I pushed my husband away.....

[Lost_Spirit]

I think this is so important.

 

I would add that your husband has felt rejected by you for a long time in your marriage. Show him that you want him. Open up to him. Allow him to open up to you, by opening up to him first. You're fighting for your husband and your marriage, right? Fight harder. That means do the things that feel hard, like putting yourself out there for him.

 

Yes he was rejected for a long time, way to long! Then I was rejected.....I don't know how to show him I want him. That's a scary place to go fearing the rejection.

 

I did send him an email yesterday telling him that I had been doing a lot of thinking of some of our conversation just the other day. I finally told him that I get it and what I did to him and understood why I lost him. He has brought up comments, like: "you didn't want me 4 years ago and you didn't want me 2 years ago" or "you really didn't love me" I apologized and told him I still loved him. I told him it hurt my heart so much knowing there will never be and 'us' again.

 

I didn't want to pressure him as it's been a long time that I have sent him an email expressing my feelings and told him I was just sharing how I was feeling and didn't expect a response. Not sure he'll even bring it up.

[norajane]

I don't know how to show him I want him.

 

Do you invite him to visit you? Do you smile when he comes to your door? Do you ever touch him. Or hug him or kiss him?

 

He wanted those things from you when you were together. Can you give that to him now?

[Lost_Spirit]

Do you invite him to visit you? Do you smile when he comes to your door? Do you ever touch him. Or hug him or kiss him?

 

He wanted those things from you when you were together. Can you give that to him now?

 

It's been a long time since I invited him over. Because of some of the things he's down I even get uptight if he receives a text message. I of course assume right away it's some woman. So being around him for any length of time can be stressful so I avoid it. You have to understand some of the things I've seen him do in the past had scarred me. Now that he has more free time with no one looking over his shoulder I can just imagine what he's been doing. I don't know how to get past that

 

I don't make a big deal of it when I see him. Maybe I should! I sometimes touch him on the shoulder or grasp his hand and there are times I ask for a hug and he always freely gives them. He offered one to me just the other day as I said earlier as he knew I was upset from a earlier conversation we had.

[tojaz]

I'm sorry to hear that about your current gf. Yes I do know he still cares about me and would do anything for me. If I seem upset when he calls sometimes he asks me if I'm ok. I sometimes just say yes but he knows me better. I don't take advantage of that right now. I give him his freedom, I don't bother him or rarely call him. He initiates that.

 

So how am I to 'show him'?

 

You show him by returning the same gestures he gives you. Most often people care for the other people in their life the same way the wish they would be cared for. It takes little more then some deliberate thought. Pay attention, if he does something that means a great deal to you, make a conscious note of it (after expressing your appreciation of course) look at all the things you've mentioned here already. The things he notices, the things he does, the small tiny gestures because sometimes the smallest things are what stand out the most.

 

TOJAZ

Edited November 7, 2011 by tojaz

[Lost_Spirit]

You show him by returning the same gestures he gives you. Most often people care for the other people in their life the same way the wish they would be cared for. It takes little more then some deliberate thought. Pay attention, if he does something that means a great deal to you, make a conscious note of it (after expressing your appreciation of course) look at all the things you've mentioned here already. The things he notices, the things he does, the small tiny gestures because sometimes the smallest things are what stand out the most.

 

TOJAZ

 

I am always cordial to him and ask him how he's doing. I'm always nice to him, if I wasn't, he surely wouldn't be still calling. I don't get much opportunities to help him the way he helps me. He can be very stubborn and prideful. He acts like he is happy (he was always good at hiding his feelings) He always sounds so cheerful when he calls me. I am always appreciative when he gives me good advise or just listens to me. I really just don't know what more I can do.

[tojaz]

I am always cordial to him and ask him how he's doing. I'm always nice to him, if I wasn't, he surely wouldn't be still calling. I don't get much opportunities to help him the way he helps me. He can be very stubborn and prideful. He acts like he is happy (he was always good at hiding his feelings) He always sounds so cheerful when he calls me. I am always appreciative when he gives me good advise or just listens to me. I really just don't know what more I can do.

