Finding girlfriend's body a turn off one year into dating.Honeymoon period worn off?

[ShannonMI]

"Happiness" does not = "healthy".

 

The former is more subjective and perception based, and while it can positively benefit the latter and help it along with "reality", the latter can exist a part from it for better and for worse.

 

EVEN if her "whole family" is also just as thin or even thinner..........................

 

That doesn't mean she is healthy, nor that they are.

 

I do not know what you mean by "hardly eats" anything --- it could be sufficient enough. But really..... 90lbs at 5'6" seems quite scary, and with how you've described her proportions --- I think it rather illustrates a health concern...

 

I still think... especially unless she HAS already been examined/assessed, it's better safe than sorry and if it doesn't really matter anyway, it's worth ruling out, mm? I know I would encourage anyone I cared about to........

She probably looks like a walking skeleton. Not healthy and not sexy. No wonder you don't find her attractive. Not many men would. I feel bad for her because since her family acts and looks that way, she probably doesn't know any better. She needs help.

[OnyxSnowfall]

She probably looks like a walking skeleton. Not healthy and not sexy. No wonder you don't find her attractive. Not many men would. I feel bad for her because since her family acts and looks that way, she probably doesn't know any better. She needs help.

 

Yeah totally.

[MaxNoob]

Yeh I know I've got to end things but I don't know what to say, nothing else is 'wrong' with the relationship.

smug.bunny - your weight sounds pretty healthy to me. My girlfriend is the same height as you and only 90lbs - way too thin in my opinion.

 

That's a BMI of 14.5 which is dangerous. A BMI below 20 is associated with an increased risk of mortality. With a BMI that low, the body is just not getting enough calories and is metabolizing muscle to stay alive. If you just tell her that you don`t love her anymore without telling her the truth, that could exacerbate her situation. She could think you`re leaving her because she`s too fat.

[carhill]

90lbs at 5'6" seems quite scary, and with how you've described her proportions --- I think it rather illustrates a health concern...

Yeah, as a personal health issue, I think it bears scrutiny. As a visual reference, I include a lovely lady whom I enjoyed listening to as a young man, Karen Carpenter, who ultimately passed away due to complications of her eating disorder. She was 5'4" and reportedly got as low as 80lbs at some points, though I don't recall seeing obvious signs when she was performing, probably because of good constuming.

 

OTOH, my best female friend of many years was the same height and hovered around 100lbs and presented very noticeable curves and she was actually quite athletic. Perhaps her Asian genetics had something to do with that, IDK.

 

If the OP can't approach the issue from the standpoint of attraction, perhaps then one of care and concern as a friend. Good friends are hard to find

[joshuaguy]

She doesn't look like the stereotypical anorxic in the face - she doesn't have a thin face with dark circles around her eyes or anything like that - it's just her body.

 

She thinks I love her and I think I may have felt somethingm though not love, at some point, strangely probably lust...

 

I am 'thinking about' moving in with her this weekend andwe'llmeet and talk about it tomorrow. She has said she doesn't want to pressure me and is OK if I don't want to. I just have to tell her that I don't want to get serious with her but after one year it's going to sound pretty lame.

[ShannonMI]

Yeah, as a personal health issue, I think it bears scrutiny. As a visual reference, I include a lovely lady whom I enjoyed listening to as a young man, Karen Carpenter, who ultimately passed away due to complications of her eating disorder. She was 5'4" and reportedly got as low as 80lbs at some points, though I don't recall seeing obvious signs when she was performing, probably because of good constuming.

 

OTOH, my best female friend of many years was the same height and hovered around 100lbs and presented very noticeable curves and she was actually quite athletic. Perhaps her Asian genetics had something to do with that, IDK.

 

If the OP can't approach the issue from the standpoint of attraction, perhaps then one of care and concern as a friend. Good friends are hard to find

I remember seeing pictures of Karen Carpenter and she was literally a walking skeleton. Not always, but toward the end she was. So tragic. Anorexia is a serious illness. It sounds like this girl definitely has an eating disorder.

[joshuaguy]

That's a BMI of 14.5 which is dangerous. A BMI below 20 is associated with an increased risk of mortality. With a BMI that low, the body is just not getting enough calories and is metabolizing muscle to stay alive. If you just tell her that you don`t love her anymore without telling her the truth, that could exacerbate her situation. She could think you`re leaving her because she`s too fat.

 

 

Good advice thank you.

