I pushed my husband away.....

[Lost_Spirit]

and now we've been separated for a year! I have gone through all the emotions attached to losing someone. Life is a roller coaster and today still feels as fresh as the first day.

 

For the first 5 months of our separation we still hung out a lot, we even went to Vegas last February and then suddenly things changed. He became addicted to gaming online and then met a lot of other women. I know this because we own a business together and up until July I still worked with him. I have since then stopped working with him as it was to hard on my heart watching what he was doing.

 

I have had a lot of time to try figure out what went wrong and after a lot of discussions him and I have had over the past year, he has said a few things that have really made me think. A lot of what happened was due to my sexual issues or lack thereof. He didn't feel wanted, needed, loved etc.

 

I started menopause early and went through a real tough time with having no libido. I had absolutely no desire to have sex. Because of this, I pushed my husband away not realizing it at the time. If I could only go back and change things now.......~sigh

 

My pushing him away made him seek elsewhere. He started looking at porn - he went to some horrible websites to seek others. I know this does NOT condone the things he had done but it's no wonder I lost him!

 

I have told him that I am hurt that he never came to me and told me how much this was hurting him, instead, he escaped online with his pain. Eventually he fell out of love with me, lost the passion we once had and in the end he would rather masturbate then make love to me.

 

I eventually left before things between us got worse. The rejection I felt was I'm sure the rejection he felt for the past four years.

 

We still see each other all the time. He phones me all the time to see how I am doing and stops by as well. So he is not entirely out of my life. I know that he is not dating but is probably still doing things online.

 

I am sad, hurt.........I still love him so much! He has told me he still cares for me and loves me, but of course is not in love with me. I am not in a place to move on - how can I when my heart is still so full of love for him??

 

Now of course I am completely through menopause at 51 and feel like a human again. But it's too late.........I lost him! The wanting someone when you can't have them is so hard on the heart. We were together for 11 years, first marriage for both of us.

 

Any thoughts and insight or similar stories, I would appreciate your thoughts.

[toosoft]

There must of been a reason why you guys were together in the first place. If you say your through the labido problems and back to your old self, then is it worth trying to discover eachother again? If it was possible, do you think it would work to think back to the reasons why you loved eachother before and try recapture that?? Obviously he must be in a responsive position for this, but if you start it light hearted, you never know where it may go?? I dont believe any long term relationship is beyond help, but both parties must be willing to work on it for it to work....

[Lost_Spirit]

Thanks for the reply toosoft! I know what you are saying but I think it's too late. He has not given me any indication that he would like to be intimate with me again. I feel he hasn't dealt with his pain and is why he escapes reality. I also know he was in a few emotional affairs online as well. I'm sure he is liking the attention. Myself, I have not seeked elsewhere, my heart is still his.

 

As well, he is 7 years younger than me and I sometimes wonder if he is going through a mid-life crisis. I don't know ~sigh

 

We had a discussion the other day and I told him how hard it was to be single in this day and age that it's all about sex and putting out. He thought I was refering to a real situation I may have gone through and told me that if so, he didn't want to hear it. So this tells me that IF I was to date, he would have a hard time with that.

[carhill]

If he's not in love with you anymore and has been seeking out other women, why hasn't he or you filed for divorce?

 

Have you apologized for your role in the decline of your M (he played a role too) and suggested a possible remedy? If you have, what was the remedy and how did that conversation go?

 

To your knowledge, is/was there any infidelity as a feature of your marriage? Since he has been seeking out other women, I presume the terms of your separation did not limit either of you to monogamous behaviors. Is that correct? If so, have you dated/had relations with other men during this time?

 

What's *your* plan for recovering this? What proactive steps can you take this week to prosecute that recovery?

 

Welcome to LS

[Lost_Spirit]

If he's not in love with you anymore and has been seeking out other women, why hasn't he or you filed for divorce?

 

Have you apologized for your role in the decline of your M (he played a role too) and suggested a possible remedy? If you have, what was the remedy and how did that conversation go?