 

What would you do for him if you were not separated? How did you let him know he was important to you before? Cordial is the bare minimum, we are cordial to people we pass on the street. Something small, next time you know your going to see him, hand him a cup of his favorite coffee or something else you might remember hes fond of, the fact that you remember will mean more then the actual gesture. Keep it simple.

 

TOJAZ

[toosoft]

Based on Tojaz's last post... it is the little things! I love my hair being stroked briefly (like a roughing up lol) or a drink being made for me...

[Lost_Spirit]

Monday morning and feeling a bit anxious. He usually calls me to see how I am doing, how was your weekend etc. Haven't heard from him yet, but it's early. I wonder what his thoughts were when he read my email Saturday, but I won't bring it up unless he does. I shared a lot of my feelings with him.

 

Received an email from M-Life - you know the ones where you collect points from going to Vegas. We went there a lot together and as mentioned above, the last time was February. We always had a great time together, no matter where we went.

 

The email was about the points we received, free nights and then stating to log in to see exclusive New Years Eve offers. This stabbed my heart big time as this would have been our 10th anniversary ~sigh I know he receives this email as well, wonder what he thought if he read it.

 

No one should marry on a holiday such as Valentines or New Years - how do you ever get past that! Feeling tears weld up now.........

[Lost_Spirit]

Ok, so interesting conversation with H. He called and asked if I was interested in purchasing some property so we could rent it out and both benefit from the extra income we would make from it. This would generate around $400/mth extra for both of us.

 

I asked him if he was thinking of me doing it solely or us together as I didn't want to just use some of my savings. He said we could discuss it more and that he was only thinking about helping me out with making more money.

 

He's a business man and very intelligent when it comes to all of this. We always worked well together discussing our finances and planning for the future.

 

I know this is a business deal only and has nothing to do with our marriage. He told me to think about it and we'd discuss more. I guess our relationship is unique, how many separated couples still discuss things like this?

 

I guess we were always good business partners, wish the marriage had worked out that well too.

[carhill]

Here's what our MC shared when we were purchasing another home while going through MC.

 

"Given the issues you're working through in your marriage, do you think it's wise to add the additional burden of buying another piece of real estate to these issues?"

 

In our case, that particular home became the nice home my exW and her BF are currently living in.

[Lost_Spirit]

Here's what our MC shared when we were purchasing another home while going through MC.

 

"Given the issues you're working through in your marriage, do you think it's wise to add the additional burden of buying another piece of real estate to these issues?"

 

In our case, that particular home became the nice home my exW and her BF are currently living in.

 

I see what you are saying and thank you for your input. I guess the difference here is this: we have always been adult about the separation and have never fought about it. Even if we are to get a divorce, this property would probably remain co-ownership - just a business deal or one of us could buy the other out. We are talking about a mobile home worth around $25,000, not a $250,000.

 

If we had been fighting all this time I can understand your input and would shy away in a heart beat. Which we have not, plus there are no children to be concerned about either. We only have verbal agreements on our separation and we have been both holding up on what we both agreed to.

 

I will discuss all aspects with him before making a concrete decision - he has told me to think about it.

[trippi1432]

Lost Spirit, I felt compelled to come here after seeing your post in another thread. Sweetie, what you have gone through is not your fault, menopause is normal...and yes, hormones run amok. Hate to say, but since your husband is seven years younger, andropause is not unknown to hit men as well....which results in lowered libido as well. He may very well find himself in the same state as you one day....and he will hope for the same things as you did, but did not get...understanding and compassion.

