stop stigmatizing the Over 40, Never Married people!

[curious5]

Dear married and divorced folks:

 

I can't believe how many of you think that those of us who are over 40 and have never been married have something "wrong" with us.

 

As I read through these boards and see all of the negative aspects of marriage, I see that my reluctance to marry over the years was actually very level headed.

 

I, along with many friends, have made serveral very conscious decisions NOT to get married just for the sake of getting married. We CHOSE not to settle.

 

I'd rather be single and happy than married and bored/cheated on/unappreciated/sexually frustrated/exhausted etc.

 

I could have been married several times over by now, but I am proud of myself that I didn't go through with any of it. And frankly, I thank my lucky stars that I had enough sense not to enter into such a serious arrangement that statistics say probably won't work out in the end.

 

I've never had to worry about ugly divorce proceedings, child custody etc.

 

Anyway my point is, that just because someone has made the CHOICE not to walk down the aisle by a certain age, does not mean that they are damaged goods.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Dear married and divorced folks:

 

I can't believe how many of you think that those of us who are over 40 and have never been married have something "wrong" with us.

 

As I read through these boards and see all of the negative aspects of marriage, I see that my reluctance to marry over the years was actually very level headed.

 

I, along with many friends, have made serveral very conscious decisions NOT to get married just for the sake of getting married. We CHOSE not to settle.

 

I'd rather be single and happy than married and bored/cheated on/unappreciated/sexually frustrated/exhausted etc.

 

I could have been married several times over by now, but I am proud of myself that I didn't go through with any of it. And frankly, I thank my lucky stars that I had enough sense not to enter into such a serious arrangement that statistics say probably won't work out in the end.

 

I've never had to worry about ugly divorce proceedings, child custody etc.

 

Anyway my point is, that just because someone has made the CHOICE not to walk down the aisle by a certain age, does not mean that they are damaged goods.

 

probably narcissistic and and a bad choice for anyone looking for a relationship. But good for you, at least you are honest.

 

Friday I watched Up in the Air..... Rent it and then give me your review.....

[curious5]

You probably shouldn't have bothered starting a thread like this because just the fact that you did is going to suggest to some people that you are insecure about it.

 

It's really a no-win situation I'm afraid.

 

No, I started this thread because I am annoyed, not because I am insecure. I mean seriously, how is that people who are complaining about their marriage and/or divorce look at my life and say that something is wrong with me because I didn't make the same mistakes that they did? It makes no sense. And that goes especially for those who are divorced!

 

I'm not saying that marriage is bad. In fact, I love the idea of living a happily married life. But what really gets to me is that people just assume that if you haven't found it by a certain age, that you must be defective in some way. And it's especially annoying coming from people who are in or have gone through bad marriages. Just because you said "I do" does not make you better than me.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with a person who has never married by the age of 40, but I certainly would have some concerns about getting into a serious relationship with one. When I was dating (over the age of 40 myself, and divorced) I would see that as a big red flag.

 

Not because they are "damaged goods," but because they obviously are not geared towards making a big commitment to a relationship - like I was, and like you were / are not.

 

It says nothing "bad" about you as a person, just signals that you probably are not the LTR type.

[Afishwithabike]

Your first post in this thread seems quite defensive.

 

These boards aren't representative of people in happy marriages. You have to realize that. People come here when they have problems. There are some very happily married people on LS, but they are a minority. The majority who post here do so because they have marital woes or dating woes. People in happy marriages go on about their business. They don't often post on message boards that deal with problem relationships. So you're getting a biased view of marriage if you read LS and think that's what all marriages are like.

 

There are many benefits to marriage. I have no regrets getting married. In fact, if I knew then what I know now, I would have married him even earlier.

 

If you're happy not being married then good for you. I say that without any sarcasm.

