Finding it hard to cope

[Andymk]

Hey all,

just looking for some positive advice from those suffering the same as me.

My wife moved out 4 days ago. Bottomline, after 10 years together, she doesnt think she loves me anymore. We've been trying to make things work for the past 3 months, including MC, obviously it hasnt worked.

 

Since she's moved out, its not exactly been NC. We've seen each other every day, and talk on the phone. I dont know how to start doing NC, when she's contacting me, and asking how I am, etc. By not replying, I feel I will offend her and make matters worse.

 

Ive managed to not beg and cry in front of her, however Ive managed to turn normal conversations into arguments, pushing and trying to get her to see reason, and not just give up on 10 years. (Sounds abit like begging now that I read it back to myself)

 

Im having a bad night tonight. Home alone in our flat. Ive been out most of the day, trying to take my mind of it, but inevitably I have to go home, and be on my own.

 

Im a 36 year old man, blubbering like baby, I know its pathetic. And I know things will get easier, and I know I will move on eventually.

But right now, right this minute, god I feel like crap, and my heart is utterly broken. My hopes and dreams, and the biggest thing I cared about in my life, is gone.

 

So how does everyone cope when you're having a bad day? How do you get through it and push on? Im only on day 4, and I cant spend every day like this. I need to man up, but I dont know how. Im not a confident person.

 

<sigh>

 

Any response gratefully appreciated.

[stargirl259]

Firstly I am so sorry to hear your going through this and secondly no you are NOT pathetic!

 

It's natural to be feeling low and finding it hard to cope, and it's so early on in your break up.

 

Well done for not crying in front of her! It's alot harder not to do it so well done.

 

I have only been broken up for about a month now and I have some good days but also alot of bad days.

 

I have coped by planning things, going out with friends I wouldn't have time to see, done things that I wouldn't be doing... I have created a bucket list of things I want to do and things I want to see and that level of planning is really helping me through. I won't lie it hurts badly and I have days and nights that I cry.

 

Another thing you could do is write a letter to your wife explaining how your feeling, write about your hopes and dreams and how upset you are over the break up. Just don't send it to her...

 

I hope this helps, take care x

[Andymk]

Thanks for the positive words.

I had really bad night last night, extremely anxious and couldnt calm down. Almost in a state of permanent panic attack.

I also realise I dont think Ive eaten properly at all this weekend, Im just not hungry. And now Im feeling incredibly weak.

 

I pretty much know my marriage is over. Im just really struggling to come to terms with it. Ive with her for 10 years, and now suddenly she's no longer around. Its more than just the marriage, its losing your closest friend and your companion.

 

Thing is, Im not the sort of person that goes out 7 days a week, not anymore anyway. So its not in my comfort zone to be arranging lots of stuff to do.

However, I know I need to stop crying on the sofa, and get my mind occupied, otherwise Im never going to move on am I.

[stargirl259]

Thing is crying is part of the process though it makes you feel absolutely rubbish! There's nothing wrong with the crying on the sofa, sometimes it's best to get it all out. I can assure you, it does get slightly better... my partner and I were together for 9ish years, childhood sweethearts and it hurts to lose not only your partner but the close friend your used to telling your most initmate secrets too.

 

But I can assure you, you will start feeling better, it doesn't feel like it now but you will and the most important thing for you now is to keep yourself busy. I am not one for going out 7 days a week but I have had to force myself to interact with other people because staying at home was killing me.

 

In time, you will begin to move on but it's still early days and sadly in the early days, we do need to cry it out. In my early days, I called the Samaritans, I was ashamed to speak to my close family and friends, scared they would think badly of my partner. Have you tried speaking to them? Although, they don't tell you how to start your healing process, they do however listen to you and are a friendly voice at the end of the phone.

 

Take care hun, you will start feeling better but it will take time. In the meantime, feel free to talk on here! x