 

To your knowledge, is/was there any infidelity as a feature of your marriage? Since he has been seeking out other women, I presume the terms of your separation did not limit either of you to monogamous behaviors. Is that correct? If so, have you dated/had relations with other men during this time?

 

What's *your* plan for recovering this? What proactive steps can you take this week to prosecute that recovery?

 

Welcome to LS

 

You've asked a lot of tough questions!

 

First, the divorce conversation we had not long ago. He does not have the financial backing to pay me out. We own a lot of property plus a business and we agreed a year ago that he would pay me out. I told him I wasn't in a hurry for a divorce as my head and heart could not handle it right now.

 

I have apologized many times for withholding sex from him and pushing him away. We talked about it a lot, I even went to doctors etc for meds or something to help the situation, nothing worked. I told him to not stop trying as when we were in the act of sex, then of course I loved it. But he stopped trying and I never anitiated it.

 

I have told him I am angry that he couldn't talk to me about how this made him feel and that he gave up! I don't know if he ever cheated on me before we were separated, he has told me many times he didn't. I am not 100% convinced he is telling the truth.

 

We never really discussed not seeing anyone once we were separated but he always told me it was over! Myself, I haven't been with anyone since the split. The last time him and I were intimate was a year ago July.

 

I guess I'm just fooling myself in to thinking he may still want me.

[toosoft]

We had a discussion the other day and I told him how hard it was to be single in this day and age that it's all about sex and putting out. He thought I was refering to a real situation I may have gone through and told me that if so, he didn't want to hear it. So this tells me that IF I was to date, he would have a hard time with that.

 

I tend to agree with your assumption. From my own blokey experience, I told my W when we split up that I didnt want to hear about her conquests in the future. Because I still loved her and it would hurt, badly.

 

I respect you for standing firm. I too stood firm and watched as my wife blatantly and publically had a full relationship with another man... I wobbled briefly during this time and had a short relationship with a woman, but soon realised it wasnt going to work while I was still in love with my wife, so I ended it and consequently regretted it. Since then, I carried on standing firm to my marriage in the hope one day she would get over what I saw as rebellious behaviour and come back to me. It did pay off... and its only me now thats making a mess of things with the way I feel about her since she came back...

 

You sound like your in this for the long haul? Make sure he knows how you feel and then leave him to it. If he truely loves you, he'll be back... then its up to you if you want him back...??

[carhill]

First, the divorce conversation we had not long ago. He does not have the financial backing to pay me out. We own a lot of property plus a business and we agreed a year ago that he would pay me out. I told him I wasn't in a hurry for a divorce as my head and heart could not handle it right now.

 

Cool, you've had the talk. Nothing stopping you or he from filing, getting the waiting period started and, if appropriate, bifurcating your financials. Your head and heart couldn't handle it right now. What about his? Any communication there?

 

I have apologized many times for withholding sex from him and pushing him away. We talked about it a lot, I even went to doctors etc for meds or something to help the situation, nothing worked. I told him to not stop trying as when we were in the act of sex, then of course I loved it. But he stopped trying and I never anitiated it.

 

Has he accepted that apology and communicated that acceptance? Has he owned and communicated his role in the dynamic? Have you re-visited that dynamic, presuming your apologies were in the past and/or contemporaneous, since being separated?

 

I have told him I am angry that he couldn't talk to me about how this made him feel and that he gave up! I don't know if he ever cheated on me before we were separated, he has told me many times he didn't. I am not 100% convinced he is telling the truth.

 

OK, that answers one of my questions. He didn't communicate contemporaneously, but rather retrospectively during/immediately prior to separating, about his issues with your libido and apparent distance. Do you think he's still open to that dialogue?

 

Regarding infidelity, some background:

How long married and first/subsequent marital statuses?

 

Any disclosed infidelity in either of your backgrounds?

 

When you say you're not 100% convinced, that's a canary in an otherwise trusting and trustworthy M. That statement speaks to your psychology. I'm not questioning it as valid but rather opening it up to reflection.

