madde09 Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 hi guys. Having some issues. My partner (soon to be husband) is watching porn. I know, I know "every guy does it". I'm really trying to be ok with it. He doesn't choose it over me, he is loving, caring etc and all that otherwise but I still have such a hard time coming to terms with it. We have recorded movies ourselves but he still watches other stuff way more. I've come to the point where I don't want to watch porn with him, make more movies or do some stuff I know he's seen in porn movies..We've talked and talked about it but dont seem to come to a middle ground. It bothers me as well because i would like to have more sex and he says the same but as we both have demanding jobs, a lot of the time we just don't have the energy, but he obviously have the energy for this? He says it's a good thing and it makes him think about things we can do, however for me it's the total opposite, I feel very much less inclined to have sex and I'm not taking as much initaive etc any more. Suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 Porn has never been so instantaneously available before as it is now through technology. It's hard to know now who would be the guys frequenting the porn shops and who wouldn't go that far. Women and men both have to learn something new about this media reality. One thing men have to realize is that it's long been polite to keep one's fantasies to himself even if her has a vivid sexual imagination. But viewing a lot of porn and leaving a sort of audit trail translates into insensitivity to one's true partner. Women on the other hand also need to realize that this technology phenomenon that lets anyone see just about anything in an instant is something that society hasn't even come to terms with and there are no long established lines of restraint. There needs to be some understanding that availing himself to porn is not an automatic implication that she is lacking and that he is compensating for what is "not as good" about her as what he sees in porn. You said you've "talked and talked" about it, but what have you talked about? The mere rights and wrongs or the amounts? Or have you made any understanding that there needs to be consideration on both your parts to use porn rather than abuse it. It is possible to "use it"--as you implied he seems to think it gets him more "frisky" perhaps with you. That can be a good "use". If he uses it in other ways selfishly to indulge himself and leave you out, then that's an "abuse". Are you sure you've talked about the true range? Or has it been closer to an argument where you want absolutes and he wants absolutes? Link to post Share on other sites
Author madde09 Posted November 6, 2011 Author Share Posted November 6, 2011 No we ave honestly TALKED, not argued about it, and I do understand his point, even if i don't like it. He has said he will stop if it would mean that otherwise i would leave or it would cause major issues but I'm also wondering what that would lead to? He has been very honest saying it has nothing to do with us and he is more that happy and satisfied. We have a good sex life and sice it up with some stuff ;-)...But I still do feel soo crap about it. He also states that every man has desires for more than one woman and this is how he satisfies that??? Link to post Share on other sites
justmeRightnow Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 I probably can't give you a good advice given what I am going through (you can look at it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t305445/). But from where i stand, I don't see many problems in your relationship at all....if you have a healthy and a happy sexual life...if you are satisfied with it and he tells you honestly that he's happy too..if you feel that that's true from him..."porn" wouldn't bother me at all. porn is a quick and simple way for creating a sexual phantasy...and men have plenty of sexual phantasies...every day. In fact, taking that away from him might not help your relationship at all. He might have just enough sex drive to make enough love to you and satisfy the rest of his lust by watching porn. as a guy, I have always felt that the sex needs and sex energy levels between men and women cannot be compared....that we are genetically programmed to desire way more than women....as idiotic as this might sound too you.... I can really imagine that his watching porn is indeed unrelated to you. I know guys who love their partners, think they have the hottest women on the planet and still watch porn. Link to post Share on other sites
Tiberius Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 It sounds like you would like to have more sex and are not getting it, why else would you say "but he has energy for porn?" You have every right to be mad, if he says he is too tired for sex, but then plays with himself to porn. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 I don't really see why this is such a big issue for some women, and because I haven't dated or had a relationship with someone who felt it was a big deal I'm still stumped. Why most guys watch porn: - Because men like watching women being naughty, but it doesn't need to be taken beyond fantasy...we realize that for most women they wouldn't want to do some of these things - We love naked women...we never get tired of seeing a new pair of boobs no matter how many that we've seen..but we don't identify the woman with a personality or even a face unless she's hot - Because masturbation is something every healthy person does, and the material makes it easier to do...and it also gives a different satisfaction other than sex which in fact does take more energy What porn doesn't do for most men: - It does not replace the desire or attraction for our partner, in fact we love our partner while these girls are just a piece of flesh. We still love being with you - We do not compare these women to you...they are porn stars, its their job to do crazy **** and super naughty/sexy stuff, we don't compare their bodies or their abilities to yours. it's a complete separate thing - Interferes with our relationships mentally or emotionally. We don't replace any part of the relationship with porn, it is merely entertainment. We aren't like women, we aren't programmed to just desire one woman but we do control to act upon it and there is nothing wrong with this desire, we didn't choose to be wired this way. If you have issues with porn and it's not like obsessive or you interferes with the relationship then I think this would be a silly thing to ruin your relationship with. The bigger issue is why you have such a problem with it. You need to figure out why this bothers you so much..is it your insecurity in general? do you have body issues? jealousy issues? you're better off investing the time to tackle that issue rather than condemning your future husband from watching it and then making it feel like you put the lock on him already...that's a good sign there before marriage. However how you both choose to handle it is up to you....the fact that someone on a screen that is paid to do a job gets you jealous and disturbs you is more of a red flag for me than him watching porn. This makes me wonder what other things you have an issue with and will be upset if you don't get your way. Link to post Share on other sites
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