when she got home. I hate bars/clubs/lounges and that whole scene. When I first met her, she knew that about me from the get go, but since she lived at home with her mom, she wasn't allowed to go to those places. Due to cultural differences, we were forbidden from living together prior to be being married (middle eastern). Once she moved in with me, she totally changed and used every opportunity to go out. I was so stupid to let her walk all over me and go out, as long as she told me who she was with and where she was going, etc. As time went on, I felt more and more like her father, and I hated myself for doing that. I resent her so much now that I don't know why I put up with this for so long.

 

Since May of this year, we have separated 5 or 6 times now, with me begging her to come back. I tried getting her to go to MC, a shrink, and I even talked to her older sisters and her mother to try and get help. We went to 1 MC session together and she refused to go back. I read countless marriage/relationship books, and she would mock me for reading them stating "those aren't going to fix anything". Yet still I had hope. When her sisters and mother confronted her about this, that pretty much ended any hopes of this marriage getting fixed, and I regret saying anything to them. Now, my wife tells me I destroyed her relationsihp with her family and will never forgive me for doing that. In the times that she came back, she had no place to go, no money, and was mooching off of her friends. Like an idiot, I got her to come back, but never acknowledging the reason why she came back was just to have a place for her and her dog.

 

To back up a bit, I do all the cleaning, bills, cooking, you name it. I fixed her car when it broke down, I supported her in every way. She even took "girls trips" to Miami (3 times) when money was tight and I told her I couldnt afford for us to do that--she went anyways and told me after she booked everything. She was even unemployed for an entire month and stayed home doing NOTHING. I was looking for jobs for her (I found 7 places that would have hired her) and she didn't apply once. Instead she took a job 30 miles away from where we live and is a horrible commute. She quit the job before as her coworkers found out she went to Miami without me and spread rumors around that she was cheating on me.

 

I confronted her many times about if she was cheating on me, but she would always say no. She would flip out if I tried to see what she was doing on her phone and would say she needs her "privacy". As time went on, the fights would get worse and worse, she would throw things in the house and damage the dry wall, shattered a picture frame of us saying that the people in the photos (us) don't exist anymore. She even threw the tv remote at me and it cut my forehead open a little---and she laughed at me when she did it.

 

Yet despite all that, up until 11/1, we were still living together, and she thought things were getting better because I stopped talking about our problems. And things, did seem better because of that, but in reality everything was just being swept under the rug. Add into all of this a sex life that was once every 2-3 months (if that).

 

This last week we had a trip planned that I had fought hard through my work to get my wife a ticket to come along for (a trade show). We had another huge fight and she refused to come with. I told her to pack up her stuff, take her dog, and GTFO. I went alone and the trip was horrible. I keep thinking of all the good memories, the grief we went through, etc. My wife has turned into a robot with no emotions and didn't even care about our past and everything positive we had in the beginning.

 

She took all of the stuff she could fit in her car, but there is still a ton of things here. I haven't spoke to her in 4 days, and I got an email yesterday with her complaining and blaming me for all this, and then she throws in the kicker:

 

"Sadly, after all this I miss you very much and I can't imagine being with anyone else. I also can't imagine being with the person you are now"

 

I haven't responded, but I have to tell her when its okay for her to come over to get her things. I know Im going to struggle with not pouring my heart out at her for ruining all this. I had planned to have children with her, and I bought the house we live in now before we got married in preparation for her. Now I get to call attorneys and start the divorce process. Plus, all of our friends were married couples and Im not really going to be able to continue talking to them after all this, so Im left with my own dog and my family.

 

My in-laws can't understand why my wife has become this way and are very upset about this. My wife hasn't even talked to her own mother in 5 months. I love my in-laws very much and the fact that Im going to lose them is insanely painful. Ive already lost 20 pounds over the past 8 months, but I do feel Im going to get better. I know my wife is really screwed without me, I just dont want to be weak anymore and take her back--even though I still love her. Ive lost a lot of who I once was, and I hate what this has done to me.

 

You have no kids, thank goodness, yep the issues in your marriage were 50/50 but her cheating is 100% her fault. Believe me she is cheating no matter how much she denies it.

