26-year old man

[rginla]

Matt is a 26 year old man who is in a mess. He does not know how to look after himself. He can't clean, cook, or dress properly. His diet is horrible. He is physically unfit and despite being of good health naturally, he cannot walk very far or engage in exercise due to his personal self-neglect. He occasionally has a job, but this is rare. He binge-drinks regularly. He smokes. He has no friends and finds it impossible to make them. He does not know how to wash/bathe correctly. He is usually threatened financially. He is aware of his situation and does not know what to do.

 

Matt comes from a terrifying family. His relationship with his parents was brutal and degrading. His parents have not taught him how to survive. His father is a violent psychopath. His mother is a narcissist who does not understand that other people have feelings and uses empathy as a weapon. Both have given Matt the impression that treating people with negativity and impressions of dominance are normal. He comes from a toxic family, accepts this and views himself as toxic, trying to avoid other people when possible until the loneliness becomes too bad. He has experienced massive humiliations and crippling mental breakdowns. He experiences recurring nightmares and egotistical delusions where he punishes the agonising and disabling defeats which he has suffered. He has moved around but cannot find a way to 'kick-start' himself, mostly due to not having the basic skill of learning how to eat and drink enough water.

 

Matt experiences deep depressions from his isolation and his loneliness. He is an intelligent person that can do some complicated things, and finds not having any skills or a job to be deeply humiliating. He attends outreach centers but cannot find the true help he needs. He sees doctors but they say he is simply unmotivated. He relies on drinking heavily. Every day, mostly at night, at bars or at home, and nearly always alone. He cannot control his drinking, not out of alcoholism, but out of the sheer desperation of his situation and the devastating feelings he has, the hopelessness in his dreams and waking life. He is not a virgin. He has not always been friendless. He is sensitive and thoughtful. He is absorbed by horrible pain every day and does not understand where it comes from, the basic need to love, and to receive love. People look at him, stare at him and occasionally shout at him.

 

His experience with his family and his friends have left him numb and defeated. Essentially, he has been bullied into becoming what he is. He has never had a relationship. He has been abused by a hospital system, treating him for mental disorders and drugging him with heavy antipsychotics. He has been deprived of healthy friendships and communication, instead being encouraged to dwell deeply in negativity and the shocking feelings of shame and guilt that have been instilled in him. He believes himself to be deeply depressed but cannot find a solution. He is entirely discommunicated with his family or any original friends, and has absolutely no one to depend on or to take care of.

 

He wanders the woods and streets incessantly, usually with a hangover. Fantasy becomes all-invasive and he mutters and talks to himself. He pushes away people that show him affection and care, aware of his negative and violent behaviour. His drinking leads him to further degrade himself and miss valuable appointments. He becomes locked in his past and wanders life in a stupor. He does not have a 'sense' of self-belief or self-confidence. He has regressed into an infant stage where he is in the center of the universe, and can only deal with people if they follow certain inbuilt 'scripts' that only he knows about, so that he can judge everyone else as inferior. He constantly blames his parents to make up for his dismal failure of a life. He desperately seeks to improve himself but does not know where to begin.

 

The worst damage comes from the advise he receives, usually from the internet or self-help books. They are not people and cannot identify him as being physically unwell. They fill his mind with the idea of mental illness, another toxic image that he becomes ill with. He starts to believe he is schizophrenic. Or that he has a personality disorder. He turns to drink to solve the problem. He doesn't accept that he has to find an 'inner child' but needs real, specific help with his circumstances, yet does not know what that is that could help him (love and caring).

 

Does Matt seem normal to you? What can be done? What is the missing link for him? He is very aware of his surroundings and his feelings, at least when sober. What is his next step?

[rginla]

Also, what would be a good way to 'evaluate' this person, perhaps as in comparison to others, or to what a normal adult male should 'be' like. He is extremely unhappy and lost and needs direction - a sense of identity is necessary.

[Cee]

I don't know what you are getting at with the question, but I'll take a stab:

 

If Matt has resilience and has had periods of normalcy in his life, he can get all of that back again. He also can exceed his wildest dreams of health, happiness, and intimacy as long as he continues the struggle to get well.