 

I realize that it seems that you are getting those things from him now, as separated...and perhaps he is seeing that changes have been happening, but what you are and have been going through are NORMAL although they feel abnormal. One of my favorite Marilyn Monroe quotes:

 

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”

― Marilyn Monroe

 

Stop blaming your body for doing what comes naturally and live for what is finally done, understand that perhaps this break was needed and forgive yourself for something you had little control over. I know that you stated in another thread that people should read what men here are saying about the lowered libido...but honestly, and this is my take...if you can't understand me going through the change of life (and no...I'm not there yet) do not expect me to understand when you are in your 50's and 60's why you need Viagra and have to schedule sex on MY calendar. Okay..that's just me and if Marilyn had lived..I could totally see her in her 60's with a 30 or 40 year old lover. Go ahead guys...if it was Marilyn...you know it's true!! ha ha.

 

The fact is Lost Spirit, the right man will see you through any storm, no matter how high the waters how rough the seas...that is the man you hold onto. Did he feel pushed away? Perhaps...I didn't get the background on how long you were actually married..but it does not mean that your life is over if this does not work out. You are over the hump, through the tough spot...it is now your decision to make if you can trust him again on the Internet thing and the porn. Personally, and after being left 9 days after a major surgery after a 15 year relationship...I would find it hard to stand by a man who could not understand my time of need when ultimately, as a wife, I would stand by them in theirs.

 

Do things today that make you happy...a happy you is aphrodisiac to a prosperous future.

[Lost_Spirit]

Lost Spirit, I felt compelled to come here after seeing your post in another thread. Sweetie, what you have gone through is not your fault, menopause is normal...and yes, hormones run amok. Hate to say, but since your husband is seven years younger, andropause is not unknown to hit men as well....which results in lowered libido as well. He may very well find himself in the same state as you one day....and he will hope for the same things as you did, but did not get...understanding and compassion.

 

I realize that it seems that you are getting those things from him now, as separated...and perhaps he is seeing that changes have been happening, but what you are and have been going through are NORMAL although they feel abnormal. One of my favorite Marilyn Monroe quotes:

 

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”

― Marilyn Monroe

 

Stop blaming your body for doing what comes naturally and live for what is finally done, understand that perhaps this break was needed and forgive yourself for something you had little control over. I know that you stated in another thread that people should read what men here are saying about the lowered libido...but honestly, and this is my take...if you can't understand me going through the change of life (and no...I'm not there yet) do not expect me to understand when you are in your 50's and 60's why you need Viagra and have to schedule sex on MY calendar. Okay..that's just me and if Marilyn had lived..I could totally see her in her 60's with a 30 or 40 year old lover. Go ahead guys...if it was Marilyn...you know it's true!! ha ha.

 

The fact is Lost Spirit, the right man will see you through any storm, no matter how high the waters how rough the seas...that is the man you hold onto. Did he feel pushed away? Perhaps...I didn't get the background on how long you were actually married..but it does not mean that your life is over if this does not work out. You are over the hump, through the tough spot...it is now your decision to make if you can trust him again on the Internet thing and the porn. Personally, and after being left 9 days after a major surgery after a 15 year relationship...I would find it hard to stand by a man who could not understand my time of need when ultimately, as a wife, I would stand by them in theirs.

 

Do things today that make you happy...a happy you is aphrodisiac to a prosperous future.

 

 

We were together over 11 years, married almost 10. I like the Marilyn Monroe quote and I do agree with what she said. I know I beat myself up about this and feel my sexuality played a big part in our marriage break down. As well, I wasn't meeting his emotional needs - then in turn he wasn't meeting mine either because of how I made him feel. (have been doing a lot of reading on Marriage Builders)

 

So he turned to the internet to have his emotional needs met. Then this became habit when things went wrong in our marriage. I guess I'm angry that he didn't talk to me about how he was really feeling. Why didn't he man up???

 

No, I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I think he is so caught up on the internet that he really hasn't dealt with our break up. I know since we've been separated that he's had an EA with a married woman online. It could be still going on for all I know. This goes against his morals and values of the man I thought I knew. God knows what else he's done that I'm not aware of. PS: he doesn't know I know about HER.

 

Once again, even though he does still call/stops by, he has never given me a sign of hope for us. He's never misleads me regarding that. He tells me that he hasn't moved on. I guess it depends on what you classify as moving on?