I may state the facts regarding BMI etc. I do care about her.

[ShannonMI]

She doesn't look like the stereotypical anorxic in the face - she doesn't have a thin face with dark circles around her eyes or anything like that - it's just her body.

 

She thinks I love her and I think I may have felt somethingm though not love, at some point, strangely probably lust...

 

I am 'thinking about' moving in with her this weekend andwe'llmeet and talk about it tomorrow. She has said she doesn't want to pressure me and is OK if I don't want to. I just have to tell her that I don't want to get serious with her but after one year it's going to sound pretty lame.

Who cares if it sounds lame. It's better then telling her the truth which is she turns you off physically. That would hurt her feelings. If you want out, you need to just end it. Grow a pair and do it.

[joshuaguy]

Well this is what she noramlly eats when we spend the day together

 

Breakfast - ususally bread or toast and coffee

 

Snack - muffin or oatmeal bar

 

Lunch - salad, chicken, chocolate bar

 

Dinner - as above

 

A reasonable diet - she doesn't eat fruit though or veg nomally and, no , she doesn't go off to the bathroom straight after she's eaten. Maybe when we're not together she doesn't eat a thing....

[ShannonMI]

Good advice thank you.

I may state the facts regarding BMI etc. I do care about her.

Do you think telling her the truth will do her good? I think it would hurt her feelings. Is the fact she's too skinny the reason you aren't attracted to her or is there another physical reason? You can tell her you care about her and are concerned for her health, but if you aren't happy, you need to end things.

[ShannonMI]

Well this is what she noramlly eats when we spend the day together

 

Breakfast - ususally bread or toast and coffee

 

Snack - muffin or oatmeal bar

 

Lunch - salad, chicken, chocolate bar

 

Dinner - as above

 

A reasonable diet - she doesn't eat fruit though or veg nomally and, no , she doesn't go off to the bathroom straight after she's eaten. Maybe when we're not together she doesn't eat a thing....

Her dinner is what? It doesn't sound like she's getting enough calories. Is she exercising too?

[ShannonMI]

Well this is what she noramlly eats when we spend the day together

 

Breakfast - ususally bread or toast and coffee

 

Snack - muffin or oatmeal bar

 

Lunch - salad, chicken, chocolate bar

 

Dinner - as above

 

A reasonable diet - she doesn't eat fruit though or veg nomally and, no , she doesn't go off to the bathroom straight after she's eaten. Maybe when we're not together she doesn't eat a thing....

Her dinner is what? It doesn't sound like she's getting enough calories. Is she exercising too? And this would be a great diet for an obese person that needs to lose weight, not a 90lbs girl.

[joshuaguy]

Do you think telling her the truth will do her good? I think it would hurt her feelings. Is the fact she's too skinny the reason you aren't attracted to her or is there another physical reason? You can tell her you care about her and are concerned for her health, but if you aren't happy, you need to end things.

 

 

Yeh I'm not attracted to her physically any more. I am a healthy guy, I run long distance and swim every day. To me, she looks unfemine and unhealthy. She's also flat chested and I think that even if she puts on weight she will stay that way.

 

Compatible? No, not really, we get on but sometimes it's a struggle due to the fact that she doesn't like going for walks and stuff.

 

I will definately tell her my concerns over her weight. I AM worried she may respond to us breaking up by eating less.

[Nexus One]

A female needs 1500 calories per day to stay at her weight. If she eats less calories than 1500 she will lose weight, if she eats more calories than 1500 she will gain weight. If she's active she needs a bit more.

 

To be honest, from what I'm reading, she's not getting in 1500 calories per day. At her weight, her body has consumed part of her muscles to maintain bodily functions like a heart rate. I'm not kidding, without fat or sufficient calorie intake the body starts to consume muscle tissue.

[joshuaguy]

I have to go out now but I will break things off with her tomorrow and let you know how it goes.

Thanks for all your advice

JG

[ShannonMI]

Yeh I'm not attracted to her physically any more. I am a healthy guy, I run long distance and swim every day. To me, she looks unfemine and unhealthy. She's also flat chested and I think that even if she puts on weight she will stay that way.

 

Compatible? No, not really, we get on but sometimes it's a struggle due to the fact that she doesn't like going for walks and stuff.

 

I will definately tell her my concerns over her weight. I AM worried she may respond to us breaking up by eating less.

