My boyfreind has a child with someone else and it is getting to me more than ever

[sarah1987]

Hi all,

first of all i will try and keep this as short as possible but it is a bit of a long one, i would like some genuine advice please.

 

I got with my boyfreind in febuary 2010, in the august 2009 before me, he had met up with a women on two occasions, anyway it didnt work out and he decided not to see her again as she told him she had slept with someone else in the same week as him!! anyway a few weeks later he got the text saying she was pregnant, so of course he said he would pay for a DNA test, anyway throughout the pregnancy she gave him abuse for not being there etc, when of course why would he? he didnt no if the baby was his? Anyway when i met him he told me of the case and to be honest i just hoped the baby wasnt his,although i do have a 7 year old boy myself from a previous relationship. Anyway he paid for dna as soon as baby was born and it turned out to be his, he totally stood up to the mark and has been a fantastic father to his son who is now 18 months old. Always has him twice a week on his days off etc and pays maintenance. anyway i forgot to mention that in the meantime when she was about 8 months pregnant, i fell pregnant with his baby but we decided to have a abortion as we didnt no if this other baby was his or not at the time. that wasnt nice for me i felt like someone else who barely nos him was possibly carrying his son and mine had to be taken away because of her. anyway since the baby (jamie) has been born she has caused so much trouble, first of all my partner never had a say in the name and his son hant even got his surname! she texts him most days about random stuff that doesnt even matter or may not be anything to do with his son, at first my partner use to reply now he just ignores, but i cant just before christmas last year she asked him to get with her for the boys sake, she kicked up a fuss saying we werent allowed to have his son overnight he had to stay at her house, she came to her senses in the end but she put herself in this situation, i think she expected him to get with her once he found out he was his, he has even agreed, for the first 6 months of his life my partner hung around with her just to see his son as she wouldnt let him see him alone, which is fair enough at that age, but not now, she wants family days out etc with him, im finding it extra hard right now as me and my partner decided to come off birth contol and see what happens anyway, i had a ectopic pregnancy, i feel down as ever and now i hate her even more, everytime his phone gos i comment, or even pick it up, i hate the fact she has his son i feel i should have that, i no i sound pathetic but its how i feel, my partner has done nothing suspious at all towards her and i no he loves me with all his heart and i do him, as aprat from all this we have a great relationship we have just got a house together. but it is grinding me down, and most of all im scared of resenting his son as he grows up, he is a lovely little boy and i no none of it is his fault, but my jealousy seems to be getting worse, i throw sarcy comments at my partner most days. if theres anything else you need to ask please do, just want some freindly advice, thankyou for taking time to read my essay lol xxx

[RiverRunning]

You didn't have to give up your baby - you and your partner willfully chose to go through an abortion. That's an important distinction. And frankly, I think that going off of birth control in such a young and turbulent relationship is a horrible idea. You want a son with this man - to get over your jealousy of this woman and the child that they share together? This is one of the worst possible reasons to bring a kid into the world. It is natural to feel that way, but to act on it is another thing.

 

It sounds like his ex likes to meddle and she likes to dictate a lot of the rules about when/if he gets to see his kid. Is there a custody order? If yes/if not, he either needs to get the current custody order revised or he needs to go and get one enforced. In almost every state, he will legally have the right to see his son for overnight visits and the like.

 

Honestly, it sounds like a bad and meddlesome situation that's probably not going to improve with time. In any case, how long are you willing to suffer while this woman tries to interfere? It doesn't sound like she's been out of the picture that long, and for being together for roughly a year with this guy, you're already making some risky decisions by sharing a household.

 

My honest feeling is that it's time to go unless he's willing to set some strict boundaries with the ex. That means getting a custody agreement. That means talking ONLY about the child - and not entertaining any of her games. That means having set times to call and contact one another. She shouldn't be calling him every day. The only excuse for this is when he actually has the child, and of course a few times a week for him to call her when she has his son. But other than that, without these boundaries, you are always going to feel like the third wheel in your own relationship.

[sarah1987]

thankyou very much for your reply, that certainly gives me a lot to be thinking about, well i have been with him 2 years in febuary. i am happy with the relationship other than this, which is why i want to solve it, i did not a nd do not want a baby with my partner because she has that though i see why you thought that but it is not the case, i love my partner and want to spend my life with him thats why, but maybe i should reconsider before doing that again.