 

So I get angry at myself for wasting so much energy on thinking about him, worrying about him, etc. I'm sure he's not home pining about me! If he was, he would call me in the evenings or want to get together. Doesn't happen!

 

I'm in a funk and I know I need to snap out of it. I keep saying that but never do anything to change it. a happy you is aphrodisiac to a prosperous future - very true and I really don't remember the last time I was happy. I need to change that!

[Lost_Spirit]

Sorry for the long post.

 

I've been doing a lot of reading on this site. It's taken me a year to understand what really happened in our marriage and yes, I do get it. Yes, I still love my H so deeply and still care what happens to him.

 

As mentioned, we are still friends. He is the one that always contacts me, phones and stops over. He also gives me great support with trying to get me to get my life in order. He has always been the one who gives everyone else great advice but never takes it himself. He also doesn't open up to anyone about how he is feeling deep down.

 

I had mentioned in one of my posts that at one time during our separation he had a gaming addiction. I seen all the signs and even joined a support group to understand what was going on and how I could help. Well, I learned you can't help someone with an addiction, you have to detach with love and the only reason they MAY ask for help is if they hit rock bottom.

 

I'm going to share with you some things he went through when we first separated.

 

- I left in October 2010 - he was sick off/on from November to January. Was on antibiotics twice.

 

- We still worked together so we seen one another daily, went to Vegas as friends in Feb of 2011

 

-Feb 2011 he started gaming. He gamed for 14-16 hours a day while trying to run the company. He denied it to me and started to hide playing, making up excuses as to why he was tired, etc. The list goes on.

 

-When he started gaming is when he stopped wanting to spend anytime with me, the phone calls stopped etc. The support stopped as well.

 

-He cut out his friends and became a hermit. This was Summer and he always golfed a lot - not this year.

 

-He started EA with a few different women through the gaming site

 

-He started drinking everynight. Sometimes a bottle of wine, then it was margaritas.

 

-He gained a lot of weight since the breakup while I lost about 15 pounds

 

I left him alone and gave him his space. I didn't call him or stop over. I hated what he was doing to himself but I was powerless. While still working together he told me one day that he stopped gaming after 4 months as it was burning him out. I was very proud of him for sharing this with me. He told me that he had deleted all the contacts on FB that he was playing with.

 

Well with the exception of one, the married women he was having an EA with. I also know he went to meet her on one of his trips. He has a separate FB account that he used for gaming and you can see his friend list. He doesn't even know I know of the other account.

 

I couldn't take working with him anymore so I stopped working with him July 1st. Stepping away from our company was a hard thing for me to do but my sanity needed this. I thought this would be the real beginning of our separation. Wrong!

 

With me not working with him he then had to do the admin work as well as the service. He was extremely busy but he had to see what not having me around was all about. We never hang out but he always calls and stops in to see me and still gives me great advice on picking up the pieces.

 

A few days ago he stopped in and he looked terrible! He looked extremely tired, his eyes were red and swollen. I asked him if he was ok and he said he was tired and that he had been up since 3:30 am as he just couldn't sleep. I said to him, "don't get defensive or angry but you look like you did when you were gaming" "are you back doing that?" He said no, I am not doing anything wrong, just tired. I feel I know him better than anyone.

 

This bothered me and I know my intuition is usually right when it comes to him. So the next morning I searched for his alias on FB and his friend list still shows up. Well, my gut feelings were right. He has 23 friends who are playing the game. I'm sure when he left here that night he was probably blown away that I picked up what he was doing.

 

I know there is nothing I can do or say, I just have to let it go. He is the type of man that won't reach out even if he hits rock bottom. And God forbid if anyone knows what he has been doing. I'm just trying to understand if he wanted our marriage to end why is he so messed up? This is a man who is not moving on! He doesn't take care of himself, he is overweight, etc.