[SummerLady]

I see your point. I just turned 40. I have some friends that are still single. They are great people. I am divorced and remarried. At 40. That was not my plan but it happened and that is that. I agree with you that many married folks are not happy. Many people settle. And stay in it for the kids, money, status. On the flip side many find a great partner and are truly happy in their marriages. I know the difference. I can see it and Can sense it from a mile away. As you get older and get more life experience you can sort out and sort through what you want. What you need and what you should leave behind. Who gives a sh@&t what other people say. Do what is best for you and let the rest go. Relationships are so complex. Blanket statements about them just don't hold any water. I hope you find what you are looking for.

[curious5]

I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with a person who has never married by the age of 40, but I certainly would have some concerns about getting into a serious relationship with one. When I was dating (over the age of 40 myself, and divorced) I would see that as a big red flag.

 

Not because they are "damaged goods," but because they obviously are not geared towards making a big commitment to a relationship - like I was, and like you were / are not.

 

It says nothing "bad" about you as a person, just signals that you probably are not the LTR type.

 

OY! This is what's so frustrating for me. The fact that me not having been married yet is seen as a "big red flag". If I had married one of my ex boyfriends, I would be divorced by now. Why would that make me any less "geared towards making a commitment" or more of the LTR type? I feel like I am branded because I have been so careful not to marry Mr. Wrong. Yet those who have married 1 or more Mr. Wrongs somehow think that makes them more of a good potential mate? Really?

[sunshinegirl]

<shrug> I don't think being never-married married by 40 is necessarily cause for concern, but I do think it warrants learning why the person has remained single, because it can be an indicator that someone isn't geared for an LTR.

 

My husband was 36 when we met, never married. He had had an active dating life, several serious and long relationships, just none of them with the right girl b/c he hadn't met me yet.

 

That, to me, is a much different scenario than a friend of mine who, at 52 years old, has probably gone on more than 2000 first dates, maybe 250 second dates, and has had only one significant long term relationship with a woman 20+ years his junior. He is single because his checklist for a woman is ridiculously unrealistic, and he rejects women for things like not liking her laugh, or her haircut. But if you asked, he would say he wants nothing more than marriage and a family.

 

So I see nothing wrong with asking the question; learning what's driven the individual to the point where they've never gotten married by X age is the key.

[RiverRunning]

It's a -possible indicator- that you're not the LTR type if you reach 40 having never married. I would still give that person a chance and probe. Is it just because they knew their relationships were not good enough to last that long? Or is it a serious personality flaw (like an inability to get along with others) that has prevented them from walking down the aisle?

 

On the other hand, divorce can make some folks incredibly bitter. When it comes to marrying someone who's divorced or someone who has never married, I'd probably take my chances on the latter.

 

I think it's unusual to reach that age and never marry. But a very close friend is 46 and finally got into a LDR that he thinks will culminate in marriage within a year. He was engaged once about 20 years back. His problem is just that he's not very assertive and he's always waited for women to come to him. Finally he learned his lesson!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

OY! This is what's so frustrating for me. The fact that me not having been married yet is seen as a "big red flag". If I had married one of my ex boyfriends, I would be divorced by now. Why would that make me any less "geared towards making a commitment" or more of the LTR type? I feel like I am branded because I have been so careful not to marry Mr. Wrong. Yet those who have married 1 or more Mr. Wrongs somehow think that makes them more of a good potential mate? Really?

 

I'd think you have an unrealistic view of men, make bad dating decisions, probably have no interest in truly "nice" guys, will look for faults, want only to be on their own, and will continue in making these choices.

 

Even in your OP and responses I read a cold woman, probably never even lived with someone (or at least only for a short period). You don't even mention wanting to be married in an LTR or have a family..... And forget about sex, which you do not mention either.

[xxoo]

OY! This is what's so frustrating for me. The fact that me not having been married yet is seen as a "big red flag". If I had married one of my ex boyfriends, I would be divorced by now. Why would that make me any less "geared towards making a commitment" or more of the LTR type? I feel like I am branded because I have been so careful not to marry Mr. Wrong. Yet those who have married 1 or more Mr. Wrongs somehow think that makes them more of a good potential mate? Really?

