Am I being jealous for no reason?

[OldManWinter]

I posted this thread over in the general dating forum but then saw this jealousy subforum so I posted it here too.

 

So I've been dating this girl that is in the same college as me for a couple months now. We're both juniors and quite busy. I had a talk with her the other day to see where exactly we wanted our relationship to go. We both expressed that we really like each other, but decided to give it more time before making it official due to our busy schedules. We also both expressed our desire for the other person to not be dating other people, and that we were to be only seeing each other. After having this talk which I was very pleased with the outcome, I saw a post of hers on another guys wall that I couldn't ignore. Its a guy at our school that is not in our classes that I know she met only a week or so ago. He also lives in dorms that are pretty close to hers. He posted something on her wall about skiing and she responded on his wall saying that she does ski and inquired as to where he normally skis. He then responded on his wall saying "I'm going skiing tomorrow come on up!" She was working that day and didn't even see the post til late at night when she got home. She then responded saying "sorry I was busy today and didn't see this but next time hopefully I can go! You live near me right? That would be convenient for carpooling!" She did not delete the stories from her wall which showed that she was posting on his, so she apparently is not trying to hide anything.

 

I know there's no way better way to drive a girl into another guy's arms than to be whiny and jealous so I am reluctant to bring this up to her, especially since we aren't official. I would not want to ruin what we have by making her think I am some jealous, possessive guy. At the same time, I don't want to look like a fool down the road by not picking up on the warning signs, if she ends up seeing some other guy and ditches me. I've been stressed a bit about school lately so I feel like I may be letting this get to me and over reacting to what I saw, or not. I mean, we had a talk that same day and she expressed she really liked me and she definitely seemed genuine. What do you guys think, is there a legitimate concern here or am I just being overly jealous?

[KathyM]

I posted this thread over in the general dating forum but then saw this jealousy subforum so I posted it here too.

 

So I've been dating this girl that is in the same college as me for a couple months now. We're both juniors and quite busy. I had a talk with her the other day to see where exactly we wanted our relationship to go. We both expressed that we really like each other, but decided to give it more time before making it official due to our busy schedules. We also both expressed our desire for the other person to not be dating other people, and that we were to be only seeing each other. After having this talk which I was very pleased with the outcome, I saw a post of hers on another guys wall that I couldn't ignore. Its a guy at our school that is not in our classes that I know she met only a week or so ago. He also lives in dorms that are pretty close to hers. He posted something on her wall about skiing and she responded on his wall saying that she does ski and inquired as to where he normally skis. He then responded on his wall saying "I'm going skiing tomorrow come on up!" She was working that day and didn't even see the post til late at night when she got home. She then responded saying "sorry I was busy today and didn't see this but next time hopefully I can go! You live near me right? That would be convenient for carpooling!" She did not delete the stories from her wall which showed that she was posting on his, so she apparently is not trying to hide anything.

 

I know there's no way better way to drive a girl into another guy's arms than to be whiny and jealous so I am reluctant to bring this up to her, especially since we aren't official. I would not want to ruin what we have by making her think I am some jealous, possessive guy. At the same time, I don't want to look like a fool down the road by not picking up on the warning signs, if she ends up seeing some other guy and ditches me. I've been stressed a bit about school lately so I feel like I may be letting this get to me and over reacting to what I saw, or not. I mean, we had a talk that same day and she expressed she really liked me and she definitely seemed genuine. What do you guys think, is there a legitimate concern here or am I just being overly jealous?

The problem is, some people consider going out with other guys while in a relationship to be "friendships", and they feel entitled to do that and justify doing that by labeling them as friendships. You have reason to be concerned. I would suggest tactfully setting some boundaries and clarifying the boundaries. You could say something along the lines of "I'm not sure we're on the same page about dating others. I was under the impression that we were going to be exclusive and not date others, so I'm wondering why your fb shows that you were interested in going skiing with this other guy. If you feel you're not ready to be exclusive, let me know. I just want to know where we stand." That would be my suggestion. You are not overreacting, you are just asking to clarify the status of your relationship, since you both don't seem to have the same concept of what it means to be exclusive.

[CupcakeCrisis]

She met the guy about a week ago and already going out skiing and carpooling together are coming up? That's a definite red flag. I'm also a little perplexed about the "we're busy, so let's not be official" conversation you're both having. You're expecting exclusivity - so essentially you're officially in everything but name, am I correct? That lack of clarification - definitively saying you're exclusive - is probably what's making her think that some of the stuff she's doing is OK.

 

Other than that, KathyM has it dead on the head. See how she views this. You may find that you both view 'friendships' with the opposite sex differently. While you're at it, this is probably a good time to find out how she views contact with exes and what else she views as taboo with the opposite sex in relationships. This can save you a great deal of heartbreak down the line - you can either part ways if you disagree, or if the situation comes up, you will be prepared for it.

[mike111]

OldManWinter, I would say "trust your gut". If you believe you are going to get stepped on, then you probably are. When you meet the right woman, there will be NO DOUBT about it. She won't be wanting to take off skiing with some other guy without asking you to go along as well.

 

Anyway, with all you have on your plate (school etc.) you may not need the extra load of a relationship that could leave you devastated. If it were me in your shoes, I would consider calling the relationship quits and just get on with the school work. Just a few thoughts.