He Loves Me As a Friend - But I Love Him

[princessjulieanne]

I met a man 7 months ago who is in most respect absolutely wonderful. But now comes the confusing part, he is bipolar. During the Christmas period we were together almost 24/7 as he was having a difficult time. Shortly after Christmas he began to pull away, I stuck by him and chalked it up to his illness. About a month later I found out he was seeing someone (casually) and told me he wanted to be friend. Because of his illness I stuck by him as friends. Naturally when things fell apart, I stayed to pick up the pieces, falling more and more for him.

 

This happened again about a month later, he fell hard for a girl but she did not return the feelings and he was hurt, I picked up the pieces again. Well, I've just learned he is seeing someone (he told me) but he doesn't want to lose the friendship. I don't feel friendship I feel more, he told me he loves me but as a friend and it will be nothing more.

 

I told him last night that I couldn't do this anymore, to be there to pick up the pieces but not get anything but heartache in return. But now I am feeling very hurt and guilty that I'm not sticking by him because of his illness but for my sake I need time and space to get to a place where I can look at him as a friend. Any tips in getting over this situation?

[moimeme]

Once you've given your heart, it's pretty hard to get back. You need to fall out of love with him but that's easier said than done. Tell him the truth; that it's too hard on you to be the 'backup' gal.

[princessjulieanne]

Thanks for the advice, trying really hard to get my heart back but know its going to take awhile, didn't help when he called today to make sure I was ok. I think if I can just not email, phone or stop to see him for a bit I can understand and accept the fact that he's seeing someone else and we can only be friends. But yet I still worry, she knows he's bipolar but has never been around during a "bad time" and it is difficult to understand and adjust to. So I worry that he is going to get hurt and need me and I can't be there for him.

[moimeme]

A lass from Ottawa! Didn't notice that my first time around. It's my home town

 

So I worry that he is going to get hurt and need me and I can't be there for him.

 

He managed all his life before you - he'll have to do the same after you. He's already seeing someone else and she'll be there to mop him up - if she can handle it. Some people have fairly bad episodes when they are bipolar.

Most people say that going 'no contact' (essentially, quitting 'cold turkey') is the way to get over someone.

[princessjulieanne]

I know you are right, before each and every time this happened, I stayed in the background, emailing only never calling but always letting him know I was there if he needed me. I've decided as of today no calls, no emails no driving past his house any more (its on route to work) but taking a diffent way now. He's always has the best of both worlds knowing he could see someone and that I would be there. But I'm not going to be on "standby anymore" he can't come back at me like he as at others that I abandoned him because he was bipolar its because he's a jerk and treating me like dirt. Thanks for letting me vent its better than wanting to email or phone him. Thanks again for the advise, if I could learn to dislike him would be so much better.

[uriel]

A few thoughts I hope will help:

 

1) He's not putting your feelings first. If he had, he would have told you that he could allow you to carry him emotionally when he doesn't return your feelings.

 

2) You should ask yourself why saving a man is what led you to fall in love with him in the first place. This is typically of women who are raised as codependents, especially for a father who has emotional needs he displaces onto wife and family. Disconnect from him completely if you're determined to heal. It's the only way -- and I've been there myself (describing my own history).

 

3) I agree with those who've said this guy can make other friends and find other women -- especially romantic partners, which he doesn't see you as -- to pick up the pieces. He should be going to therapy, getting on meds, and trying to handle this himself, rather than burdening others. But, there you are. It's easier to be carried by someone else than to carry yourself well.

 

4) Everytime you feel an ecstatic pang of love for him remind yourself that what should be giving you a pang is the degree of his love for YOU. He doesn't feel that, even after all you've done for him, been to him. That's not right. You deserve to be loved in return. That he can't feel this for you, that he isn't moved by the giving, wonderful woman you are, means he's not the one. The one would get you -- and wouldn't let you go. Who could love you and hear that you're hurting? Who could love you, know you were hurting, and still take and take and take from you? That's not friendship. That's exploitation.

 

-- uriel

[moimeme]

Everytime you feel an ecstatic pang of love for him remind yourself that what should be giving you a pang is the degree of his love for YOU.

 

Excellent point!

[princessjulieanne]

These are excellent thoughts and very true. It has been so hard these last few days not to call him. I keep thinking if I was thinner, prettier a better person that I would be enough for him. But as I said I accepted him for what he was he should in return but doesn't. I try and tell myself it is his loss that he has lost a woman that would accept him being bipolar, that would be there for him and not run when things are good...its his loss not mine, my brain says this but my heart says its my loss I have lost him because I am not enough!

[uriel]

Nah -- if you were prettier and thinner, he would have just used you for sex AND emotional support, then ditched you when it got inconvenient. That's the way guys like this operate. It's all about their needs. They're so needy, they can't give to anyone else. Don't know how. Often don't want to.