 

I am trying to get to that happy place again. I do have great friends and support. As mentioned above I am going to get boudoir pics taken to feel beautiful inside again. This week I planned a trip to Mexico in December with a GF of mine. Then I will focus on getting my home business going when I get back.

 

Just wondering if there are others out there that ended their relationship but are more messed up than the dumpee is.

[tojaz]

The dumper often turns out worse off then the dumpee. There are a lot of reasons for this. Often times the dumper has built a lot of resentment up for their spouse that they really ddin't earn. Once the relationship is ended the dumper feels that is the solution to all their problems but in reality they come to a crossroads when the reality hits the light of day. One direction leads to seeeing their own faults and shortcomings and dealing with them in a healthy way. The other, regression back into an unhealthy pattern of behavior and denial about their situation.

 

Not always true, but it is a pattern that has played out many times over.

 

TOJAZ

[Lost_Spirit]

The dumper often turns out worse off then the dumpee. There are a lot of reasons for this. Often times the dumper has built a lot of resentment up for their spouse that they really ddin't earn. Once the relationship is ended the dumper feels that is the solution to all their problems but in reality they come to a crossroads when the reality hits the light of day. One direction leads to seeeing their own faults and shortcomings and dealing with them in a healthy way. The other, regression back into an unhealthy pattern of behavior and denial about their situation.

 

Not always true, but it is a pattern that has played out many times over.

 

TOJAZ

 

Hi Tojaz, thank you for your thoughts. I really appreciate them. I understand what you are saying. I know I am only assuming here, but I feel I know H better than anyone. He used to always tell me that I had an over active imagination. But that was his guilt/denial.

 

I feel he knows where he went wrong and has admitted some of them to me. It's the dark secrets that he keeps inside and I'm sure after all this time it eats him up and he feels guilty inside for some of the things hes done. But he would NEVER admit those to me. He did once say to me that someday I would thank him for this. ?? Just makes me wonder if there is more to what he's done that I'm unaware of.

 

He's still young (43) and he's told me his dreams are diminished now, the dreams and plans that we made together. That was his decision, he didn't give 110% in fixing our marriage, he just gave up. I think that's the one thing that hurts the most.

 

So now he continues to escape the reality and not deal with things the way he should. I really do feel for him but once again I am powerless. I know I have to stop worrying about him and completely focus on ME.

 

I always think that once he sees me doing better this may hurt him even more. I was trying to think of what may have triggered him into gaming again when he knows from the last time that it takes over his life. But I had told him last week that I was a) getting boudoir pics taken so I could get my sexy back - meaning feel beautiful inside again b) planning a trip to Mexico

 

He is such an intelligent man but when it comes to relationships and taking his own advice for himself, well that just doesn't happen. He won't listen to anyone who wants to discuss our marriage. He tells them that he is not asking for advice so just stay out of it. Just how long can anyone keep so much pain bottled up inside?

 

So since I mentioned "he looks like he did when he was gaming before" I have not heard from him! He doesn't usually call on weekends but Mondays he would always call to check in and see how I'm doing. I even sent him a touching email yesterday as it was the 3rd anniversary of his Mother's death - I didn't get a thank you or nothing! This affected him real bad and he never did deal with the grieve. So I guess him knowing I was right he is staying away or consumed by his gaming again.

 

PS: booked my Mexico trip today - leave on Dec 10th!!!

 

Thanks for listening.......

[tojaz]

Hi Tojaz, thank you for your thoughts. I really appreciate them. I understand what you are saying. I know I am only assuming here, but I feel I know H better than anyone. He used to always tell me that I had an over active imagination. But that was his guilt/denial.

 

I feel he knows where he went wrong and has admitted some of them to me. It's the dark secrets that he keeps inside and I'm sure after all this time it eats him up and he feels guilty inside for some of the things hes done. But he would NEVER admit those to me. He did once say to me that someday I would thank him for this. ?? Just makes me wonder if there is more to what he's done that I'm unaware of.

