Broke NC (again)...But also discovered something else.

[TrueColors]

I guess this is just to vent, but here goes...

 

I was doing so well. Last time I had "looked" up info on the ex was around springtime this year. And I really thought I had kicked this habit.

 

Last week I managed to get myself dolled up to go to a gig I knew he would be at (along with his g/f). Managed to catch-up with a few acquaintances there, but didn't end up running into him or his g/f, so subsequently, ended up enjoying the night. Bit of an anti-climax to the whole anticipation of meeting him after over 18 months NC, but I guess the universe was sparing me some unpleasant feelings.

 

Now I know why.

 

After coming back from my first dinner date since the break-up and feeling good that it went well (another possible rebound situation from his POV, so I'm not letting myself go there again), I woke up the next morning feeling down again. Maybe it was because of the situation above, but I had a sudden urge to look at photos from the gig night (which I hadn't been too concerned about until then).

 

I was initially trying to find photos that one of my friends had been taking, but they weren't up yet. So I ended up looking through everyone else's uploaded onto Flickr. Sure enough I found what I had been looking for: evidence that he indeed was there. With his g/f. And the sick feeling that I had been dreading came upon me again.

 

I guess I was truly spared that day. If looking at photos online would trigger this reaction, then it would have been 10x worse IRL.

 

Strangely enough, I know why it's still hurting me after all this time. It's the fact that he's MOVED ON. And I haven't, at least not emotionally. Or physically. Not to mention the fact that I feel betrayed, since his g/f was already part of his social circle before we broke up.

 

Looking at them I noticed something as well: she seems to let him shine as he was more dressed up than she was (not saying she's plain by any means). When it was him and I, I think there was a power struggle between us that drove us apart.

 

Wow, I've never admitted that before. But I guess that's what over a year of therapy and self-examination does to you.

 

 

If any other LSs have broken NC this way, what did you feel? Had your feelings changed: were you able to see the "bigger picture" and look at things more rationally - or not?

 

It still hurts for me, but I know it's no longer about him anymore. It's about the emotional triggers and what "he" represents to me. i know that's the key to getting myself fully healed.

Edited November 6, 2011 by TrueColors

[betterdeal]

Lots of insight there - I like that! It's odd, the things that can trigger a wobble, an emotional response. But doesn't it feel good to know it's just that - just a frailty of the simple subconscious mind? Kind of like faulty wiring, that you can rewire over time by first identifying it then accepting it's just a mistake of the mind, not some cruel conspiracy of fate, the Universe or some deity playing games with you.

 

As I type this, I've noticed the sound of a clock ticking. My ex gave me a clock for the kitchen. First clock I've ever had, and the ticking was soothing, adding a texture to the passing of time as it were. When we broke up, that sound became a reminder of her. Each tick hurt. I threw that clock away. Now, several months later, I hear another clock and it sounds like a clock, tick tock, tick tock, just putting a little stamp on the passing of time, like clocks do. It doesn't grate, or prod or poke my mind like the sound of a clock did after the break up. I've dealt with that trigger.

 

Small, I know, but it's great to find these triggers and just deal with them, isn't it? Despite feeling bad from seeing those photos, you've identified something that was troublesome between you and him from them, and that's how we grow.

 

I started yoga in February this year. After several years neglecting (and abusing) my body, I was in no fit shape at all. Comparing where I was and the students at the front of the class was hysterical! But we all start from somewhere. Same goes for you moving on and him jumping into a relationship. Different horses for different courses. So keep taking your time, and enjoying it. Even the bitterest moments often have a sweet after taste.

[TrueColors]

Thanks BD. Yes, this is what I love about LS: the insights!

 

Thank you for sharing yours. Reminders definitely are useful as a gauge to see how much we've attached our own feelings to things or people. Your clock is an excellent example.

 

I hear you about the abusing health. I'm still doing that. And it's driving me crazy that I can't seem to find a way to motivate myself to do anything about it, no matter how much I "will" myself to take care of myself better.

[betterdeal]

I still have a long way to go on the health front, but I've started the journey and am some way down that path now. What are the specifics for you? What is it you do that's bad for your health?

[davesterr]

after about a month of not hearing or seeing my ex at all completely i still struggled everyday but in a way i had given up all hope of ever coming back together.

i knew she has a bf online which still hurts cuz thats how we first met.

and i still thought of her alot and even cried sometimes but i was ok.