 

Divorced people have shown willingness to take the plunge. Never married people have not.

 

That doesn't mean that a never-married person WON'T take the plunge, but the "red flag" is that maybe you won't.

 

Have to play to win!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

You don't want to get married? Fine. Haven't found the right person and over 40? Fine.....

 

The issue here is you come across angry and have given no details. Since you have told us you are so wonderful a catch that you have been proposed to and said no to multiple men, raises a monstrous red flag. To be sure you'd be divorced already if you did marry, tells me you were dating "bad boys" or are scared to get really close to anyone. Also you take no responsibility to these fantasy marriages that have in your mind ended in divorce because of him.

 

If I met you, was single, I'd only date you for companionship and sex, with an eye open for the next woman knowing full well there is no real future.

[xxoo]

The issue here is you come across angry and have given no details. Since you have told us you are so wonderful a catch that you have been proposed to and said no to multiple men, raises a monstrous red flag. To be sure you'd be divorced already if you did marry, tells me you were dating "bad boys" or are scared to get really close to anyone. Also you take no responsibility to these fantasy marriages that have in your mind ended in divorce because of him.

 

He's got a point....

 

Why no decent marriage prospects in 20 years of dating? You are picking the guys, afterall!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Dear married and divorced folks:

 

I can't believe how many of you think that those of us who are over 40 and have never been married have something "wrong" with us.

 

As I read through these boards and see all of the negative aspects of marriage, I see that my reluctance to marry over the years was actually very level headed.

 

I, along with many friends, have made serveral very conscious decisions NOT to get married just for the sake of getting married. We CHOSE not to settle.

 

I'd rather be single and happy than married and bored/cheated on/unappreciated/sexually frustrated/exhausted etc.

 

I could have been married several times over by now, but I am proud of myself that I didn't go through with any of it. And frankly, I thank my lucky stars that I had enough sense not to enter into such a serious arrangement that statistics say probably won't work out in the end.

 

I've never had to worry about ugly divorce proceedings, child custody etc.

 

Anyway my point is, that just because someone has made the CHOICE not to walk down the aisle by a certain age, does not mean that they are damaged goods.

 

I highlighted the above an shake my head as to what a cold, nasty, narcissistic and so very calculated a person you are.

 

The coup de gras is you mentioned children, as if their only worry to you, is as part of divorce proceedings and child custody.... Wow, you really take the cake. And then there are your friends too who are so high and mighty and have not SETTLED!!!!

 

Yep there are those over 40, not married (ie. Susan Boyle), but something tells me you and your group are no Susan Boyles and consider yourselves spninsters.....

[knitwit]

I don't think it's all that uncommon to be 40+ and not married, depending on your demographics.

 

If you live in an urban area, and are educated, and have a decent job, I think you're in a demographic along with plenty of normal women in their late 30s and up who have never been married. If you don't want kids and have a fulfilling and financially stable career, a social life with supportive friends, and numerous interests, then chances are high you aren't going to settle for a guy who doesn't really knock your socks off and bring something to the table.

 

You don't have to be a man-hater, a love of "bad boys" or unsuitables, or even extraordinarily picky, either. If you have created a Great life for yourself, then you don't need someone else's money or companionship to have your great life. You can truly wait for someone who enhances your life, rather than "completes" it.

 

If you happen to be in this demographic, you will probably 1. haven't had getting married and having kids as a primary life goal; 2. enjoy your own company and aren't afraid of being on your own, so being single isn't a bad thing for you; 3. Implicit is all this, you're probably quite independent.

 

This might be quite different from a lot of people, who have known they wanted to get married and have a family from quite early on. There are a lot of people who have never lived on their own or supported themselves without someone else, so while they might not be afraid per se, they haven't had the experience to know they can do it without much trouble. Also, people who have been in committed relationships early on are likely more interdependent than independent. I don't think any of these things are bad, or that one is worse than the other. They are just different.