 

He's still young (43) and he's told me his dreams are diminished now, the dreams and plans that we made together. That was his decision, he didn't give 110% in fixing our marriage, he just gave up. I think that's the one thing that hurts the most.

 

So now he continues to escape the reality and not deal with things the way he should. I really do feel for him but once again I am powerless. I know I have to stop worrying about him and completely focus on ME.

 

I always think that once he sees me doing better this may hurt him even more. I was trying to think of what may have triggered him into gaming again when he knows from the last time that it takes over his life. But I had told him last week that I was a) getting boudoir pics taken so I could get my sexy back - meaning feel beautiful inside again b) planning a trip to Mexico

 

He is such an intelligent man but when it comes to relationships and taking his own advice for himself, well that just doesn't happen. He won't listen to anyone who wants to discuss our marriage. He tells them that he is not asking for advice so just stay out of it. Just how long can anyone keep so much pain bottled up inside?

 

So since I mentioned "he looks like he did when he was gaming before" I have not heard from him! He doesn't usually call on weekends but Mondays he would always call to check in and see how I'm doing. I even sent him a touching email yesterday as it was the 3rd anniversary of his Mother's death - I didn't get a thank you or nothing! This affected him real bad and he never did deal with the grieve. So I guess him knowing I was right he is staying away or consumed by his gaming again.

 

PS: booked my Mexico trip today - leave on Dec 10th!!!

 

Thanks for listening.......

 

Lost, Im going to say that you are probably right about your husbands situation, feel comfortable in trusting your instincts.

 

Lots of leavers don't put the effort into fixing a marriage for a good reason (to them) to fix anything you have to TRULY identify whats wrong with it that means owning whats theirs as well, that can be a very hard thing to face. Same reason they would shun advice.

 

Trust yourself, and let him deal with what he has to get straight in his head, maybe calling him out shook something loose? Who knows, but you won't until hes/ if hes ready to share it with you.

 

You can put focus on you without turning a blind eye to him, hard to d, but its healthy and i think your photo shoot and Mexico trip are a great start.

TOJAZ

[Lost_Spirit]

Lost, Im going to say that you are probably right about your husbands situation, feel comfortable in trusting your instincts.

 

Lots of leavers don't put the effort into fixing a marriage for a good reason (to them) to fix anything you have to TRULY identify whats wrong with it that means owning whats theirs as well, that can be a very hard thing to face. Same reason they would shun advice.

 

Trust yourself, and let him deal with what he has to get straight in his head, maybe calling him out shook something loose? Who knows, but you won't until hes/ if hes ready to share it with you.

 

You can put focus on you without turning a blind eye to him, hard to d, but its healthy and i think your photo shoot and Mexico trip are a great start.

TOJAZ

 

You are right! I have a lot to deal with inside and do need to stop concerning myself about him. If he needs any help, he know how to reach me. As I said, if I get my sh*t together, this would probably relieve him or it may scare him.

 

He is a very prideful man and stubborn too. He keeps to himself and doesn't think it's anyone's business what is going on in his life, so he shuts anyone down when they try give advice. Even his Father used to call me to ask how he was really doing, knowing I would tell him the truth. My H sugar coats everything to everyone well inside he is dying, it's like he has two personalities. He has a good side and a very dark side and God forbid if anyone know what he does during those dark times.

 

He puts on a facade and yearns stature and respect from his customers. He is highly respected by all of them. This feeds his ego. He is driven from his upbringing as his parents were in business and became very wealthy. He has to prove to his family and himself that he too can be just as or more successful.

 

Although it's a lonely world when you work hard and put your business and customers first. He said you have to make sacrifices to get ahead. So he had a plan but during this plan We, our relationship was put on the back burner. If he had put as much energy into our marriage as he does the business life would have been blissful! So how great can retirement be if you are all alone and miserable?......

 

PS: He did call me today. Wanted to be filled in. It's funny for someone who wanted to separate he sure feels the need to know my every move.

