happyme Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Hi there JustMe.... Have not read the entire thread but I do understand that you're struggling with a very important decision. I was wondering whether perhaps it could be that not believing you will find all you desire and like in one person may be something to keep you from comitting? As in fear of commitment. Also, although you are fully aware of your situation, time doesn't stand still and life has a habit of happily going on even while we are in a state of limbo. I think therapy is a good idea. I wish you all the very best in any case. HM Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Any updates? Link to post Share on other sites
Alexanda Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 Hi, did you ever make a decision about what to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 In my opinion, he met her: - she was fantastic - she was everything he wanted in a partner - however, they lacked sexual chemistry - they were perfect for one another, except he does not feel romantically for her. - because he enjoys her company so much, due to them both having so much to talk about and the fact they are so well matched, he HAS come to " love her" - when two people spend enough happy time together, a bond forms and it IS love: however, there is a different between platonic love and romantic love. - with platonic love, the non romantic type u feel for veery close friends and family.... u can STILL have sex with such people, it is possible to do this. - Look, I do not think the problem lies with the poster - he simply does not have romatic feelings of sexual chemistry with a girl, that he got close to ANY way, simply because she was perfect for him in every way. On the other hand, he has been with women who he HAS had sexual chemistry with, and felt romantically about. Turns out, these women were NOT a good match, for a long term relationship... HE KNOWS what romantic chemistry and romantic feelings feel like! He has FELT them, and he clearly states that he DOES NOT feel this way about his fiance.... to the OP - you definately need BOTH components, for a sucessful relationship. You need a women who: - is a good match - you have romantic " feelings" and sexual chemistry for You have dragged it out, because this lady was just such a wonderful person, and now u formed a bond and have invested a lot of time on her - hence it is hard to just give up, now that her feelings are heavily involved. You need to END IT ASAP. THIS women, this amazing women, deserves a man who DOES feel sexually attracted and passionate about her!! Your being really SELFISH! You are STOPPING HER from finding the man SHE DESERVES!!! She DESERVES a guy who is PASSIONATE about her, sexually and otherwise. This is not about just YOU! If you care to deaply about her, let her go and find a man who will feel sexually passionate about her, and see her as pretty!!!! Your stopping her from having true love!!!!!!!!!!! In future relationships, at least u have learnt that u need to find a great girl, who u also have romantic feelings for!!!!!!!!!!!!! Plz update us, I hope this girl is put out of her misery soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 It's equally amazing that you resurrected this thread just to make this grand observation. Especially considering that you've hardly ever posted in your long membership here. What moved you so? Link to post Share on other sites
selfimagewhore Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Not pretty enough - AskMen I have scoured the internet for advice in a similar situation as OP. Let me tell you it is highly unpleasant... Currently in therapy exploring the issues... My situation is different from OP's insofar as I took my frustrations out on my partner, kind of covert abusively, treated her as my therapist, and made life for both of us miserable in the situation. We both have self image issues, and in the end I withdrew from the relationship. There's no contact, from somebody I dated for 2 years and lived with for 3 months. Took a break, and it just confirmed the wildly fluctuating mood swings. I have a fear of loss of control, wanting to be validated by someone I find attractive liking me. I got into relationship looking for sex, and found a lot of chemistry with her. Also fears of not being libidinous enough for her voracious and experienced sexual appetite, she being in love with me, and me resenting "settling" with an amazing girl (on paper), who happens to have a lot of self image issues. A ****-ton of projective identification later, and the whole thing has bourne a lot of bitter fruit but I feel like facing the issues more directly. She helped me a lot, sorry I was such a dick. Nothing really was wrong with her but I FOUND it so. Unconsciously some things happening, depressed as a child, negative oedipal resolution (identifying with mother good, father bad, knowing full well of my maleness, therefore I=bad and to be repressed, and also protect mommy against bad daddy. The girlfriend also seems to carry negative oedipal resolution against mother, therefore is low self worth to please critical father, tomboyish, uncertain of approval and requires male input, phallic worship, eating disorder (control issues). That's over now...we broke up and there's no contact now. Fear of attractive women. It seems superficial, but denying that aspect of oneself and making it shadow, driving it unconscious will result in a deficient or wildly fluctuating sex drive. In-balance! You must accept and come to terms with shadow parts from early on in childhood family dynamic (hyper vigilant to abuse, therefore highly visually oriented, negative self image due to identification with the mask of the body carrying the pain of parental misunderstanding, rejection, shame, perceived ugliness, obsession with static image (safe), withdrawn from peers, choosing not to be the person one IS. Now getting more in touch, it's been a lifelong journey of self discovery to the point, I realize every emotion is valid. I don't want to repeat these patterns, and once the superficial is acknowledged and validated, one can move beyond it in self and other acceptance. I realize these issues are by no means identical with OP. He stated he would refuse to talk it over with fiancee because he knows it hurts the relationship to talk about it. (RED FLAG too!) I talked about it with my girlfriend and she understood me like no one else has EVER. It boils down for me mommy and daddy issues and distancing myself from women to find out who I really am. And not driving everything from a sexual P.O.V. Life, it's pretty amazing. Law of attraction holds true. Instead of condemning as superficial, accept the messages the unconscious is telling you. Anxiety is a bitch, but you really want to follow your dreams. This is from the perspective of somebody whose mental emotional health needs to be healed so he can look at others in love, instead of judgement. Peace y'all. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 What moved me is that this guy is trying to get some perspective on his situation and the feminazis along with their mangina slaves are bashing him. Oh my God, do you never tire of this? Does your intrigue or obsession with feminism and manginas need to infiltrate every single thread? Link to post Share on other sites
