I gave it too many chances...

[jaymz]

I have not read "for men only" but have just bought it today, it should complement the one i have read and recommend below.

 

I do recommend "his needs, her needs" which is also highly recommended by others here. This book really opened my eyes to where my marriage went wrong and when you are told that 50% of it was your fault, this book shows where YOU went wrong.

 

I also recommend "taming your outer child" (recommended by dreaming oftigers), this has helped me with the areas in my life where I have been destructive. The book has simple mental tools which help you to get the right frame of mind to achieve your goals and reduce the self sabotaging.

[samslick]

This is where you went wrong, you do not even know what women want, they want emotional security above all else. One book I highly encourage you to read is "For Men Only" This book talks about how to provide emotional security for women. This is what every women wants no matter what. Women will sacrifice financial security for emotional security, thats why when women break up with good people, they most likely downgrade to losers because they provide them with the temporary emotional security that they portray with their assholish confidence. Also you said it yourself, you went into the marriage expecting the other to change... EHHHHH Big wrong here....

 

You need to learn the term Acceptance.

 

"Acceptance means having relationships with others where you celebrate those apsects of the person and enjoy and desire and realizing that there is nothing you can do to change the parts that make you uncomfortable or upset. The way people change is when they are personally inspired for their own reasons to do so. Acceptance is not the same as settling. To accept your partner exactly as she is doesnt mean going along with things that dont work for you. The solution is not to change her but to express your needs and boundaries. When you can do this with love and acceptance, you give her the safety of discovering herself and what she is capable of. With clear request and NONDEFENSIVE BOUNDARIES, you can take care of yourself and open doors for her to do the same. A deep sense of power and freedom comes from acceptance, because acceptance allows you to know at the most basic level that everything is okay. This kind of acceptance means relearning how to listen to your emotions, something that boys are trained away from early in life. It means letting go of perfection and find out what what "Good Enough" means. Finally it means making space for your partner to be who she is instead of wishing she lived up yo your fantasies and desires."

 

I did my best to be there emotionally for her, and was constantly rejected no matter how creative I got. Her own mother and sisters couldn't help her even before we got married. And the boundaries I set--especially in regards to our social lives, she routinely disregarded and did as she pleased. She relied on me to be there for everything else a husband should do, but she would never confide in me or show her true emotions, that was always reserved for her best friends. You bring up some excellent points, thank you for posting that.

Edited December 21, 2011 by samslick

[samslick]

Well time has marched on and although some progress has been made, there have been some major flare ups through this process.

 

She had threatened to contest the divorce, and after realizing that I dont have anything to take anymore (after she blew my savings account), she agreed to not contest the divorce, and let it end.

 

I had not seen her or spoke to her for 2 months, and we agreed on a date for her to come pick up the large furniture. I was so nervous when she showed up and I couldn't sleep for 2 nights straight prior her arriving. And when she did show up, she broke down crying and we talked and cried and held each other for over 3 hours. It was oddly satisfying to see her so upset, as she was a robot for so long. The stupid thing out of all that, was that we ended up making out which then led to sex.

 

After that day, she only took part of her things, and I had to keep pushing her to get her stuff out of my house. She flaked on me 2 or 3 more times, and finally I just said I would bring it to her new apartment. Her new place is in a very bad area and the building is a dump. I felt guilty when I went in there, and I had this feeling like I used to that I needed to help her or take care of her, but I kept strong and didn't do or say anything about all the things wrong.

 

I noticed her car had a flat tire, so I went with her to a tire shop to get it fixed. I guess the sex really got to her (it had got to me too, and I had been thinking about her a ton and it really screwed me up emotionally). She said she wanted to talk to me about us, but in the end she couldn't. So she wrote me this weird letter accusing me of screwing everything up, and why I would think that I wouldn't have to go out/treat whatever girl I end up dating next, as all women have to be treated the way my wife thinks. And at the end of the letter, she said she wants me still her in life and that since we have nothing to lose, we should date each other again and maybe find what we lost.

 

I was blown away that she could even think to write something like that. I spoke to her again on the phone and asked how she had the nerve to say to me after all the horrible things she had done. I asked her what she saw in me now that changed her mind, and why she didn't want to get help or work on our problems when we were married. She had no answer, but it's clear now that since its the first time in her life that she has to take care of herself, that she is really scared. In that phone call she got really mad, and hung up on me, and that was it.

 

A few weeks go by with no contact, and then as I was going through some photos and cleaning things up, I found a few photos of us very early on, and my anger got the best of me and I texted her. I had found out from a friend of a friend that she was supposedly telling everyone personal details of our finances, and spreading lies about things I would say or do to her. Like an idiot, I confronted her about it and she went insane and got all of our mutual friends involved.

 

After that happened, I lost the last couple that was on my side, and now I have virtually no close friends left. It really sucks, and I wish I hadn't said anything to my ex, and part of me thinks she took advantage of the situation to try and hurt me more.

 

So now Im back to sleeping like ****, stresed out and upset, and whatever progress I had made right after our final separation seems to be negated.

 

The only good thing is that Im back to eating regularly and Im back into my hobbies. Work is the only thing that keeps me sane and takes my mind off of her.