[nu464]

I pushed my husband away without realizing it, how do I get him back? My husband has been battling depression for a couple months now and I think some of it is because of our marital problems that we have been having in the last couple of months. Basically, he is to the point where he says that he doesn't feel like he loves me anymore. At first he couldn't explain why but yesterday he explained that for the last 6 months I have been pushing him away. We talked and talked about it and I began to see how it was true but that I did not see it as pushing him away at the time. I realize now that I did but now it is almost as if it is too late because the love is not there anymore. I guess what I'm asking is what can I do to change... I love my husband and I love spending time with him.. I guess most of the time I just thought he wanted to be alone. It is crazy because he never showed me signs of being lonely etc... Anybody have any ideas to help him fall back in love with me... I love him with all my heart and I feel horrible for making him feel this way!

[tojaz]

You are right! I have a lot to deal with inside and do need to stop concerning myself about him. If he needs any help, he know how to reach me. As I said, if I get my sh*t together, this would probably relieve him or it may scare him.

 

He is a very prideful man and stubborn too. He keeps to himself and doesn't think it's anyone's business what is going on in his life, so he shuts anyone down when they try give advice. Even his Father used to call me to ask how he was really doing, knowing I would tell him the truth. My H sugar coats everything to everyone well inside he is dying, it's like he has two personalities. He has a good side and a very dark side and God forbid if anyone know what he does during those dark times.

 

He puts on a facade and yearns stature and respect from his customers. He is highly respected by all of them. This feeds his ego. He is driven from his upbringing as his parents were in business and became very wealthy. He has to prove to his family and himself that he too can be just as or more successful.

 

Although it's a lonely world when you work hard and put your business and customers first. He said you have to make sacrifices to get ahead. So he had a plan but during this plan We, our relationship was put on the back burner. If he had put as much energy into our marriage as he does the business life would have been blissful! So how great can retirement be if you are all alone and miserable?......

 

PS: He did call me today. Wanted to be filled in. It's funny for someone who wanted to separate he sure feels the need to know my every move.

 

Lost, Pride can be a relationship killer everytime, so can a career that becomes all consuming. Mix the two and it can lead to disaster if too much damage is done. Scary part is, that we are all guilty of that at one time or another. It takes a lot of hard lessons for some to learn what TRUE wealth really is.

 

Im glad he called you, Like I said earlier on, I dont think hes quite ready to let go just yet. He has issues to work through and pride is a very large hurdle that he has to face. Whatever happens I think how he deals with that will tell the story regardless of how you want it all to turn out.

 

Keep that focus on you, be happy and let the pieces fall where they may for now.

 

I pushed my husband away without realizing it, how do I get him back? My husband has been battling depression for a couple months now and I think some of it is because of our marital problems that we have been having in the last couple of months. Basically, he is to the point where he says that he doesn't feel like he loves me anymore. At first he couldn't explain why but yesterday he explained that for the last 6 months I have been pushing him away. We talked and talked about it and I began to see how it was true but that I did not see it as pushing him away at the time. I realize now that I did but now it is almost as if it is too late because the love is not there anymore. I guess what I'm asking is what can I do to change... I love my husband and I love spending time with him.. I guess most of the time I just thought he wanted to be alone. It is crazy because he never showed me signs of being lonely etc... Anybody have any ideas to help him fall back in love with me... I love him with all my heart and I feel horrible for making him feel this way!

 

Nu, depression has become a very common topic in the divorce forums here and there is a lot of good advice to give.

I would suggest starting your own thread here and giving us the whole story in as much detail as you can. That way more people are likely to see it and weigh in. Talk the time to write it out and I will make a point of reading it.

In the mean time i will say that depression is unpredictable and it is nothing you drove him to, almost exclusively there are many factors that weigh in, unfortunately the spouse becomes a very easy target and often one of the first casualties is the marriage. Give him somee space and your patience, your in for a long bumpy road.