 

We never really discussed not seeing anyone once we were separated but he always told me it was over! Myself, I haven't been with anyone since the split. The last time him and I were intimate was a year ago July.

 

OK, so no expressed mutual agreements. Apparently, he's been pretty transparent and not blowing sunshine up your @ss about such matters while separated. Good.

 

I guess I'm just fooling myself in to thinking he may still want me.

 

Maybe, maybe not. The only way to know for sure is to go through the process.

 

From a prior post:

 

We had a discussion the other day and I told him how hard it was to be single in this day and age that it's all about sex and putting out. He thought I was refering to a real situation I may have gone through and told me that if so, he didn't want to hear it. So this tells me that IF I was to date, he would have a hard time with that.

 

My opinion is that this is indicative of an emotional attachment and aligns with your assertion that he still loves you and cares for you and is attached to you but doesn't feel that 'ummph' that impels penises to vaginas. Is that condition permanent? Unknown.

 

Was marriage counseling ever a feature of this dynamic?

 

 

Disclaimer: My exW and I had about 14 months of MC. You're getting a free version of our sessions. We also both owned businesses and had/have real estate holdings, etc, etc. Sometimes, if appropriate, sacrifices must be made for health. Limbo isn't healthy. MC provided clarity and concrete reasons for actions and words. I'm poor now but healthy. That says a lot. Money and stuff are just that and can always be had again. Every action is a choice. There's always a choice. Good luck

[Lost_Spirit]

But maybe I'm fooling myself?? Like I said, he hasn't given me any indication that he wants to try again.

 

When we went to Vegas last February we did share a room but separate beds. One day he did warm up to me and said he wanted to have sex but I told him that was a scary place to go, so we didn't. I sometimes regret not doing it.

 

He knows I'm not ready to move on, he knows I still love him. He cares how I am doing and only wants to see me get out of my funk! He has told me he will help in anyway. I question why he is so concerned if he doesn't want me anymore. I question why he calls me all the time or stops by to see me.

 

The scary factor here is IF we were to ever get back together would he still escape online? I don't think I could trust him again and there is no relationship if there isn't trust. He would have to do a lot to ever prove to me he would not do that again.

 

I seriously think he is enjoying his free time, no one over his shoulder second guessing what he is up to. I really don't think he's happy though. Plus he hasn't done anything to change his appearance. He put on a lot of weight after I left, drank too much etc. Of course he will always be attractive to me ~sigh

 

I try to take care of myself, I think I look pretty good at my age and he knows it. He as well says to me that I would probably find a man before he found a woman......He still like my best friend and lets me cry and listens to me and then comes over to give me a hug..........

 

Miss him so......~tears

[toosoft]

awww, dont cry

 

Im all out of advice, so heres the only thing I have left:

 

((((((((( hugs )))))))))

[Lost_Spirit]

Sorry Carhill - I tried to answer all your questions underneath you but it wouldn't work.

 

I don't know about his. I think HE thinks it's completly over in his heart. That day when he told me he still loved me I said, "Yes, but I don't burn your loins anymore"......he never replied. I think if he was able to get the money from his family he probably would have paid me out and then the big D.........that's all assumption on my part.

 

 

Yes he has accepted my apology and has apologized for hurting me too, saying he was sorry. The lack of intimacy was just a part of our problems. Running a business together as well played a huge factor. Our marriage was put on the back burner so to speak and the business came first.

 

We both were never married before. We've been together over 11 years, would be married 10 years coming up new years eve!

 

I have always been faithful in any relationship I was in. He always told me the one thing he could not get past is infidelity, so I don't think he ever cheated on anyone prior to our relationship.

 

I'm not convinced he hasn't cheated in real life because of his internet history. He has done a lot of horrible things online which makes me wonder if he seeked it in real life as well.

 

He would never go to seek counsel with me. He keeps a lot of his feeling inside and doesn't admit his wrong doings to anyone.

[Lost_Spirit]

awww, dont cry

 

Im all out of advice, so heres the only thing I have left:

 

((((((((( hugs )))))))))

 

 

thanks toosoft. I know your heart is hurting too. This is not easy!

