Engaged to somone who is not pretty...to me

[PlumPrincess]

In fact she is 31. I didn't express myself clearly..sorry.

I'm in my thirties If someone would let me go at that age, because he didn't love me, I'd appreciate that more than when he did that when I was too old to start a family with someone who really wanted me.

 

I think you really really want to get out, but you're scared, because you are fond of your shared memories with her and you don't know how will feel without her. My guess is, you will feel a huge relief when you let this relationship go, but that's just my personal opinion. But before you do that I would suggest that you go and talk with a professional psychologist and explain to him how you feel about your relationship.

[norajane]

I also told her honestly, many times, about the troubles..insecurities about us, the way i fluctuate in this regard....I told her so that she knows and can also decide, choose her own fate...I am not hidding this from her though obviously the language I use is much softer than the one on this board......I also think she needs to know..

....but she has never felt the need to end our relationshiop..she seems to have trust in it and in me....much greater trust in me than I have into myself. And this is why I feel like a constant lier...all the time....simply because our feelings are not the same.....

 

I think that you are right....but i am not sure it's the whole issue.

And even if you were completely right, how do you change this? What do you do next?

 

If you want to change things about yourself, you can go to therapy to better understand your issues and make incremental adjustments.

 

How would you feel if she took you at your word about your insecurities and fluctuating thoughts about your relationship, and dumped you for another man without your insecurities? Let's say she came home today and told you she gave a lot of thought to what you said, and decided she didn't want to deal with your ambivalence and found herself another guy to be with who thinks she's pretty and has begun to love her?

[Zapbasket]

I fall in line with the perspectives Norajane and Westrock have provided. I think you need to focus less on the perceived "lack" in your fiance and more on your own fears--about your relationship, about where you are in life and where you want to go, and about what "marriage" means to you.

 

Often I feel similarly to you in fearing committing to someone; I'm currently in a relationship with someone who at first behaved poorly with me and then, just as I'd reached my end, he pulled it together, worked on himself, and the behavior stopped, and he showed me over the months that he got it and the changes were real. I care about this person very much and he has been very good to me and shows me every day that I matter to him. Yet I cannot dispel this nagging intuition that he is not the right person for me and nor I for him, and we need to part ways.

 

I have asked myself many of the questions you pose here, and I strongly identify with your perspective and your confusion. Here's a thought that keeps me sane:

 

Often we focus too much on what the other person "lacks" or what the relationship "lacks," without entertaining the notion that much of what we perceive has to do with ourselves and ourselves alone. The decision to marry always requires a leap of faith, because the ultimate fate of any relationship is a great unknown, always. There will always be doubts. And I believe that making that leap is an act that ensues from having reached a certain level of emotional development as well as a certain level of satisfaction with where one is in life, and with who one has become. Without those things, it doesn't matter who you're with, you're not going to be able to follow through with getting married. The fears and nagging uncertainties and inability to be satisfied with the idea of either going through with marriage or breaking off the relationship are all internal mechanisms intended to tell you that you, YOU, are not ready to make this step. Because of things within YOU.

 

Because I think you're exactly right: there is no "perfect" match out there. There is always something you must overlook; there are always issues when two people attempt to merge their lives and commit to one another through thick and thin. And one day, you find yourself with the ability to look past all the downsides and dive into the unknown, and follow through with a marriage. It's not something you can force with a bunch of "shoulds." You feel it; you're developmentally and situationally ready.

 

You're not there yet, and that's okay. But be honest with yourself. Then, and only then, can you be truly kind and caring towards your fiance in whatever decision about this relationship you end up making.

[justmeRightnow]

I'm in my thirties If someone would let me go at that age, because he didn't love me, I'd appreciate that more than when he did that when I was too old to start a family with someone who really wanted me.

 

I think you really really want to get out, but you're scared, because you are fond of your shared memories with her and you don't know how will feel without her. My guess is, you will feel a huge relief when you let this relationship go, but that's just my personal opinion. But before you do that I would suggest that you go and talk with a professional psychologist and explain to him how you feel about your relationship.

 

PlumPrincess, thank you for the opinion.

I am not sure it would be a relief...I was away from my fiancee for a long time now (due to work commitments) and the idea of separating felt to me like a great relief sometimes...but sometimes it felt as exactly the opposite - as if everything would collapse...and trying to separate myself from her would burry something that should have never been questioned...I am older now and know that there are mistakes which cannot be repaired anymore...this is one of them...

 

As for a help from a professional psychologist: as I said before I tried it once...and it was a disaster. I found the person not to be very intelligent...I felt managed in that conversation....everything was as one would expect from people who take money from listening to you for an hour and need to solve problems within that time...or rather, don't want to solve them and talk general "fluff" of how they "we are going to work on them"....without really trying to engage with you..

What is there that a professional psychologist can help you with that you guys, people of common sense, don't know? Honestly I am very sceptical towards this profession. As I said before I am in the academia and this comes with a huge load of scepticism, cynicism...etc.

What would you think that a professional psychologist would tell me that would be different from what I am hearing here?

[justmeRightnow]

How would you feel if she took you at your word about your insecurities and fluctuating thoughts about your relationship, and dumped you for another man without your insecurities? Let's say she came home today and told you she gave a lot of thought to what you said, and decided she didn't want to deal with your ambivalence and found herself another guy to be with who thinks she's pretty and has begun to love her?

 

This is a great question. The answer won't be straightforward for I don't know exactly how to answer it. But let me put this in this way first: I have never felt jealousy towards my fiancee - and this is also something which worries me....i just have not. Partly it can be explained by the fact that she's a very trustworthy person.....and partly it can be explained by all the other things I said before. That said I know what jealousy means....and have experienced it myself...even the kind of jealousy which is makes a person very unhappy. I know how that feels...

And this is probably connected to the bigger problem of who who I fall in love with and who I feel attracted to. The women I felt jealous about were the women who physically attracted me, with whom I enjoyed making love to. But I knew we would not be good life partners and never loved them the way I have loved my fiancee (it was simply a different kind of feeling of affinity). There is only one girl who was similar to my finacee that I dated before - and accidently (or maybe not?) she was the person I dated the longest apart from my finacee. She was similar in the way that she was extremely intelligent and a great personality...she was the same in the way of being able to talk with me, to be interested in talking for hours about anything....we felt very comfortable around each other...other than when making love. We were young and she was already then ready to get married and wanted to get married with me...but I decided that our relationship was lacking something...and separated myself from her. She eventually married the guy she met 1 or 2 months after our break-up, has been living with him ever since and they have very nice children too. I've been in touch with them and still like her a lot as a person. I think we are good friends with a special connection.

