kirby Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 I have not visited this site for about 1 year. For some reason I felt compelled to visit and post today. I'm guessing it's because I heard from him first thing this morning and earlier this week after not having any communication, or very sporadic communication for quite some time. To summarize, we met 2.5 yrs ago at my workplace where he stopped in at a couple of times a month (lives in another town 3 hours away). Began having friendly chats when he was in town, progressed to texts and phone calls 2-3 times per week. Always straight-forward about his marital status. Never became a physical relationship. Kiss hello & goodbye, hugs. Said he was in love. I never returned the sentiment (although true & he probably knew it). We both knew it was a line that we should not cross - becoming physical. Someone on this forum actually termed it "affair-lite". About a year ago (after a period of little communication) he explained that he had been getting his head on straight and he needed to follow through in his marriage. I have never pressed the issue, nor had we even had a conversation about the possibility of him divorcing. He had stated in the past that he would want to be with me. When he decided to basically recommit to his marriage, I understood. Communication was down to a call or text every 2-3 months. I figured it was over and was fine with that. Although I missed him terribly, I never really felt comfortable in the situation. Recently, he has been calling and texting more frequently. His message this morning was that he missed me. It's both wonderful and difficult to hear this. It is now 2.5 years that I have been communicating with this man and I don't understand how we have not either pogressed in the relationship or ended it completely. I KNOW he loves me. I know he feels that it is best for all concerned if he remains with his family. It's just very difficult for both of us to sever ties completely. This is why, it's 2.5 years and counting. ~Kirby Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 Welcome back, Kirby. I'm also in a similar boat. I love xMM and had a full on A with him. We ended it and now 7 years later, we still talk and do some business together. The feelings don't go away and personally, I'm getting frustrated with the whole thing. There's no PA and I think we are in a perpetual EA. I'm beginning to find it taxing on me emotionally. Are you dating? Emotions can stay strong for years and years. I can't imagine saying the same thing about my feelings another 7 years from now. Where do you see yourself in the next 2.5 years? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kirby Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 Findingnemo, Thank you for your response. I think that your description of a "perpetual EA" is absolutely the perfect description of this relationship. While logically, it is best to cut all ties and communication (which should be easy to do - given the logistics) it is much easier said than done. Once you feel that strongly for someone, it is not that easy to turn off the emotions. As the saying goes, "the heart wants what the heart wants". To answer your questions: No, I am not dating; and unfortunately in another 2.5 years I will probably still have communication with him. Hopefully it will be less romance-driven, and more on a friendship level. I really do enjoy his joyful personality and generosity of spirit. I just cannot imagine not having him in my life - even on a small scale. It is difficult to erase someone from your life who brings so much joy and happiness. Just luv this man to pieces! Again, thank you for your response. Much appreciated. ~Kirby Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 (edited) I have not visited this site for about 1 year. For some reason I felt compelled to visit and post today. I'm guessing it's because I heard from him first thing this morning and earlier this week after not having any communication, or very sporadic communication for quite some time. To summarize, we met 2.5 yrs ago at my workplace where he stopped in at a couple of times a month (lives in another town 3 hours away). Began having friendly chats when he was in town, progressed to texts and phone calls 2-3 times per week. Always straight-forward about his marital status. Never became a physical relationship. Kiss hello & goodbye, hugs. Said he was in love. I never returned the sentiment (although true & he probably knew it). We both knew it was a line that we should not cross - becoming physical. Someone on this forum actually termed it "affair-lite". About a year ago (after a period of little communication) he explained that he had been getting his head on straight and he needed to follow through in his marriage. I have never pressed the issue, nor had we even had a conversation about the possibility of him divorcing. He had stated in the past that he would want to be with me. When he decided to basically recommit to his marriage, I understood. Communication was down to a call or text every 2-3 months. I figured it was over and was fine with that. Although I missed him terribly, I never really felt comfortable in the situation. Recently, he has been calling and texting more frequently. His message this morning was that he missed me. It's both wonderful and difficult to hear this. It is now 2.5 years that I have been communicating with this man and I don't understand how we have not either pogressed in the relationship or ended it completely. I KNOW he loves me. I know he feels that it is best for all concerned if he remains with his family. It's just very difficult for both of us to sever ties completely. This is why, it's 2.5 years and counting. ~Kirby Hi Kirby, What do you mean you don't understand how come you have not ended or progressed? Are you waiting for him to make that decision about the state of the relationship? I think that As, and other relationships can get into a state of inertia, whereby neither party is making any active change and both are happy (or unhappy...like the case of people in marriages they "cannot" leave, having As, yet not making moves to divorce) to stay where they are and not do anything differently. I think people end up in dead end As and regular relationships, when they won't make choices for themselves about where they want to be and what to do if it isn't getting there. I think they either defer to the other person and believe "they" are the ones holding up progress...or they are scared that if they rock the boat, the entire thing will collapse...so no one does anything. All relationships need to have a purpose IMO...especially if it's been going on for years. I always said that I would never be involved with a man at this point in time for years, without marriage being discussed. I'm dating with a purpose. I eventually want to be married and I need to be with someone who is looking for the same things as I am, so that we will therefore conduct the relationship with that in mind and be cognizant about whether or not we are a good match to take it there or not....we don't need years and years to figure that out. Likewise, in an A...are you looking for progress in terms of eventually being a regular couple?If so...then there has to be a purpose and plans leading to that purpose and it does not take years upon years. Progress isn't the final solution...I do get divorcing is a process...but progress is obvious though and one can tell if progress is happening towards that goal. If not....you're responsible for your own life and have to decide for yourself whether or not you have the same goals and if you need to end things. Edited November 7, 2011 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
JaneyAmazed Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 . It's just very difficult for both of us to sever ties completely. This is why, it's 2.5 years and counting. ~Kirby Sometimes you have to what's difficult or 2.5 years will turn into 4.5 years and so on. What kind of life is that? Life is difficult. We can endure the tough times and practice self-control to gain a better life or decide it's too difficult and remain in limbo and discontentment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kirby Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 Intellectually, I know that it is best to stop communicating altogether, but emotionally, it is a painful step. I think if there was someone else that sparked the slightest interest on my part, I could attempt to detach. However, I feel as though there is no one else that could possibly make me feel the way he does. I KNOW that this is unrealistic, but I just don't have the interest in seeking out another relationship. I think that this is in large part due to my age. I know what is out there and have no interest in it. I realize this mindset keeps me from advancing and exploring other possibilities - but I have neither the energy nor the desire to do so. I wonder what could help? ~Kirby Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 You will never detach from him, get him out of your heart and blood as long as there's still contact. That small bit of contact still feeds those feelings and it's going to continue to hold you back. You DON'T want to let go. That part is clear, especially by saying "This is why, it's 2.5 years and counting." You're already setting a path for the future with him in it. Why? Do a list (for yourself) of why you're can't let go, whether it be fear, whether it be you just plain will miss him and how he makes/made you feel. There IS a reason why you can't/won't let go, do NC and really begin your healing process. What is the point of hanging onto small bits of contact, settling for so little in your life.. Link to post Share on other sites
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