[carhill]

He would never go to seek counsel with me. He keeps a lot of his feeling inside and doesn't admit his wrong doings to anyone.

 

You just identified his role in this dynamic; his 'work'. I'll leave it there and suggest that you identify and do one positive thing for yourself this week. Something which brightens your day and lifts your spirits and mood. Think outside the box. This is a time for breaking new ground. Progress comes from fresh dirt and seeds planted therein. You can tell I'm from farm country, right?

 

Good luck

[Lost_Spirit]

You just identified his role in this dynamic; his 'work'. I'll leave it there and suggest that you identify and do one positive thing for yourself this week. Something which brightens your day and lifts your spirits and mood. Think outside the box. This is a time for breaking new ground. Progress comes from fresh dirt and seeds planted therein. You can tell I'm from farm country, right?

 

Good luck

 

 

Yes his 'work', our business, our future, our dreams. Now I have lost all of it and he is working harder than ever doing the work I used to do plus his role as well.

[carhill]

Yep, I walked that path. It's hard to describe on the page but, with the clarity achieved in MC, both of us (my exW and I) found the head space to create new options and new ideas to make the best of a disappointing and sad and painful situation, both on the emotional front as well as the practical, 'business' front. Endings don't have to be destroyers.

 

So, any ideas on that one positive thing?

 

My most recent positive thing was remodeling my master bedroom to my own personal taste. Don't think I'm rich. I did every bit of the work, right down to sheetrock and plaster and laying the floor and electrical, myself. Though I didn't share it with her, my exW saw a video of it I had posted up for friends on YouTube and sent a positive comment, even though it was 'our' bedroom for a decade. That's called 'moving on'. That was our path. You'll have yours.

[Lost_Spirit]

Yep, I walked that path. It's hard to describe on the page but, with the clarity achieved in MC, both of us (my exW and I) found the head space to create new options and new ideas to make the best of a disappointing and sad and painful situation, both on the emotional front as well as the practical, 'business' front. Endings don't have to be destroyers.

 

So, any ideas on that one positive thing?

 

My most recent positive thing was remodeling my master bedroom to my own personal taste. Don't think I'm rich. I did every bit of the work, right down to sheetrock and plaster and laying the floor and electrical, myself. Though I didn't share it with her, my exW saw a video of it I had posted up for friends on YouTube and sent a positive comment, even though it was 'our' bedroom for a decade. That's called 'moving on'. That was our path. You'll have yours.

 

I know I need to find a happy place again and I'm sure he would notice if I started doing things for ME. He has only encouraged me to do so for a long time. I have been trying also to start up my own bookkeeping business at home but then sadness comes over and I procrastinate once again.

 

I am also repainting etc in my new place but it's taken me a year to complete anything. This is extremely hard being alone.

 

The one thing I am doing for ME in the near future is have some boudoir pictures taken. I need to feel beautiful again, inside and out. I'm going shopping next week to find a few revealing outfits that I can wear for the pictures. I need to feel like a woman again and not a prude. He doesn't know I'm doing this and I don't feel he deserves seeing sexy pics of me when he doesn't desire me anymore.

[Lost_Spirit]

I know I need to find a happy place again and I'm sure he would notice if I started doing things for ME. He has only encouraged me to do so for a long time. I have been trying also to start up my own bookkeeping business at home but then sadness comes over and I procrastinate once again.

 

I am also repainting etc in my new place but it's taken me a year to complete anything. This is extremely hard being alone.

 

The one thing I am doing for ME in the near future is have some boudoir pictures taken. I need to feel beautiful again, inside and out. I'm going shopping next week to find a few revealing outfits that I can wear for the pictures. I need to feel like a woman again and not a prude. He doesn't know I'm doing this and I don't feel he deserves seeing sexy pics of me when he doesn't desire me anymore.