 

Now to answer your question head on: I don't know how I would feel if my girlfriend, out of nowhere, dumped me for a different guy. I can't tell you it would feel great....has anybody ever felt great in such situations? I truly don't know what my response would be. But I will admit to you that sometimes I wished she would make the decision herself that I am not the right person for her...that me postponing our marriage would be the red signal that would guide her towards a decision which might end up in both of us living separate lives. She has entertained that possibility on a few occasions (as I was told by her) but it never became so that she would make that decision.

[Zapbasket]

What would you think that a professional psychologist would tell me that would be different from what I am hearing here?

 

It's not what a psychologist would "tell" you, as a good psychologist is not going to advise you on how to live your life. A good psychologist, no matter what his or her theoretical orientation (psychoanalytic, cognitive behavioral, eclectic, etc.) establishes a relationship with you through the therapeutic work together and then utilizes the tools obtained through the years of training, supervision, and practice to maintain the appropriate boundaries for enabling the therapeutic work to occur, and to make observations about your behavior in the context of your relationship with each other that might reveal things about how you feel and act in relationships with people in your "real life," and why you might feel and act the way you do.

 

It's true that good friends can sometimes serve this purpose, to an extent. But to say, "Why see a psychologist when good friends can help me understand my feelings" is like asking, "Why take my car to a good mechanic when I have a friend who's a skilled dabbler in car maintenance and repair?" A good mechanic is trained to know all the ins and outs of fixing car problems; likewise, a good psychologist is trained to identify maladaptive thought patterns and behaviors as well as to withstand the emotional challenges of being intimately exposed to a person's problems.

 

The time with a good psychologist--a GOOD one, mind you; there are a lot of quacks out there and that's in large part because there is not a reliable metric for psychotherapeutic competency--is truly an "emotional education," if you will. A Ph.D. in your own interior world. With the right psychologist, it's a life-changing, priceless investment.

[justmeRightnow]

GreenCove,

I hope you're still out there and that I will hear from you again!

Thank you for you response....I was particularly touched by it because in you mentioned something which in some ways truly showed that we might be in the same boat.

You talk about the general stability in one's life and that a decision to marry someone is not based solely on who the person is but also what's going one's own life...and you made a particular reference to "satisfaction with life overall"...etc.

I am currently juggling many balls at the same time......and one of the biggest issues is the uncertainty that both of us are facing in terms of our future employment....i.e. I don't know where I and she will be employed and whether the career that I have choosen is the right career for me either....there are many uncertanties and insecurities connected with that....and frustrations...very deep frustrations and a feeling of alienation with the environment and the people that occupy the environment. While both are finishing our PhDs at one of the best universities in the U.S. neither of us is certain that it'll amount to anything these days...we don't even know where we'll live (or want to live)...by that i mean which continent. As must be clear from what I have written thus far I am not from the U.S.

As you put it so well:

it's not something you can force with a bunch of "shoulds." You feel it; you're developmentally and situationally ready. .

 

I don't feel ready....I am not mentally there...and definitely not situationally.

But there's pressure: her parents are getting truly impatient and my family is wondering also what is going on...but there's more pressure for her from the environement: she looks around and sees that our friends are having babies and normal lives...it's all around us and I think she is deeply hurt anytime she sees someone's new baby (I just take it as a fact that is not related to me at all....for me career issues are probably the things which pain me more if I compare myself to my friends). Of course my fiancee has only the best wishes and intentions for our friends..and she's not the competitive type...don't get me wrong. It's more that she feels ready and has probably felt that way for a long time....and she's been patiently waiting for me.....and she's also worried about having children too late.

I am also not angry with her parents for putting pressure on her and for getting upset with me: if I was in their position I would do exactly the same....I might be maybe even less tolerant than they are these days!

I respect her parents...I get along with her dad really well too.

And marrying and having children is something I'd like to do for her...but I don't feel it...I don't feel that it'd be doing for myself too. Now people might feel compelled to say: come on, don't be selfish, get over yourself!

 

The trouble being with this logic is this: you've got to be selfish too....in order to make other people happy. You've got to be satisfied too, in order to make the environment around you comfortable.

I have experienced this in my life....in my 20s I was ignorant and satisfied with my life....selfish and self-centered. And for better or worse, I had more people around me.....for humans are intrinsically more interested in happy people than in troubled people, even if less selfish.

Now I feel it's the opposite: I am more sensitive to others and to their feelings (in some ways) but it's not making me any better friend or a person to be around.

There are no saints out there....sacrificing oneself for the good of others...that's only in fairtales. I find that people who are able to make the environmnet happy around them are those who manage to balance their selfishness and happiness with generosity towards others.

 

GreenCove, if you don't mind, would be able to tell me more about the troubles and anxieties that you're experiencing? And why do you think that you are not the right person for your partner and he is not the right person for you?

Thank you.

[justmeRightnow]

It's not what a psychologist would "tell" you, as a good psychologist is not going to advise you on how to live your life. A good psychologist, no matter what his or her theoretical orientation (psychoanalytic, cognitive behavioral, eclectic, etc.) establishes a relationship with you through the therapeutic work together and then utilizes the tools obtained through the years of training, supervision, and practice to maintain the appropriate boundaries for enabling the therapeutic work to occur, and to make observations about your behavior in the context of your relationship with each other that might reveal things about how you feel and act in relationships with people in your "real life," and why you might feel and act the way you do.

 

It's true that good friends can sometimes serve this purpose, to an extent. But to say, "Why see a psychologist when good friends can help me understand my feelings" is like asking, "Why take my car to a good mechanic when I have a friend who's a skilled dabbler in car maintenance and repair?" A good mechanic is trained to know all the ins and outs of fixing car problems; likewise, a good psychologist is trained to identify maladaptive thought patterns and behaviors as well as to withstand the emotional challenges of being intimately exposed to a person's problems.

 

The time with a good psychologist--a GOOD one, mind you; there are a lot of quacks out there and that's in large part because there is not a reliable metric for psychotherapeutic competency--is truly an "emotional education," if you will. A Ph.D. in your own interior world. With the right psychologist, it's a life-changing, priceless investment.

 

While I was writing a response to your earlier post, you already managed to answer one of my questions. I am happy that you're still around.

I take no issues with what you have written at all - the logic is impeccable.

 

Maybe my true complain was probably the following: finding a "good" psychologist is really difficult. And I don't have the money to be able to pay him/her, to be honest with you.

