Almost Separated. Scared and Relieved.

[Reuben Kinkaid]

Hey everyone - after 13 years of marriage, my wife and I are planning to separate at least temporarily.

 

Do temporary separations really work? Or is it something everyone says when they first separate and only later do they get the courage to end it completely?

 

We're not truly separated yet, we still live in the same house. But my wife said it's fine if I see someone else during our separation. She encouraged me and said she was surprised I hadn't slept around already - lack of sex in our marriage was a sore spot between us. Is this something that works in theory, but in practice she'll go ballistic if and when I sleep around? I gave her the same green light, though she said she's not interested in using it.

 

And how do you tell kids? We have two kids (ages 11 and 8). I intend to see them everyday and live nearby. Is this a realistic ambition? How upset should I expect them to be?

 

How do I tell friends? Do I tell friends?

 

Also, how do you date people? I've not dated since the beginning of time. I have no idea how it even works anymore.

 

This is all new to me and while I'm sad it's come to this it feels like a tremendous burden has gone away, as well. My wife and I actually got along better this weekend than we have in months. Is this normal?

[findingnemo]

Wow!! She agreed to what? That's a surprise.

 

How things change. Did she explain to you why she thinks you have to actually separate? I read parts of your other threads before and she simply doesn't like sex right? So if she's ok with you seeing other people and doesn't what to herself, I don't understand why you have to leave. Did you discuss an open type M?

 

I'm asking because of the kids. I can't really think of what you could tell them. They are so young and it seems to me that you're both not really giving up the Other parts of the M. Am I right? Or did I miss something?

[Mme. Chaucer]

What do you mean by do they "work"? "Work" as in the first step towards divorce, or towards healing the marriage?

 

One thing for sure - DO NOT "sleep around" during the time you are living under the same roof with your wife and young kids.

[carhill]

IMO, if one is going to separate and date other people (or be encouraged to do so), one is likely far better off filing for divorce. The machinations of divorce can take a substantial amount of time and 'separation' under such circumstances can occur during that time. As an example, while separated pending divorce, after my exW settled into the home we agreed would become hers, she acquired a new live-in boyfriend. Time from filing to final = 18 months.

 

Our MC stated his opinion on the matter at hand - 'People separate to get divorced'. I don't think that's an absolute but he evidently felt it applicable in our case. Smart man.

 

TBH, I wouldn't worry about dating right now. There are two vulnerable human beings who are going to need some extra TLC during this time. One can be alone for awhile. It's not a death sentence. Good luck.

[robf1971]

it's fine if I see someone else during our separation. She encouraged me and said she was surprised I hadn't slept around already - ?

 

Infidelity script, She's already seeing someone, it's just BS to help her deal with the guilt of it all.

[robf1971]

but in practice she'll go ballistic if and when I sleep around?

 

Personally, I think it's wrong for you to do this at this early stage, as you risk a rebound or dragging another woman into this mess. I think you need time alone to heal..

 

If your wife asks you if your dating, your best answer is,

 

'none of your business'

 

The second she goes it truly is no longer her business, you need to stand up for yourself on this.

[robf1971]

I intend to see them everyday and live nearby. Is this a realistic ambition? How upset should I expect them to be?

 

Please don't tell me that you are the one leaving the house? Why do men do this to try and placate their cheating wives? Do they think being 'nice' to their wayward spouse will make her want to come back to the marriage?

 

Why would you accept less than 50/50 childcare? You want to be a weekend dad? or would you rather stand up for your RIGHT to be a parent.

 

Go to a lawyer, get an agreement in place, do not leave your home. Get a voice activated recorder and keep it on you at all times, your wife may well go ballistic when you get the n*ts to stand up to her...

[reboot]

Most of the "temporary separations" I've seen, particularly when they involve "seeing other people", wind up in divorce court in short order.

[Reuben Kinkaid]

Wow!! She agreed to what? That's a surprise.

 

How things change. Did she explain to you why she thinks you have to actually separate? I read parts of your other threads before and she simply doesn't like sex right? So if she's ok with you seeing other people and doesn't what to herself, I don't understand why you have to leave. Did you discuss an open type M?

 

I'm asking because of the kids. I can't really think of what you could tell them. They are so young and it seems to me that you're both not really giving up the Other parts of the M. Am I right? Or did I miss something?

 

She agreed that maybe we should spend some time apart. Though because of the kids, we won't be that much apart. But the expectations will certainly be different - she won't be burdened to engage in sex when she's not up for it, I won't be burdened with twiddling my thumbs. We've discussed an open marriage and I guess that's a bit where we're at. Except I may make use of our nearby investment property apartment, at least temporarily.

