sunflower11 Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 This morning I woke up feeling so confused and really missing my ex J. The one who recently broke up wth me is K. With J I had a beautiful, fun, and innocent relationship that came to an end last year because we wanted different things in life. One of the main issues was religion and how he wanted me to be Christian in order to get married and I was in my last year in college (he had graduated the year before) and wanted to have fun, go out, drink, party, etc. So we both agreed to break up. Thats when I started having a crush on K even though J came back to me many times asking me to get back together, saying he regretted many things that had happened in the relationship. I had my share of mistakes too that I really regret. But I turned J down every time cause I wanted to pursue K and see what happened with that, plus J lived in another state now. I kept in touch with J throughout my relationship with K even though he struggled and even in August he would still tell me he loved me and wanted to see me and how sorry he was for everything and that he regrets losing me. We would be talking maybe once or twice a month and we knew we cared deeply for each other even though I was with someone that I loved and was happy with now, I felt guilty every time cause J was such a good guy with a great heart and I felt like the bad person cause I didn't take him back cause I wanted something else. Now, 1.5 months after K broke up wth me I've been really missing and wanting J back. I know its not rational and it's not fair to him, he has a new girlfriend now and has told me he is happy and wants nothing to do with me anymore. I know I turnd him down and I should walk away. I just find it hard to deal now with J having someone else and I think about on all the things he would do for me and how nice he was and I miss it. I regret losing someone like J...because I feel that I changed him for K who turned out to be a big ass jerk. I know this is stupid, and it's probably me just missing having someone with me and doing sweet things for me. Maybe I just miss the attention or knowing that I thought J would always be around (he even told me when you break with with K, I will be here for you) but now he isn't and he wants nothing to do with me. I've always cared about J and he's so special to me...it's just now looking back at how big of a mistake it was dating K..I wish I had never let go of J...Are my feelings crazy??? Link to post Share on other sites
Bobby289 Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 Crazy, not at all. It sounds like you always look for relationships and dependency though. Maybe you need some you time and be single for awhile? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 Yes I think you are right. I feel pathetic thinking that I depend on guys Link to post Share on other sites
Popehappycat Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 What, you shot down a nice guy every chance you got to party, drink, etc and date an *******, and now you regret it? *Shock* Mark it down as a lesson learned. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 It wasn't just to party and drink and stuff. He was insecure and controlling. If ever I went out he would call and ask who was there, if i had anything to drink, how many guys where there and like i said..the real downfall of the relationship was that he wanted to impose his Christianity on me. Don't make the mistake of thinking that I left him because I just wanted to have fun. He was the one who broke up with me, later came back, and then we BOTH agreed we needed time off..and that's when I started liking someone else. I am just saying that I miss the good times I had with him because I know he had a better heart than the ******* who dumped me. Just saying that I know it's wrong..I just don't know how to completely let go. I've been in 3 very intense relationships in the past 4 years and I don't know how to go back to being single and how to enjoy being single. That is all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 I thought this forum was to help others cope, not to judge them. Link to post Share on other sites
Popehappycat Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 I thought this forum was to help others cope, not to judge them. Fair enough. Though maybe the other poster has a point. You want the moment more than the person. In regards to that, I don't know what to tell you. If it's a dependency thing, maybe you need some me time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 Yes. Sorry if I overreacted.. Lately my mood and feelings change so much I feel like I have no control over them. I do see and understand that I need time alone, it's just scary Link to post Share on other sites
Bobby289 Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 We are here to help but you have to accept we all have own opinions. I think you should look at yourself and your own situation before looking at your ex. " I've been in 3 very intense relationships in the past 4 years and I don't know how to go back to being single and how to enjoy being single. That is all." You know the problem and now you need the solution, step one: be single for awhile and find out why you NEED a relationship and fix that. There is something missing from your post, why have all of these relationships failed? Always his fault? Link to post Share on other sites