I have tried to talk to people that were accessible to me through the insurance policy that I have.....and the experience made me feel that it was a total waste of time (I talked to one psychologist but had an interview with 2 other psychologists there, altogether with three people in a place that employs around 8-9 psychologists....i.e. I talked to 30% of the staff). The language and behavior was so....... predictable...and ultimately idiotic......I wanted to hear their real opinion, to engage in a debate..to help me understand. Instead I got all these "clicheed prhases" that you hear in a bad drama.

anyhow, my best friend is actually a PhD psychologist and a researcher..it's funny, he advised me to go to church...for him, one can find people there who would be more helpful than in a psych. clinic. Now you need to know that none of us is religious.....very far from that. For him, it's a problem with a value system, with approaching life the way we approach it today....in a world with ultimately infinite possibilities (or so it seems)....we have lost the understaing of core values...and that's why he thought that church was the place where one could find a sensible advice. I have not tried it yet....and might do so if time allows it.

 

And there's one more worry that i have in regards to all this: FREUD!

I mean we still live in an era where "freudism" dominates the way we think about our lives (though so many would claim that we're beyond Freud). What I mean in concrete terms is the following: suppression is not good, trying to ignore or battle doubts or some deep desires is not good either..one needs to let them out, ventilate, understand them..make these "skeletons in the closet" come to the light and then get rid off them altogether. This is a beautifuly washed-down summary of Freudism..but I feel that on the individual and societal level, this belief is still very strong. I.e. trying to ignore what I feel toward my fiancee sometimes is like trying to keep that "skeleton in the closet" which, as we tend to believe, will come back and haunt both of us...

now I am not certain Freud was right...and I am not certain that even me talking about these issues here is helpful..that I am maybe blowing it out of proportion...focusing on the problems....and thus siking deeper into misery while it might not be necessary.

And what leads me to this belief? well according to Freud, or my incredibly simplified and washed-down version of his theory, one should feel utimately better when we say what we prevent us from saying or formulating in our words.

But to be honest I don't feel any better than when I started this thread.....maybe even worse..I don't know.

And I don't feel any better when we discuss these issues with my fiancee either.....

I mean there might be a temporary relief...but over the long-term it feels like one is killing something very precious just by giving a form to these emotions in words.

Edited November 8, 2011 by justmeRightnow

[Eternal Sunshine]

I suspect that my boyfriend of 8 months may feel this way about me

 

Can you please answer a couple of questions?

 

1. How often did you have sex during the first year of your relationship?

 

2. Apart from sex, are you affectionate with her in other physical ways (i.e. hugs, touching, kissing?)

 

3. What words did you exactly use to tell her that her looks may be an issue for you?

[justmeRightnow]

Eternal Sunshine,

describe your situation to me....and I will be able to tell you more then. I promise I'll give it a serious thought.

but let me try to answer some of the questions:

 

1. How often did you have sex during the first year of your relationship?

 

I don't remember for we would be dating the first year..and we would have sex when we met...maybe once or twice a week...I remember not having any feelings of doubt at that time...but I also do remember that when we went for a long vacation (3 weeks) together after the first 8 months of dating I realized that I am having doubts or feelings of not wanting to have sex...during that time.

 

 

 

2. Apart from sex, are you affectionate with her in other physical ways (i.e. hugs, touching, kissing?)

 

Yes, I have not problem with that...being nice to her..it comes naturally to me...stike her hair, hugging her...

it's a problem when we become more intimate...when it's about real sex.

 

 

3. What words did you exactly use to tell her that her looks may be an issue for you?

 

Can't answer this question -not because I don't want to but because I don't remember....I probably tried to suggest that she should wear this instead of that, or what kind of hair style suits her...etc. these are all the indirect hints. And then when we talked directly about our problems, in the few moments of crisis, I simply spoke about the fact that I don't feel the passion or romantic love anymore....

and she said that that's normal, that adults are like that. I think she understood my words well, but has not realized the depth of the problem...

 

again..just tell me more about yourself...and the issues you're facing..and what you're thinking about the whole debate here. It might be helpful to both of us.

Edited November 8, 2011 by justmeRightnow

[Zapbasket]

Well, you know, the funny thing is that finding a good psychologist with whom to engage in long-term, meaningful therapeutic work is a lot like finding a great romantic partner--i.e., it's always a rare and precious find and one must weed through a lot of muck before the treasure surfaces. Quite ironic when you think about it...especially when one is seeking a psychologist in order to sort out one's feelings about a romantic partner!

 

Now, about Freud...I think his work was real genius and I often come to his defense as so few people ever bother to read him seriously. Especially in the humanities...they just dismiss him as some antiquated overly phallocentric perv and leave it at that. In psychological circles, too--they act like we've advanced so far beyond Freud as to render him irrelevant but really Freud is like a great novelist...you can reread and reread and always take away something new, and relevant even in today's era of neurological explanations for mental phenomena.

 

Freud never said that just by talking about something difficult can you alleviate psychological pain. Talking, or "free association," (i.e., speaking whatever comes to mind even if the connections between ideas seem completely illogical), is certainly a part of it, but interpretation is important, too--interpretation of all the free associations. Talking, especially with intellectual types as you seem to be, can also be a form of defense. For instance, you talk a lot about how your partner's physical attributes do not ignite a spark for you. That's perfectly relevant on the surface, and certainly raises alarm since, as one poster said, typically when you are deeply in love with someone they appear beautiful to you, even when objectively, they are not what everyone would consider "beautiful." But what if you probed deeper into your feelings? What if you strove to articulate everything you are feeling in those moments when she is in front of you and you find yourself NOT feeling something you think you "SHOULD" feel?

 

If you tried that route, you might uncover all kinds of things about how you feel about many things in your life right now, not just her. The reward is not necessarily further clarity about HER, but certainly it is a process by which you can come to know yourself with a greater clarity...and that, in turn, might enable you to understand better your feelings about your fiance. Then again, you could go through that process and feel much more confident in the simple fact that you are not sufficiently attracted to your fiance to spend the rest of your life with her. It's a perfectly valid reason to break up with someone.

 

But the thing that raises concern is that you have so shrouded that simple fact in "shoulds" and "what ifs" and "whys" that it demands that you examine your deeper motivations and feelings--about many things. It sounds like you need to understand yourself better at this time in your life before you can make a decision with which you feel comfortable.

 

A good psychologist could explore that with you--not just through you talking it all out with him or her, but also through him or her actively listening, asking you to clarify things you say, and suggesting connections between things that perhaps you have not recognized. The greater clarity that ensues from this interchange is the therapeutic work and ultimately is what leads to that sense of alleviation you seek.