 

She's gone, giving you an excellent opportunity to heal and move on, get a lawyer, file for divorce, do not contact her anymore or respond to any of her contact. Start to rebuild your life and be thankful you are young and don't have kids together.

[robf1971]

I also recommend you go to counselling to work on yourself. You can not keep allowing yourself to be a doormat just to keep a relationship together. This is very important for your next relationship.

[Tiberius]

She is not interested in the marriage at all. You should move on before kids are involved.

[samslick]

To give an update, we've been apart 9 days now. We have only communicated through email, and I made the mistake to fire off an email perpetuating what she had said in hers, and questioning how she could say she misses me, despite her terrible behavior towards me. This went back and forth 3 or 4 emails, with her not acknowledging anything in my emails and just rehashing her same story that I destroyed her life and I've left her homeless with no family to support her.

 

The emails were really supposed to be about her coming to get her crap out of the house, but each time she would flake or push the date back a few more days, and I stooped to her level by responding to the emotional aspects of her emails. The only good thing about it is that it felt good to get out what I wanted to say about how I've been treated the last 2 years without yelling and fighting like we would in person. She called my cell phone, but I didn't answer. She left me a voicemail asking about getting her stuff, and I didn't call back. It was strange to hear her voice, talking to me almost in a normal tone of voice like nothing was wrong between us.

 

I have trouble letting go of the good memories of us, and I find myself thinking about what we could have been. Some days are worse than others, but I fear the loneliness and the process of getting back into the game of finding someone else (which I never dreamed I would have to do again). I intend to find new hobbies and get back into the ones I haven't been able to pursue, but I know I will long for a female companion again at some point. I really want to be a dad and all that, and I figured that would happen in the next 1-2 years, but who knows now.

 

I dont plan to maintain contact to her anymore, since she has flaked so many times now on getting her stuff, I'll be filling out the divorce papers this weekend and filing likely sometime next week. I haven't told my mother in law yet (we are very close), and know she is going to be very upset when I tell her.

Edited November 12, 2011 by samslick

[samslick]

I filed for divorce today, was by far the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do in my life. I didn't feel relief, just more pain. I just wish it never had to come to this, but what's done is done I guess. My wife and I had been emailing back and forth again, but she is in so much denial about what she has done, that there's no point in communicating. She has flaked on me 4 times now saying she'll come pick up her stuff. I really think she doesnt think I would file for divorce.

 

She'll find out real quick when the sheriff comes to serve her papers in the next week or so.

[robf1971]

I filed for divorce today, was by far the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do in my life. I didn't feel relief, just more pain. I just wish it never had to come to this, but what's done is done I guess. My wife and I had been emailing back and forth again, but she is in so much denial about what she has done, that there's no point in communicating. She has flaked on me 4 times now saying she'll come pick up her stuff. I really think she doesnt think I would file for divorce.

 

She'll find out real quick when the sheriff comes to serve her papers in the next week or so.

 

Good for you, you've shown some fantastic backbone,

 

Perhaps it would be different if children were involved or you'd been together longer. You've told her to come pick her stuff up. I'd send her one more email

 

'Wife, I'm happy to keep your stuff until Dec 1st but if you're not here by then I will put it outside"

 

Then just don't bother communicating back or replying to any of her communication. You are better of emailing a brick wall, for all the good it will do.

[Sugarkane]

She should've considered herself lucky to have you at all. Especially a young guy willing to settle down.

[shadowpirate]

Sounds like you'll make someone a wonderful wife someday.. Come on dude a blind man can see shes playing you. "i need my privacy" let me decode that. It means "I dont want you to know im banging someone else" . Dump her, dust yourself off, rub some dirt on your boo boo, and go find some hot chick to slam to get your mind off of things. as long as kids arent involved cut you losses and get on with you life before you spend the rest of it chasing a fantasy that wont come true.

[findingnemo]

Samslick,

 

I'm from a culture where family ties are very important and there are numerous expectations of Both the H and W in a M. What your W has been doing tells me that she feels like she didn't get to party and that you are a restriction just like her parents. From my experience, this is something that can't be fixed by you. It'll take sometime before she realizes what she has lost. All her pleas at this point are about public opinion and not about you tow as a couple.