 

I've been like Matt at one time and after 15 years of struggle, I am radiant with joy and fulfillment. I would never have believed it possible, but with the help of friends, 12 step recovery and good mental health treatment, I am a "normal" person.

 

But the process feels like 1 step forward, 10 steps back. Try gentleness, patience and humor with personal growth. It isn't easy, but it need not be treated as punishment either. Personal growth is a great gift, but it takes years to see results.

[Eve]

I think it mainly it depends on how much contact he still has with his family and whether he can recognise those who are trying to help him and whether he can connect with the idea of helping others. H'mm.. as Cee said, his level of resilience and motivations levels are a key factor too.

 

Soothing techniques would be a factor also as alcohol clearly is a soothing mechanism for him. All in all, I would say that progress would depend largely on whether he is able to find his own role models who can nurture an aspect which makes him want to control his own mind and learn to love being able to effect positive change within his life.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[rginla]

Thank you for your kind and quick reply.

 

If Matt has resilience and has had periods of normalcy in his life, he can get all of that back again.

Matt was brought up in an attic. He has been taught that exploring and discovering is wrong. His idea of normalcy - extreme isolation - is wrong and twisted, and he must seek beyond. This is one of the 'bad advice' problems he identifies.

 

He also can exceed his wildest dreams of health, happiness, and intimacy as long as he continues the struggle to get well.

Technically speaking, Matt isn't specifically unwell, although he is highly toxic and repellent. Being positive means being drunk. Although he suffers from severe depression, it is not the root cause of his problems. His problem is to develop into being a natural person as he has not done this before, and not fight invisible diseases that he has read about.

[Eve]

I would say that he would need to live in supported housing and eventually may find a way to live normally via new experiences and learning to navigate relationships.

 

Otherwise he will always be tied to his upbringing and modes of analysis.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[rginla]

Thank you for the quick and kind reply.

 

I think it mainly it depends on how much contact he still has with his family and whether he can recognise those who are trying to help him and whether he can connect with the idea of helping others. H'mm.. as Cee said, his level of resilience and motivations levels are a key factor too

Matt has no contact with family, friends, or any acquaintances. He recognizes helpful people and tries to avoid them because of his negative and aggressive behavior, and social rejection has made him hypersensitive to criticism. His resilience and motivation to understand and improve his life is extremely high.

 

Soothing techniques would be a factor also as alcohol clearly is a soothing mechanism for him. All in all, I would say that progress would depend largely on whether he is able to find his own role models who can nurture an aspect which makes him want to control his own mind and learn to love being able to effect positive change within his life.

Matt drinks to get drunk and to live in intoxication. He has no role models. He has abandoned his parents and his idols. In effect, he has rejected the social world entirely and lives as a recluse. People who attempt to make a positive change in him are the subjects of aggression and negative energy. As far as he sees, every possible barrier of trust (emotional, mental, physical and sexual) has been broken for him, and gives him the justice to remind that to strangers.

[Eve]

Well, he sounds like he will eventually do something which will get him into trouble and end up in a secure unit or Prison, like others who have had extreme life events such as himself.

 

If he cannot communicate via any means other than aggression, he will eventually get locked up.

 

If he can function enough to stay alive and live as a recluse then that is what will happen. Ideally he should have some level of support in his home at very least or live in a supported community.

 

Sad but there does not seem much room for change.

 

Is he a patient of yours?

 

Take care,

Eve x

[rginla]

I would say that he would need to live in supported housing and eventually may find a way to live normally via new experiences and learning to navigate relationships.

Otherwise he will always be tied to his upbringing and modes of analysis.

This is an extremely helpful suggestion. Matt begun his adult life in supported housing. He has learned from this experience that people like to drink a lot and do drugs, and are violent, aggressive criminals who avoid jobs and responsibilities. People have spat at him, hit him and followed him in the street, and was let down by support workers who were constantly coming in and leaving their jobs. He learned how to make basic meals, buy drugs, and do simple part time jobs, so it taught him some valuable skills.

[rginla]

Well, he sounds like he will eventually do something which will get him into trouble and end up in a secure unit or Prison, like others who have had extreme life events such as himself.

 

If he cannot communicate via any means other than aggression, he will eventually get locked up.