 

I went on a bit of a ramble here; hope some of it helps.

[Zapbasket]

To answer your other question, in my case I just feel this nagging intuition, no matter what is happening in my life and my relationship, that my current partner is not the right one for me.

 

If you search my threads, you'll see where I wrote about my unhappiness with some of my partner's behaviors. Well, after a year of trying to convey to him how and why X behaviors of his bothered me, he finally got it; he really listened, and then followed through with true, lasting changes. He became much more attentive and maturely communicative and any doubts I had about his care for me dissipated.

 

You'd think that would be enough, right? Especially when I always said that it's a great thing when someone is able to address their flaws and make changes as it's a sign of real character and self-awareness and humility.

 

But I just can't shake this feeling that we are not right for each other. At the same time, we have formed a wonderful connection after our initial difficulties and I truly care for him deeply as a person. I love having him in my life and I have no doubt that he will succeed in life and make a solid, honest partner.

 

Yet I feel he is not "enough" for me. And for a long time I dwelt on that, and when that led me nowhere I changed tactics. I began asking myself why I was dissatisfied with where my life is right now generally, and I found that I feel like I'm not where I need to be. I have a strong sense of what my purpose is in life and I feel right now I am not fulfilling it, and nor am I in the place, geographically, where I can return to fulfilling it. At the same time, I feel there must be some reason why I wound up in this tiny mountain town, as I left a big city looking for something more, and I feel I must really take in the lessons I am being given during my time here, and really polish my "inner compass," if the decisions I make in the coming months are to be the best ones for me.

 

It's a very uncertain time, and I know that the uncertainties I am feeling spread far beyond my partner. Like you, I believe that each time we form a meaningful relationship with someone, it is a precious gift not to be taken lightly. This man has shown me that he is a truly decent human being, flawed, but decent. (Unlike my previous boyfriend, who truly had a personality disorder, no exaggeration.)

 

I so wish I could say that who I am with now is the partner meant for me, to spend my life with and have a baby with and weave into the fabric of my inmost being, but I don't feel that way and I don't fully understand why. I find myself wishing for something "more," but perhaps a large part of that is me recognizing on some level that in order for me to have the kind of relationship that would truly satisfy me, I--I--need to become something "more." I need to develop into a more mature version of myself. And before I end things, if I do end things, with my current partner, I owe it to myself first and foremost and him also to explore just what I mean by "more."

 

I'm not even certain about anything I wrote here. And I apologize for being so long-winded...I tend to be that way when I'm trying to give due justice to something thought-provoking as your situation is. Hope this answered your question somewhat

[westrock]

As for a help from a professional psychologist: as I said before I tried it once...and it was a disaster. I found the person not to be very intelligent...I felt managed in that conversation....everything was as one would expect from people who take money from listening to you for an hour and need to solve problems within that time...or rather, don't want to solve them and talk general "fluff" of how they "we are going to work on them"....without really trying to engage with you..

What is there that a professional psychologist can help you with that you guys, people of common sense, don't know? Honestly I am very sceptical towards this profession. As I said before I am in the academia and this comes with a huge load of scepticism, cynicism...etc.

What would you think that a professional psychologist would tell me that would be different from what I am hearing here?

 

GreenCove has given you good answers about psychology.

 

You must be in science and expect everything to be black and white supported by proven facts.

 

Technically, from an academia or intellectual perspective the answer to the issue you've posed in your original post is actually very simple. But, you're not looking at the right issue. Your true issue is actually an emotional issue. How your fiancee physically looks is just a secondary issue masking a bigger issue. Your real issue is about your perfectionism, need for certainty, and the resulting need for control. I think what's holding you back is that you've realized that those traits are totally contrary to the idea of marriage. By getting married, your way of living is threatened at an emotional level. As a defence mechancism, your subconscious is focusing on the physical attributes of your fiancee as a way for you to back out and you know she can't change her physical attributes and society will be more accepting of this reason.

 

What you need to do is find out what are the underlying unresolved emotional issues that you have that are causing you to rely on perfectionism, certainty, and control. Once you understand that, you can let go of your need for perfectionism, certainty and control.

 

In theory you could ask everyone here for advice and debate back and forth (like you wanted to do with the psychologist), but in the end your subconscious will only allow you to do what you feel emotionally comfortable doing. Asking on a public forum will only get you so far because likely everyone who is responding is not professionally trained to help you navigate the emotional issues.

 

You probably felt managed because you weren't sure where the psychologist was leading you and you didn't see any real defined path or solution. Perfectionists like control, and you didn't have control, hence the feeling of being managed. What you didn't know was that the psychologist was likely directing you down a path of self discovery and self realization of your need for control, certainty and perfectionism, but because it made you feel managed, your subconcious didn't like it, and you didn't stick it out long enough for the psychologist to help you. You see, the real benefit from psychology does not come from the time you are with the psychologist, but the time after you have seen the psychologist where you can let things sink in and where you are able come to your own self realization and make your own decisions.

 

Psychologists are professionally trained with a Ph.D. so it's not "fluff" as you say. You need to let them guide you. A good psychologist will not tell you what to do or problem solve for you. Instead, a psychologist's role is to guide you by listening to you to identify your real issues, and asking you questions to help you self-identify and resolve various layers of conflicting emotional issues that you are experiencing. If they were to just tell us what to do, we would never do it because our own ego will resist anything that threatens it.

 

But I will admit to you that sometimes I wished she would make the decision herself that I am not the right person for her...that me postponing our marriage would be the red signal that would guide her towards a decision which might end up in both of us living separate lives. She has entertained that possibility on a few occasions (as I was told by her) but it never became so that she would make that decision.

 

This is a classic response from a committment phobic person. You cannot make a decision to proceed forward or to end the relationship because that would mean making a commitment to something to which you have no certainty about the outcome. Instead you avoid the decision hoping the other person would make the decision for you.

 

I don't feel ready....I am not mentally there...and definitely not situationally.

 

Here's the thing.. if wait until you're ready, you'll never get there. Life is like that. Life is about assessing the situation and making the best decision within that situation. You have to learn how to live with the uncertainty. You just make it work.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Well, it's few conversations that we had... where he told me that our relationship is not based primarily on passion but that he does feel passion. He said that I am closer to his ideal woman in personality than in looks. But he also tells me that I am beautiful all the time. He has made subtle suggestions about changing my hair... and few more about my weight (note: I am of an average weight but would love to tone up a bit myself).