 

Unfortunately, I think only time and changing demographics is going to ease up on the stigma. As it is, there are more and more happily single women (divorced, widowed, never-married). There was a recent study that showed single women were considerably better off (happiness and healthwise) than single men. No surprise. Many studies of marriages have found that marriage is a much better deal for men than women, generally speaking.

 

I also smiled at the study that came out that showed that happily married women were the best off of everyone. I thought, "Of course! They are HAPPILY married, of course they are the happiest, healthiest, etc!" But I do think it was an important study, because if you are a woman, it shows that staying in an unhappy marriage probably won't leave you any happier and likely less happy than if you were single.

 

Therefore, it is worth it to wait to get the right guy for you, so that you can do everything possible to ensure you're in one of those Happy Marriages.

 

I write this as a woman who was in that urban, educated, career-oriented demographic. I got married at the ripe old age of 37, and while I did (and do!) love my husband, our primary drive to get married was due to our desire to have a child. I found as I got older that I did want to settle down and have a family.

 

I also had numerous proposals from my mid-20s to late 30s (refused two early on, accepted two in my 30s, and of those two, went one to marry one). None of them were from "bad" guys- they were all suitable, stable, smart, etc. My first fiancee, in particular, I really and truly loved. For a long time, I thought he was the one for me. I could have easily married him- we had the ring and the plans, but ultimately, after trying to work it out, I saw that I couldn't have the life and the family I wanted with him. I wasn't willing to settle on so much, when I knew that once my heart healed, I could have as good and probably a better life without him.

 

It was the right choice for me. I have My Guy, my baby, my career, and while there are still struggles and issues, at the core, I do have the life I wanted. Even if I had to work decades to get there.

 

I don't get the anger at the OP. I don't see anything terrible in what she said. Take a look at the Separating and Divorced board and you will see people posting who saw the red flags from early on but went on to get married. You can take a look at this board and see people are bored/sexually frustrated/cheated on. I think she was WISE to CHOOSE to avoid marrying guys with whom she thought might lead her to those types of outcomes. I think she was very wise to avoid having kids with fellas who she thought would not be in it for the long run.

 

OP, for what it's worth, I don't think you sound cold, calculating, or narcassistic. I think you were pretty smart. In my life, I have seen women fall in love and get married at all ages; 40+ is no exception. One of my dear friends(never-married) is in a great relationship that appears to be marriage-headed at age 46. My husband's aunt(divorced) is in her 60s and just got a proposal. We've celebrated quite few wedding for couples in their 50s. Love is timeless and ageless!

 

So try to ignore the haters (remember that "spinster" can be short-term for Smarter/Luckier than a Divorced Person) and continue building your great life! Make sure there is room should a Great Guy come into the picture! But stick with your current plan of only letting the Really Great Ones in!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Though you do present a fair argument.

 

More intriguing and not to threadjack, but boy I wonder when I read of all these women who have rejected proposals or pulled the chute on a wedding, I have to wonder about poor males who propose and then are dumped on and turned down.....

 

Feel for the guys.....

[curious5]

I don't think it's all that uncommon to be 40+ and not married, depending on your demographics.

 

If you live in an urban area, and are educated, and have a decent job, I think you're in a demographic along with plenty of normal women in their late 30s and up who have never been married. If you don't want kids and have a fulfilling and financially stable career, a social life with supportive friends, and numerous interests, then chances are high you aren't going to settle for a guy who doesn't really knock your socks off and bring something to the table.

 

You don't have to be a man-hater, a love of "bad boys" or unsuitables, or even extraordinarily picky, either. If you have created a Great life for yourself, then you don't need someone else's money or companionship to have your great life. You can truly wait for someone who enhances your life, rather than "completes" it.

 

If you happen to be in this demographic, you will probably 1. haven't had getting married and having kids as a primary life goal; 2. enjoy your own company and aren't afraid of being on your own, so being single isn't a bad thing for you; 3. Implicit is all this, you're probably quite independent.