Miad's Princess Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Since you are overseas now, possibly you could "test the waters" with other women, have a few dates, (not being intiminate, but just going out on a date). Since you are not married, it could be OK under the circumstances. Your financee doesn't have to know. You seem like a real catch.... Not ! Link to post Share on other sites
Miad's Princess Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 OP you say you spoke to her on many occasions about your feelings and yes maybe at times it was hard to hear and for you to express, but what concerns me is that she never made an effort. If it was my partner expressing the same concern, I would start to make more effort with my appearance, she seems lazy IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Kuen Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 It really hard to break her heart but your feelings are not the same before try to let her go. Give each other some space to know each other feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
jorgie4 Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 I don’t think you should feel guilty or bad at all – you can’t help how you feel, but you CAN help what you do about it. It sounds to me that you are just trying to convince yourself that sex and physical attraction are not important – but they are, especially in a marriage. Surely without that, it is just a friendship? If I imagine myself in your girlfriend’s shoes, I would absolutely not want my b/f to be with me, let alone be marrying me, if he didn’t find me as attractive as other women. Or if he had ANY doubts. Not at all! I would think I deserved better. It sounds to me like you might just be trying to make it work in case you can’t find anyone better. And it also seems as thought you think being in this situation is better than being single. Why would you think such a thing? Personally, I would rather be single than ‘make do’. I really hope you manage to figure things out one way or another.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BamaBaby Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Sorry that you are so torn. I can tell that you are very caring and respectful of her, but shug... listen. Life is full of things that bring us down. Love should be different. Love should be that one place where we are solid and have that person who takes our breath away.. sure it may fade a bit during the years but life is too short to marry someone who you don't feel confident about! DO NOT marry her out of obligation. She deserves more and so do you. It will hurt like hell to break it off but I promise you that it will be better in the long run. It is SO much easier to get married than it is to get a divorce, believe me. And think, if you get married and have kids and then in 5 years decide you just can't do it anymore you will have brought innocent children into the mix. I am speaking from experience here. Marriage just isn't something you should do unless you are 100% all in! And even then premarital counseling should be something you go through! But all of your doubts lead to the same conclusion... don't go through with it. Best wishes! I hope that you find a solution. Link to post Share on other sites
MELKEDOODUM Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 I meant to say that physically she does not appeal to me the way other women do...not that she is totally unattractive. I also wanted to say that this is something I am ready to fight, to find a solution......my rational me tells me that sex is not crucial especially as one gets older.... Me and my finacee make love once in 14 days...maybe once in 3 weeks. This is probably not so bad though I feel she'd like to be loved more often. The truth is that when I was with women who attracted me physically, I would make love to them each day...sometimes even many times. Hence I feel there's this part of me that is much more restrained now..that it's not my natural self...that I need to say in the evening that I am tired when, in fact, I just don't feel like having sex. I am athletic, play sports almost each day and a lack of energy is not the real problem. ......but having less sex is probably also something that one has to deal with in a long-term relationship anyways? Probably many people feel that way? What makes me feel frustrated is that sometimes when I look at her facial features I don't find her attractive....it's not always so. But certain angles...certain time of the day....my fiancee doesn't care much about creams, beauty saloons, make-up....she never wears make-up. She doesn't look much after herself in this regard. And sometimes she just doesn't look pretty. When her hair is let loose (i.e. not a pony-tail) and washed, I like to look at her and find her pretty. But very often she ties it in a pony-tail and her hair doesn't look washed, healthy. I tried to suggest that we should put more effort into looking pretty for each other..but my message somehow didn't get across. I think that she simply doesn't know how I feel about these issues.... maybe also because feeling attracted to people by "looks" is in many ways extremeley superficial. That said I just can't help thinking about it...... If I knew how to block this out I would do it.....but I notice these things..... I am probaly naturally a very passionate person... does this make sense? I agree this post. Link to post Share on other sites
CarboniteCammy Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 Honestly, people on this forum have been pretty gentle with you. To me, you sound really self centered and superficial. Should you end it? Yeah, give her a chance to find someone worthy of her, 'cause you're not, really. She deserves to be loved by someone who finds her to be the most beautiful woman in the world. You obviously don't. I'm not sure what turns your crank in regards to how a woman looks, but you should give your self a chance to find that person who fufills you in every way. The way you feel for your fiancee is the way you feel towards a really good friend. My fiance has told me several times that I'm the most attractive person he's ever dated and he'll say with a silly grin that he's a "fool for me." I'm kind of an idiot for him, too, so it's mutual, but my point is that there's this mutual feeling of fitting together like puzzle pieces that you don't seem to have with this girl. Before me, he dated his best friend. She has some issues, but she is incredibly intelligent and she's alot more like him then I am mentally. But, physically, it just wasn't there for him. It was her hair, her face (he told me she looks like a dude), the way she's built, sex with her was horrible, the fact that she doesn't care about what she looks like, she's irresponsible in her personal life, etc etc. Did she feel that way about him? Nope. She was head over heels for him. Had NO idea he didn't feel the same about her. Finally, he realized it wasn't going to work and cut himself free. Then, he found me, and he's been smitten ever since. She was devestated and didn't come around for a long time. Really, I don't welcome her in my house, because of her life choices (mainly involving drugs and a very wild lifestyle), but I don't forbid him from seeing her. She dated several girls and then several boys and now seems to be moving past him. I don't wish her ill and I'm sorry he hurt her, but I'm glad that he dumped her so that he can I were able to find each other and fall in love. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 Wow, I swear some threads are just troll-magnets. Link to post Share on other sites
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