Why does this hurt so incredibly bad???

[Cherrygirl1968]

After separating from my husband for the past 3 1/2 months, he asked me to give him a second chance to prove to me that he is the man I need him to be and that he has 'found love for me' after being together for the past five years. I said that I could give him a chance but only my best could be one day at a time.

 

Well, for about two weeks, he was doing it all right during the times we would visit eachother. Backrubs that he never gave. Spending money on me, nothing more than gas or cig. but what the heck...they were a first. Talking about how things will be if we can make it over a period of the next few months. (all good in his eyes)

 

This past week, things just didn't feel like they have been lately with us. I started to feel disconnected in some ways. I spent yesterday with him and into the evening. Still feeling alittle lost about us and where his head was. I caught him with his brother out in the shed checking out a picture of what seemed to be a woman. When my husband looked up and saw me, his brother quickly spouted out, man ur phone sucks. That just confirmed it was my husbands phone. I just turned away and went back into his place.

 

After coming back in, he was drinking somemore and his brother left. My husband past out on the couch almost immediately. Normally he wants to 'make love' (hahaha, yea.) I still felt like something is very wrong.

 

See, one of my conditions where to always be honest with me about everything, as I am, and no other woman friends or otherwise can interfer with our working on our marrage. He agreed on more than one occassion.

 

As he snored on the couch, I saw his phone and yes, I went through it. First u must understand, he just had internet hooked up and immediately I no what he has used that for in the past...keep this in mind. Searching through texts, I saw pictures of woman from dating sights that he forwarded to his phone from his email account. Also took many pics. of himself and i was not the receiver of any of those, they were sent to his cell phone. I was instantly sick in my heart and my gut.

 

I frantically gathered my things, packed up my car and came back in and wrote him a nicely large written note telling him to never contact me again, or my 14 yr old daughter by text or otherwise. I told him I am not his bitch anymore, we are through. NO more chances to lie to me...signed YOUR WIFE!

 

I drove myself home, shaking, sick and almost wrecked my car multiple times being blinded by the tears and glare of headlights. I really wanted to just wreck but my daughter, whom was at a friends, needed me to be around.

 

Get home around 10:40pm and go to bed crying. At 1:40am, he calls, then one text after another asking what did he do, Y did I leave. Y didn't I talk to him. Whats wrong with me. Again and again...WHAT THE F DID I DO, Y R U BEING THIS WAY? I cried and cried and said everything in my defense as to not letting him have one more chance to lie to me again and again. One text said why did u leave me and go back to OUR HOME? I almost died. Now he wants to use OUR and home in the same sentence.

 

I did not tell him what I found out but needless to say, I can't do it anymore. I feel used for sex since we've always had a great sex life and if any of u read my posts just over a week ago ...SOMEONE SAVE ME and TO SWOLLOW OR NOT TO SWOLLOW...something like that one. He is a drinker, self centered SOB, and I can't believe I never quite got all of the signs right. I'm to much of a lover, care giver, organized...appearant no good bitch. I only ever gave him my heart and undying love and all I ever got was stress and now feeling cheated on and this ass hole decides one woman, multiple woman are not enough for him while we worked on our relationship.

 

So after this...WHY DOES IT HAVE TO HURT SO MUCH???? So much deceit and lies, and the nerve of him to act like HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING TO US OR WHY?????? I guess that the joke has been on me and I've been the ass for wanting everything he short term started giving me. Just more woman ontop of everything is what he wanted and the sex between him and I was too great to give up? Help me understand, please. How do I over come this?

 

Thank you....

 

VERY BROKEN HEARTED

[Bustabrit]

Maybe those pictures and stuff were from before when you werent together. Honestly, I wouldnt worry about dating sites, I dont think he wouldve freaked out and sent you all those texts if he didnt soley want you. I think by you guys breaking up in the first place he was trying to get his self confidence back by making himself available on dating sites, which I think is kinda lame LOL. I think you feel this way because you WANT him and WANT it to work. You need to talk to him about those pictures instead of just assuming right off the bat. I would be pretty upset to if i were you. talk to him honey

[Cherrygirl1968]

I do understand what u are saying to me...I did however check his cell phone last week before he got internet in his home. No pictures and no emails were forwarded from his phone. There is no trust on my part and he was told he had to earn my trust again. He informed me he had a female friend for three years..strickly phone conversations, so he says. I couldnt believe it.

 

He just started texting me about 20 min. ago because i left some things there while being in a hurry to get out...I told him to throw them all out. He then has enough balls to send me a full body shot of himself at his sons house. He once again did not have that taken for me without some kind of motive...get me thinkin again about more pics of him to put on dating sights? maybe/maybe not. After 10 min. of not responding to the photo of him, decided to send a pic. of me back. It is a sexy one of me layin on the couch in a nice 'little black dress' and my hair was done nicely and make up. Needless to say, it has been 10 minutes and no response! Did I do a turnaround on him or what??? lol. Maybe he thinks I went out on a date....GOOD FOR HIM, ITS GOOD FOR ME.

 

I don't plan to contact him anymore, if it weren't for my few things left there, then that damn pic. with some hidden agenda, I wouldn't have responded at all. Thanks for ur thoughts tho. We are both in our 40s and he needs to grow up...in many ways.