Leaving the passion up to him...

[Nikki82]

This coming weekend, my boyfriend and I will have known each other for 6 years and in a serious relationship for 4 years. Of that 4 years, we have lived together for almost 3 years when we bought a house together back in 2009.

 

He's a good guy and treats me with respect and makes me laugh. The first two years of knowing each other, we dated but he was "too afraid" to be in a serious relationship with me. When he went to Iraq for 4 months (not military, but for his job), I basically gave him an ultimatum. I didn't want to, but felt it was time to make a choice. He chose me.

 

For a little while after that, it back fired and I was worried he was only with me because he didn't want to lose me completely since I had forced him to make a choice. But I'm past it know...or I think so.

 

I expect a proposal by now. But he takes forever to put things into action. It took him years to buy a LCD TV!! We've talked of marriage and knows what kind of ring I want. He doesn't seem to shy away at the topic. But in my heart, I just don't know that I feel he'll be proposing anytime soon.

 

I'm also tired of being romantic. I am almost always the one planning a romantic surprise or even celebrating our anniversary. This time I made it clear that I am not planning anything and that it's up to him. I'm not nagging about it or reminding him... just going to see what happens this coming weekend for our anniversary.

 

What makes it hard is that I am happy with him and he's my best friend, but I feel a lack of passion. He's a good man that treats me well and I trust, but I still feel that there should be more spark. It seems like house projects consume us. No spontaneity from him. And I'm tired of doing it myself. I know no relationship is perfect, but is this something you deal with because of his other qualities of being a good man? Part of me feels tired of waiting for a proposal, passion, and excitement...

[RiverRunning]

Four years is a long time to be with somebody, and three years is a long time to live with somebody. How old are the two of you? That would put it into more perspective. I'm going to guess at least mid-20s based on the 'buying a house' bit, but correct me if I'm wrong. If you're at least that old, my feeling is you've waited long enough.

 

Somebody else around here said that after 3 years, it's time to bail unless you want to issue an ultimatum and get an insincere proposal. I really think she was right. I've been in one for a bit over 3 years now and while it comes up, my guy is a lot like yours - waits until the last minute to do everything and never really gets around to doing what he means to do.

 

My feeling is it's time to set a deadline. Mine is April 17th, so you can pick that one if you want. Deep down I think I know the answer to my situation - and I think maybe you really know the answer to yours, but you're also afraid of cutting loose and seeing what else is out there.

 

You may find that after a break-up, you experience passion with other men. Or maybe you'll get away and realize that the lack of passion was really contentment and serenity, and you'd like to go back to it. I guess sometimes you just have to risk what you have, step outside of the box, and try to go back to it if you find you made a mistake.

 

Do you do anything other than house projects? I think it's good you've handed him the reins to try and do something special for you for once. I think men just wind up getting lazy a lot of the time with this stuff. Let us know what happens on your anniversary.

[Nikki82]

We are ages 29 and 31.

This past weekend (our anniversary) was nice. He took me to a museum that I've been wanting to check out and we went out to eat several times. Over the course of the weekend, he would place little gifts around the house for me to find. For instance, I came out of the shower and there were two roses by the mirror. Then two more roses in the kitchen and two more on my laptop.

 

We talked about marriage... I asked him how long he would keep me waiting. He responded with surprise and said "I'm really keeping you waiting??!" And I said "well yeah... I'm not telling you what kind of ring I like for the fun of it." He got all sheepish and shy. I told him I want to be sure that we're on the same page and that I was surprised he apparently didn't know that I wanted him to propose because we've talked about it before. He said it scared him. I asked "how? and how is it much different than what we're doing now living together and having a home together and goals together".

 

He said he guess it wasn't much different but felt marriage was really religious. He is not religious at all... nor am I honestly. I said, "look, you know that it's not all about religion. People also get married without the religious aspect and do it as an official commitment said in front of family and friends. It officially makes us family too."

 

He agreed and said he would ask me because he wanted me to be happy. I stopped him and said "I want you to marry me because YOU want to too. I don't want to feel like you're only doing this for me and then later feel trapped or something."

 

He said he does and he wants to spend his life with me, he just doesn't care if we're married or not...all that mattered was that he was with me.

 

I do know that he really does love me. I do know that he is not screwing around with other women. I can trust him and count on him. He's one of my best friends and I one of his.

 

I did not bring the conversation further by asking for a timeline. I guess I'll just see what happens in the next several months.

 

The only part that gets me is his acting surprised at my saying that I'm ready for him to propose.

[hotgurl]

We are ages 29 and 31.

This past weekend (our anniversary) was nice. He took me to a museum that I've been wanting to check out and we went out to eat several times. Over the course of the weekend, he would place little gifts around the house for me to find. For instance, I came out of the shower and there were two roses by the mirror. Then two more roses in the kitchen and two more on my laptop.

 

We talked about marriage... I asked him how long he would keep me waiting. He responded with surprise and said "I'm really keeping you waiting??!" And I said "well yeah... I'm not telling you what kind of ring I like for the fun of it." He got all sheepish and shy. I told him I want to be sure that we're on the same page and that I was surprised he apparently didn't know that I wanted him to propose because we've talked about it before. He said it scared him. I asked "how? and how is it much different than what we're doing now living together and having a home together and goals together".

 

He said he guess it wasn't much different but felt marriage was really religious. He is not religious at all... nor am I honestly. I said, "look, you know that it's not all about religion. People also get married without the religious aspect and do it as an official commitment said in front of family and friends. It officially makes us family too."

 

He agreed and said he would ask me because he wanted me to be happy. I stopped him and said "I want you to marry me because YOU want to too. I don't want to feel like you're only doing this for me and then later feel trapped or something."

 

He said he does and he wants to spend his life with me, he just doesn't care if we're married or not...all that mattered was that he was with me.

 

I do know that he really does love me. I do know that he is not screwing around with other women. I can trust him and count on him. He's one of my best friends and I one of his.

 

I did not bring the conversation further by asking for a timeline. I guess I'll just see what happens in the next several months.

 

The only part that gets me is his acting surprised at my saying that I'm ready for him to propose.

 

 

That is sweet. My husband was the same way. He took forever (and still does) to make big decisions. we dated for 7 years before we got married. We owned a house together lived together for 5 years.

 

I think if it didn't matter to me he wouldn't have gotten married. he just didn't care about it. But since It mattered to me he did.

[Tayla]

Having been there done that, I can sincerely say with much regard that the institute of marriage is truly a commitment and LEGAL venture that cast some real issues to the surface.

LEGALLY that person can take half if not all your life fortune. LEGALLY the spouse can determine your medical needs should you become incompetent. LEGALLY the spouse can draw you into a debt you never asked for. ALL this in the name of a LEGAL document. ( yes yes I know...that just can't possibly happen to love birds...)

 

For a man to take that risk for another person is truly humble and a leap of faith that shouldn't come lightly simply because at that "time" in life they found a partner. So I say this kindly, is it worth it?

 

I have much adoration for some marriages because they are founded on the "I got your back " attitude. They have a faith to see one another thru and make Informed decisions. They have a love that exceeds even those read in novels. The bottom line for any couple considering marriage is...Legally and commitment wise, how far would you go to turn everything over to that spouse ...your life included. Then if you can truly make that marriage work, you are far blessed then many. Value it and value one another. SO if he does pop the question know that he did so out of giving of himself entirely to you and have faith.