 

He said that it wasn't love at first sight for him but that he fell deeply in love with me as he got to know me.

 

It's mainly my intuition.... We don't have sex as much as I would like but it's still a decent amount...3-4 times a week. He seems to have no problem getting turned on when we start kissing... He also tells me "I love you so much" and "you are so beautiful" when we make love.

 

I asked him directly about it and he completly denied it, said that he is in love with me completely, physically and emotionally. That he loves every second of sex we have. Of course, he knows that I would break up with him if he said otherwise.

 

I am just scared that I will lose years of my life on this relationship if he feels what you feel. It's a nagging thought that just won't go away.

 

He is a really good man. Do you have any tips about how to find out for sure?

 

It's silly to break up with him over this nagging thought.

[justmeRightnow]

Sunshine,

I have a feeling that you don't have a problem...at least where I stand, you seem to be doing perfectly fine.

 

 

Well, it's few conversations that we had... where he told me that our relationship is not based primarily on passion but that he does feel passion. He said that I am closer to his ideal woman in personality than in looks. But he also tells me that I am beautiful all the time. He has made subtle suggestions about changing my hair... and few more about my weight (note: I am of an average weight but would love to tone up a bit myself).

 

The weight is always a tricky issue between men and women.....and I do admit that it is important for me as well - just like women that are athletic more than not.

Women are much more tolerant in this regards...they are more tolerant in many regards...and I wish men could be like that too. I wish I could be like that too.

 

He said that it wasn't love at first sight for him but that he fell deeply in love with me as he got to know me.

 

Don't see any problem with this at all....in fact have known people who developed very deep feelings for each other even if it was not love at first sight....though we all wish it would be!

 

It's mainly my intuition.... We don't have sex as much as I would like but it's still a decent amount...3-4 times a week. He seems to have no problem getting turned on when we start kissing... He also tells me "I love you so much" and "you are so beautiful" when we make love.

 

3-4 times a week? How old are you, and how old is he? You've been together for 8 months? It depends from every person and every couple...3-4 times a week would be great in our case...I would be extremely happy to have a relationship like that. For some other people, it might be different.

But from what you're telling me, I don't see any red flag here.

 

 

I asked him directly about it and he completly denied it, said that he is in love with me completely, physically and emotionally. That he loves every second of sex we have. Of course, he knows that I would break up with him if he said otherwise.

 

Well you see that's also different. My fiancee never asks about this..and I would never tell her a lie if she did ask. But when we did discuss these things she didn't get upset about what I have said..she was hurt as everybody would..and I was hurt because I had to say what I said - for I didn't want her to be unhappy.

I can't tell whether your partner tells you lies or not..don't know enough about you two. But from what you're telling me, you are doing fine!!!

 

I am just scared that I will lose years of my life on this relationship if he feels what you feel. It's a nagging thought that just won't go away.

 

My sense is that he doesn't. He might want you to loose a bit of weight or something but that's very different from my situation...and he might be a much more simpler and nicer guy...in a good way! I am not a typical guy and in certain respects very complicated (in a bad way).

 

He is a really good man. Do you have any tips about how to find out for sure?

Him being responsive to you in bed is one of the best ways how to know this....him looking at your face for a long time and smiling..seemingly satisfied is another.....there's no one real method.

The little I know about you suggests that things are well. Don't let insecurities get into your way in this case...if you are happy with him.

Of course it's never a bad idea to try to look pretty for your partner...I feel that working on this is important..and it gets more important when one stays together with each other for longer.

[justmeRightnow]

GreenCove,

Thank you for the elaboration on Freud. I knew that my simplified version would not work with someone who's read him and who'd take my words seriously. I have read only 2 books by him (liked both) and that's it. When I used the term "freudism" I had in mind the truly simplifed notion that is commonly associated with him, the simplified idea of having to vent one's burried emotions in order to stay healthy. This is clearly a caricature of Freud but it allowed me to say what I tried to say: that I am not sure that this "common knowledge" is really correct...i.e. that sometimes surpressing one's feelings might be beneficial to the health of us as individuals.

I have always respected classic works in any discipline and Freud belong to the best minds in the last century. Thus I should leave the topic aside.

 

I'd rather want to respond to the following:

 

Well, you know, the funny thing is that finding a good psychologist with whom to engage in long-term, meaningful therapeutic work is a lot like finding a great romantic partner--i.e., it's always a rare and precious find and one must weed through a lot of muck before the treasure surfaces. Quite ironic when you think about it...especially when one is seeking a psychologist in order to sort out one's feelings about a romantic partner!

 

yeah..I could totally believe it...and find it beautifully ironic! This is also why an advice as to seek help from a psychologist, never mind how well-intended it is, isn't truly helpful..I'd say.... for if we look at the odds and time you spent looking...this is simply not the best solution, at least not in the short-term, given the odds.

 

defense. For instance, you talk a lot about how your partner's physical attributes do not ignite a spark for you. That's perfectly relevant on the surface, and certainly raises alarm since, as one poster said, typically when you are deeply in love with someone they appear beautiful to you, even when objectively, they are not what everyone would consider "beautiful." But what if you probed deeper into your feelings? What if you strove to articulate everything you are feeling in those moments when she is in front of you and you find yourself NOT feeling something you think you "SHOULD" feel?

 

If you tried that route, you might uncover all kinds of things about how you feel about many things in your life right now, not just her. The reward is not necessarily further clarity about HER, but certainly it is a process by which you can come to know yourself with a greater clarity...and that, in turn, might enable you to understand better your feelings about your fiance. Then again, you could go through that process and feel much more confident in the simple fact that you are not sufficiently attracted to your fiance to spend the rest of your life with her. It's a perfectly valid reason to break up with someone.

 

You see I am confused by the idea of trying to probe my feelings in a deeper way. I am not certain how to do that or what it means? I've been trying to be brutally honest with myself in this regard(and not just in this one)..I'm generally very critical and try to understand why I do this or that....I don't know how to find the deeper meaning in of all this as you suggest....or how to get that out...if I am hiding something or something is not clear to me...than it's simply because I block it out in such a way that I am not even able to reach beyond that block....I don't know how to probe deeper....seems to me that I am doing that...but to you guys it looks like I am scratching the surface.

 

But the thing that raises concern is that you have so shrouded that simple fact in "shoulds" and "what ifs" and "whys" that it demands that you examine your deeper motivations and feelings--about many things. It sounds like you need to understand yourself better at this time in your life before you can make a decision with which you feel comfortable.