 

It's good that you filed. You will find a W who is mature, understands you and shares your likes. Let her go...that's what she really wants. And yes...she cheated or is even cheating now. She wants to live a double life of W and party girl. One of the things she never got to do was to date. Am I right? Well, trust me when I say she has tried to do that too.

 

Good luck. There'll be some pressure from her family who will be totally ashamed of her behaviour and will be frightened of the public scandal. However, your W has given every reason to get a D and none to stay M.

[samslick]

Just found out my wife already has a profile up on a dating website. Hurts like hell to see that, guess I made the right move by filing.

[seibert253]

Pack up all your W's stuff and put it in storage. Or, have your in laws come and get it.

 

The quicker you erase everything about her out of your life, the quicker you heal.

[samslick]

Samslick,

 

I'm from a culture where family ties are very important and there are numerous expectations of Both the H and W in a M. What your W has been doing tells me that she feels like she didn't get to party and that you are a restriction just like her parents. From my experience, this is something that can't be fixed by you. It'll take sometime before she realizes what she has lost. All her pleas at this point are about public opinion and not about you tow as a couple.

 

It's good that you filed. You will find a W who is mature, understands you and shares your likes. Let her go...that's what she really wants. And yes...she cheated or is even cheating now. She wants to live a double life of W and party girl. One of the things she never got to do was to date. Am I right? Well, trust me when I say she has tried to do that too.

 

Good luck. There'll be some pressure from her family who will be totally ashamed of her behaviour and will be frightened of the public scandal. However, your W has given every reason to get a D and none to stay M.

 

We are middle eastern, and both our families are very tight knit. That was one of the main things that attracted me to her, she had american qualities like me (im a mix), but retained important traditions that we both valued. For the last year, her whole goal has been about having a good time, not about resolving our marriage issues at all.

 

My wife had dated very briefly prior to me (maybe 2-3 guys tops--nothing serious) and I had dated probably 5-6 girls and had a couple of 8-10 month relationships. Im pretty sure she has cheated on me, but I'll never know for certain. My trust in her was abused severly, and she had done the same thing to her own mother prior to marrying me.

 

I emailed her after I found her profile and she responded back with some BS excuse that she was bored and wanted someone to talk to and that she isn't looking for a relationship, just someone to "hang out" with. She then tried to spin the subject into why I was on a dating site also--as I must have been looking for someone else as well. Truth is, I saw a TV commercial for it, and it reminded me of our relationship way back when, so I figured I would search for her specifically, and first result back was hers. Her family is extremely embarrassed of her behavior, and my wife has such a big ego/pride, that she will not admit she did anything wrong, and is refusing to even talk to them on the phone.

 

The crazy thing is, they would take her back in a instant--blood takes care of blood.

 

There are days where the pain is tremendous and its hard to get out of bed, but I just try to push myself to keep going. Getting married was a big accomplishment for me, along with graduating college, and getting a good job, and I was heading down the right path in life. Now everything is broken to pieces and I have to start over.

 

I saw my wife very breifly this past weekend when I dropped off some of her crap. She is staying with her friend, and was trying to sneak out before me getting there so she wouldn't see me. As I pulled up she was about to walk out with her dog, and the dog (whom I took care of very well) was excited to see me. My wife told me that the dog misses me and I should play with him. I could only look at her face for a few seconds as I started to get emotional and cry. I had to tell her to just get away from me as it hurts too much to see her. She took off in her car and I unloaded her stuff.

 

I've been monitoring my blood pressure and it's okay, but the physical pain I have in my chest---it feels like I have a clamp around my heart/lungs is pretty bad. Im also nauseous most of the day as well. I haven't been to the doctor yet, is there anything I can do help relieve this? Im having lots of nightmares about her still too. My appetite is alright, and I eat 3 meals a day, but I have to force myself too.

 

I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemies.

[findingnemo]

We are middle eastern, and both our families are very tight knit. That was one of the main things that attracted me to her, she had american qualities like me (im a mix), but retained important traditions that we both valued. For the last year, her whole goal has been about having a good time, not about resolving our marriage issues at all.