 

 

PS: I just thought of something he shared with me once. He told me that the reason he fell in love with me is because a lot of my attributes were like his mothers. He wanted me to get that woman back. I was independent, hard working, loads of fun etc. I lost all of this when I went through menopause, I lost myself, hated him etc. Hormones are a horrible thing to go through.

 

Since then, he lost his mother 3 years ago and this hit him hard and that's around the time things really started to change for us.

[toosoft]

I dont think its over. I dont want to install 'false hope', but I just get the feeling.

 

May God bless you, him and your futures, whatever that may be...

[tojaz]

Hi Lost, welcome to LS.

Even though I'm here a lot and read a lot, I rarely post anymore unless a story really reaches out and grabs me, and yours did.

 

I love this quote, so I'm going to repeat it and try and build off of it.

Think outside the box. This is a time for breaking new ground. Progress comes from fresh dirt and seeds planted therein.

You and your ex have been through hell, and Im going to bet you both have learned an awful lot about yourselves, and each other. (New dirt in my interpretation) So, what will you plant?

 

From the little bit you have written here I see 2 people that are scare to death to get hurt again, but also not ready to let go. You both care an awful lot about each other and have managed to maintain a very strong "relationship" while separated. So something has held an emotional connection that has been stronger then your troubles, that says a lot.

 

So back to Carhills quote (probably now butchered well out of context by now ) What will you plant? How about a happier and healthier you? What could be better? and you never know, someone might see someone hes been missing emerge as well.

 

TOJAZ

[carhill]

Good luck with the shopping and pictures. Sounds like a great way to spend part of the week

[Lost_Spirit]

Hi Lost, welcome to LS.

Even though I'm here a lot and read a lot, I rarely post anymore unless a story really reaches out and grabs me, and yours did.

 

I love this quote, so I'm going to repeat it and try and build off of it.

 

You and your ex have been through hell, and Im going to bet you both have learned an awful lot about yourselves, and each other. (New dirt in my interpretation) So, what will you plant?

 

From the little bit you have written here I see 2 people that are scare to death to get hurt again, but also not ready to let go. You both care an awful lot about each other and have managed to maintain a very strong "relationship" while separated. So something has held an emotional connection that has been stronger then your troubles, that says a lot.

 

So back to Carhills quote (probably now butchered well out of context by now ) What will you plant? How about a happier and healthier you? What could be better? and you never know, someone might see someone hes been missing emerge as well.

 

TOJAZ

 

Hi Tojaz - thanks for the reply. Yes, the past 4 years have been rough on both of us and although it was hard leaving him last year we decided it was best before we hated one another. The one thing he has told me is that he never wanted to lose my friendship.

 

I question though if he wants his cake and eat it to. He has his privacy, his secret world to do whatever he is doing. Which I may add drives me crazy wondering what he is doing. Then he still has my friendship. He calls to check in, calls to vent if he's had a tough day. He drops in unannounced to just say hi. As well, we have two yorkies and the female is with me so he sometimes uses that as an excuse to stop in. Then sometimes he is extremely busy and drops the other one off to spend the day with me.

 

Everything is exactly the same as it used to be with the exception we sleep in different homes plus, we aren't intimate anymore. The only closeness I get is when he knows I need a hug, he is always open armed to give me one.

 

Before I left last year, I of course still wanted to make love because I missed the oneness with him. We did a few times but then he stopped saying he didn't want to give me false hope as it would just be a release for him, not lovemaking. I had a hard time understanding that. How can one lose that connection after 11 years?? I wondered if it was because he feared feeling coming to surface.

 

We both hurt one another, this is a two way street here, that I can't deny. I think now he has pushed all his feeling deep inside as he does fear getting hurt again.

 

I have been taking care of myself for the most part. Looking better than ever actually. Just recently got my eyes done (upper eye lift) as it was affecting my eye sight, so this has taken years off. I look real good for a 51 yr old.

 

I do need to become more active and get out more. He knows I'm down in the dumps and if I was to spark out of that he would wonder why the change. I just need a swift kick to get me started.