 

A good psychologist could explore that with you--not just through you talking it all out with him or her, but also through him or her actively listening, asking you to clarify things you say, and suggesting connections between things that perhaps you have not recognized. The greater clarity that ensues from this interchange is the therapeutic work and ultimately is what leads to that sense of alleviation you seek.

 

okay I see...so there is no oher way but to seek a help from a psychologist? I can't somehow do that myself?

[justmeRightnow]

 

This is a classic response from a committment phobic person. You cannot make a decision to proceed forward or to end the relationship because that would mean making a commitment to something to which you have no certainty about the outcome. Instead you avoid the decision hoping the other person would make the decision for you.

 

Sorry Westrock..but I don't think I follow your logic. I didn't make the decision not because of the uncertainty as to what would happen to my life (in that regard I am strangely not worried and have never been) but simply because I was not able to hurt my fiancee...wasn't able to see her suffer in that moment...didn't want to hurt her...felt that it was my obligation not to do so....that I had no right to do so.....that I really liked her so much that I was not able to break apart......maybe I was not in a romantic love with her..and half of my brain or body or whatever was shouting to separate..but the other was shouting not too.....and it was not for the fear of the future. I had only her in mind when I thought what it would mean and how she would feel.

If she broke up with me..it would be different..she wouldn't be as hurt for she'd feel that it was her decision....it's simple, much simpler than you make it to be.

 

 

 

Here's the thing.. if wait until you're ready, you'll never get there. Life is like that. Life is about assessing the situation and making the best decision within that situation. You have to learn how to live with the uncertainty. You just make it work.

\

 

Here I agree with you fully....though it contradicts some of the stuff which was said about: i.e. that one feels it when one's ready....and it seems to me that both are correct.....maybe just depending on the person and personality?

[justmeRightnow]

To answer your other question, in my case I just feel this nagging intuition, no matter what is happening in my life and my relationship, that my current partner is not the right one for me.

 

If you search my threads, you'll see where I wrote about my unhappiness with some of my partner's behaviors. Well, after a year of trying to convey to him how and why X behaviors of his bothered me, he finally got it; he really listened, and then followed through with true, lasting changes. He became much more attentive and maturely communicative and any doubts I had about his care for me dissipated.

 

You'd think that would be enough, right? Especially when I always said that it's a great thing when someone is able to address their flaws and make changes as it's a sign of real character and self-awareness and humility.

 

But I just can't shake this feeling that we are not right for each other. At the same time, we have formed a wonderful connection after our initial difficulties and I truly care for him deeply as a person. I love having him in my life and I have no doubt that he will succeed in life and make a solid, honest partner.

 

Yet I feel he is not "enough" for me.

 

Yes, I know exactly what you mean by this...though the content of what you're feeling and what I am feeling my be different...the way you put it, I can identify with it!

 

 

 

And for a long time I dwelt on that, and when that led me nowhere I changed tactics. I began asking myself why I was dissatisfied with where my life is right now generally, and I found that I feel like I'm not where I need to be. I have a strong sense of what my purpose is in life and I feel right now I am not fulfilling it, and nor am I in the place, geographically, where I can return to fulfilling it.

 

Well this is almost insane for it sounds like what I would say about myself....a stong sense of purpose in life (i.e. I feel I have a purpose..though I don't have a clue now what it is?......does it make sense?)...and I feel that I am geographically not there where I need to be...but I don't know where I need to be. It's just the place where I am that is not right.

 

 

 

It's a very uncertain time, and I know that the uncertainties I am feeling spread far beyond my partner. Like you, I believe that each time we form a meaningful relationship with someone, it is a precious gift not to be taken lightly. This man has shown me that he is a truly decent human being, flawed, but decent. (Unlike my previous boyfriend, who truly had a personality disorder, no exaggeration.)

 

Well this is different. I truly think that m fiancee is amazing..not flawed in any way and a very very special personality. The only flaw is the one which I described above...at least in my eyes...well I am not even sure it's a flaw..for it might be just an unlucky match-up. I know that she's attractive to other men...

 

I so wish I could say that who I am with now is the partner meant for me, to spend my life with and have a baby with and weave into the fabric of my inmost being, but I don't feel that way and I don't fully understand why. I find myself wishing for something "more," but perhaps a large part of that is me recognizing on some level that in order for me to have the kind of relationship that would truly satisfy me, I--I--need to become something "more." I need to develop into a more mature version of myself. And before I end things, if I do end things, with my current partner, I owe it to myself first and foremost and him also to explore just what I mean by "more."

 

I feel in many ways the same....but my worry is that I won't be able to experience what "more" means if we don't break up. This is what my nagging feeling, deep down there, tells me.

But then there's another feeling, it's more logical and rational but not necessarily wrong (for I have realized that this kind of rational tends to be right over a long-period of time): the logic is that it's not breaking up before I can experience what it means "more" but it's staying together and fighting my demons that will allow me to experience more.

 

 

I'm not even certain about anything I wrote here. And I apologize for being so long-winded...I tend to be that way when I'm trying to give due justice to something thought-provoking as your situation is. Hope this answered your question somewhat

 

not long-winded at all.....you write in ways that makes sense to me.

If you don't mind asking me, what do you do for living? Please don't tell me you're in academia...my sense is that our jobs will be in some way related.

[westrock]

Sorry Westrock..but I don't think I follow your logic. I didn't make the decision not because of the uncertainty as to what would happen to my life (in that regard I am strangely not worried and have never been) but simply because I was not able to hurt my fiancee...wasn't able to see her suffer in that moment...didn't want to hurt her...felt that it was my obligation not to do so....that I had no right to do so.....

 

But with the way you have been acting (or not acting) towards your fiancee, you are already hurting her. You don't seem to understand that. How fair is it to her for you do be so indecisive? You got engaged to her, yet you are now raising an issue that you knew about and she cannot change.

 

that I really liked her so much that I was not able to break apart......maybe I was not in a romantic love with her..and half of my brain or body or whatever was shouting to separate..but the other was shouting not too.....and it was not for the fear of the future. I had only her in mind when I thought what it would mean and how she would feel.

This is the uncertainty I'm talking about. You're emotionally conflicted, unable to decide one way or the other, whether to separate or not separate. In situations like this, people often just avoid the issue hoping it will resolve on its own, but it doesn't work like that because as you've discovered there is now pressure coming from outside sources (her family, her friends, etc).

 

You have to examine WHY you are unable to make this decision and what is the root cause of your conflict.