 

My guy was up front about that kind of thing -- using women for sex. He'd admit it to me because I was just a friend. Hmmm...

 

Be glad you didn't give your body as well as your heart. Takes long enough to heal from just one, without the complication of the other.

 

And don't worry -- the guy who can love you and find beauty in you is out there. It's just not this one.

 

Give yourself a make-over, sweetie -- hair at a good salon, new style, good jewelry, flash shoes -- whatever makes you feel like you rock. Do it now -- that was one of my early steps in getting myself together. I'm a big gal, and believe me, it didn't take long for some bees to come seeking my honey .

 

-- uriel

[princessjulieanne]

Well if only it was that simple, we did sleep together as well. Initiallly it was a bit overwhelming for him and he couldn't really handle the sex, he said because he was bipolar. Seems to be ok with it now. Guess the kicker was last Sunday he came for dinner we fooled around, meaning he was taken care of but not returned...he stayed for dinner left and went to her house for the night. Guess when I actually see these things written in front of me I sort of see he's not so nice, not to me and not really to her. Still hurts but will probably get me through another day of not calling. Part of me has a bit of spite because I'm thinking if I'm not there to help him out during the bad times, he's got to go to her or let her see the whole "Rob" and she may not be able to accept it. I just don't understand why during the month of April he needed time/space I gave it to him, we didn't talk but did email 2-3 times. Suddenly he calls, but by this time he has met this girl, why start calling me again and getting my hopes up, is it because he was worried it would not work and he may need someone or that he wanted someone to share the bad with so she wouldn't see it? Can't figure it out for the life of me.

[uriel]

Well, he's a garden variety dog, however exotic his fur (bipolar) might lead him to seem. He absolutely sucks -- and deserves none of your further concern. You ought to be more worried about how to go lick your wounds and get back to health.

 

-- uriel

[princessjulieanne]

You are right Uriel, I know you are and my brain knows you are. Sad thing is, had it been any other man I would have told him to take a hike a long time ago, but I kept saying it was because he was ill, he was confused...you know the whole line of excuses. But this time I realized it had nothing to do with his illness and I can't make that excuse any more. My self-esteem was pretty crappy to begin with and this doesn't help much. I just feel like I'm not "good enough" but good enough for what is the issue. I guess I should have listened to my mom when she said I was there to pick up the pieces for him each time but who picks up my pieces each time he hurts me! It so helps to write your feelings out, thank you so much for listening, hard to deny something when its right in front of you. Thanks for being kind, I could use some right now.

[moimeme]

It's neither useful nor helpful to cast blame. It may or may not be because of his illness. The bottom line is that the behaviours hurt you and that's the basis on which to judge whether the relationship is healthy or not. Yes, sometimes people behave badly because things aren't going well for them, and I support supporting them - for a while. If it goes on and on and on and there's no sign that treatment will work, it's time to recognize a hopeless case and move on.

[princessjulieanne]

Well I'm a complete idiot, sort of. I called him, but surprisingly enough right now it is intense anger that I feel. I asked some rather blunt questions, he didn't want to answer but I forced the issue. I never asked them before because I didn't want to upset him. But I really wanted to open my eyes and see him for the the jerk that he is. If I heard one more time "i didn't want to hurt you, thats why I lied" I was going to scream. It was that he didn't want to lose his security blanket. I hope this angry feeling doesn't go away. I hope he knows what he just lost, I don't think he does. I think he thinks I'll come back like I always do....but I'm not this time...I need to get myself back and work on myself, good thing I'm meeting with a trainer tomorrow...will control what I can and he's not it! Anger is a great emotion, much better to deal with than sadness....not sure what number is it in the process of grieving?

[princess rose]

Hi, princess julie:

 

I myself am dealing with the anger phase of the grieving/healing process. It's all a part of the overall healing, so being angry is ok. I hope things get better for you, and that you recognize that you deserve someone who loves you with all their heart and soul, instead of a user. I'm going through this now, and it's not pretty, but you'll recover. Seek support from friends and you'll be ok.

[princessjulieanne]

My thoughts are with you, it hurts doesn't it, it really hurts. Yet as soon as I got home tonight I found myself wanting to call him. Doing my best not to, its not finished yet, I still have some things to say but not until I put lots of time and space between us. Hopefully, I'll be at a point where I don't want to say them or need to. How do you stop yourself from contacting him, any advice. And do you in the back of your mind think if I don't contact him, he'll miss me and want me back...silly I know but its there. Thanks for the support, I hope life brings joy to you soon.

[uriel]

The best way I've found to keep myself from contacting him is to think about the difference between my fantasy call outcome and the likely actual call outcome.