 

TOJAZ

[Lost_Spirit]

I pushed my husband away without realizing it, how do I get him back? My husband has been battling depression for a couple months now and I think some of it is because of our marital problems that we have been having in the last couple of months. Basically, he is to the point where he says that he doesn't feel like he loves me anymore. At first he couldn't explain why but yesterday he explained that for the last 6 months I have been pushing him away. We talked and talked about it and I began to see how it was true but that I did not see it as pushing him away at the time. I realize now that I did but now it is almost as if it is too late because the love is not there anymore. I guess what I'm asking is what can I do to change... I love my husband and I love spending time with him.. I guess most of the time I just thought he wanted to be alone. It is crazy because he never showed me signs of being lonely etc... Anybody have any ideas to help him fall back in love with me... I love him with all my heart and I feel horrible for making him feel this way!

 

Hi Nu - as Tojaz suggested, please start your own thread and give us more details. How long have you been married etc. Then more here can comment and try give you some advise.

 

My heart goes out to you as I know how you are feeling.

[Lost_Spirit]

Nu464 - why are you hijacking this website? I have seen multiple posts by you and all of your stories are different? One, you are married, don't want your husband, then you speak of your boyfriend, or how do men get custody of the children?

 

I don't understand what you are doing. We are all here for support and advice from others. Our hearts are broken and we are trying to mend. Please don't make a mockery out of all of us.

[Saul Goodman]

Nu464 - why are you hijacking this website? I have seen multiple posts by you and all of your stories are different? One, you are married, don't want your husband, then you speak of your boyfriend, or how do men get custody of the children?

 

I don't understand what you are doing. We are all here for support and advice from others. Our hearts are broken and we are trying to mend. Please don't make a mockery out of all of us.

 

Perhaps it's because "she" literally isn't human. Or maybe she's a (poor) troll.

 

Anyways, there's always the ignore list.

[Lost_Spirit]

H called this morning to check in. We had our first winter storm last night and I am driving a newer car and wasn't sure how to shift down to slow down. As well one of my windshield wipers fell off this morning, so I asked him if he could stop by and put it on.

 

He stopped in and did that for me, shoveled some snow for me too. Anyways, he said maybe later in the day he could go for a drive with me and show me how to do use the shift on my car. Before our conversation was over he said, well why don't we just go for lunch? It's been a long time since we've done that. Before he left he gave me a hug and I had the odd feeling that he was going to kiss me??? Not sure, but I hadn't had that feeling from him for a long time.

 

We may see each other for 15 minutes or so when he does stop by. I was excited to say the least to spend an hour or so with him, I felt like I had a date! So I primped and made sure i looked good!

 

We went for lunch for 1 1/2 hours and talked about everything else but troubles in our relationship. It was great. We also still call one another 'hon' and I also made sure to I made physical contact by touching him or squeezing his hand.

 

The odd thing about going out with him is anyone that we ran into still things we 1) run the company together 2) they have no idea we are separated. One customer of ours commented that H had such a great wife! LOL We live in a small community and there's always a chance to run into someone that knows us. I had assumed he shared with most of our customers that we were no longer together, well today showed me this is not so.

 

H is going on a vaca with buddies next week and also asked if I'd take care of the phones for him so he didn't have to worry about anything while he was away. He hasn't asked for my help in a long time so of course I jumped on it as I miss our company.

 

He talked to another customer of ours on the phone and told him he was going away next week and he could talk to me if he had any issues. T said, you're not taking your W? H explained he was going with buddies and that the W was going next month with her GF. Then he laughed, not sure what T had said about the separate vacations.

 

I told H, "maybe we need to go on a vacation together to keep this facade up! He just laughed.

 

He is very proud that I am going to Mexico without him. This shows him that I am capable of having my own identity and that my whole life doesn't revolve around him. This was an issue in our relationship.

 

So, just sharing that I had a wonderful day!

[tojaz]

Very nice to hear a positive post from you Lost, and it all sounds very promising. I'm not surprised he dodged the relationship troubles, but it definitely sounds like some in roads were at least explored. Looking forward to what develops next.

 

Either way, you had a wonderful day! You needed that.

TOJAZ