 

If she broke up with me..it would be different..she wouldn't be as hurt for she'd feel that it was her decision

 

If she ends it, it would be because she is putting an end to the emotional hurt you're causing. She would still be hurt, probably even more so. You want her to break it off so that you can avoid taking responsibility for your role in what led to the break up.

 

it's simple, much simpler than you make it to be.

 

You're right. Either deal with the issue, or break it off. It's not complicated at all.

 

Here's a suggestion... if you don't want to go to a psychologist, then start reading some books such as "He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships" by Carter and Sokel. Get it at amazon or go to the library. What they discuss in that book is exactly what you've been posting about.

[eerie_reverie]

I think if you marry her you'll eventually have a mid-life crisis.

[allina]

Is there anything she could do to improve the situation?

 

For example, things like, weight, bad teeth, bad skin can all be fixed. Is it something cosmetic or is it way deeper than that?

[TheFinalWord]

Hello,

The title of my thread says it all.......in fact it doesn't. But if I was to reduce all those 5 years of our wonderful relationship into one single line that was to explain why I am worried about getting married, it would probably be that horrible line above.

 

I need help with something that I don't know how to solve myself...and that I can't share with my friends, my relatives and most of all, with my fiancee...

 

We have been together for 5 years...and overall it has been very very nice. We are both pursuing academic careers (at one of the top universities) and this is where we understand each other really well: we can speak for hours about literature, politics, sports, music or any other topic while enjoying each other's company. When we travel and when we are together in our apartment, we do really well as well....I think.

 

I respect her very much...I have not had greater respect for any other woman that I dated before. She has a wonderful personality: trustworthy, gentle, kind and smart..someone who would be a wonderful mother to our children - a topic we talk about often these days.

We are in our early 30s and my fiancee has no doubts about her feelings - she wants to get married and plan a life together.

 

And here comes the "but". There probably always is one. I don't feel it....I don't simply feel it in my heart....I don't feel that I want to get married and there's one rather simple reason for that: sometimes I just don't find my fiancee attractive.....and that "sometimes" has become now "quite often". I am not attracted and it pains me....when we make love it costs me lot of emotional energy to be a good and caring lover (it is almost never natural to me). And it pains me that I cannot give her that sort of physical love that she would deserve for the wonderful being she is......But the biggest problem (and many will not believe me here) is that I feel even more pain when I look at her don't find her face pretty.....I wish I would and sometimes try to force myself into seeing her as somone I enjoy looking at...but it often doesn't work and so I look away...wait for the moment when it such feelings go away...wait for her to have a better day, to be more rested....to look better.

I try to supress such thoughts of her not being "pretty to me"......but when we go out together for dinner and accidently come across someone in the street,or in the restaurant whose face I find pretty to look at, I feel almost a physical pain... for I wish that I could look at my fiancee that way too.

 

I want to tell you that this is more than about sex. I know that sex becomes old with almost anyone after a few years ...I can do without it, mastrubate or find a way how to solve it together. This is about the emotions that I want to feel for my finacee.....it is about being truly able to tell here that she is "beautiful today" and feel it that way too. Often I feel that I need to lie. Hence,I feel unhappy...unhappy for she deserves more than lies and because I want to live a life where I don't need to lie either. I want to give her the honest feeling of admiration (something which one cannot fake). I want to adore her not just for the person that she is, but also for the woman that she is....... I think that every woman deserves to be loved in both ways...

 

...but I don't know how to will myself into seeing her face and feeling joy sometimes. I want to walk along side with her and look at her face and feel joy...enjoy watching her...finding it pretty again and again..instead I have to avoid our eye contact for I am worried she would see what my eyes are seeing....i.e that they are looking for beauty and cannot find it.

 

In the past I never had trouble breaking up..I could be very decisive...and go with my gut feelings.

Not this time...I have been feeling this for a while now (a few years?)..but I am not even sure what my gut feelings are anymore..they fluctuate..sometimes I see her and find her pretty and everything is fine. Sometimes it just hits me so badly that I cannot move....and this kind of feeling comes back and back, it never goes away forever.

I have not breaken up because I am unsure about it - I don't feel I would be any more relieved......but I won't be relieved if we get married either.. I am stuck!

 

I am worried to get married because I know that I can be a better lover than I am now.... I don't want to get married for I am not feeling entirely happy...and I worry for her and our own sake...what do these emotions mean?

 

P.S. I hope you will not misunderstand what I am trying to tell you here: my finacee is generally a pretty person - there are quite a few men who find her attractive. And I am not looking for a "model"..have never dated anyone like that and don't need anyone like that. I just want to look at her and feel: my wife is pretty to me!

 

Hi,

 

I am in academia myself and in my thirties. I have not had time to read the entire thread (like you said, busy lives ). But I think you may be over analyzing some things...

 

1. If you are not physically attracted to her that is going to be a major problem. No matter how smart you are, no matter how great your conversations are, at the end of the day you're a man. You need physical attraction. I don't necessarily think there is some deep psychological link here. You're just not that physically attracted to her. Having sex with her should be building your self-esteem and deepening your love for her, not draining you. You stated that if she left you for another man you don't even know how if it would really bother you. That is a tell-tale sign for me.

 

I've been in a relationship like that before. I never got jealous; even when she flirted with another guy right in front of me. There was no deep reason for it. Just not a strong physical attraction.

 

The thing is you need both; and you deserve both...mental attraction and physical attraction. You're a man, no need to deny it. And no reason your sex life should be so deprived already. Healthy married couples make love quite often! If you want to try to salvage the relationship I would bring it up to her. You stated she wants to know what's taking so long with a marriage proposal. You (and her) deserve to at least try to bring it up and see if it helps before calling it quits. Do it through professional counseling if you want. Maybe tell her that you feel she has gotten to relaxed with her appearance and you don't feel the romance. That's a common problem with LT relationships.

 

2. You're in a transitional period. Rarely is that a good time for a man to get married. I have two years left in my program and there is pretty much no chance I would get married right now. Too many unknown variables. Not impossible, but no way I would do that unless I was highly attracted (in all dimensions) to the girl and she was extremely flexible.

 

3. Reiterate point 1...At the end of the day you've got to be physically attracted to her. You've got to tell her. If you don't, you're subconscious will find another way to drive her away. That's what happened to me. You're a nice guy. I can tell you are trying to find some rational reason to justify marriage to her. Problem is physical attraction is not something you can really change; you are either attracted or you are not. One thing I know is that as a man you have to have that.

