Being Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 (edited) Please excuse the essay but i think it needs a good explanation... About 4 yrs ago I met my man. The 1st yr was amazing and heartbreaking at the same time. He told me he had GA. Whilst on our 1st trip away, his nephew took his own life, and my man took a major panic attack at the wheel, that set him back 9 yrs. I then nursed him through unrelated surgery and held his hand through the eventual decline of his condition to where he is now – on different meds and his mentality brightening but not like before. We struggled, but I loved him with all my heart, supported him, through thick and thin, because I wanted to and because I saw a future for us despite his condition and believed, he did too. We still went on a prearranged holiday to Vegas that same summer because he wanted to get on with his life. He told me there he didn’t want marriage and kids only after prompting from me; because of his negative reaction to people asking about his commitment to me. I was devastated. We eventually took a break of 3 wks -then split up 3 weeks ago because he still couldn’t answer if he wanted to marry me or not; because he didn’t believe in it, was worried about being able to look after kids /wife. I always explained I’m an independent woman, I don’t need looking after, the kids care obviously needs sharing – but still no answer. The night we split he kept saying how amazing I was and that I deserved better than him and it stressed him out knowing he couldn’t give me what I wanted. He also said a few things that hurt, and then he was really nice to me. The tenderness he showed me right at the end really hurt, because why couldn’t he show me this during the relationship?? I got angry at this and stormed off. The next day being respectful I called, apologised and said we could be friends like he wanted...Time went on, I just became livid because I’d remember him saying he kept me on for selfish reasons. He kept texting occasionally as if nothing had happened and tried to be friendly over facebook whilst not changing his status. I was too angry to reply. he caught me off guard one night and i said yes i was ignoring him. The next day i asked him to collect his things; we talked he said it had upset him all night knowing I didn’t want to talk to him and not knowing why when i said we could be friends. We had a lengthy phone call with me trying to alleviate his concerns about settling with kids. He ended the call saying he didn’t want to reconcile but he did want to think about it again but didn’t want to be pressured into making what could be the worst mistake of his life –if it was meant to be then it would be. We were to remain separate and see other people if we wanted and should I meet someone and fall in love- then that’s ok. The following week, we agreed to meet; I found him in a bad way (he’s normally better kempt than me), we smiled, argued, talked got intimate-typically did the deed (1st time in 3m due to meds). For the 1st time ever-out of the blue he said ‘you know I love you don’t you?’ to my face. This may not be significant to some-but he could never say it before. It blew me away-made me cry and he kissed my tears away (another thing he doesn’t do-comfort my unhappiness). We're not even together anymore. He has never been tender to me (mans man) before what the hell is going on in his head?? Asked him why he is being so nice now and not before –he didn’t know>because he was a ****bag, and he should of done it before. We have since met up and done the same again twice, he still can’t make his mind up but he is not getting angry at me when we discuss it, he seems more attentive now. He suggested we try again as a couple but I said we already did 4yrs of that we already know we get on and want each other, you just need to marry me. We still haven’t agreed to be a couple. We cant describe what it is we are doing but the last thing I said to him was I was not gong to be his 'friend with benefits', this had to stop. He gets upset when i tell him that if he knows he really isn’t going to marry me, I cant talk to him because I need to heal, and with my track record by the time I have healed I may not even want to talk to him at all anyway. We are still separated. I had already started mourning our loss the night I left to allow the break. The following 5 weeks i cried myself to sleep every night. I can be friendly with him at the time, but then it just breaks my heart, when I think about us, me, him, my lost possibility of ‘us’- I just fall to pieces again. I’ve only told 1 friend. I haven’t even told my sister and she’s like my surrogate mom. I’ve joined dating sites; gone out with friends, and all i feel is i don’t want anyone else and I need too many drinks to numb the pain. I know there are people at the other end of the phone for me, but it’s just distracting me. I just feel so incredibly alone and lonely even with friends - I just keep crying when I’m alone. I don’t know how to cope with this or what to do, I still don’t know what is happening with us. What do I do with this situation??? All your thoughts and comments are really appreciated. Edited November 7, 2011 by Being forgot email notification Link to post Share on other sites
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