 

This might be quite different from a lot of people, who have known they wanted to get married and have a family from quite early on. There are a lot of people who have never lived on their own or supported themselves without someone else, so while they might not be afraid per se, they haven't had the experience to know they can do it without much trouble. Also, people who have been in committed relationships early on are likely more interdependent than independent. I don't think any of these things are bad, or that one is worse than the other. They are just different.

 

Unfortunately, I think only time and changing demographics is going to ease up on the stigma. As it is, there are more and more happily single women (divorced, widowed, never-married). There was a recent study that showed single women were considerably better off (happiness and healthwise) than single men. No surprise. Many studies of marriages have found that marriage is a much better deal for men than women, generally speaking.

 

I also smiled at the study that came out that showed that happily married women were the best off of everyone. I thought, "Of course! They are HAPPILY married, of course they are the happiest, healthiest, etc!" But I do think it was an important study, because if you are a woman, it shows that staying in an unhappy marriage probably won't leave you any happier and likely less happy than if you were single.

 

Therefore, it is worth it to wait to get the right guy for you, so that you can do everything possible to ensure you're in one of those Happy Marriages.

 

I write this as a woman who was in that urban, educated, career-oriented demographic. I got married at the ripe old age of 37, and while I did (and do!) love my husband, our primary drive to get married was due to our desire to have a child. I found as I got older that I did want to settle down and have a family.

 

I also had numerous proposals from my mid-20s to late 30s (refused two early on, accepted two in my 30s, and of those two, went one to marry one). None of them were from "bad" guys- they were all suitable, stable, smart, etc. My first fiancee, in particular, I really and truly loved. For a long time, I thought he was the one for me. I could have easily married him- we had the ring and the plans, but ultimately, after trying to work it out, I saw that I couldn't have the life and the family I wanted with him. I wasn't willing to settle on so much, when I knew that once my heart healed, I could have as good and probably a better life without him.

 

It was the right choice for me. I have My Guy, my baby, my career, and while there are still struggles and issues, at the core, I do have the life I wanted. Even if I had to work decades to get there.

 

I don't get the anger at the OP. I don't see anything terrible in what she said. Take a look at the Separating and Divorced board and you will see people posting who saw the red flags from early on but went on to get married. You can take a look at this board and see people are bored/sexually frustrated/cheated on. I think she was WISE to CHOOSE to avoid marrying guys with whom she thought might lead her to those types of outcomes. I think she was very wise to avoid having kids with fellas who she thought would not be in it for the long run.

 

OP, for what it's worth, I don't think you sound cold, calculating, or narcassistic. I think you were pretty smart. In my life, I have seen women fall in love and get married at all ages; 40+ is no exception. One of my dear friends(never-married) is in a great relationship that appears to be marriage-headed at age 46. My husband's aunt(divorced) is in her 60s and just got a proposal. We've celebrated quite few wedding for couples in their 50s. Love is timeless and ageless!

 

So try to ignore the haters (remember that "spinster" can be short-term for Smarter/Luckier than a Divorced Person) and continue building your great life! Make sure there is room should a Great Guy come into the picture! But stick with your current plan of only letting the Really Great Ones in!

 

Thank you! It's very refreshing (and comforting) to know that somebody on this board gets it And you are spot on regarding the impact of demographics. But judging by the replies (with outrageous assumptions about my personality, my romantic history etc...) you can see why it is upsetting for me. They are all so off base. Anyway, thank you again for your reply. It made my day

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Thank you! It's very refreshing (and comforting) to know that somebody on this board gets it And you are spot on regarding the impact of demographics. But judging by the replies (with outrageous assumptions about my personality, my romantic history etc...) you can see why it is upsetting for me. They are all so off base. Anyway, thank you again for your reply. It made my day

 

don't you? You are free to do what you want and believe in it. That does not make you a terrible person at all.

 

All I did was read your post, take close note of your words and comments and made observations to that end.