She may respond by losing her apetite and God forbid losing more weight. I know I did when I broke up with my boyfriend, but you can't stay in a relationship when you aren't happy. You have to think about yourself in this situation. You DO care about her and her well being, but what about your well being? I think you should break up with her, but let her down easy. Don't tell her she turns you off.

[norajane]

Compatible? No, not really, we get on but sometimes it's a struggle due to the fact that she doesn't like going for walks and stuff.

 

I will definately tell her my concerns over her weight. I AM worried she may respond to us breaking up by eating less.

 

She probably has no energy to go for walks or do any running. She's not eating enough.

 

But, there's your out, so that you don't have to say you aren't attracted to her physically. You can tell her that you don't see this relationship as working out long term because you aren't compatible...you really want to be physically active with a gf who wants to join you in those activities.

 

But, I agree that you should tell her you are concerned about her being an unhealthy weight. If her whole family eats little, she likely won't believe that there is anything wrong. But you have to try.

[Nexus One]

I have to go out now but I will break things off with her tomorrow and let you know how it goes.

Thanks for all your advice

JG

 

Even if you break it off though, just make sure that you'll check up on her well being every now and then.

[ShannonMI]

Even if you break it off though, just make sure that you'll check up on her well being every now and then.

Well I don't know if that would be wise. My ex tried that with me and it did nothing but annoy the f*ck out of me. I had to change my number because of it. When things are over, they're OVER. That's my philosophy. There is no "lets stay in touch and be buddies." Other people are different, but in my opinion a clean break is for the best. It helps both parties move on.

 

Yes he cares about her. My ex did too, but it's for the best to let it go. Completely. Voice your concerns when you break up with her and that's it.

[Nexus One]

Well I don't know if that would be wise. My ex tried that with me and it did nothing but annoy the f*ck out of me. I had to change my number because of it. When things are over, they're OVER. That's my philosophy. There is no "lets stay in touch and be buddies." Other people are different, but in my opinion a clean break is for the best. It helps both parties move on.

 

Yes he cares about her. My ex did too, but it's for the best to let it go. Completely. Voice your concerns when you break up with her and that's it.

 

What I meant was that he can ask people who know her how she's doing. I'm not saying he should keep bugging her, I'm saying he should keep in the back of his mind that she might develop health problems due to an eating disorder.

[snug.bunny]

Yeh I know I've got to end things but I don't know what to say, nothing else is 'wrong' with the relationship.

smug.bunny - your weight sounds pretty healthy to me. My girlfriend is the same height as you and only 90lbs - way too thin in my opinion.

 

She is 5 foot 6 inches and weighs 90lbs? That is a 14.5 BMI, she is dangerously underweight. How is she even alive at this point?

[Nexus One]

She is 5 foot 6 inches and weighs 90lbs? That is a 14.5 BMI, she is dangerously underweight. How is she even alive at this point?

 

Her body probably has consumed muscle tissue to keep itself alive.

 

But like I said, he's the one right now that is aware of a possible issue regarding her health, because he is closest to her. That's why I think he should check up on her. Not to bug her, but to make sure it's not getting completely out of hand and life threatening and perhaps that's already the case. Or he could inform her parents about his concerns and leave it up to them.

[snug.bunny]

Her body probably has consumed muscle tissue to keep itself alive.

 

But like I said, he's the one right now that is aware of a possible issue regarding her health, because he is closest to her. That's why I think he should check up on her. Not to bug her, but to make sure it's not getting completely out of hand and life threatening and perhaps that's already the case. Or he could inform her parents about his concerns and leave it up to them.

 

Oh.

 

I just wasn't sure how a person could survive that long being at a 14.5 BMI, but what you said makes sense.

[dasein]

BMI is a broad index, designed to measure population trends, not individual health, it's a blunt instrument. For example, BMI ironically judges the healthiest people, athletes and those with extra muscle mass from exercise, as overweight or even obese. It's not necessarily the case that she is unhealthy in addition to being thin. She could have a genetically small skeleton, naturally low fat retention, a classic ectomorph. OP gives no indication of her having eating disorder, just being very thin. She doesn't eat many calories true, but healthy people all over the world eat much fewer calories daily than we in the U.S. do and are just fine. There is one life extension viewpoint that eating fewer calories in the diet overall extends lifespan.

 

This is simply a mismatch, OP I wouldn't bring up the health concerns AT ALL, just make a clean break and move on. The fell out of love explanation is the best rather than adding physical complaints to that. Be kind to her and good luck.