 

Thanks for replying

[tojaz]

Well Lost, since my story has long since dropped off into the dust bin of LS, I'll tell you that I was the one that was left and that in most cases your imagination is a lot worse then what is actually happening in his private time.

 

Everything is exactly the same as it used to be with the exception we sleep in different homes plus, we aren't intimate anymore.

 

I really want to take that and run with it, but I am worried about spreading false hope as well as some of the other posters have been, so I will tell you from my case. Being 2 years divorced I've learned a thing or two and one is the difference between intimacy and sex. You miss are not having sex, but you are intimate with your husband an awful lot, until the end, I was having sex with my wife a lot, but we had rarely been intimate. True real intimacy means more.

 

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

How did you feel when you read just give up? If you really loved him you probably felt pretty badly. Lost Spirit, youa're not lost yet with your relationship. Your man actually sounds like an okay guy as I am sure that you are an okay gal. A few things.... Though the porn may bother you it is important to know that men are visual creatures and until we suffer from an extreme case of ED we have a strong drive to have sex. When he is masturbating, he is being in touch and experiencing affection and attention with out the worry of is she into it or not, whethere she loves him or not. He can be free to express himself. I can guarantee you this... He would much rather be with you. But he needs you free, he needs you to take initiative because he has been rejected so much that he is uncertain of your sexual attraction to him.

 

Second, a man that feels and believes that he can not satisfy his woman will feel like the worst person on Earth. When few its in a state of uncertainty with out reassurance, he does not feel significant not connected to his partner he will not feel loved. When this happens an emotional barrier is created to protect his feelings. There is a way to break that down if you care to.

 

Third, people get married for various reasons. Women value security and (connection) men primarily value certainty and significance. Men value sex, women value connection. This varies person to person. But its a lot for a man to make that commitment to be with only one woman fit the rest of their lives without the possibility of having sex with another woman. For you and your guy to be together for so long signifies something. There is definitely something there. You both still act like a couple.

 

There we're some decisions made in the past and a new belief system was established for each. The process can be reversed. There its no way to change him. That's not a good idea anyway. It starts with you. You are more than capable and have more than enough love to do it. If you re interested let me know. But you got it!

 

Very good post above!

I wanted too add Lost that while im sure it makes you uncomfortable and probably a little dismissed, his turning to porn when you had lost your libido should be taken for what it is, a physical release. With no emotional connection and in his mind, no disrespect towards you. Another reason I suspect that his free time has been a lot more innocent then you may be imagining. By your description though, it sounds like he had crossed a line and was doing more then just looking, possibly even conversing with women. I would still give a bit a credit for him looking to feel desired within the anonymity of the internet vs trolling the local bar. Doesn't make it right, but I think I could understand. We all want to feel wanted and desired and there isn't much that hurts more then having that taken away.

 

So heres your swift kick. This man cares about you, he worries about your well being, your worries. He helps you, consoles you, takes care of you when he can. It doesn't sound like your hinting or prompting him to do it, its a role he WANTS to be in. Hes there for you. As sad as it is for me to say, you have a stronger and more caring relationship with your estranged ex then I have with my current gf sometimes! Those times hurt, but the good times make it worth sticking my neck out there, and they out number the bad.

 

Its a scary thing to put yourself out there Lost, I know you've told him how you feel, but us guys are stubborn and very cautious once we've been hurt. Its scary for him too and you've mentioned your mistrust. Show him! Give him that place where he feels safe and cared for and if there is anything left in him, it will come out, but if you both remain on the defensive you'll stay right where you are or lose what you have.

 

TOJAZ

[Lost_Spirit]

Thank you so much for such a detailed reply.

 

 

Those two words make me feel angry (give up)! My heart has always told me to not give up. No matter what he has done I have always forgiven him and never stopped loving him. Yes I feel terrible…it plays over in my mind thinking only if I could go back and change things and then maybe we wouldn’t be where we are right now.

 

Yes I do have an issue with the porn. Knowing what he did online and catching him masturbating has really affected me. Still to this day I will have images in my head. It’s hard for me to watch anything on TV that is sexual. It makes me think of him right away knowing it arouses him… there’s so much more I could tell you about this!! It’s very hurtful that he escaped to do things like that.