[Tiberius]

Not staying married has become the new normal. With many men not getting married to begin with in 30 years or so, never married will become the new normal. In countries like Sweden its already happening, where families without marriage certificate are quite common.

[knitwit]

Thank you! It's very refreshing (and comforting) to know that somebody on this board gets it And you are spot on regarding the impact of demographics. But judging by the replies (with outrageous assumptions about my personality, my romantic history etc...) you can see why it is upsetting for me. They are all so off base. Anyway, thank you again for your reply. It made my day

 

Hi Curious!

 

I am glad you enjoyed the post. This is a topic that is still near and dear to me, because there is definitely a stigma. I still have very dear friends who are single, and my sister could have written J200's post- she is 38 and is very happy on her own.

 

 

It is funny how suddenly "respectable" in some people's eyes you become once you've got an engagement ring. Well, maybe "respectable" isn't the right word, really. It was similar to me as when I got pregnant. I guess it is that people who are married and have kids recognize you more now as one of them, or similar enough that they are more relaxed around you. I don't know, but definitely something about how people responded did change once I was engaged both times, and definitely once I had my son.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Hi Curious!

 

I am glad you enjoyed the post. This is a topic that is still near and dear to me, because there is definitely a stigma. I still have very dear friends who are single, and my sister could have written J200's post- she is 38 and is very happy on her own.

 

 

It is funny how suddenly "respectable" in some people's eyes you become once you've got an engagement ring. Well, maybe "respectable" isn't the right word, really. It was similar to me as when I got pregnant. I guess it is that people who are married and have kids recognize you more now as one of them, or similar enough that they are more relaxed around you. I don't know, but definitely something about how people responded did change once I was engaged both times, and definitely once I had my son.

 

you agreed with her. She has sloughed off all those others who did question her. Why it is interesting is she posted in Marriage & Life Partnership and shat on marriage, along with those saps who she turned down their proposals. And you wonder why some men are bitter??????:p

[knitwit]

Though you do present a fair argument.

 

More intriguing and not to threadjack, but boy I wonder when I read of all these women who have rejected proposals or pulled the chute on a wedding, I have to wonder about poor males who propose and then are dumped on and turned down.....

 

Feel for the guys.....

 

Hi TDP,

 

I'll t/j along with you.

 

The story is this: I had two serious relationships in my 20s. Guy 1 was at the end of my undergrad and start of his undergrad years, and Guy 2 was during his grad years until he moved away for a great job, just as I was about to start my grad program.

 

In both cases, the guys asked me to marry them as we got to the point where we had to make decisions about schooling/jobs and where to live. No rings were involved in either case, only the question. They presented it as

 

Guy 1: "well, we can get married and live in Maine or PA, we will have better tax benefits and school aide, and it will make our lives simpler" (really?!?!)

Guy 2: "we need to decide what we are going to do; lets get married, I can support us if we go live near the new job; it's a great opportunity. You can go to school in the town near there. Once you have your grad degree in a few years we can start a family".

 

For both I argued that getting married wasn't necessary, they knew my stance back then and it wasn't personal (I didn't plan to get married at all unless I wanted kids, and I was nowhere near ready to have kids back then). I stuck with Guy 1 for another year, broke it off with him, then desperately tried to get him back. It was too late; he wisely said No and started to date a different woman, who is now happily married to. Guy 2 and I split up right after our discussion. He was going to take the job no matter what, and I was staying in town to get my masters degree no matter what. I am not sure what happened to him, but I hope he is happy whatever he's doing.

 

In both cases, they were great guys, educated, smart, loyal, fun. I loved them both, but I was nowhere near ready to settle down. I didn't know the terminology at the time, but I definitely would have been a WAW had I gone on to tie the knot- I was very selfish and also still relied on validation from outside and would have been very vulnerable to straying.

 

Guy 3 is a different story. He broke my heart. My relationship with him was one of the most difficult and educational periods of my life. We were madly in love. After two years, we started to talk a lot about getting married, and at year 3 he got the ring and made it official.