 

so yesterday i decided to go to her facebook.

not to check her pictures, not to message her but to simply see if she was still alive.

stupid huh? ofcourse shes alive but for some reason i just wanted to know.

maybe the curiocity of her mentioning me even though i knew such thing couldn't exist. maybe it was just to see something else.

who knows.

 

anyways when i did go on her facebook, i saw that she did post new statusses.

i didn't snoop long enough to find dirt that hurt me.

but just knowing that she was alive was painful enough.

in a way it reminded me: we're not together.

she has a bf. and she's going to be with a guy in reallife and sleep with who knows who, which for me hurts alot since we're both virgins and i always thought to lose it to eachother since i was in love with her.

 

anyways not to dwell on the past.

long story short, it just brought back all the reasons and pain and everything.

where as before, she simply stopt existing besides a fading memory in my mind.

now seeing her updating her statusses ment she was reality and real.

and so the pain became more real aswel.

it really sucked but then again im glad i didn't look long enough to emotionally break myself again.

i see it as a real stupid thing i did but then again i now know why i avoided her in the first place.

 

seeing, hearing, finding out about or talking to your ex is like taking a knife and cutting in your own wounds.

it's already bleeding but you try to let it heal so a scar can form.

however everytime u see her u cut ur wound, making it bigger and bleed more untill ur back where u were feeling so hurt that it feels like u need the entire ER to stop u from dieing.

 

i am sorry to hear about what u went through though.

it mostly occurs on days that we feel a bit better that we become more brave and are like: u know what? i feel strong enough and im ready to look up what my ex has been doing, even just for a little.

but under no circumstances ever can u do that unless ur completely over ur ex.

and truthfully, i dont think ul ever completely over ur ex unless u found a new love who u love more which is really rare.

or whether u haven't though about ur ex for the last 3 years for a single day and ur in a different position in life and actually happy.

for me both of those won't happen anytime soon even if,

but hopefully for everyone else out there it will happen.

 

just learn from ur mistakes.

u cut ur own wound open again, and u memorised how it felt.

now u just gotta stop doing it and try to let it heal.

[TrueColors]

What are the specifics for you? What is it you do that's bad for your health?

 

Gosh, where do I begin?

 

I live the typical Single Girl in the City lifestyle. I hate cooking and always seem to end up snacking or on takeaways. Occasionally I'll have a simple but freshly cooked meal. Otherwise it's shop-bought stuff.

 

I'm totally not excersising as much as I should be, even though I do ballet, but that's like once a week and so I barely break out in a sweat.

 

The thing is, I used to be so good at maintaining a healthy regime: I was a dedicated gym-bunny for a couple of years. Now it just bores me. As for cooking, even though I used to experiment with recipes, I'm just lke, "meh". I get no enjoyment out of spending time in my kitchen, probably cos it's tiny and isn't so well equipped - or stocked for that matter!

 

anyways when i did go on her facebook, i saw that she did post new statusses.

i didn't snoop long enough to find dirt that hurt me.

but just knowing that she was alive was painful enough.

in a way it reminded me: we're not together.

she has a bf. and she's going to be with a guy in reallife and sleep with who knows who, which for me hurts alot since we're both virgins and i always thought to lose it to eachother since i was in love with her.

 

it just brought back all the reasons and pain and everything.

where as before, she simply stopt existing besides a fading memory in my mind.

now seeing her updating her statusses ment she was reality and real.

and so the pain became more real aswel.

 

seeing, hearing, finding out about or talking to your ex is like taking a knife and cutting in your own wounds.

it's already bleeding but you try to let it heal so a scar can form.

however everytime u see her u cut ur wound, making it bigger and bleed more untill ur back where u were feeling so hurt that it feels like u need the entire ER to stop u from dieing.

 

just learn from ur mistakes.

u cut ur own wound open again, and u memorised how it felt.

now u just gotta stop doing it and try to let it heal.

 

Davesterr,

 

Thanks for sharing your experiences.

 

Yes, this is exactly it.

 

I guess I keep morbidly wanting to "test" myself to see how far (or not) I've come.

 

Crazy, I know. Especially when I KNOW I feel much better when I'm totally oblivious to his life.

 

But like I said, he (and her) are only the triggers for some deeper issue within myself. I know I suffer from abandonment issues and the fact that I had lost a sense of "belonging" as I've been alone for most of my life.