 

Thanks for your explanation about how he is feeling on a man’s perspective. I don’t have anyone to talk about how men feel about that. He would always deny it as I’m sure he was ashamed.

 

 

That makes sense to me. He told me one time he didn’t want to make love to me when I didn’t want to even though I told him it was ok. I can see now how he must have been feeling inside.

 

Yes we do act like a couple when we’re together. I will add that any time we are together it is short visits. But we still call each other Hon; I guess it’s just habit after all this time. He as well knows I don’t like when he calls me by my first name. It’s very rare that he ever uses it. It’s our phone calls that we spend more time talking. That’s actually how we got so close when we first met as we were long-distant relationship.

 

I don’t want to change him. I just want him to feel passion for me again and stop with the women online. I do understand that he is filling a void right now and I’m sure it strokes his ego receiving the attention he has been so long without from me.

Edited November 7, 2011 by Lost_Spirit

[norajane]

Its a scary thing to put yourself out there Lost, I know you've told him how you feel, but us guys are stubborn and very cautious once we've been hurt. Its scary for him too and you've mentioned your mistrust. Show him! Give him that place where he feels safe and cared for and if there is anything left in him, it will come out, but if you both remain on the defensive you'll stay right where you are or lose what you have.

 

TOJAZ

 

I think this is so important.

 

I would add that your husband has felt rejected by you for a long time in your marriage. Show him that you want him. Open up to him. Allow him to open up to you, by opening up to him first. You're fighting for your husband and your marriage, right? Fight harder. That means do the things that feel hard, like putting yourself out there for him.

[Lost_Spirit]

Very good post above!

I wanted too add Lost that while im sure it makes you uncomfortable and probably a little dismissed, his turning to porn when you had lost your libido should be taken for what it is, a physical release. With no emotional connection and in his mind, no disrespect towards you. Another reason I suspect that his free time has been a lot more innocent then you may be imagining. By your description though, it sounds like he had crossed a line and was doing more then just looking, possibly even conversing with women. I would still give a bit a credit for him looking to feel desired within the anonymity of the internet vs trolling the local bar. Doesn't make it right, but I think I could understand. We all want to feel wanted and desired and there isn't much that hurts more then having that taken away.

_______________________________________________

 

Yes he did cross the line conversing with other women. No it doesn't make it right but I do somewhat feel responsible. It was his escapism which he always did when things weren't good between us. So of course I will always have it in the back of my mind that IF we were to get back together if he would continue hiding it from me.

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So heres your swift kick. This man cares about you, he worries about your well being, your worries. He helps you, consoles you, takes care of you when he can. It doesn't sound like your hinting or prompting him to do it, its a role he WANTS to be in. Hes there for you. As sad as it is for me to say, you have a stronger and more caring relationship with your estranged ex then I have with my current gf sometimes! Those times hurt, but the good times make it worth sticking my neck out there, and they out number the bad.

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I'm sorry to hear that about your current gf. Yes I do know he still cares about me and would do anything for me. If I seem upset when he calls sometimes he asks me if I'm ok. I sometimes just say yes but he knows me better. I don't take advantage of that right now. I give him his freedom, I don't bother him or rarely call him. He initiates that.

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Its a scary thing to put yourself out there Lost, I know you've told him how you feel, but us guys are stubborn and very cautious once we've been hurt. Its scary for him too and you've mentioned your mistrust. Show him! Give him that place where he feels safe and cared for and if there is anything left in him, it will come out, but if you both remain on the defensive you'll stay right where you are or lose what you have.

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Yes he knows how I feel but I've also told him 'I get it" that its over. I don't show him that I have hopes of getting back together. I have kind of detached myself but sometimes wonder if it's a good signal. I think he feels like I don't love him nor need him. That's a catch 22 sometimes though because he also doesn't want me to depend on him or be needy. He wants me to gain my independence back.

 

So how am I to 'show him'?