 

She's preoccupied with her work, diet and gastric illness to engage in sex at this point, she said. And she said she wasn't sure when that would change.

 

We're not giving up the other parts of the marriage and I intend to be around as much as possible. You could say we're a bit confused. We don't know what to do exactly. I don't believe either of us wants a divorce, we still love each other quite a bit.

[Reuben Kinkaid]

"temporary separations"?

i don`t understand..can you explain this?

 

"But my wife said it's fine if I see someone else during our separation. She encouraged me and said she was surprised I hadn't slept around already - lack of sex in our marriage was a sore spot between us. Is this something that works in theory, but in practice she'll go ballistic if and when I sleep around? I gave her the same green light, though she said she's not interested in using it."

 

please explain this too

 

 

this a loving marriage?

 

A temporary separation - period in which two people decide to live separately with the intention of reuniting in the not too distant future.

 

Yes, we love each other.

[Reuben Kinkaid]

What do you mean by do they "work"? "Work" as in the first step towards divorce, or towards healing the marriage?

 

One thing for sure - DO NOT "sleep around" during the time you are living under the same roof with your wife and young kids.

 

Do they work as in healing the marriage?

 

As for your second, statement, I completely agree.

[Reuben Kinkaid]

IMO, if one is going to separate and date other people (or be encouraged to do so), one is likely far better off filing for divorce. The machinations of divorce can take a substantial amount of time and 'separation' under such circumstances can occur during that time. As an example, while separated pending divorce, after my exW settled into the home we agreed would become hers, she acquired a new live-in boyfriend. Time from filing to final = 18 months.

 

Our MC stated his opinion on the matter at hand - 'People separate to get divorced'. I don't think that's an absolute but he evidently felt it applicable in our case. Smart man.

 

TBH, I wouldn't worry about dating right now. There are two vulnerable human beings who are going to need some extra TLC during this time. One can be alone for awhile. It's not a death sentence. Good luck.

 

Thanks for your wise input. I will give this some thought and bring it up to my wife, perhaps we can still work through this but I don't know.

[Reuben Kinkaid]

Infidelity script, She's already seeing someone, it's just BS to help her deal with the guilt of it all.

 

You may believe I'm naive and that she's already sleeping around, but I know with a high degree of certainty that she isn't.

[Reuben Kinkaid]

Personally, I think it's wrong for you to do this at this early stage, as you risk a rebound or dragging another woman into this mess. I think you need time alone to heal..

 

If your wife asks you if your dating, your best answer is,

 

'none of your business'

 

The second she goes it truly is no longer her business, you need to stand up for yourself on this.

 

I've already told her if anything comes up, I will alert her and expect the same from her. I believe it's the least we can do. And because we have kids, it always will be her business.

 

I have no real plans to date, I'm not going out prowling for babes any time soon.

[carhill]

Does 'some time' have a timeline? What are the signposts for the process? What's the specific 'plan'?

 

It's perfectly valid to leave everything open-ended and open to any interpretation. If that path jives well with your mutual marital styles, then it's valid for you. If not for the current circumstances, would you in general be in favor of an open marriage? Are you willing to let her go completely and accept whatever transpires over the next weeks/months without complaint? If she starts dating a new man next week, which is entirely possible (I've seen it, many times), regardless of how she apparently 'feels' today, is that acceptable to you? That's what you're signing up for here.

 

If potentially getting back together someday is worth the potential interim costs and risks, then you have an answer. It appears, from reading, that the potential is worth the costs/risks, to you. I hope that path brings you fruits.

[Reuben Kinkaid]

I intend to see them everyday and live nearby. Is this a realistic ambition? How upset should I expect them to be?

 

Please don't tell me that you are the one leaving the house? Why do men do this to try and placate their cheating wives? Do they think being 'nice' to their wayward spouse will make her want to come back to the marriage?

 

Why would you accept less than 50/50 childcare? You want to be a weekend dad? or would you rather stand up for your RIGHT to be a parent.

 

Go to a lawyer, get an agreement in place, do not leave your home. Get a voice activated recorder and keep it on you at all times, your wife may well go ballistic when you get the n*ts to stand up to her...

 

She's not cheating. I know she's not cheating.

 

I'm moving out, temporarily, simply because it's easier at this point. We've even discussed possibly using our investment property apartment as a place for either of us to get away temporarily.

 

We've not even discussed dividing the children. We have no plans to, I plan to be around my kids really as much during their waking hours as I am currently. We've been very amicable ever since we began seriously discussing separate living arrangements. We've gotten along better than we have in months. She's been more loving than she has in months and I've reciprocated.

 

You've already convicted my wife of being a cheating slut which is about as far from reality as can be. Don't take out your anger and distrust issues toward women out on my wife. You know nothing about her.