 

My wife had dated very briefly prior to me (maybe 2-3 guys tops--nothing serious) and I had dated probably 5-6 girls and had a couple of 8-10 month relationships. Im pretty sure she has cheated on me, but I'll never know for certain. My trust in her was abused severly, and she had done the same thing to her own mother prior to marrying me.

 

I emailed her after I found her profile and she responded back with some BS excuse that she was bored and wanted someone to talk to and that she isn't looking for a relationship, just someone to "hang out" with. She then tried to spin the subject into why I was on a dating site also--as I must have been looking for someone else as well. Truth is, I saw a TV commercial for it, and it reminded me of our relationship way back when, so I figured I would search for her specifically, and first result back was hers. Her family is extremely embarrassed of her behavior, and my wife has such a big ego/pride, that she will not admit she did anything wrong, and is refusing to even talk to them on the phone.

 

The crazy thing is, they would take her back in a instant--blood takes care of blood.

 

There are days where the pain is tremendous and its hard to get out of bed, but I just try to push myself to keep going. Getting married was a big accomplishment for me, along with graduating college, and getting a good job, and I was heading down the right path in life. Now everything is broken to pieces and I have to start over.

 

I saw my wife very breifly this past weekend when I dropped off some of her crap. She is staying with her friend, and was trying to sneak out before me getting there so she wouldn't see me. As I pulled up she was about to walk out with her dog, and the dog (whom I took care of very well) was excited to see me. My wife told me that the dog misses me and I should play with him. I could only look at her face for a few seconds as I started to get emotional and cry. I had to tell her to just get away from me as it hurts too much to see her. She took off in her car and I unloaded her stuff.

 

I've been monitoring my blood pressure and it's okay, but the physical pain I have in my chest---it feels like I have a clamp around my heart/lungs is pretty bad. Im also nauseous most of the day as well. I haven't been to the doctor yet, is there anything I can do help relieve this? Im having lots of nightmares about her still too. My appetite is alright, and I eat 3 meals a day, but I have to force myself too.

 

I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemies.

 

Yes, her family is bound to stay on her side. It could be about blood and it's thickness, but is also likely a keeping up appearances thing. Don't worry about that. You have very good reasons to D.

 

The pain can be physical, disappointment can manifest itself in illness. Go see a doctor. They may be able to help you. But more importantly, own your decision to D. It is the questioning of our choices that leads to untold stress even when we actually made the right decision. Go out with your friends on hikes, weekends off, whatever. Get your life back to a place where you are happy being single. The alternative is to wallow in self-pity because your dream trajectory just got messed up. Find a way to distract your mind and with time, you'll feel more in control and move on.

 

One more thing about our "culture". For some stupid reason that I don't yet understand, there is a wider acceptance of men behaving badly. We rarely hear of women acting like your W. So when women do just that, it is usually other women in the family that try to minimize things. It may have something to do with our second class position in terms of rights and opportunities that has for a long time been prevalent in our home countries. Women have been so downtrodden that they've developed a solidarity that is blind to the faults of individual females. It could even be your own mother and sisters trying at some point to downplay things claiming your W is young, spoilt and will eventually see the folly of her ways. This may all be true but your M should never be the example in which women as a whole get "liberated". You know for a fact that this woman is capable of doing some real damage and when talking to both families, stress her individual flaws. Like myself, you may have to keep dealing with your in-laws for the rest of your life. Once the D is over, it'll get easier and easier. She'll move on to doing what she wants and so will you. Just be aware of the pressure and side-step it as politely but firmly as possible.

[samslick]

Yes, her family is bound to stay on her side. It could be about blood and it's thickness, but is also likely a keeping up appearances thing. Don't worry about that. You have very good reasons to D.

 

The pain can be physical, disappointment can manifest itself in illness. Go see a doctor. They may be able to help you. But more importantly, own your decision to D. It is the questioning of our choices that leads to untold stress even when we actually made the right decision. Go out with your friends on hikes, weekends off, whatever. Get your life back to a place where you are happy being single. The alternative is to wallow in self-pity because your dream trajectory just got messed up. Find a way to distract your mind and with time, you'll feel more in control and move on.