Matt is not unintelligent and avoids gangs. His behaviour is not specifically violent (as in arms flailing everywhere) but is self-violent and self-destructive in nature. He has a history of very superficial self-mutilation and has attempted suicide, as examples of this mode of behaviour. Moreover he is much more been the target of violence and thievery than the cause of it.

 

If he can function enough to stay alive and live as a recluse then that is what will happen. Ideally he should have some level of support in his home at very least or live in a supported community.

Yes, Matt does not have anyone to turn to at all in this time of crisis, and does not want to choose supported accommodation because of his hostility to people and because of previous events. He is worried about being exposed to drug use, ie. drugs such as LDS and especially heroin. There is also a high wait for supported housing in the area which makes it an unrealistic option.

 

Is he a patient of yours?

You could say that, sadly

[rginla]

Normal is subjective. Are you normal?

The subject of the topic is Matt, not me.

 

Is normal being judgmental of others and seeking a sense of superiority, which is presumably why you posted this thread?

Judging other people by their actions is a necessary thing in life, surely? If Matt acts like an aggressive, toxic person, then he is right to judge himself as one, is that correct?

 

Define "should". "Should" doesn't exist in life.

Okay, thanks.

 

A 26 year old could be thus:

 

- Lives with parents

- Has a 9-5 job

- Drives his own car

- Contributes to bills in his household

 

or

 

- Has 2 children

- Is married

- Works part-time

- Lives with his wife/children in an apartment

 

or

 

- Lives in a flat by himself

- Is single

- Earns $50000 a year

- Likes to party and drunk every weekend

 

Which is normal?

What about poverty or cases of abuse? We'd all agree that someone who beat his kids regularly or killed people wasn't 'normal'. How does Matt find his place in society if he has no boundaries, no order or structure?

[rginla]

Normal is subjective. Are you normal? Why are you so bothered what this "Matt" person does?

Please refer to my initial question, as per the reason for this thread. Thank you.

[dollface07]

Please tell Matt to google DBT and to get himself into a DBT group immediately it will change his life and help him cope with his overwhelming emotions. He'll be just fine.

[Eve]

Matt is not unintelligent and avoids gangs. His behaviour is not specifically violent (as in arms flailing everywhere) but is self-violent and self-destructive in nature. He has a history of very superficial self-mutilation and has attempted suicide, as examples of this mode of behaviour. Moreover he is much more been the target of violence and thievery than the cause of it.

 

 

Yes, Matt does not have anyone to turn to at all in this time of crisis, and does not want to choose supported accommodation because of his hostility to people and because of previous events. He is worried about being exposed to drug use, ie. drugs such as LDS and especially heroin. There is also a high wait for supported housing in the area which makes it an unrealistic option.

 

 

You could say that, sadly

 

Ok, be careful of confidentiality laws. Where I live there is an automatic fine of £300.000 and dismissal. I know you have made the info as indistinguishable as possible but be careful!

 

Ok, even though he has had access to drugs and is self destructive I don't think much more that can be done. It's about putting in place boundaries, improving his quality of life and ensuring access to further treatment.

 

What matters mostly is the type of supported housing he is placed within is able to meet his needs. He should have access to disability income by the sounds of things and having such an allowance can often be the very means people end up paying for drugs who are in Matts situation.

 

It is sad but this is still a form of communication. Sounds like he is self medicating.

 

The priority I see would be to assess the suitablity of his placement. He needs structure embedded within his placement and monitoring of money being spent as well as direction within furthering his ability to look after himself. The dip towards drug usage is not uncommon and probably would have happened anyway but the risks need to be monitored and he should be removed from his current placement if he is using intravenously to break the environment link to his usage.

 

I say go with environmental changes which could failitate his safety firstly. He needs a provider who can offer a care plan which will pogress to independant living with workers coming eventually to his own home. This way he will have something to aim for and if he cannot progress a suitable amount of provision will be in place at which ever level he falls within.

 

The Police should be informed of any drug usage also so they have a picture of what is going on in the locality; disabled people within the complex may be being targeted.

 

Take care,

Eve x

Edited November 7, 2011 by Eve

[Eve]

Again, I will say normal is subjective. Normalcy cannot be objectively defined.

 

Yes it can. Often it is assessed by risks posed to oneself and to others.

 

Take care,

Eve x