Popehappycat Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 ^ This. While there is nothing wrong with having several relationships, being in one after another for the sake up being in one isn't fair to you and especially your partner. Don't validate yourself through them and you'll find you'll have more to offer next time around. You'll be ok. :-D Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 Yes I know...thanks for the advice I really do appreciate it. I feel like I am a mess right now but ok... The first guy was married. Big Mistake. I was young, stupid, new in college, new in a different country and he was 10 years older and I let him manipulate me. That's not ever happening again so please don't judge. I have put this one in the past and feel nothing for him at all. The second guy was J and we broke up because we wanted different things. Mainly if I looked at our future..he was into being Christian a lot, wanted to spread the love of God, wanted me to read the Bible and go to Church..and I wasn't into that. I tried but I believe it has to come from you. The deal breaker was when he said " I won't marry you unless you are Christian" ..after that things went downhill cause he wouldn't accept me unless I was something that I am just...not. The third guy, K..well he dumped me (and I say dump cause it was done wth a text message--no respect for the person being left there) because he was having doubts about the long-distance and was depressed with his life, thus he couldn't make me happy if he wasn't happy himself and I couldn't do or say anything to make him feel better. He's been ignoring me ever since he dumped me and I tried calling, texting, emailing..nothing. Yeap..that's the story. Again, I am sorry if I overreacted I know everyone has opinions and I appreciate all the advice. I do see what is wrong, I understand. I think what I miss is being loved by someone and the attention that comes with that. I thik being single will help me though I still struggle with a lot of guilt and feelings or rejection and feeling worthless because of the last break up...and I guess cause I never really let go of J since we kept talking a year after the break up still. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 Ok..I re read my first post. It would have never worked out with J cause we wanted different things..even though I am here thinking "he was great I should have never let him go" if I think deep down about what really broke us off was..a bunch of things that would STILL be coming up if we were together now. I just needed to vent and realize I do depend on guys too much..just like K said "you depend on me too much" "you can't be happy without me"...well here I am..1 week NC trying to prove him and myself that I can be happy and I don't need to depend on anyone. I get it..thank you both..sometimes I just need to write it out and come back to it some time later to realize its not really rational what I'm thinking..:S Link to post Share on other sites
Popehappycat Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 Everything you're feeling is normal, though. Sure, it sucks, but there isn't a lot you can do about it. Sure, a relationship can help overcome those feelings, but you wouldn't be in it for the right reasons, though I know you already know this. Use these last two relationships to help you define what it is you're looking for exactly in the next. That is, after you've taken the time to be happy with who you are first. :-D Link to post Share on other sites
light_vader Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Hi there. I think you might be in the typical case of "I don't wanna be lonely", which is total fail, because to start with, we are never lonely, we have ourselves. And truth be told, there is only one person that can love you unconditionally forever, and that is YOURSELF. I think what I miss is being loved by someone and the attention that comes with that. Now, it's ok to miss "being with someone", but since you had some sort of messy situations "lately", you're better off taking some time away from relationships like others said, and focus on what you want in life, where you wanna go, and start working on that self-love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted November 8, 2011 Author Share Posted November 8, 2011 I guess I am scared of being lonely but I am also terrified of being with someone and...marrying them. I am scared the other person will stop loving me and leave me, or cheat on me, or I will wake up one day and realize I'm not happy with him anymore... I guess I do have a lot of issues to work out. I have always been the type of person to worry and think too much instead of letting things flow. You are all right, I don't love myself and I am not happy with myself and trust me I want to change that. I want to be back to being confident and happy and feeling attractive. There is a lot that I want to do, things I want to learn that I haven't but I can't seem to move past feeling this sad..I have been crying everyday for 2 months since he left me. I truly do love him and thought he was the one for me, but now I realize I did depend on him too much, but I don't thnk it means that I didn't love him with all my heart and it wasn't real right? I lived alone in Texas for 4 months after graduating from college and he was my biggest source of support, we talked eveyrday..texted all day...how could I not depend on him when i had nobody else? no friends. didnt know anyone Link to post Share on other sites
Popehappycat Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Since there's no checklist for love, knowing if you really loved somebody is hard to gauge. Comes down to the individual, I suppose, but we can even be dishonest with ourselves. My reply to another thread recently (by rebeccajones) seems like some of it might apply to the above response. As you know, there are no definite easy answers, you just have to make peace with yourself. Be honest, but don't be overly critical. Every relationship I've been in, whether serious or purely physical just happened without me actively seeking it. As you've said, just go with the flow and enjoy yourself and your time and maybe you'll be surprised. :-D Link to post Share on other sites
Bobby289 Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 You have insecurities and dependency issues, nothing wrong with that at all. Do you want to fix these issues or just set them aside until another breakup is what you really have to ask yourself and weigh out the pain for now vs. the reoccurring pain every time. Talk to a therapist, one of the best steps I ever took. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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