[GorillaTheater]

Consult a lawyer before moving out. The ramifications for child custody (should things get to that point, which may be likely) are great. Basically you're establishing a status quo for custody and possession of the home.

 

Consider the possibility that this is part of your wife's plan.

[Reuben Kinkaid]

Most of the "temporary separations" I've seen, particularly when they involve "seeing other people", wind up in divorce court in short order.

 

Well, neither of us have any people we intend to see already lined up. Neither of us have been out on our own really in ages. We're home bodies. She gave me her blessing to find a "mate" as she called it. And I did the same for her.

 

I think temporary separations are doomed to fail when one or both parties already have people lined up.

 

There's a distinct possibility I won't see anyone while living apart. I just might live the bachelor life for a month or two - eating pizza for breakfast, peeing in the sink, watching movies about car chases. That sort of thing. I really don't know what the future will bring.

[Reuben Kinkaid]

It's perfectly valid to leave everything open-ended and open to any interpretation. If that path jives well with your mutual marital styles, then it's valid for you. If not for the current circumstances, would you in general be in favor of an open marriage? Are you willing to let her go completely and accept whatever transpires over the next weeks/months without complaint? If she starts dating a new man next week, which is entirely possible (I've seen it, many times), regardless of how she apparently 'feels' today, is that acceptable to you? That's what you're signing up for here.

 

We've had some ups and downs, particularly over the past year. I've not considered the possibility of her finding some a week or even a month down the line. I guess it would seem so out of her nature and the fact she said she's not even interested in sex at the moment. I will at least run it by her, we've opened up a lot more since we first seriously discussed separate living quarters recently. And that open discussion certainly may explain why we are getting along better than we had been.

[Reuben Kinkaid]

Consult a lawyer before moving out. The ramifications for child custody (should things get to that point, which may be likely) are great. Basically you're establishing a status quo for custody and possession of the home.

 

Consider the possibility that this is part of your wife's plan.

 

My wife is not conniving any plan, this much I am certain. We both have wondered aloud to one another that if we realize we're both immensely happier with separate living arrangements, at that point we will discuss divorce. There really haven't been any fireworks or big blow out arguments. If anything, we both feel there are outside forces keeping us apart to some degree (kids, work, health, lack of family) When we're alone we really do get along quite well.

 

I feel no need to play mental chess with her - we're truly taking it one step at a time.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I feel sad about the state of your marriage. I don't know much about it - what I've gathered from your posts here is that the main discord is your sexual dissatisfaction, and her lack of giving a hoot about that.

 

Is that right?

 

It does sound as if you are going off in two separate directions within yourself. You are looking at separation as a possible route to healing your marriage, yet you are eagerly looking forward to "sleeping around." Is this correct?

 

Do you think that your wife would choose to heal your marriage if it were her decision alone?

 

I think that a separation can sometimes provide some breathing room and space if things have become all messed up between a couple, but once other relationships get started, the chances for mending the marriage are probably gone. Unless both people really want, and are ready to actually handle, an open marriage.

 

But if your marriage is really a mess, separation is not going to fix it. Both of you would actually need to actively work on improving it.

 

Where are both of you at with that?

[Reuben Kinkaid]

I feel sad about the state of your marriage. I don't know much about it - what I've gathered from your posts here is that the main discord is your sexual dissatisfaction, and her lack of giving a hoot about that.

 

Is that right?

 

It does sound as if you are going off in two separate directions within yourself. You are looking at separation as a possible route to healing your marriage, yet you are eagerly looking forward to "sleeping around." Is this correct?

 

Do you think that your wife would choose to heal your marriage if it were her decision alone?

 

I think that a separation can sometimes provide some breathing room and space if things have become all messed up between a couple, but once other relationships get started, the chances for mending the marriage are probably gone. Unless both people really want, and are ready to actually handle, an open marriage.

 

But if your marriage is really a mess, separation is not going to fix it. Both of you would actually need to actively work on improving it.

 

Where are both of you at with that?

 

Yes, that is a big issue. We discussed it the other night and she acknowledged she felt guilty withholding sex from me but the state she's in she's never in the mood for sex. And she felt this is unfair for me.

 

After talking about it the other night, I no longer believe she doesn't care about our sex life. She actually feels quite bad she cannot do more sexually but is more concerned about getting herself healthy before she can refocus on our sex lives.

 

I do believe she would chose to heal our marriage and I believe this is her attempt to do that, to let me go out and get what I need and what she feels she cannot provide right now.

 

I don't know. She says she wants an open marriage for me, that she wants me to go out and get my rocks off, as she stated.