 

In my case, he had blocked his FB profile from me pretty much straight after the split. However, what's worse is I actually snooped on the g/f's page instead (she left it on "Public"). How dumb of me. Luckily, I haven't been down that road for months. I know I'm definitely not going there again, so I suppose I've learnt somewhat.

[neghitzbrah]

I've repeatedly broke NC. Only because I would respond to her when she called, texted, etc. It's funny how I used to be so strong in ignoring her or keeping her out. Every time I let her in, we get all emotional with each other only for her to say "no" to me when I propose getting back together. Probably because she is with someone right now.

 

Anyways, I figured that everytime I talk to her again, I get closer and closer to getting back with her. Last time I talked to her, she cheated on her boyfriend. What a let down. We did it and yet she still decided to call him back after we did it. I thought that was it, but still, I think about her and I miss our relationship.

 

The problem is is that I don't miss her. I miss the relationship. I miss having someone there. Especially that someone who was extremely gorgeous. I know this is a fact because:

 

1) I miss the sex whenever I wanted.

2) I miss the moments with each other.

3) I miss holding someone while watching a movie.

4) I miss seeing a cute girl being worried and insecure about someone so stupid. Then I miss making her feel good and saying that there's nothing to worry about.

 

The list is endless. But when I talk to her, it is sort of gone. I don't want it with her, I want it with someone else. But being impatient sucks...

[betterdeal]

Gosh, where do I begin?

 

I live the typical Single Girl in the City lifestyle. I hate cooking and always seem to end up snacking or on takeaways. Occasionally I'll have a simple but freshly cooked meal. Otherwise it's shop-bought stuff.

 

I'm totally not excersising as much as I should be, even though I do ballet, but that's like once a week and so I barely break out in a sweat.

 

The thing is, I used to be so good at maintaining a healthy regime: I was a dedicated gym-bunny for a couple of years. Now it just bores me. As for cooking, even though I used to experiment with recipes, I'm just lke, "meh". I get no enjoyment out of spending time in my kitchen, probably cos it's tiny and isn't so well equipped - or stocked for that matter!

 

I getcha. You know what needs to be done

 

Cooking is therapeutic to me. Even a simple dish like salmon and dill penne is filling and satisfying to make. To see what I hewn with my own hands brings me great satisfaction!

 

As for exercise, maybe group exercise instead of gym would be more fun. Martial arts, yoga, spin, boxercise.

 

I guess it's all about finding things to do that you enjoy.

[TrueColors]

The problem is is that I don't miss her. I miss the relationship. I miss having someone there. Especially that someone who was extremely gorgeous. I know this is a fact because:

 

1) I miss the sex whenever I wanted.

2) I miss the moments with each other.

3) I miss holding someone while watching a movie.

4) I miss seeing a cute girl being worried and insecure about someone so stupid. Then I miss making her feel good and saying that there's nothing to worry about.

 

The list is endless. But when I talk to her, it is sort of gone. I don't want it with her, I want it with someone else. But being impatient sucks...

 

I totally hear ya there!

 

Yes, I miss the "dream" too. Sadly it was all an illusion. I like to think of our time together as the "transition relationship" with him being the "epiphany" partner: the one who opened up my eyes to what I really want - sadly that it wasn't with him (or him with me either).

 

Part of me wishes he could see how much I've changed, you know, "still the same but "different". I know I could never take him back even if I had the chance because he won't have been through what I've been through.

 

He needs to learn and if he never does, it was never meant to be (with me).

[TrueColors]

I getcha. You know what needs to be done

 

Cooking is therapeutic to me. Even a simple dish like salmon and dill penne is filling and satisfying to make. To see what I hewn with my own hands brings me great satisfaction!

 

As for exercise, maybe group exercise instead of gym would be more fun. Martial arts, yoga, spin, boxercise.

 

I guess it's all about finding things to do that you enjoy.

 

Ha, I've always known. It's just getting my ass in there and doing it!

 

I have enough to keep me busy on the dance front (I'm studying movement part-time), so I know what I like and enjoy. I much prefer dancing around my front room than aerobics though!

(Btw, the ex said the same thing about cooking as well as some other friends: that it's therapeutic. If I have music on, then I can see why, but otherwise it just makes me impatient!)