 

I know what you mean about how you don't need a supermodel and you're not superficial. You can't control who you're physically attracted to. I have been highly physically attracted to women who would not be ranked 9s and 10s by a lot of men's standards, but for me they were incredibly beautiful. It's subjective so don't beat yourself up over it. I'm sure if there was a button you could push to make her beautiful in your eyes you would push it. It's obvious from the effort you're making her. Problem is there is no magic solution.

 

Good luck.

[OliveOyl]

If you don't feel it now... before you get married... if you're already at the low point of having sex every 2-3 weeks... it will not get better after you get married. I agree with TheFinalWord. Best to end it now. It's not complicated; it's simple. You're not attracted to her. No further analysis needed.

 

I tend to believe that after a certain point of getting to know someone, things will never be significantly better than they were at the best parts of the beginning. In other words, if there was compelling chemistry in the beginning, that may get covered up over the years but can be uncovered later (rekindle the spark). But if there never were sparks even to begin with, they are not going to magically appear years later.

 

Chances are, if you two get married, one of you will end up having an affair where someone will discover the real "passion" that has been missing.

[justmeRightnow]

Hello FinalWord,

Thank you for your response. Coming from someone in the academia, I am happy about it too....cause this is a strange world we live in...hard to explain sometimes to people who don't know it.

I am reading your response and thinking what I would say if I was to give an advice to someone in my shoes. And I would probably reason the way you are reasoning about it now.

 

and I'd like it to be that we both have both: the physical and the mental.

At the same time I am not sure if that truly exists for either of us? I mean I think my fiancee would find a guy who would love her easily....I don't think she's ever had trouble finding guys before we started dating..and she gets invitations from men too....that said I am not sure she likes the men who try to chat her up.

As for me....i know that I'd like to have both.....the physical and the mental....and I know why I am unhappy about it now. Bu I also have never found anyone like that....who would have both things. For me It was either about the physical or about the mental. My fiancee is the best girl I have ever dated....and I don't think there are too many women out there like her....

I am not probably a person who is easily satisfied with anything..thinking about it..probably even conflicted as I want things that don't exist...or can't exist. The stuff I like in my fiancee and the women that attract me physically....maybe they are not even compatible....

I don't know anymore.

You said that healthy couples have sex quite often....

we are healthy....and I am a guy who's got quite a lot of energy. That said, aren't there couples who are happy with each other even if sex isn't the best? I don't know.

All the things I am hearing here .....all of them sound simple: though to be honest with you I somehow don't see it so simply in my own life. What is obvious to people on the board is very complicated in real life...

or maybe it's not.....

well it's what I wanted to get when I came here: the get a reflection to stuff that I am writing..to see how people who don't know anything about me and her will think about us...to sort of have my own words reflected backt to me through the thoughts of others...and it is sort of depressing to see that the only reflection that I am getting is: break it off! Well because at the end, this is what I am probably subconsciously writing here anyways...

I wonder how people see us in the real life and what they think tha I am thinking....strangely enough, even though everybody is sort of agreed on the solution to my problem, that it seems obvious to people here, in the real life people don't notice that I might be struggling with this.....at least no one has really suggested that to me from...i.e. my family, my best friend, maybe my fiancee somehow have no clue.....I am not sure if it's because i am hidding well, or because I am exeggerating here and the reality is not so bad....

well the facts about us having sex once in 2-3 weeks is true. And I usually don't get much pleasure out if it..emotionally....but I am sort of happy we did it afterwards...and feel relieved. does that make sense to anyone?

 

 

 

Hi,

 

Good luck.

 

yeah, i think I will need it. I wish there was this magical solution...seems there is none.

[KathyM]

.

Hi,

 

I am in academia myself and in my thirties. I have not had time to read the entire thread (like you said, busy lives ). But I think you may be over analyzing some things...

 

1. If you are not physically attracted to her that is going to be a major problem. No matter how smart you are, no matter how great your conversations are, at the end of the day you're a man. You need physical attraction. I don't necessarily think there is some deep psychological link here. You're just not that physically attracted to her. Having sex with her should be building your self-esteem and deepening your love for her, not draining you. You stated that if she left you for another man you don't even know how if it would really bother you. That is a tell-tale sign for me.

 

I've been in a relationship like that before. I never got jealous; even when she flirted with another guy right in front of me. There was no deep reason for it. Just not a strong physical attraction.

 

The thing is you need both; and you deserve both...mental attraction and physical attraction. You're a man, no need to deny it. And no reason your sex life should be so deprived already. Healthy married couples make love quite often! If you want to try to salvage the relationship I would bring it up to her. You stated she wants to know what's taking so long with a marriage proposal. You (and her) deserve to at least try to bring it up and see if it helps before calling it quits. Do it through professional counseling if you want. Maybe tell her that you feel she has gotten to relaxed with her appearance and you don't feel the romance. That's a common problem with LT relationships.

 

2. You're in a transitional period. Rarely is that a good time for a man to get married. I have two years left in my program and there is pretty much no chance I would get married right now. Too many unknown variables. Not impossible, but no way I would do that unless I was highly attracted (in all dimensions) to the girl and she was extremely flexible.

 

3. Reiterate point 1...At the end of the day you've got to be physically attracted to her. You've got to tell her. If you don't, you're subconscious will find another way to drive her away. That's what happened to me. You're a nice guy. I can tell you are trying to find some rational reason to justify marriage to her. Problem is physical attraction is not something you can really change; you are either attracted or you are not. One thing I know is that as a man you have to have that.

 

I know what you mean about how you don't need a supermodel and you're not superficial. You can't control who you're physically attracted to. I have been highly physically attracted to women who would not be ranked 9s and 10s by a lot of men's standards, but for me they were incredibly beautiful. It's subjective so don't beat yourself up over it. I'm sure if there was a button you could push to make her beautiful in your eyes you would push it. It's obvious from the effort you're making her. Problem is there is no magic solution.

 

Good luck.

I agree with this post, except that I would suggest being very careful in how you discuss this topic with your fiance. If you do break up with her, it will be devastating enough without having been told your face is not attractive to me, or something to that effect. You are going to hurt her terribly if you say something akin to that or give her that impression. What may be unattractive to you, may not be so bad with the next guy, so don't trash her self esteem on your way out. There is nothing she can do about her face aside from plastic surgery, and of course, that should not be something put on the table for discussion. Let her down as gently as possible--this is going to hurt bad enough without trashing her self esteem about her appearance as well. I would suggest telling her you feel the need to take a step back from the relationship because you're just not feeling the strong connection like you think you should be feeling to someone you would be marrying, and you need some time apart.