 

One more thing about our "culture". For some stupid reason that I don't yet understand, there is a wider acceptance of men behaving badly. We rarely hear of women acting like your W. So when women do just that, it is usually other women in the family that try to minimize things. It may have something to do with our second class position in terms of rights and opportunities that has for a long time been prevalent in our home countries. Women have been so downtrodden that they've developed a solidarity that is blind to the faults of individual females. It could even be your own mother and sisters trying at some point to downplay things claiming your W is young, spoilt and will eventually see the folly of her ways. This may all be true but your M should never be the example in which women as a whole get "liberated". You know for a fact that this woman is capable of doing some real damage and when talking to both families, stress her individual flaws. Like myself, you may have to keep dealing with your in-laws for the rest of your life. Once the D is over, it'll get easier and easier. She'll move on to doing what she wants and so will you. Just be aware of the pressure and side-step it as politely but firmly as possible.

 

I agree with you completely, and dealing with my in-laws is adding more stress to this situation given how close we were. My MIL still has hope for us somehow and thinks my wife will "come around" one of these days. I've come to terms with the fact that she won't, and that I will not wait for her any longer.

 

Looking back now, I think the #1 reason my wife married me was to get away from her mother and to gain her freedom. The fights that they had right before we got married were very intense, and resulted with my wife running to me to get away from her mom. And once my wife saw that in the last year I wouldn't put up with that behavior from her any more, she shut herself down emotionally and intensified the amount of times she was going out and acting like a single woman. My wife was always intimidated of my mother and the women in my family as they all assumed the role of wife/mother naturally. My wife was always considered the black sheep in her own family and I guess this behavior is how she copes with that. Her self-survival instincts are just to hide everything and lie to everyone.

 

I spoke with one of my sister in law's last night, and she flat out said she will not have a relationship with my wife anymore as she sees no point in making the first step towards my wife. Her whole family has tried to help her many many times and my wife constantly blew them off. The fact that my wife's grandfather dies, and shes on a plane to Miami with her best friend straight from the funeral is a major red flag.

[findingnemo]

Yes, it is as bad as I suspected. She is in constant rebellion against what she considers a restrictive lifestyle. It's sad in a way for her that she may have to self-destruct before coming to her senses. At the same time, it may be her path to self discovery. Whatever the case, your M would barely survive in the long run.

 

It's good that some in her family see her the situation for what it is. Take it day by day and focus on yourself and your happiness as a person. The person you fell in love with is long gone. She just wasn't ready for such a commitment at this point.

[seikialice88]

To give an update, we've been apart 9 days now. We have only communicated through email, and I made the mistake to fire off an email perpetuating what she had said in hers, and questioning how she could say she misses me, despite her terrible behavior towards me. This went back and forth 3 or 4 emails, with her not acknowledging anything in my emails and just rehashing her same story that I destroyed her life and I've left her homeless with no family to support her.

 

The emails were really supposed to be about her coming to get her crap out of the house, but each time she would flake or push the date back a few more days, and I stooped to her level by responding to the emotional aspects of her emails. The only good thing about it is that it felt good to get out what I wanted to say about how I've been treated the last 2 years without yelling and fighting like we would in person. She called my cell phone, but I didn't answer. She left me a voicemail asking about getting her stuff, and I didn't call back. It was strange to hear her voice, talking to me almost in a normal tone of voice like nothing was wrong between us.

 

I have trouble letting go of the good memories of us, and I find myself thinking about what we could have been. Some days are worse than others, but I fear the loneliness and the process of getting back into the game of finding someone else (which I never dreamed I would have to do again). I intend to find new hobbies and get back into the ones I haven't been able to pursue, but I know I will long for a female companion again at some point. I really want to be a dad and all that, and I figured that would happen in the next 1-2 years, but who knows now.

 

I dont plan to maintain contact to her anymore, since she has flaked so many times now on getting her stuff, I'll be filling out the divorce papers this weekend and filing likely sometime next week. I haven't told my mother in law yet (we are very close), and know she is going to be very upset when I tell her.

 

Thanks you for the post.

[samslick]

You're smart to get rid of her samslick. There's no good reason to keep a cancer like that around. I know quite a few middle eastern women and they are definitely more supportive of the men in their life than what the Ameriskanks are in this country. Sounds like maybe your trick got americanized and you're lucky to get away from that with your life....and dignity....intact.