 

In my fantasy, he admits he's been a fool -- says he loves me and can't imagine why he pushed me away. In the actual calls we've had, he's disappointed me almost every time -- except for those very rare instances in which he responded to me like I wanted, the ones he later denied the meaning of, the ones that kept me on the hook. The last time we corresponded, he told me flat out, in the cruellest way possible, that he didn't love me and never could. If I ever get a really strong urge, I repeat that sentence in my head like a mantra. I'm sure you've got some terrible thing he said to use for your own.

 

So, the strategy here's nothing academic -- simple pain avoidance. He's hurt me so terribly, I'm sure he'll do it again if I give him half a chance. I've lost all faith that he can or will do right by me, and I can't stand getting burned again. I don't have any skin / protective layers left.

 

The key is to keep it real with yourself until you lose that irrational faith love brings. Every time you fantasize about the good call remind yourself of what's really going to happen. Focus on what he's done to hurt you and remind yourself that this is the same guy you've given the starring role in your daydream.

 

-- uriel

[princessjulieanne]

Yes it is true, reality certainly has a way of slapping you in the butt doesn't it. Was a terrible night last night, he called me on my cell phone on my way home to see if I was doing ok. I got very upset and asked why he was calling him, he got angry and then hung up the phone. Then he called me at home to tell me not to call him anymore because "I was scaring him". Basically I think he just tried to turn everything around to ease his guilt and blame it on me. So I will certainly use this last phone call as my focus any time I feel I want to give in. I just read in the "Chocolate for a Woman's Soul" book a story that ended with the quote " I am giving back to myself dignity, honour and self respect. I have come to the conclusion that I will never again settle for crumbs of affection from any man". Good words to live by I think.

[uriel]

Scaring him -- yeah, right. You're angry -- and anyone with sense would know why. He went to his girlfriend after fooling around with you. After you'd given him every bit of emotional support of a true partner, he's gotten together with someone else and let you know you're only the friend -- the back-up girl for everything, including sex.

 

Yes, he's trying to turn this back around on you. Guys do that -- calling women psycho, saying they're too emotional, when the truth is they just don't want to deal with the hurt and anger they've caused through their selfish and thoughtless actions. I'm not talking about all men, of course. Just the self-centered and immature ones.

 

You'll be so much better off without this guy. I'm sorry this hurts. I'm sorry you've fallen in love with the wrong man. When I think about how that's true of me, I remind myself of how many other smart, good women have done the same. Makes me feel like I'm not such a huge fool.

 

Ah well -- stick to no contact. If he comes back around, you'll deal with it then. Try not to anticipate. Keep the focus on yourself.

 

-- uriel

[princessjulieanne]

It is so good to talk about things and realize that what I am feeling is 100% normal. As soon as I hung up the phone I realized he couldn't handle the guilt nor is he entirely used to me saying anything back. I was always worried about poor "Rob's" feelings and being so careful not to say anything in case it hurt him. In fact on the phone I sarcastically said "yes of course we need to worry about Rob's feelings" he certainly doesn't know how to deal with my anger because he's never seen it. I don't know if he will ever call again, I'm guessing he will some time down the line when hes feeling lonely and in need. I'm hoping enough time has passed that I can go with my brains and not my heart.

[uriel]

My guy was shocked that I had a great deal of anger too. He said I was "bitter." That's another dismissive term for women's justifiably hurt feelings.

 

Hurt and angry? You bet. I'd kept everything packed down because I'd agreed to "just friends." I thought I didn't have a right to ask for what I wanted after that bargain -- that deal with the devil. It gave him free license to take things as far as he wanted without having to be responsible for anything. I also didn't say anything because I was afraid I'd lose him. I knew he was just that skittish.

 

Meanwhile, I lost something even worse than him -- my self respect. I'm glad to have that back. That too keeps me from contacting him. It's not pride exactly. It's a sense that I deserve to be acknowledged for what I was to him, deserve to be treated as the quality person I am. He had his chance to do that and failed.

 

Well -- I hope you stick to your guns and that this gets easier for you. I won't express the hope that he'll wake up and realize what he's losing. I'll just hope that you regain your strength and peace, so that you can deal with whatever comes.

 

--uriel

[princessjulieanne]

Thank you Uriel. You have been so supportive and understanding even with your pain. One of the most difficult thinks is accepting the fact that the person you fell in love with doesn't exist. I did not for the life of me realize just what type of person he was. Ironically enough if he had just been honest in the first place it would have been ok but he implies that he wants to see only you. But he's only been separated from his wife one year, he's bipolar and married young. Logically he needs to play the field and not settle down, but be honest about it. I managed to sleep very well last night without dreams of him and hoping he would call. But affraid if he called because my son who is 18 is very angry with him because of the pain he has caused over and over again, guess no man like's to see his mom cry (raised him well) His birthday is in early July I am so hoping by that time that I am healed and strong enough not to be tempted to call him...but I know I need to take one day at a time. Thank you again, you have been a great support for many on this site.