 

However, he was hiding a pill addiction. A few months before we got engaged, he had received a prescription for pain killers to help him get to an upcoming treatment. At some point, he got addicted and started to get the drugs off the street. Later on at some point, he found out that opiates were cheaper and easier to get, and he went into a full-blown opiate addiction.

 

I don't know exactly when it started, but I am very thankful that I found out before we tied the knot. After one failed rehab, we broke the engagement, but I stayed off and on with him for 4 more years as he struggled to get and stay clean. At one point, he had about 8 months clean and we were starting to talk about getting engaged again. Then he relapsed, and this time I decided I needed to make a huge change if I ever wanted to have a family.

 

We split up and I moved back to my hometown. My dad was getting very sick at the time, and I wanted to spend some time with him and also help my mom. I got a new job and started over. It was a great decision- I was able to be there for my parents in the last period of my dad's life, and I got together with my now husband. That is a whole other story. We were so fortunate to find each other, and we were able to have a son with in vitro fertilization. I am so very lucky!

 

As a side note, I always believed in my heart that Guy 3 would get and stay clean- its why I stuck around for so long. He had so many things going for him- when he was clean he was such a great guy, smart, passionate about this job; he had a great family and friends who loved and supported him. He kept up the good fight, but he had terrible struggles to stay clean. He did get clean- he emailed me to touch base after a few years. By then, I was engaged. He told me his clean date, which happened to be the day before my first date with my husband. My sister stays in touch with him, and she says he has been clean now the entire time- over 5 years now. I am very happy for him and his family and hope that he is living a good and fulfilling life.

 

So there is one woman's story. Not everyone would consider the 20s guys as true proposals as rings weren't involved, but certainly the suggestion to get married was real for both. I just wasn't ready. It was way better for me, personally, to wait until I was much older.

[knitwit]

you agreed with her. She has sloughed off all those others who did question her. Why it is interesting is she posted in Marriage & Life Partnership and shat on marriage, along with those saps who she turned down their proposals. And you wonder why some men are bitter??????:p

 

I didn't see her post as sh#tting on marriage. She said that she likes the idea of marriage, but hadn't found the right guy yet.

 

She didn't want to marry the guys who asked her- which I relate to, since I felt the same way- but this doesn't mean she thinks marriage is bad.

 

Not sure why her post ticked you off so much, but to each their own. I didn't see anything offensive in her posts.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I didn't see her post as sh#tting on marriage. She said that she likes the idea of marriage, but hadn't found the right guy yet.

 

She didn't want to marry the guys who asked her- which I relate to, since I felt the same way- but this doesn't mean she thinks marriage is bad.

 

Not sure why her post ticked you off so much, but to each their own. I didn't see anything offensive in her posts.

 

and between the lines.... She talks about the divorce proceedings & custody battles as if they are a given. She is the one posting on A MARRIAGE site....

 

What I have come to tell from many who post on LS, it is often what they do not say, more then what they do, that tells a bigger story. The OP is a case in point.

 

As for your first two proposals, boy how passionate and loving.... Too bad there were no rings.....

 

But neither here nor there imo

[knitwit]

 

As for your first two proposals, boy how passionate and loving.... Too bad there were no rings.....

 

But neither here nor there imo

 

Ha! No, I totally agree with you! I think they were both like business decisions- at attempt to see where we were, and where we were going. While I also had "should we get married" chats with my husband before the official proposal, those chats were NOT business-like.

 

This is actually a great example of not settling! I can't even tell you how much crap I got from friends and family for the splits with guys 1 and 2 (especially guy 1)!! They were great on paper. But I wasn't ready, and the relationships were good but not great. I didn't know that back then- I didn't have the experience yet to make a reliable comparison. I was told I was too picky and would end up old and alone. My family thought I made a big mistake. Pffff.

 

My husband- what a different story! We caught on fire. He asked me to marry him as fireworks went off for NYE, saying his NY resolution was to make me the happiest woman ever and to care for me as his wife. All romance. Totally worth the wait!!