 

Thanks! At times I don't feel so sure of myself, but I just have to remind myself of the horrible **** she pulled for the past few years. And you're right, most of the time, its the men who are taking advantage of the women (at least in the middle eastern relationships I know). Funny how when I first met my wife she said middle eastern men couldn't handle her---it took me 8 years to finally realize why. I pity the poor guy who she meets next.

[samslick]

Well she's been served officially now. I made sure to use the sheriff so that way 2 uniformed officers showed up at her work and embarrassed her. I wish I could have been there to see it. I just came back from my grandma's funeral and saw the serving notice had come in the mail. I thought I would feel some sort of satisfaction from seeing it, but I really dont.

 

What's odd is my wife emailed me on wednesday stating some package was sent to my house for her by "mistake" and she would come pick it up today, I just needed to leave it on the porch. She didn't mention being served or anything like that, but gave condolences for the death of my grandma. Thought it was weird, maybe she's happy now that she can go act like a whore with no one to judge her.

 

This year really really has sucked. Adding a death in my family on top of this really makes it much harder. If this is all supposed to be setting me up for something better in the future, I really hope thats the case.

[samslick]

Well its been a few weeks now of no contact, and Im feeling much better, and Im out of the paralysing pain that I was in before. I still have my weak moments, but im moving forward. I've contacted a few old friends and its good to hear from them that Im still the same guy, and I haven't changed. Nice to hear after all the BS from my ex constantly telling me I was horrible.

 

I finally heard from one of the couples we were mutually friends with and they told me some interesting things about how childish my ex is acting and blabbing about the divorce to everyone and trying to convince anyone who will listen how bad I am. It felt good to know that the couple that contacted me sees through her and could tell she is just putting up a front. It's sad how personal details that I did not divulge to our friends, she is blatantly telling them with no reservations, which sucks. This only reaffirms I made the right decision to divorce her.

 

My wife has less than 2 weeks to respond now that she is served and I've still heard nothing, so it will be interesting to see what happens next.

[wilsonx]

Well I am sorry you are going through this but I want to say something from an outsiders perspective looking in without picking sides

 

But this thread plus a lot of other ones like it are essentially 2 kids fighting with each other. She cheated on you and lied about it. I can tell you why she did, number 1 its a phase number 2, you emotionally distanced yourself from her. Does it excuse her behavior, absolutely not. Does it make it hurt any less? Absolutely not. This the typical Grass is Greener breakup thats common on these forums.

 

I wish you good luck on your road to recovery but remember she did bad things and so did you. Its not 100% her fault. Her actions were the result of an emotionally distant little girl. Your actions were those of a little boy that has to be right.

 

When is the last time you spent 30 minutes sitting in your bed or sitting on the couch together and looked at your wife and told her you loved her and complimented on how much of a good wife she is?

Praise builds intamcy,trust and honesty within a relationship. Criticism brings space and distance

 

Just an outsiders perspective looking inward

Edited December 20, 2011 by wilsonx

[Duckduckgoose]

She definitely screwed up by cheating and you had every right to divorce her when she did that.

 

Now is the time to acknowledge yourself, and what you did to contribute to her behaviour. No one is perfect in a marriage and you'd do well to figure out things you could've done different/better and strive to be a better man for the future.

 

As for what she's doing now, don't worry about it. From what I've read its her downward spiral. Best to stay well away from that slow-mo train wreck.

[samslick]

Well I am sorry you are going through this but I want to say something from an outsiders perspective looking in without picking sides

 

But this thread plus a lot of other ones like it are essentially 2 kids fighting with each other. She cheated on you and lied about it. I can tell you why she did, number 1 its a phase number 2, you emotionally distanced yourself from her. Does it excuse her behavior, absolutely not. Does it make it hurt any less? Absolutely not. This the typical Grass is Greener breakup thats common on these forums.

 

I wish you good luck on your road to recovery but remember she did bad things and so did you. Its not 100% her fault. Her actions were the result of an emotionally distant little girl. Your actions were those of a little boy that has to be right.

 

When is the last time you spent 30 minutes sitting in your bed or sitting on the couch together and looked at your wife and told her you loved her and complimented on how much of a good wife she is?