 

We've been talking more about "us" the last few days than we have in months. It's like we were both ignoring the gorrila in the room. We've actually been hugging and kissing more than we have in months but we both still agree maybe a little time off will be better.

[robf1971]

I intend to see them everyday and live nearby. Is this a realistic ambition? How upset should I expect them to be?

 

She's not cheating. I know she's not cheating.

 

I'm moving out, temporarily, simply because it's easier at this point. We've even discussed possibly using our investment property apartment as a place for either of us to get away temporarily.

 

We've not even discussed dividing the children. We have no plans to, I plan to be around my kids really as much during their waking hours as I am currently. We've been very amicable ever since we began seriously discussing separate living arrangements. We've gotten along better than we have in months. She's been more loving than she has in months and I've reciprocated.

 

You've already convicted my wife of being a cheating slut which is about as far from reality as can be. Don't take out your anger and distrust issues toward women out on my wife. You know nothing about her.

 

Many of the people on here including me try and help, expecting nothing in return. We use our valuable time to try and give people going through similar situations to ourselves advice, who we don't even know, just to make them feel better. Smart idea to throw that back in their faces huh?

[Mme. Chaucer]

I do not intend to cast any aspersions on your wife … but be careful. More than one man or woman has said something like "go ahead and get your jollys with someone else," but it was kind of a test.

 

There is a good chance she will be devastated if you do it, or that she will unleash some fury upon you. Do you think either is a possibility?

 

There is also the chance that she really means it, and is ready to let you have freedom from monogamy, gracefully.

 

Only the two of you know. But I still believe that once you start messing around with other people, your troubled marriage will tank. I personally could NEVER entertain the "open marriage" idea, but I believe that people who do it successfully have a very solid foundation before getting started.

 

One more thing about the sex. It sounds like the whole subject of sex has become a big pressure cooker in your marriage. That happened to me in my first marriage. It got to be such a "loaded" issue that there seemed to be no way to get back to the idea of … pleasure. It had become a power struggle of sorts. It was really bad. Is this what happened to you?

[sillychick]

Hey everyone - after 13 years of marriage, my wife and I are planning to separate at least temporarily.

 

Do temporary separations really work? Or is it something everyone says when they first separate and only later do they get the courage to end it completely?

 

We're not truly separated yet, we still live in the same house. But my wife said it's fine if I see someone else during our separation. She encouraged me and said she was surprised I hadn't slept around already - lack of sex in our marriage was a sore spot between us. Is this something that works in theory, but in practice she'll go ballistic if and when I sleep around? I gave her the same green light, though she said she's not interested in using it.

 

And how do you tell kids? We have two kids (ages 11 and 8). I intend to see them everyday and live nearby. Is this a realistic ambition? How upset should I expect them to be?

 

How do I tell friends? Do I tell friends?

 

Also, how do you date people? I've not dated since the beginning of time. I have no idea how it even works anymore.

 

This is all new to me and while I'm sad it's come to this it feels like a tremendous burden has gone away, as well. My wife and I actually got along better this weekend than we have in months. Is this normal?

 

Hi! So please remember that the advice I'm giving you right now is heavily weighted by my own recent experience.

 

I'm posting my story here: (I've never linked before I hope this works)

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t294463/

 

I met a man last spring who was VERY recently separated. He didn't know if his marriage was over and he was very honest with me from the start. IMO he was probably online dating to just get his feet wet, maybe find someone to sleep with, get his mojo back, who knows. But what he did was meet me and we really clicked. We really have a lot of fun together and are great friends and are falling for each other.

 

So consider that if you go out to just get your feet wet in the dating world, or try to find someone who you can share that intimate closeness with that you are missing in your marriage, please keep in mind that you are affecting other people's lives.

 

I don't, for one second, regret meeting this guy and the role he played in my life. But at the same time as he has recently started the divorce proceedings and I am riding the rollercoaster with him, not knowing from day to day how things are going to end up, I feel like my life is in limbo.

 

I chose it, I'm not blaming him. He has been straight up honest with me from the start. But I am smitten.

 

As far as the kids, IMO tell them that mom and dad need some space from each other but still love each other. Make it very clear to them that it's not their fault and that you will be seeing them just as much, and that they will get to do some special stuff with dad sometimes. Kids need to know that it's not their fault. Kids will internalize this and wonder if they did better, if they didn't fight with each other, etc., etc. maybe this wouldn't have happened, etc. They need to know that their needs will be met and that they did nothing to cause it.

 

Best of luck to you! But if you think separation may give you some clarity, keep it at that. I wouldn't date around until you have filed for divorce. Until you do that, keep your bachelor lifestyle to pizza for breakfast and sleeping diagonally on the bed. And please stop peeing in the sink. LOL