[in_absentia]

My honest feeling is that it's time to go unless he's willing to set some strict boundaries with the ex. That means getting a custody agreement. That means talking ONLY about the child - and not entertaining any of her games. That means having set times to call and contact one another. She shouldn't be calling him every day. The only excuse for this is when he actually has the child, and of course a few times a week for him to call her when she has his son. But other than that, without these boundaries, you are always going to feel like the third wheel in your own relationship.

 

You know I'd be jealous in this situation too (I wouldn't date someone seriously who already had a child,I don't think I could handle it) but this strikes me as strange. Is there any chance that your partner is just trying to build a friendship with the mother of his child? Sure, you may not like it, and I understand that but maybe you can handle it more if you understand why he's doing it. They're going to be in each other's lives for the rest of their life due to the child, it makes sense to be pally to make things easier and especially savvy for a dad as the woman usually has the most rights and the ability to make things v difficult for him when he wants to see Jamie.

[Space Ritual]

Hi all,

first of all i will try and keep this as short as possible but it is a bit of a long one, i would like some genuine advice please.

 

I got with my boyfreind in febuary 2010, in the august 2009 before me, he had met up with a women on two occasions, anyway it didnt work out and he decided not to see her again as she told him she had slept with someone else in the same week as him!! anyway a few weeks later he got the text saying she was pregnant, so of course he said he would pay for a DNA test, anyway throughout the pregnancy she gave him abuse for not being there etc, when of course why would he? he didnt no if the baby was his? Anyway when i met him he told me of the case and to be honest i just hoped the baby wasnt his,although i do have a 7 year old boy myself from a previous relationship. Anyway he paid for dna as soon as baby was born and it turned out to be his, he totally stood up to the mark and has been a fantastic father to his son who is now 18 months old. Always has him twice a week on his days off etc and pays maintenance. anyway i forgot to mention that in the meantime when she was about 8 months pregnant, i fell pregnant with his baby but we decided to have a abortion as we didnt no if this other baby was his or not at the time. that wasnt nice for me i felt like someone else who barely nos him was possibly carrying his son and mine had to be taken away because of her. anyway since the baby (jamie) has been born she has caused so much trouble, first of all my partner never had a say in the name and his son hant even got his surname! she texts him most days about random stuff that doesnt even matter or may not be anything to do with his son, at first my partner use to reply now he just ignores, but i cant just before christmas last year she asked him to get with her for the boys sake, she kicked up a fuss saying we werent allowed to have his son overnight he had to stay at her house, she came to her senses in the end but she put herself in this situation, i think she expected him to get with her once he found out he was his, he has even agreed, for the first 6 months of his life my partner hung around with her just to see his son as she wouldnt let him see him alone, which is fair enough at that age, but not now, she wants family days out etc with him, im finding it extra hard right now as me and my partner decided to come off birth contol and see what happens anyway, i had a ectopic pregnancy, i feel down as ever and now i hate her even more, everytime his phone gos i comment, or even pick it up, i hate the fact she has his son i feel i should have that, i no i sound pathetic but its how i feel, my partner has done nothing suspious at all towards her and i no he loves me with all his heart and i do him, as aprat from all this we have a great relationship we have just got a house together. but it is grinding me down, and most of all im scared of resenting his son as he grows up, he is a lovely little boy and i no none of it is his fault, but my jealousy seems to be getting worse, i throw sarcy comments at my partner most days. if theres anything else you need to ask please do, just want some freindly advice, thankyou for taking time to read my essay lol xxx

 

Sarah,

 

I am sure by now you are aware that regardless of your relationship with this young man that the fact he has a son means that you will always take a backseat as long as you are in this relationship. Its not right or wrong...it just is what it is. If it gets any more serious you do also realize that you will deal with this for the next 18 years right? You have to understand the mother of his child will ALWAYS want her child to have a complete family. And that means also that she will always be around.

 

I know this may sound bad, or something you don't want to hear, but I think you are in a no-win situation any way you slice it. Your resentment over having an abortion will continue to grow. and every time your Boyfriend changes plans to spend time with his child, over time you will come to resent that even more than you do now.

 

As long as you have no children with this guy, you have a golden opportunity to move forward with your life without the constraints of having to consider someone else's child. I am not saying that to be mean, but I guarantee that they were doing more than "hanging out". Its easy to pull at somebody's heartstrings when there is a child involved(especially one that is not yours...you will always come up with the **** end of the stick.)

 

Time to think about YOU...and that means moving on.