Praise builds intamcy,trust and honesty within a relationship. Criticism brings space and distance

 

Just an outsiders perspective looking inward

 

Im curious as to how I emotionally distanced myself from her. If anything, I neglected myself for way too long, as I put her up on a huge pedestal and she never did the same for me. I wasted all my energy worrying about her, providing for her, cooking for her, making sure her car ran right, etc. while my needs were totally set aside so she could pretend she was single and Im forced to take care of myself when Im sick and take care of everything else.

 

For more than 3/4 of the relationship I praised her constantly, and treated her with respect. Again, it was never reciprocated. And as time went on and I got sick of being treated like crap, my anger and emotions got the best of me, which helped push everything towards divorce.

 

I admit 100% that I did plenty of things to make things more difficult. We are both stubborn and competitive. Im far from perfect, and I have a lot of things to work on before I can entertain the thought of dating again, let alone marriage. However, I did what I had to on a single income (mine) to survive and provide at least some comfort for my wife. Worked side jobs after working 40+ hours a week, while she was out with her friends not contributing a dime. Should I have let up on her if the house was dirty when I came home? Yep. Should I have maybe taken more interest in going out to clubs/bars with her? Probably, but she knew that Im not that kind of guy. I tried everything I could have to make it work, and that wasn't enough for her.

 

We both went into the marriage expecting the other one to change (which was a huge mistake), and in the end, one person attempting to change while the other refuses to simply won't work.

[wilsonx]

Im curious as to how I emotionally distanced myself from her. If anything, I neglected myself for way too long, as I put her up on a huge pedestal and she never did the same for me. I wasted all my energy worrying about her, providing for her, cooking for her, making sure her car ran right, etc. while my needs were totally set aside so she could pretend she was single and Im forced to take care of myself when Im sick and take care of everything else.

 

For more than 3/4 of the relationship I praised her constantly, and treated her with respect. Again, it was never reciprocated. And as time went on and I got sick of being treated like crap, my anger and emotions got the best of me, which helped push everything towards divorce.

 

I admit 100% that I did plenty of things to make things more difficult. We are both stubborn and competitive. Im far from perfect, and I have a lot of things to work on before I can entertain the thought of dating again, let alone marriage. However, I did what I had to on a single income (mine) to survive and provide at least some comfort for my wife. Worked side jobs after working 40+ hours a week, while she was out with her friends not contributing a dime. Should I have let up on her if the house was dirty when I came home? Yep. Should I have maybe taken more interest in going out to clubs/bars with her? Probably, but she knew that Im not that kind of guy. I tried everything I could have to make it work, and that wasn't enough for her.

 

We both went into the marriage expecting the other one to change (which was a huge mistake), and in the end, one person attempting to change while the other refuses to simply won't work.

 

This is where you went wrong, you do not even know what women want, they want emotional security above all else. One book I highly encourage you to read is "For Men Only" This book talks about how to provide emotional security for women. This is what every women wants no matter what. Women will sacrifice financial security for emotional security, thats why when women break up with good people, they most likely downgrade to losers because they provide them with the temporary emotional security that they portray with their assholish confidence. Also you said it yourself, you went into the marriage expecting the other to change... EHHHHH Big wrong here....

 

You need to learn the term Acceptance.

 

"Acceptance means having relationships with others where you celebrate those apsects of the person and enjoy and desire and realizing that there is nothing you can do to change the parts that make you uncomfortable or upset. The way people change is when they are personally inspired for their own reasons to do so. Acceptance is not the same as settling. To accept your partner exactly as she is doesnt mean going along with things that dont work for you. The solution is not to change her but to express your needs and boundaries. When you can do this with love and acceptance, you give her the safety of discovering herself and what she is capable of. With clear request and NONDEFENSIVE BOUNDARIES, you can take care of yourself and open doors for her to do the same. A deep sense of power and freedom comes from acceptance, because acceptance allows you to know at the most basic level that everything is okay. This kind of acceptance means relearning how to listen to your emotions, something that boys are trained away from early in life. It means letting go of perfection and find out what what "Good Enough" means. Finally it means making space for your partner to be who she is instead of wishing she lived up yo your fantasies and desires."